I do everything with this player and she is best friend. But Everytime we play DND she acts like buzz kill. This is bringing my other players down. I try help her roleplay, but she always plays her character like a depressed millennial. She is always accusing me of cheating, but everytime I enforce I rule that is not in her favor she calls me a rules lawyer. Kicking her from the game will only cause more problems because we live together (we're siblings). I want to make homemade dungeon tiles and paint my minis to impress her, but I currently don't have the time or resources. She makes it really hard to DM because I'm forced to step out of character all the time for her. The only other person who can see this behavior is my brother. She shows zero respect for me as a DM whenever I get serious and tell her put an end to this crap. It's not like she hates DND or anything because I've told on many occasions she doesn't have to play if doesn't want to.
I think you're looking at the wrong problem, there's not a problem with her being immersed there's a problem with her being generally a problem player. The answer, as with almost any problem at the table, is communication. Ask her why she's apparently not enjoying herself and see what she says. It's perfectly possible that she is just looking for a different type of D&D then you play, some people want hardcore dungeon crawls that are more like a game of chess then a role play experience and others want Critical Role levels of role playing and character development. I love my best friend but we'd never work in the same D&D game for exactly this reason, we just want different things from the game and wouldn't enjoy what the other does. That's not a problem, that's just the nature of the game.
You also seem to have a major problem with her not respecting you as a DM. For instance the accusations of cheating and "being a rules lawyer" are just under cutting your authority at the table. You can't be a rules lawyer because you are literally the arbiter of the rules, it's your job as DM to know the rules and enforce them. A rules lawyer isn't a DM, it's a name given to a problem player who challenges every decision the DM makes. If you're applying the rules as written and applying them equally to everyone then you can neither be cheating nor rules lawyering, you're just being a DM.
I think ultimately you're going to have to boot her, regardless of how awkward that makes everything else. For whatever reason she's just not suited to the game you're playing, she doesn't seem to be enjoying herself and she'll very quickly stop everyone else enjoying it too. You've told her she doesn't need to play but she might feel obligated because you're both her friend and her sibling, or she might simply want to spend time with you in which case you might be able to arrange something like "if I play D&D on a Wednesday without you we can spend Thursday together"
That's a tough one. Obviously you need to have a one-on-one conversation with her, and it should include the information you've given here. Try to use "I" statements to lay out how you feel, eg:
"I feel like when we play D&D, you and I have a lot of conflicts over the rules, which makes it hard for me to focus."
"I want us to have fun playing this game together, but when you RP your character in these ways, I don't know how to respond to that."
"I feel like you accuse me of cheating a lot, and that hurts me. We're all in this together; why do you think I would cheat when I want you to win?"
And of course the classic:
"I'm worried that you're not having fun. What can I do to make sure we both have fun?"
Tell her what you told us. Be open, never accusatory. Listen to what she tells you and try to work together on a solution, even if that solution is her self-selecting out of the game.
I agree with the other suggestions, you need to have a one to one conversation with them out of the game.
If it was just a player, a friend or an acquaintance, then it might be easier to figure out. However, with a sibling it is much harder. Siblings have been around for most of your lives, you do things all the time with family or out of game, there is generally a different attitude between siblings even if they are also best friends.
So, you need to sit down with the sibling and ask them how they are doing. Ask them what they like and don't like about D&D. Do they feel they need to play to remain socially involved (eg Fear of missing out if they don't play?) or do they like the game itself or the other players?
You might also need to explain how the DM job works. The DM creates the world that the characters adventure in. The DM knows the various plots that might be happening, the NPCs - where they are, what they might be doing, any events both related and unrelated to the goals of the party. The DM then adjudicates (in a fair and unbiased way) the interactions between what the characters/players say they want to do and the game world. Those interaction with the game world are controlled by rules that the DM doesn't make up on the spur of the moment - those rules generally remain the same unless magic or something else changes them. This means that when a DM says how something turns out it isn't them just making it up to irritate a character, they are really just resolving the interaction according to the way the game world works.
The rules aren't made to be prejudicial against a character, they are made to keep the world fair for everyone. So, when you say how things go you aren't being a "rules lawyer", you're just doing your job and the game would not be as fun if you didn't do that properly.
