"I don't know what you're droning on about there Stumpy," the Burger King says to the hollow centaur, "It's not like you were once inhabited by the soul of a suave and boisterous crime fighter or any some such. And keep tight would you, Burt 'n me are working this lass here. Were ladies men don't you see?" he adds as a sideways grin comes over his face, sort of like one that you see when someone gives out the finger guns and a wink, though he can't currently manage the finger gun part. Hands seem to be at odds with the lack of arms at the moment. Hmm.
As he cranes his neck around to peek at the barmaid placing the tankards of ale he quite kindly adds, "But would you do a chap a favor and lend me your arm for a bit. I parched you see and a taste of that there bitter would sure do the job."
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Alas, the barmaid has retreated too quickly to have heard The Black Knight's plea. Stumpy hears it though, and picks up an ale, making a holy show of dragging him self around to the far side of the table with his free hand and remaining hoof, ale cocked at an increasingly obtuse angle. (At this point I'd insert the Two Soups sketch but BBC have blocked it!). By the time he gets to you, there is but a dribble of ale at the bottom of the glass. The Centaur beams with pleasure, delighted to finally feel like he's really accomplishing something.
Burt, whatever has that maid in a tizzy, your system is resisting it, and how! If you roll a 20 or higher perception check right now, you can see individual Gonorrheans (yes, like microscopic versions of the dudes from Return of the Jedi) fleeing your trews in terror and escaping across the floor.
Meanwhile, back at the bar, the rather sturdy woman returns, her hair now looking more like a portuguese breakfast than a french roll, her face blackened with soot and smeared in a way that suggests she's tried to turn it into a smokey-eye look but it's left her looking like a fullback who's date left him for a chess player at the prom. She smooths down her apron and brings over a plate of... I want to say grilled sausages, but it looks like they're holding a bris for Belial out the back.
"With my compliments!" she declares, performing an unnecessary and aggressive crotchal lunge to lay the plate at the table. "No need to bother yerselves, the fire's out. Well, the fire out back, that is!" Leaning in she whispers huskily "Got a fire up front needs seein' to, mind!" and performs a wink so theatrical she might be having a stroke. "So, you boys in town looking for adventure? Or... Oh sweet Sune's lovely locks, what 'appened to 'im?" she notices Burt's novelty backpack "******* Derek! 'Es at it again! Well, I suppose you'll be wantin' a quest for legs, just like the last lot, bless em's souls. Well there be a lot goin' on around town, might be the doin's of a limbnomancer, it be worth a look-see.
There's plenty strange goin's on - I heard tell the lads down the quarry been seeing straaaaange figures watchin' em of an evening. Won't work nights no more. And one afternoon they heard summet in the site office, sounded like a bloody murder, screamin' and groanin', but when they went in the office, Old Alba was in there on her own, clothes half off but smilin' all happy like, said she heard nothin'. Proper strange.
That's not all neither. Minny, you know, the chicken plucker - 'er daughter says she saw a ghost! Not a chicken ghost mind, that'd make sense. No, it was out side of town, it weren't no local.
And I don't need to tell you, Burt - there's been some strange comin's and goin's at Waelvur's. I don't mean all the fellas with no arms or legs, although that's pretty disturbing too. People sneakin' around at night. Someone's up to summut.
Might have sommut to do with that fog - never seen nothin' like it, sunny day, cloudy day, rainy day, fog don't give a shite it just hangs around the Slumber Hills like a bad smell. Unnatural it is!
And the itchin'! I shudda mentioned the itchin! All the womenfolk got it cept that high-horsin' ***** Maegla. Thinkin' she might be a witch. Would explain a lot - the sneakin' around, the ghosts - Fell magic it is!
If it's coin yer after, well…. When 'es not slicin hams, Harbuck likes to think 'imself constable, 'es been sayin' there's bandits out in the hills. Don’t do nutthin' about it mind. Might be worth 'avin' a word with him though, could be he'll pay for a couple of strappin' deputies to look into it for 'im.
Oh but listen to me goin' on an that. I've customers to be seein to. You boys enjoy your beer. And… um… if you want to talk things over a little more, I'll be up in my room. You remember where that is Burt…."
