Greetings, adventurers! Dan Telfer here, arguably the weirdest contributor to D&D Beyond in that I enjoy mixing business (tabletop gaming) with pleasure (blatant satirical lies). 

This holiday season I have been trying to wrap my head around some of the greatest challenges. Surely there's the big challenges...

• How do you buy an affordable non-trash present after Cyber Monday?
• How do you put a dying tree in your home without its corpse lodging its little needles in your nice high-end IKEA carpet?
• What's the best way to drop "OK boomer" into the family dinner conversation?

But to me the greatest challenge is, of course, how would a Machiavellian beholder crime lord deal with the holidays? THAT'S the kind of unchecked confidence I wish I had as I clumsily explain to a loved one why I thought a doughnut-scented candle was a thoughtful gift. So in the spirit of gamifying everything in life to make it just a little more tolerable, I now present the best tips for holiday gatherings I could come up with while evoking the spirit of that secretive, megalomaniacal pile of eyeballs known as Xanathar.

Will this article really make sense? No. Will it be mildly entertaining to folks who know what Dungeons and Dragons is? Dear Lolth, I hope so. Because I am indeed weird and enjoy writing such things.

In other words, I am a human writer, sure, but I am now going to pretend I am hostile and give you fake tips on how to act evil towards people you love. Do not actually follow through on any of this advice under any circumstances, because nobody actually wants to be around evil creatures. Especially ones from the Far Realm. Have you ever had an aboleth for a Lyft driver? They never shut up, even when their mouths are closed.

Chunky Redness

Cranberry sauce is a staple at almost every holiday meal, and so why not get into the potluck spirit and bring a chunky red sauce of your own as a garnish the whole party can enjoy. Bring a mysterious crimson, pulpy substance in a sack that drips upon the doorstep as you approach the party's threshold.

"Why, thank you for bringing... is this cranberry sauce?" They will ask.

Do not answer directly. Stare at them for a moment, then say...

"This is my contribution to the table."

Then place it prominently in the center of the dining hall, before any other courses are even served or prepared, in order to establish dominance.

It can be actual cranberry sauce, not the implied remains of an enemy's vital organ, but consider sticking some chicken bones in there for effect. It's also legit to just bring a corpse flower and call it a centerpiece.

Zhentarim Everywhere

The holidays are a time for dressing up in bright, festive colors.

Therefore, it is handy to remember that anyone wearing black to a holiday gathering is likely a Zhentarim agent sent to murder you and suck dry your hard-earned wealth from the beautiful crime network you inherited from the beholder whose name you stole a few centuries ago. The sight of black clothing should spark swift preemptive retaliation (the best kind of retaliation). We recommend bringing an agent to dinner (Did we mention you should hire an agent at a local tavern and call them your "date?" Do that.).

Then, upon spotting a suspicious teen cousin in a black graphic tee, have your "date" cast cloud of daggers and let the daggers just spin in the air over their head for a while as an open threat. 

Economic Consolidation

It is likely that you will be gathering with party of revelers who have some sort of accumulated funds. How much funds they possess will vary, as we live in a time where many a "dragon" hoards its "gold" until "inflation" creates "severe income inequality."

You know, a metaphor for saying "their cup may not overfloweth with platinum." They will, however, likely have a new source of magic, hypothetical currency called "credit cards." Let's cut to the point- make sure to choose mage hand as a cantrip if you think your relatives are going to leave their coin purses piled up on a bed in the spare room. Steal a bunch. 

Stealing is fun, and if you believe you deserve the sum wealth of civilization, there are no real victims.

Revenge Of The Fallen

Finally, at some point, the fools will attempt to feast upon their bounty.

Now is your chance.

Have your necromancer agent cast... We mentioned that your date/agent should be a necromancer, right? Listen, we know they're expensive, but they make for excellent dinner conversation and they're well worth it. Politely ask your necromancer agent to cast raise dead on all meat-based courses on the table. If you prepared well they will have enough for a roast turkey, a honey-glazed ham, and maybe legs of lamb if somebody was generous and creative this year. Bring your own roast Aleksipug if possible, those make amazing minions.

You may encounter some difficulty if there is an insufficient amount of the body left to re-animate it, but if you're smart you will have recruited a necromancer who has traveled to other planes and found some creative ways around this problem. Again, I know this date sounds expensive, but come on, you know what's coming next right?

At this point, have the entire meal stand up from their serving trays and guard the doors. Insist that no-one leave the gathering until they have pledged fealty and have set up a monthly taxation plan for your organization. This is foolproof! Nobody expects their dinner to turn into undead underlings!

Ah, nothing beats the smell of slow-baked meats demanding fealty of their master, you.

Sure, everything above will require a vast amount of resources and forethought. Sure, if so much as slightly follow through on any of this advice you will probably never get invited to a holiday gathering again. But with any luck you will bleed all these suckers dry, and you'll be throwing all the parties from now on. And they'll be the best kinds of parties too: parties wherein you orchestrate the affair while hiding deep in the sewers, while everyone else is forced to actually show up in laughable sweaters. 

Dan Telfer is the Dungeons Humorist aka Comedy Archmage for D&D Beyond (a fun way they are letting him say "writer"), dungeon master for the Nerd Poker podcast, a stand-up comedian, a TV writer who also helped win some Emmys over at Comedy Central, and a former editor of MAD Magazine and The Onion. He can be found riding his bike around Los Angeles from gig to gig to gaming store, though the best way to find out what he's up to is to follow him on Twitter via @dantelfer.