In terms of accusations of "cheating", a DM can't cheat. Some DMs "fudge" die rolls either to help or hinder the party at times. It is a good idea to not do this since if the players realize you are "fudging" die roll results then they begin to doubt the impartiality of the DM. One way to avoid all of this is to roll most of your dice in the open where everyone can see. So when that monster misses, hits or crits, the players have no doubt about the fairness. I know folks who even run the game without a DM screen ... however, there are usually some pieces of information that you don't want the players to see too soon so a DM screen is a good way to keep these available but hidden. However, there is usually no really good reason to not share the die rolls.
Finally, creating homemade tiles and minis won't keep a person interested and invested in a game. They will be attracted by the characters and story or not. However, if they would like something then getting a mini for their specific character can be an easy way to possibly get them a bit more invested if they are the sort of person who'd relate to that.
P.S. Anyway, this isn't something that can be resolved in the game, you'll have to have a chat with the person outside the game, find out what is bothering them or driving the behavior and see if there is anything you can do together to change it.
You're not going to impress her with dungeon tiles and minis. Ask her if she actually wants to play D&D or if she just wants to mess with you and screw up your fun.
Okay, so you're dealing with very powerful sibling dynamics here. It's going to be very hard to impress her no matter what you do. If she shows up for the game then that means she wants to play, but probably it's not her ideal game. Maybe see if you can give her a role to play in the game where she has a little more control. I know it sound like she would be getting special treatment, but sometimes players can respond to individual attention and make the game funner for everyone. Maybe try to think of someone who would be a funny NPC to run into and have them interact with her. Or throw a couple of different plot hooks that might interest her, like a magical item that her character could use and tell the party where to find it. Is there anything like that? What kind of character does she run? Does she express interest in certain parts of the game? Does she want to role play more or mess with NPCs? (I have a woman like that at my table)
Bickering at the table is a part of D&D up to a certain point. Handling that is your job. But it's also your job to give your players what they want (rather than what you want to happen).
Try a bit of social ostracisation. When she starts acting up, ignore it and act as though it doesn’t bother you. Don’t let her know that she is getting under your skin, because if you do then you have lost. If the behavior persists, then turn to other players and say things like “sheesh I’m glad some people aren’t interrupting”, things of that nature. Crack jokes at her expense rather than get flustered or upset at her, like when she calls you a rules lawyer say something like: “Hey, lawyers are really smart you should listen to them.”
Try a bit of social ostracisation. When she starts acting up, ignore it and act as though it doesn’t bother you. Don’t let her know that she is getting under your skin, because if you do then you have lost. If the behavior persists, then turn to other players and say things like “sheesh I’m glad some people aren’t interrupting”, things of that nature. Crack jokes at her expense rather than get flustered or upset at her.
Ummm no :)
None of these are good ways to approach the problem, except trying to not let the behaviour bother you. The tactics suggested wouldn't work with friends (if you want to keep them as friends) and they certainly won't work for siblings where you frequently see and interact with them everyday outside of a game context.
I'd still suggest talking to them privately out of the game to see what is bugging them. Find out if they really want to play or are just their to be supportive of their younger sibling or for some other reason. 19 is getting close to adulting so such a chat should be possible though sibling history might be a factor. Try explaining what it looks like through your eyes in a non-confrontational non-blaming sort of way since they may not be aware of how their behaviour might be seen by others.
Anyway, I don't suggest actions that would/could escalate the confrontation since I don't think that is what you want to do ...
Yeah I don't want to call anyone out, but there's definitely one or two pieces of very bad advice in this thread. As the DM, you have two core responsibilities: model the world outside the PCs, and adjudicate the rules in unclear situations. That's it. Some DMs let this absolutely miniscule amount of power go to their heads, and become little tyrants of the table. Don't be That Guy. Always try to solve interpersonal problems at your table in a direct, mutually agreeable way.
Try a bit of social ostracisation. When she starts acting up, ignore it and act as though it doesn’t bother you. Don’t let her know that she is getting under your skin, because if you do then you have lost. If the behavior persists, then turn to other players and say things like “sheesh I’m glad some people aren’t interrupting”, things of that nature. Crack jokes at her expense rather than get flustered or upset at her, like when she calls you a rules lawyer say something like: “Hey, lawyers are really smart you should listen to them.”