She lays a hand on Burt's cheek and tries to sensuously slide it back but some of his steel-wire stubble breaks the skin of her palm. She licks the blood from her hand like a horny Bruce Lee and heads back towards the kitchen to find a bandage and some tweezers.
"Oh, fine, fine, Stumpy. Givin' all me ale to the floor. I mean I don't mind sharing a bit you know but it hadn't even asked for it, that's all I'm saying. Here I was trying to get a sip and you just give it to the first board bloke that you pass by on your way over!" the Knight complains as he reaches for the ale but realizes once again he really needs to look into obtaining some sort of body growth that could be capable of moving an object from table to mouth so he settles down, recovers his grace, and adds in a much warmer tone, "I appreciate the effort and all, no doubt of that. And I realize you're struggling there, but let's not get to 'asty about it lad, you've still got an extra member or two you know," As he finishes off the drop of ale he looks around to the table adding, "Unlike the blokes that lost these scalawags. Geesh woman, what have you done to these poor mens memberships? I'll stick with the ale if that's alright. May need another round after that scare."
As the woman heads back to the bar, Sir Dark as Knight leans his head around to speak up to Burt, "Oh, that's the one for you there Burt, she is. Could use a bit of fire stoking she says. Don't look much of a cook though" He looks over to Stumpy who just sits there with a hollow look on his face, "Me and ol' Stumpy there can wait a bit for you if needed, I'm sure the fog will wait. Hanging around all times of day and night, seems like it's got plenty of time on its... well, plenty of time is all I'm saying." He thinks about scratching his head while he's thinking about his head needing scratching and adds, "I say we check out that fog at some point. May be where my legs got off to. Damn legs. Seems just like something they'd do. Run off to some fog without so much as a see ya later, hanging round day or night. Probably dancing. Out in a fog nobody to watch, they probably started kicking up heels, dancing around. No telling what legs'll do when you ain't watching."
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Burt drains the large glass of ale in half a swallow, shaves his stubble off in two strokes of his sword, the stubble immediately grows back, and he jumps up, knocking his chair to the floor on top of the guy that got comfortable down there earlier. A QUEST! He shouts, holding up his shaving sword. We can go ahead and go...it's basically tossing a hot dog down a hallway at this point. Maybe we should go check out that fog...and kill some bandits while we're at it. Let's go talk to that one guy that I forgot his name and can't be bothered to scroll up and see what it was.
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The door to the inn bursts open like an ill-maintained dam, and a burly man with a vendor tray around his neck fills the doorway. "Ham-a for sale! Who will-a buy my lovely-a sliced-a ham, which I slice so nice-a in the butchers shop next door whenna I'm not being da local po-lice constatbulare! Ham-a for sale! Ah - By my stars!" Harbuck Tuthmarillar (who's name you couldn't be arsed to scroll up for)'s offensive accent drops in surprise, "if that's not the back of Burt Macklin's head. And look - on the other side of it is Burt Macklins face! It has to be Burt Macklin!
Burt, my friend! I've not seen you since my wife's last menstrual cycle. It's been months. So what brings you to back town?" His expression darkens a little. "It's nothing to do with those bandits out in the hill is it?
Oh those bandits. I'd give my right arm to see them brought to justice! I'm sure plenty around town would pay up to. But I'm so busy selling quality cold cuts I just don't have the time to take care of business myself. And hiring professionals for that kind of mercenary work would cost the town an arm and a leg. Wherever would we find....." He narrows his eyes. "Say Burt - you and your friends wouldn't be interested in a little Questing would you?"
"You're right arm, er, I mean, Bandits you say!?" the Ill-lit Knight replies. "I shall speak at them crossly and defend your towns honor sir meat slinger!" He bends his head round to get a glimpse of Burt and whispers, "Seriously, the price seems about right wouldn't you say? I mean sure, you've got two now, but a spare is always nice and I could hold onto it for you for a while if you like."
