Oh hi there, adventurers.

I am mightily stoked for the upcoming book Explorer's Guide to Wildemount. So much so that I dug deep into the lore and found a few things about the continent that you may have missed, even if you are a huge fan of the tales told over on Critical Role.

In particular, I discovered a lot of rumors, here-say, and folktales about the cults of Wildemount. I mean there's of course the one surrounding the Angel of Irons, and that Traveler fellow who owes the Empire several billion platinum pieces in graffiti fines. But there's tons of cults in Wildemount, a sprawling and mysterious land of full of fey and fluffernutters.

So here is a small sampling of some of my favorites. Fans of Critical Role should be able to see how they're all totally, for sure, definitely real. Everyone else will have to roll Insight, and if you do real good I'll come whisper whether I'm a liar in your ear. If you roll poorly then [Jester voice] tayknically you can't prove anything.

The Bitten of Hupperdook

Ah, the gnome city of Hupperdook! A bit grim and dark place to some, but to others it is home to an adorable cult that worships... some kind of tiny local vampire ghost?

The Bitten of Hupperdook are not unlike a local goth scene. Once a week they meet at a local donut shop called the Frosted Hole to talk about their experiences with the mysterious creature. They're goth, so they mostly just talk about the dark spirit and play sad music. But since the spirit is seemingly gathering a following, we'll call it a cult.

None have seen it with their own eyes, as it slides deftly amongst the shadows like Jourreal on a midnight taco run. But its only goal is a strange one. It seems predisposed to nip the legs of late-night pedestrians with its tiny teeth. Or maybe it's using a little knife? It's not exactly clear if it is some kind of harmless vampiric entity or nigh-immortal rogue stalking the gloom, but boy is it incredibly adept at stabbing and running away without getting itself in harm's way. Some "Bitten" have spotted a lone, tiny black feather floating in the night air as the spirit makes its escape. So is it a spirit and this is its calling sign? Is it some kind of were-raven? Is it a small gnome child that escapes with wings of flying? Nobody knows.

Though most Hupperdookfolk have come to appreciate the tiny cuts on their legs as something of a sign of citizenship (well, at least the cult does because they're a bunch of lugubrious weirdos), it is inevitable that a gently-stabbed victim will be quite annoyed with their fate. It has been said that if one calls out in frustration, asking why this nip at their legs had to occur, they might hear a tiny voice squeak from the shadows, saying "I'm very sweet!"

The Florists of the Coat 

There's nothing more fun than being a hippie wandering the woods near a dangerous black market trade route!

Hippie-drifters are the best kind of cult. What could possible go wrong? This particular non-stop party consists of bacchanalian-inclined locals known as the Florists of the Coat, who stumble and frolic about the woods surrounding Wildemount's Glory Run Road. Apparently the big draw of joining this crew is picking a special flower that grows only around a jacket hung upon a marker of some kind. Smelling the flower is said to make these hippies' eyes suddenly turn crimson red and strip off all their clothes, but this has yet to be confirmed.

The purpose of the coat hung upon the marker is unknown, though they say it is physically unmovable from the wooden branch it hangs upon, and anyone who tries feels a tingle on the back of their neck, smells a whiff of ozone, then sees a flash of lightning behind a nearby hill, silhouetting some kind of vicious barbarian figure with long braided hair and terrifying skeletal wings. In other words, these people (who are usually paranoid hippies to begin with) then freak out and run away.

The Splatted Sect of The Fey King

Deep beneath the rocky soil, somewhere between Felderwin and the tumultuous borders of Xhorhas, an underground population of kobolds worships The Fey King. What that, which Fey King? Well, they haven't really figured it out. In fact, these dim-witted kobolds cannot quite wrap their small protein-strands-of-brain-tissue around the idea that the Fey King could be shapeshifter or a being that dons avatars. No, they worship a very specific vision that came to their ancestors, that of a Bengal cat with four luminous orbs of light that gently encircle it.

And when I say ancestors, I of course mean the kobolds of just a little while ago. Some were even there, and alive, but they tend to get things like days and years mixed up.

Legends speak of a mighty vision of The Fey King, who appeared alongside a group of strange, surface-dwelling mercenaries. There are three chapters to his extraordinary legacy.

In part one, the Fey King appears at the behest of a particularly filthy wizard. It looms terrifyingly, causing the kobolds to quake in subservience. 

In part two, the mercenaries seem to take up a strange interest in a caged rat, and offer The Fey King up as dinner in exchange for the rat's freedom. This is where the cult separates into two sub-sects of the Splatted Sect of the Fey King: The Confused and The Hungry. There has been much debate over why the god would be demeaned in such a way, and also what The Fey King would have tasted like.

In part three the Sects can all agree on the mighty martyr of the cult, Spurt, a scout sent by the kobold's king to figure out why the band of mercenaries was so weird. Legend says that before he died, Spurt joined forces with this group, and felled an entire army of Fire Giants with a small bag of hornets. Though then stepped on and reduced to a fine mist over the magma, he is now forever known as Splat the Reborn, Flattest of his Nest. 

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You can tell I'm legitimately invested in the worlds of Critical Role and Wildemount, and I can't tell you how thrilled I am that it will soon be explorable for all of us in Explorer’s Guide to Wildemount, coming to D&D Beyond on March 13th, 2020, with preorders available now. You can also keep up with the adventures across Wildemount in Critical Role, every Thursday at 7:00 pm PST on www.twitch.tv/CriticalRole.

Dan Telfer is the Dungeons Humorist aka Comedy Archmage for D&D Beyond (a fun way they are letting him say "writer"), dungeon master for the Nerd Poker podcast, a stand-up comedian, a TV writer who also helped win some Emmys over at Comedy Central, and a former editor of MAD Magazine and The Onion. He can be found riding his bike around Los Angeles from gig to gig to gaming store, though the best way to find out what he's up to is to follow him on Twitter via @dantelfer.