Hmmmmm.... No. This is not great advice. There is way better ways to approach this. Being passive aggressive as a DM can cause a toxic environment for everyone. Kinda fighting fire with fire.
Hand her the books and tell her she is now the DM and move into a player's seat.
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I do everything with this player and she is best friend. But Everytime we play DND she acts like buzz kill. This is bringing my other players down. I try help her roleplay, but she always plays her character like a depressed millennial. She is always accusing me of cheating, but everytime I enforce I rule that is not in her favor she calls me a rules lawyer. Kicking her from the game will only cause more problems because we live together (we're siblings). I want to make homemade dungeon tiles and paint my minis to impress her, but I currently don't have the time or resources. She makes it really hard to DM because I'm forced to step out of character all the time for her. The only other person who can see this behavior is my brother. She shows zero respect for me as a DM whenever I get serious and tell her put an end to this crap. It's not like she hates DND or anything because I've told on many occasions she doesn't have to play if doesn't want to.
I think you're looking at the wrong problem, there's not a problem with her being immersed there's a problem with her being generally a problem player. The answer, as with almost any problem at the table, is communication. Ask her why she's apparently not enjoying herself and see what she says. It's perfectly possible that she is just looking for a different type of D&D then you play, some people want hardcore dungeon crawls that are more like a game of chess then a role play experience and others want Critical Role levels of role playing and character development. I love my best friend but we'd never work in the same D&D game for exactly this reason, we just want different things from the game and wouldn't enjoy what the other does. That's not a problem, that's just the nature of the game.
You also seem to have a major problem with her not respecting you as a DM. For instance the accusations of cheating and "being a rules lawyer" are just under cutting your authority at the table. You can't be a rules lawyer because you are literally the arbiter of the rules, it's your job as DM to know the rules and enforce them. A rules lawyer isn't a DM, it's a name given to a problem player who challenges every decision the DM makes. If you're applying the rules as written and applying them equally to everyone then you can neither be cheating nor rules lawyering, you're just being a DM.
I think ultimately you're going to have to boot her, regardless of how awkward that makes everything else. For whatever reason she's just not suited to the game you're playing, she doesn't seem to be enjoying herself and she'll very quickly stop everyone else enjoying it too. You've told her she doesn't need to play but she might feel obligated because you're both her friend and her sibling, or she might simply want to spend time with you in which case you might be able to arrange something like "if I play D&D on a Wednesday without you we can spend Thursday together"
That's a tough one. Obviously you need to have a one-on-one conversation with her, and it should include the information you've given here. Try to use "I" statements to lay out how you feel, eg:
"I feel like when we play D&D, you and I have a lot of conflicts over the rules, which makes it hard for me to focus."
"I want us to have fun playing this game together, but when you RP your character in these ways, I don't know how to respond to that."
"I feel like you accuse me of cheating a lot, and that hurts me. We're all in this together; why do you think I would cheat when I want you to win?"
And of course the classic:
"I'm worried that you're not having fun. What can I do to make sure we both have fun?"
Tell her what you told us. Be open, never accusatory. Listen to what she tells you and try to work together on a solution, even if that solution is her self-selecting out of the game.
I agree with the other suggestions, you need to have a one to one conversation with them out of the game.
If it was just a player, a friend or an acquaintance, then it might be easier to figure out. However, with a sibling it is much harder. Siblings have been around for most of your lives, you do things all the time with family or out of game, there is generally a different attitude between siblings even if they are also best friends.
So, you need to sit down with the sibling and ask them how they are doing. Ask them what they like and don't like about D&D. Do they feel they need to play to remain socially involved (eg Fear of missing out if they don't play?) or do they like the game itself or the other players?
You might also need to explain how the DM job works. The DM creates the world that the characters adventure in. The DM knows the various plots that might be happening, the NPCs - where they are, what they might be doing, any events both related and unrelated to the goals of the party. The DM then adjudicates (in a fair and unbiased way) the interactions between what the characters/players say they want to do and the game world. Those interaction with the game world are controlled by rules that the DM doesn't make up on the spur of the moment - those rules generally remain the same unless magic or something else changes them. This means that when a DM says how something turns out it isn't them just making it up to irritate a character, they are really just resolving the interaction according to the way the game world works.