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(Perception roll for Gonorrclorians sightings: 14)
Burt hears only parts of this as he has been inhaling cold cuts off the tray: Mehbe we cug tegg ker uff vat fer you he says around a sickening amount of low quality meat in his mouth. After nowhere near enough chewing, he recovers and says I mean, would 20 gold pieces also be included with the arms and legs? Because we need all of that stuff. And I'm pretty sure I'm good at killing bandits...that seems like a thing the hero of the story is likely to be good at, anyways. So, you'll have to wrap up those cold cuts, Harvin! Me and this inky, ebon-hued knight shall ride at once to defeat this menace!
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Harbuk looks from his emptying tray to Burt's meat-clogged maw. His voice, when he finally speaks, is cold. "You just ate 30gp worth of ham. Take care of this and we'll call it quits. If you don't.... well I guess I'll be restocking now won't I?"
I mean...they looked like free samples there, Marluk. You've gotta admit, it's a little confusing. How bout some cold cuts pressed into the shape of an arm?
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"Burt is quite right Constantinople, you did come in offering ham-a and meats-a. It seemed a heartfelt offer that I'm sure confused us all," Sir Starless Knight chimes in, attempting to help a brother out. Even if that brother knew that perhaps there was someone, I don't know, nearby, that may have wanted a meaty treat hisself but couldn't reach for one reason or another. But hey, you're the main character and all, so I'm sure quite too busy to think about tossing a slice or two over a shoulder.
"cold cuts pressed into.... What are you, some kind of.... " He eyes you suspiciously. The room, which was quiet anyway on account of you scaring most people off, becomes almost hallowed in its silence. "...hamshaman? Folk have been talking - lot of strange goings on what don't make sense. Watchers in the dark. Womenfolk talking bout pork in their sleep a lot. The kitchen in this here Inn catches fire every time they try to grill a chop. No one wants to say it but'n they're all thinking it. He's back. Todeswurst. Not seen 'is like hereabouts for nigh on a thousand years. They say a hamsham can cut a slice so thin, one side is on the astral plane, and with his bare hands no less. Mark my words, you best steer clear of anything to do with.... The you-knows-what!"
There is an uncomfortable silence, interrupted by old man Waelvur bursting in with a foul smelling pink puppet-like assemblage jogging after him.
"Burt! You're here! Thank heavens! Look, don't ask any questions but I've managed to build a rudimentary framework for your dusky coloured acquaintance, and I pulled in a favour and got the whole thing wrapped in swineflesh and animated by a hamsh-CONSTABLE! How wonderful to see you - oh my goodness, look how low the sun probably is in the sky outside, I better finish working on.....that.....wheel...for a....wagon?" He leaves without tendering a bill. The loose assemblage of limbs and scratchings remains in the bar, a gangly, lost looking thing with a hole in the middle just big enough for a limbless knight of twilit hue.
Note, while wearing the animated pork body, you have disadvantage on stealth rolls against beasts, advantage on intimidation rolls against vegans and you can opt to negate the damage of a hit in exchange for losing a limb up to 4 times. Crits hit your head though.
A slight grin begins to form upon Sir Lackofhugh's face as his spirit rises but then decides to stick around a bit longer and jumps immediately back into its fleshy container. "Now there's a helpful gent, don'tcha say Burt? How's about setting me in there will ya? I'm good with my teeth mind you, but an opposable thumb could come in quite handy when faced with pancakes or sausages. Anything really that your trying to get from a table to you mouth. Might help with some of that Bandit hunting fogginess and such too. That is if you've had your fill of deli treats. No rush mind you. I've got all night."
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Burt is convinced enough to toss a few older, molder slices of ham towards the general vicinity of the darkly shaded knight's face hole. There ya go buddy. So, ham shamans huh? Sounds deeeelicious. Perhaps we could even find a baconmancer and/or a steakjurer. So Hornchuck, what exactly is the job here? Anything I need to solve? Besides how to strap this raven hued knight into that there hammobile?
Animal handling check: 18
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"solve? Oh noes, you stay away from the Hamshaman, you know what's good for ya. Not that he exists, ha ha. Stick to fighting bandits and ruffians, good honest work. Here - take this convenient map to the location where I think they might be holed up. Drew it meself!"
