*group*

"How much food can we make out of its corpse?"

my one is 

" they want to burn the town and so we will ride out and save your village" said by the fighter.

this is funny because we rode out and the enemy came from the opposite direction so when we got back the town was already taken over.

we then tried to sige it but the wizard casted fireball and burnt the town down.

"Listen. Whatever you do, do NOT put on the RED HOT ARMOR that you spent MULTIPLE MINUTES heating up with magic."

"I'm sure there was a key somewhere. Seriously, why did you just break the door down?"

DM: A magic circle, runes of ancient text swirling around it, appears under you
Player: I can understand all languages, what does it say?
DM: Uh.... ..."Summoning Circle"?

----
DM (As a king of the realm): Welcome o mighty heroes! We have summoned you to-
*Gazes upon the party, which consists of a halfling with a holding a large pile of coins, a really really old elf, George VV shrub, and a child (who is a vessel of death)*
DM: ...The king leans over to his royal summoner and asks "did you mix up your spells again?"

---
(Context: Both the halfling and the elf are rogues, so they're speaking in thieves cant)
Rogue: Hey old timer, you gonna stick around and watch the stars?
Elf: Jupiter is in retrograde, I gotta get outta here.

---
(in response to being denied entry)
Player playing George VV Shrub: But I'm the president?
Me, playing the death child: You are not the president of the realm
(This exchange happened about 10 more times)

"He appears to worship trees..."

"You just tried to sexually harass a gnome"

"They say Rah Rah Rah"

- My DM

"I drop kicked a baby and turned it into bone confetti" - The bard

Setting - The group's barbarian gets possessed and turns on the group attacking the healer first.  

Barbarian:  "I am the BBEG now!"

Monk rushes in to try to Stunning Strike the barbarian, rolls a total of 19.  

Barbarian: "See! I am invincible!"

Monk rolls again: "Yes, that's nice.  But does a 30 hit you?"

*at a gala trying to steal a magic necklace*

Rouge: "uh oh."

The rest of the party: "what is it now?"

Rouge: "Did any one ask what the necklace looked like?"

The party: "no why?"

Rouge: "Well there are a lot of necklace's and we didn't ask for a description of the thing where trying to steal."

Everyone: "..."

*proceeds to steal every necklace hopeing that one of them is the right one*

Recently, 

we were doing a spelljammer-type campaign. Had just snuck into the BBEG’S castle, when a sphere-robot popped up in front the party. I, a low int barbarian (of course) questioned its very existence. very kindly.

(barbarian) YOU IS WHAT ARE!

(the sphere) Greetings! I am SPaRK. I'm afraid your free trial of living has expired.

(proceeds to Electrocute Him to death)

and thus endeth the reign of Travok Goruun. 

Quote from Joshua_the_Autistic_Tiefling >>

Quote from medschooldropout >>

"We all play DnD because in some teeny tiny capacity it has a little to do with wish fulfillment. Me? I get to eat Donald Trump."

 There is a story behind this that I want to hear.

 Yes.

The scene - an intense roleplay session on board the skyship. The barbarian character is a little left out, unfortunately, as he's not uncovering past traumas and such.

Cleric and Artificer make a mass-scrying spell which lets the cleric control it but the artificer can also see through it. They scry on something they shouldn't which then scrys right back at them. They leave scrying in a panic. Then the Cleric checks for invisible sensors and sees one right in the room with them.

Several things happen:

Artificer: "I turn away from the orb."

Barbarian: "I open the door and say "I just worked out how to weaponise fish!"

Cleric: "I dispel the scrying orb at 6th level."

...

Artificer: "Did that you say that you worked out how to weaponise fish?"

Cleric: "More importantly, that's all whoever was scrying on us heard before I dispelled it!"

Context: the blood hunter in our group went feral, and I, the kobold with a monster hunter style greatsword, had my turn immediately after.

*BONK* "Stahp that."

The blood hunter got knocked out cold before they could hurt anyone else.
First try, too.

“can i rizz up the coconut”

“I slap him with the pointy part of my battle axe.”

”So you chop him.”

”No. I slap him with the pointy part of my axe.”

So recently we switched out note taker, and so far its gone like this:

Roleplay roleplay but *insert DM's name (i dont wanna doxx her lol) doesn’t want us asking this poor guy where he lives 🙁

Mallin wants kids tickets for the party bebes

Mallin ‘persuades’ and fails miserably because xilif is the token wannabe rizzlord

Xilif wants to minor illusion but his intelligence score is in the negatives

Why does one interaction last 10 min in this campaign broskis

Minor illusion actually works for once in its life

Coralie illegally smuggles king coconut nut is a giant nut if you eat too much you get very fut

Me (druid): "Stop killing elves and I will teach you magic and stuff."

Barbarian: "...no."

Me: "Then I challenge you to a duel!"

Fighter: "Hey, let's down *him* and steal his gold."

Wizard: "That's a great idea! If we split his gold we'll each have *checks my character sheet* *x* gold!"

“We don’t actually know if it’s the same kid. We think it’s the same kid, cause it sure as hell sounds like it is, but the newspaper article didn’t actually mention him by name, it was, like, a sentence about him. So it is possible it’s not the same kid, but we think it is indeed the homeless child that I gave a fake coin I made with Minor Illusion to go buy a sandwich.”

- Me, to the new party mates who showed up to most recent the session of the campaign

If you wanna know why the kid was in the newspaper, it’s because he was found dead in the streets having starved to death (assuming it is, in fact, the same child).
There was a whole section of the newspaper of the… situations that I alone caused.

Believe me, it wasn’t that bad. In the most recent session, I may or may not have used Fire Bolt to very realistically reenact the warehouse that blew up Beirut’s larger bay.
There were at least 20 deaths from that, and it immediately put me in first place for “player with the worst criminal record in-game” within the party.
The guy in second just killed a bunch of random people, including a child, unnecessarily, in order to rob a bank vault.

The DM: “He ate your grapes”

The Barbarian: throws himself at sleeping adult black dragon as a level 4 character. “NOBODY EATS MY GRAPES”

“Imagine this head is a cat. KEEP! IT! IN! THE! BAG!”

(context: When one of the PC’s died, the others apparently though it was a good idea to put their head in our bag of holding. Fast forward and now we are meeting the PC’s old flame. If they see the head, they will crash the cart.)