The rules aren't made to be prejudicial against a character, they are made to keep the world fair for everyone. So, when you say how things go you aren't being a "rules lawyer", you're just doing your job and the game would not be as fun if you didn't do that properly.
In terms of accusations of "cheating", a DM can't cheat. Some DMs "fudge" die rolls either to help or hinder the party at times. It is a good idea to not do this since if the players realize you are "fudging" die roll results then they begin to doubt the impartiality of the DM. One way to avoid all of this is to roll most of your dice in the open where everyone can see. So when that monster misses, hits or crits, the players have no doubt about the fairness. I know folks who even run the game without a DM screen ... however, there are usually some pieces of information that you don't want the players to see too soon so a DM screen is a good way to keep these available but hidden. However, there is usually no really good reason to not share the die rolls.
Finally, creating homemade tiles and minis won't keep a person interested and invested in a game. They will be attracted by the characters and story or not. However, if they would like something then getting a mini for their specific character can be an easy way to possibly get them a bit more invested if they are the sort of person who'd relate to that.
P.S. Anyway, this isn't something that can be resolved in the game, you'll have to have a chat with the person outside the game, find out what is bothering them or driving the behavior and see if there is anything you can do together to change it.
How old are you and your sister?
You're not going to impress her with dungeon tiles and minis. Ask her if she actually wants to play D&D or if she just wants to mess with you and screw up your fun.
I'm 14 and she is 19
Okay, so you're dealing with very powerful sibling dynamics here. It's going to be very hard to impress her no matter what you do. If she shows up for the game then that means she wants to play, but probably it's not her ideal game. Maybe see if you can give her a role to play in the game where she has a little more control. I know it sound like she would be getting special treatment, but sometimes players can respond to individual attention and make the game funner for everyone. Maybe try to think of someone who would be a funny NPC to run into and have them interact with her. Or throw a couple of different plot hooks that might interest her, like a magical item that her character could use and tell the party where to find it. Is there anything like that? What kind of character does she run? Does she express interest in certain parts of the game? Does she want to role play more or mess with NPCs? (I have a woman like that at my table)
Bickering at the table is a part of D&D up to a certain point. Handling that is your job. But it's also your job to give your players what they want (rather than what you want to happen).
Try a bit of social ostracisation. When she starts acting up, ignore it and act as though it doesn’t bother you. Don’t let her know that she is getting under your skin, because if you do then you have lost. If the behavior persists, then turn to other players and say things like “sheesh I’m glad some people aren’t interrupting”, things of that nature. Crack jokes at her expense rather than get flustered or upset at her, like when she calls you a rules lawyer say something like: “Hey, lawyers are really smart you should listen to them.”
Ummm no :)
None of these are good ways to approach the problem, except trying to not let the behaviour bother you. The tactics suggested wouldn't work with friends (if you want to keep them as friends) and they certainly won't work for siblings where you frequently see and interact with them everyday outside of a game context.
I'd still suggest talking to them privately out of the game to see what is bugging them. Find out if they really want to play or are just their to be supportive of their younger sibling or for some other reason. 19 is getting close to adulting so such a chat should be possible though sibling history might be a factor. Try explaining what it looks like through your eyes in a non-confrontational non-blaming sort of way since they may not be aware of how their behaviour might be seen by others.
Anyway, I don't suggest actions that would/could escalate the confrontation since I don't think that is what you want to do ...
Yeah I don't want to call anyone out, but there's definitely one or two pieces of very bad advice in this thread. As the DM, you have two core responsibilities: model the world outside the PCs, and adjudicate the rules in unclear situations. That's it. Some DMs let this absolutely miniscule amount of power go to their heads, and become little tyrants of the table. Don't be That Guy. Always try to solve interpersonal problems at your table in a direct, mutually agreeable way.
Hmmmmm.... No. This is not great advice. There is way better ways to approach this. Being passive aggressive as a DM can cause a toxic environment for everyone. Kinda fighting fire with fire.
Hand her the books and tell her she is now the DM and move into a player's seat.
Rule Zero: Make the game your own
Online Resources This is a small list of things that can be helpful to a DM be they new or experienced Covering everything from cartography, campaign management and virtual Tabletop environments.