"Ah yes!" Sir Shade of Carbonized Vegetation exclaims. "I am familiar with the area of Nolonger. It once was quite beautiful, or so they say. I've never actually seen it, and any known images of the place seem to be out of circulation. One now can only imagine what it may look like. Quite a lot of darkness there though for wrong doers to lurk about." The knight hefts one of his newly acquired meaty prosthetic arms toward the ceiling and exclaims. "Let us be off Burt, to curtail those mischievous mischievers!" He then takes a sniff of his other arm and adds "Pack light, I think we have plenty of bacon!"
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Burt studies the map quite studiously. Hmm...yes, this map is quite clear. Amazing how detailed it is, really. You've really outdone yourself here, Hambone. And you are quite right, Sir Knight of Pink and That Other, Much Darker Color Which Lacks Pigment Of Any Kind. Let us march on to Nolonger, north of Imgur and south of Requesting. Right in the middle of those, really. Yes, great map, there. He charges out the door, swinging his sword wildly around his head.
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You set out under the afternoon sun, heading south west along the Cairn Road following the constable's map. The road winds a lot less than the crude scrawl would have you believe, taking you out of the town and between the fieldstone fences and well-maintained hedges that delineate Red Larch's pastures. About a mile or so out of town the signs of civilization give way to wilderness - unspoiled miles of grassland and woods stretching out before you filled with wildlife and the promise of adventure.
Speaking of which, how carefully / wrecklessly are you proceeding, and did you bring Stumpy Greg?
Burt is proceeding as carefully as the reckless way he's running and swinging his sword will allow. Of course Ol' Stumps is with us! We have to have someone around that could make a poignant and emotional sacrifice around without taking any main characters out of the picture.
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Stumpy trundles along behind you with a slightly offputting "clip...<trundle trundle>" - the answering clop never comes and the effect is unsettling.
The grass at the roadside is no match for Burt's mighty blade. There are no rupees in the grass, if that's what you're hoping for, but it does seem to be putting the shits up the local wildlife - you hear a pidgeon call from somewhere just off the road, answered by another in the distance.
Speaking of the road, you have reached what is probably the area denoted by Harbuk's map - there are no specific landmarks around, the roadside is mostly long grass and low sloping hills punctuated by occasional rocky outcrops, but the distance from town is right and you can see the track here looks a little churned up by erratic wagon tracks and a lot of feet moving to and fro. Oh and there's a dead horse with an arrow sticking out of it's neck that's been partially dragged off the track, which is a bit of a give-away.
"I don't know what you're droning on about there Stumpy," the Burger King says to the hollow centaur, "It's not like you were once inhabited by the soul of a suave and boisterous crime fighter or any some such. And keep tight would you, Burt 'n me are working this lass here. Were ladies men don't you see?" he adds as a sideways grin comes over his face, sort of like one that you see when someone gives out the finger guns and a wink, though he can't currently manage the finger gun part. Hands seem to be at odds with the lack of arms at the moment. Hmm.
As he cranes his neck around to peek at the barmaid placing the tankards of ale he quite kindly adds, "But would you do a chap a favor and lend me your arm for a bit. I parched you see and a taste of that there bitter would sure do the job."
Though not currently a member, seeking admission to the really long and important signature club. Please consider this as a current CV.
Other personalities... Burgee , The Colorless Knight, Fiorello, RW Goodbarrel, Dred, Evrik - Out of the Abyss & Dungeon of the Mad Mage
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Guy loses a few friggin legs and doesn't even want to talk anymore. Momma Macklin always said, never trust a centaur.
Con save: 22
I don't know about you guys, but I'm feeling mighty well constituted at the moment.
Back and ready to DM and chew bubblegum. And I'm alllll outta bubblegum.
Alas, the barmaid has retreated too quickly to have heard The Black Knight's plea. Stumpy hears it though, and picks up an ale, making a holy show of dragging him self around to the far side of the table with his free hand and remaining hoof, ale cocked at an increasingly obtuse angle. (At this point I'd insert the Two Soups sketch but BBC have blocked it!). By the time he gets to you, there is but a dribble of ale at the bottom of the glass. The Centaur beams with pleasure, delighted to finally feel like he's really accomplishing something.
Burt, whatever has that maid in a tizzy, your system is resisting it, and how! If you roll a 20 or higher perception check right now, you can see individual Gonorrheans (yes, like microscopic versions of the dudes from Return of the Jedi) fleeing your trews in terror and escaping across the floor.
Meanwhile, back at the bar, the rather sturdy woman returns, her hair now looking more like a portuguese breakfast than a french roll, her face blackened with soot and smeared in a way that suggests she's tried to turn it into a smokey-eye look but it's left her looking like a fullback who's date left him for a chess player at the prom. She smooths down her apron and brings over a plate of... I want to say grilled sausages, but it looks like they're holding a bris for Belial out the back.
"With my compliments!" she declares, performing an unnecessary and aggressive crotchal lunge to lay the plate at the table. "No need to bother yerselves, the fire's out. Well, the fire out back, that is!" Leaning in she whispers huskily "Got a fire up front needs seein' to, mind!" and performs a wink so theatrical she might be having a stroke. "So, you boys in town looking for adventure? Or... Oh sweet Sune's lovely locks, what 'appened to 'im?" she notices Burt's novelty backpack "******* Derek! 'Es at it again! Well, I suppose you'll be wantin' a quest for legs, just like the last lot, bless em's souls. Well there be a lot goin' on around town, might be the doin's of a limbnomancer, it be worth a look-see.
There's plenty strange goin's on - I heard tell the lads down the quarry been seeing straaaaange figures watchin' em of an evening. Won't work nights no more. And one afternoon they heard summet in the site office, sounded like a bloody murder, screamin' and groanin', but when they went in the office, Old Alba was in there on her own, clothes half off but smilin' all happy like, said she heard nothin'. Proper strange.
That's not all neither. Minny, you know, the chicken plucker - 'er daughter says she saw a ghost! Not a chicken ghost mind, that'd make sense. No, it was out side of town, it weren't no local.
And I don't need to tell you, Burt - there's been some strange comin's and goin's at Waelvur's. I don't mean all the fellas with no arms or legs, although that's pretty disturbing too. People sneakin' around at night. Someone's up to summut.
Might have sommut to do with that fog - never seen nothin' like it, sunny day, cloudy day, rainy day, fog don't give a shite it just hangs around the Slumber Hills like a bad smell. Unnatural it is!
And the itchin'! I shudda mentioned the itchin! All the womenfolk got it cept that high-horsin' ***** Maegla. Thinkin' she might be a witch. Would explain a lot - the sneakin' around, the ghosts - Fell magic it is!
If it's coin yer after, well…. When 'es not slicin hams, Harbuck likes to think 'imself constable, 'es been sayin' there's bandits out in the hills. Don’t do nutthin' about it mind. Might be worth 'avin' a word with him though, could be he'll pay for a couple of strappin' deputies to look into it for 'im.
Oh but listen to me goin' on an that. I've customers to be seein to. You boys enjoy your beer. And… um… if you want to talk things over a little more, I'll be up in my room. You remember where that is Burt…."
She lays a hand on Burt's cheek and tries to sensuously slide it back but some of his steel-wire stubble breaks the skin of her palm. She licks the blood from her hand like a horny Bruce Lee and heads back towards the kitchen to find a bandage and some tweezers.
Strix, Shifter Shadow Monk in Lost Mines of Phandelver ¦ Sihegiall Human Soulknife Rogue in In Search of Molly McGuffin
"Oh, fine, fine, Stumpy. Givin' all me ale to the floor. I mean I don't mind sharing a bit you know but it hadn't even asked for it, that's all I'm saying. Here I was trying to get a sip and you just give it to the first board bloke that you pass by on your way over!" the Knight complains as he reaches for the ale but realizes once again he really needs to look into obtaining some sort of body growth that could be capable of moving an object from table to mouth so he settles down, recovers his grace, and adds in a much warmer tone, "I appreciate the effort and all, no doubt of that. And I realize you're struggling there, but let's not get to 'asty about it lad, you've still got an extra member or two you know," As he finishes off the drop of ale he looks around to the table adding, "Unlike the blokes that lost these scalawags. Geesh woman, what have you done to these poor mens memberships? I'll stick with the ale if that's alright. May need another round after that scare."
As the woman heads back to the bar, Sir Dark as Knight leans his head around to speak up to Burt, "Oh, that's the one for you there Burt, she is. Could use a bit of fire stoking she says. Don't look much of a cook though" He looks over to Stumpy who just sits there with a hollow look on his face, "Me and ol' Stumpy there can wait a bit for you if needed, I'm sure the fog will wait. Hanging around all times of day and night, seems like it's got plenty of time on its... well, plenty of time is all I'm saying." He thinks about scratching his head while he's thinking about his head needing scratching and adds, "I say we check out that fog at some point. May be where my legs got off to. Damn legs. Seems just like something they'd do. Run off to some fog without so much as a see ya later, hanging round day or night. Probably dancing. Out in a fog nobody to watch, they probably started kicking up heels, dancing around. No telling what legs'll do when you ain't watching."
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Burt drains the large glass of ale in half a swallow, shaves his stubble off in two strokes of his sword, the stubble immediately grows back, and he jumps up, knocking his chair to the floor on top of the guy that got comfortable down there earlier. A QUEST! He shouts, holding up his shaving sword. We can go ahead and go...it's basically tossing a hot dog down a hallway at this point. Maybe we should go check out that fog...and kill some bandits while we're at it. Let's go talk to that one guy that I forgot his name and can't be bothered to scroll up and see what it was.
Back and ready to DM and chew bubblegum. And I'm alllll outta bubblegum.
The door to the inn bursts open like an ill-maintained dam, and a burly man with a vendor tray around his neck fills the doorway. "Ham-a for sale! Who will-a buy my lovely-a sliced-a ham, which I slice so nice-a in the butchers shop next door whenna I'm not being da local po-lice constatbulare! Ham-a for sale! Ah - By my stars!" Harbuck Tuthmarillar (who's name you couldn't be arsed to scroll up for)'s offensive accent drops in surprise, "if that's not the back of Burt Macklin's head. And look - on the other side of it is Burt Macklins face! It has to be Burt Macklin!
Burt, my friend! I've not seen you since my wife's last menstrual cycle. It's been months. So what brings you to back town?" His expression darkens a little. "It's nothing to do with those bandits out in the hill is it?
Oh those bandits. I'd give my right arm to see them brought to justice! I'm sure plenty around town would pay up to. But I'm so busy selling quality cold cuts I just don't have the time to take care of business myself. And hiring professionals for that kind of mercenary work would cost the town an arm and a leg. Wherever would we find....." He narrows his eyes. "Say Burt - you and your friends wouldn't be interested in a little Questing would you?"
Strix, Shifter Shadow Monk in Lost Mines of Phandelver ¦ Sihegiall Human Soulknife Rogue in In Search of Molly McGuffin
"You're right arm, er, I mean, Bandits you say!?" the Ill-lit Knight replies. "I shall speak at them crossly and defend your towns honor sir meat slinger!" He bends his head round to get a glimpse of Burt and whispers, "Seriously, the price seems about right wouldn't you say? I mean sure, you've got two now, but a spare is always nice and I could hold onto it for you for a while if you like."
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(Perception roll for Gonorrclorians sightings: 14)
Burt hears only parts of this as he has been inhaling cold cuts off the tray: Mehbe we cug tegg ker uff vat fer you he says around a sickening amount of low quality meat in his mouth. After nowhere near enough chewing, he recovers and says I mean, would 20 gold pieces also be included with the arms and legs? Because we need all of that stuff. And I'm pretty sure I'm good at killing bandits...that seems like a thing the hero of the story is likely to be good at, anyways. So, you'll have to wrap up those cold cuts, Harvin! Me and this inky, ebon-hued knight shall ride at once to defeat this menace!
Back and ready to DM and chew bubblegum. And I'm alllll outta bubblegum.
Harbuk looks from his emptying tray to Burt's meat-clogged maw. His voice, when he finally speaks, is cold. "You just ate 30gp worth of ham. Take care of this and we'll call it quits. If you don't.... well I guess I'll be restocking now won't I?"
Strix, Shifter Shadow Monk in Lost Mines of Phandelver ¦ Sihegiall Human Soulknife Rogue in In Search of Molly McGuffin
I mean...they looked like free samples there, Marluk. You've gotta admit, it's a little confusing. How bout some cold cuts pressed into the shape of an arm?
Back and ready to DM and chew bubblegum. And I'm alllll outta bubblegum.
"Burt is quite right Constantinople, you did come in offering ham-a and meats-a. It seemed a heartfelt offer that I'm sure confused us all," Sir Starless Knight chimes in, attempting to help a brother out. Even if that brother knew that perhaps there was someone, I don't know, nearby, that may have wanted a meaty treat hisself but couldn't reach for one reason or another. But hey, you're the main character and all, so I'm sure quite too busy to think about tossing a slice or two over a shoulder.
(Persuasive Meat Talk: 17)
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Other personalities... Burgee , The Colorless Knight, Fiorello, RW Goodbarrel, Dred, Evrik - Out of the Abyss & Dungeon of the Mad Mage
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"cold cuts pressed into.... What are you, some kind of.... " He eyes you suspiciously. The room, which was quiet anyway on account of you scaring most people off, becomes almost hallowed in its silence. "...hamshaman? Folk have been talking - lot of strange goings on what don't make sense. Watchers in the dark. Womenfolk talking bout pork in their sleep a lot. The kitchen in this here Inn catches fire every time they try to grill a chop. No one wants to say it but'n they're all thinking it. He's back. Todeswurst. Not seen 'is like hereabouts for nigh on a thousand years. They say a hamsham can cut a slice so thin, one side is on the astral plane, and with his bare hands no less. Mark my words, you best steer clear of anything to do with.... The you-knows-what!"
There is an uncomfortable silence, interrupted by old man Waelvur bursting in with a foul smelling pink puppet-like assemblage jogging after him.
"Burt! You're here! Thank heavens! Look, don't ask any questions but I've managed to build a rudimentary framework for your dusky coloured acquaintance, and I pulled in a favour and got the whole thing wrapped in swineflesh and animated by a hamsh-CONSTABLE! How wonderful to see you - oh my goodness, look how low the sun probably is in the sky outside, I better finish working on.....that.....wheel...for a....wagon?" He leaves without tendering a bill. The loose assemblage of limbs and scratchings remains in the bar, a gangly, lost looking thing with a hole in the middle just big enough for a limbless knight of twilit hue.
Note, while wearing the animated pork body, you have disadvantage on stealth rolls against beasts, advantage on intimidation rolls against vegans and you can opt to negate the damage of a hit in exchange for losing a limb up to 4 times. Crits hit your head though.
Strix, Shifter Shadow Monk in Lost Mines of Phandelver ¦ Sihegiall Human Soulknife Rogue in In Search of Molly McGuffin
A slight grin begins to form upon Sir Lackofhugh's face as his spirit rises but then decides to stick around a bit longer and jumps immediately back into its fleshy container. "Now there's a helpful gent, don'tcha say Burt? How's about setting me in there will ya? I'm good with my teeth mind you, but an opposable thumb could come in quite handy when faced with pancakes or sausages. Anything really that your trying to get from a table to you mouth. Might help with some of that Bandit hunting fogginess and such too. That is if you've had your fill of deli treats. No rush mind you. I've got all night."
Though not currently a member, seeking admission to the really long and important signature club. Please consider this as a current CV.
Other personalities... Burgee , The Colorless Knight, Fiorello, RW Goodbarrel, Dred, Evrik - Out of the Abyss & Dungeon of the Mad Mage
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Burt is convinced enough to toss a few older, molder slices of ham towards the general vicinity of the darkly shaded knight's face hole. There ya go buddy. So, ham shamans huh? Sounds deeeelicious. Perhaps we could even find a baconmancer and/or a steakjurer. So Hornchuck, what exactly is the job here? Anything I need to solve? Besides how to strap this raven hued knight into that there hammobile?
Animal handling check: 18
Back and ready to DM and chew bubblegum. And I'm alllll outta bubblegum.
"solve? Oh noes, you stay away from the Hamshaman, you know what's good for ya. Not that he exists, ha ha. Stick to fighting bandits and ruffians, good honest work. Here - take this convenient map to the location where I think they might be holed up. Drew it meself!"
Strix, Shifter Shadow Monk in Lost Mines of Phandelver ¦ Sihegiall Human Soulknife Rogue in In Search of Molly McGuffin
"Ah yes!" Sir Shade of Carbonized Vegetation exclaims. "I am familiar with the area of Nolonger. It once was quite beautiful, or so they say. I've never actually seen it, and any known images of the place seem to be out of circulation. One now can only imagine what it may look like. Quite a lot of darkness there though for wrong doers to lurk about." The knight hefts one of his newly acquired meaty prosthetic arms toward the ceiling and exclaims. "Let us be off Burt, to curtail those mischievous mischievers!" He then takes a sniff of his other arm and adds "Pack light, I think we have plenty of bacon!"
Though not currently a member, seeking admission to the really long and important signature club. Please consider this as a current CV.
Other personalities... Burgee , The Colorless Knight, Fiorello, RW Goodbarrel, Dred, Evrik - Out of the Abyss & Dungeon of the Mad Mage
Site Rules & Guidelines || Tooltips || Homebrew FAQ || Snippet Codes || Syllvva's Guides
Burt studies the map quite studiously. Hmm...yes, this map is quite clear. Amazing how detailed it is, really. You've really outdone yourself here, Hambone. And you are quite right, Sir Knight of Pink and That Other, Much Darker Color Which Lacks Pigment Of Any Kind. Let us march on to Nolonger, north of Imgur and south of Requesting. Right in the middle of those, really. Yes, great map, there. He charges out the door, swinging his sword wildly around his head.
Back and ready to DM and chew bubblegum. And I'm alllll outta bubblegum.
You set out under the afternoon sun, heading south west along the Cairn Road following the constable's map. The road winds a lot less than the crude scrawl would have you believe, taking you out of the town and between the fieldstone fences and well-maintained hedges that delineate Red Larch's pastures. About a mile or so out of town the signs of civilization give way to wilderness - unspoiled miles of grassland and woods stretching out before you filled with wildlife and the promise of adventure.
Speaking of which, how carefully / wrecklessly are you proceeding, and did you bring Stumpy Greg?
Strix, Shifter Shadow Monk in Lost Mines of Phandelver ¦ Sihegiall Human Soulknife Rogue in In Search of Molly McGuffin
Burt is proceeding as carefully as the reckless way he's running and swinging his sword will allow. Of course Ol' Stumps is with us! We have to have someone around that could make a poignant and emotional sacrifice around without taking any main characters out of the picture.
Back and ready to DM and chew bubblegum. And I'm alllll outta bubblegum.
Stumpy trundles along behind you with a slightly offputting "clip...<trundle trundle>" - the answering clop never comes and the effect is unsettling.
The grass at the roadside is no match for Burt's mighty blade. There are no rupees in the grass, if that's what you're hoping for, but it does seem to be putting the shits up the local wildlife - you hear a pidgeon call from somewhere just off the road, answered by another in the distance.
Speaking of the road, you have reached what is probably the area denoted by Harbuk's map - there are no specific landmarks around, the roadside is mostly long grass and low sloping hills punctuated by occasional rocky outcrops, but the distance from town is right and you can see the track here looks a little churned up by erratic wagon tracks and a lot of feet moving to and fro. Oh and there's a dead horse with an arrow sticking out of it's neck that's been partially dragged off the track, which is a bit of a give-away.
Strix, Shifter Shadow Monk in Lost Mines of Phandelver ¦ Sihegiall Human Soulknife Rogue in In Search of Molly McGuffin