Hi, so I have struggled to play D&D until about a year ago when I was diagnosed with ADHD. I started doing things like sudoku and using fidgets to help my focus [this has proved a strong solution]. However, I started a new group about a month ago and talked to my dungeon master about using these tools. He originally told me it was fine, skeptically. However, after a few sessions, he started telling me to put my sudoku or small fidget away. I had reminded him privately of my condition, and he brushed it off. He's my good friend, and I fear leaving the group may complicate our relationship. Any suggestions?
I will preface with that I am not ADHD myself or any form of diagnosed ND. I have players who are and concentration lapses are definitely a thing we have to roll and work with.
I can see how sudoku mid-game might feel a little counterintuitive or disrespectful to the DM, as even if it helps focus your energies, it also appears to splits attention from the game. You may be less likely to catch details if not focused on the game itself. For my younger D&D player with ADHD, we try to make sure the things she has on the table in front of her are directly related to the game- drawing characters or things that are happening, an inventory with physical items to Tetris into a back, so on. We check up on her occasionally to make sure she's caught something and what she thinks about the current situation- and if we need to recap anything.
For my older player with ADHD we trust them to manage themselves, and it's also online, which has it's pros and cons. They might be taking notes, sorting out loot, but occasionally they will just zone out or get distracted with something else on their screen. We're aware of this and try and recap something if needed and similarily check in on them to see how they're doing. Ensuring their character has reason to be involved in the scene or has something else to interact with (text RP with another PC who isn't the one engaging with the NPCs so on).
We find music helps a lot. Visual aids as much as possible (Theatre of the Mind seems near impossible for the older player due to having to focus on remembering all the details, where as an image on screen quickly cues them into changes and is a visible reminder of information).
Perhaps you could talk about some of these other methods as well?
Or, if you find that doing sudoku really doesn't distract you at all, try and get them to trust you on this- perhaps by saying you're happy if they want to ask if you know what's happening in a scene so you can go 'Yep, it's X, Y and Z. Don't worry, I am paying attention, even if I'm looking at this.'
D&D even for Neurotypical folk can have moments that drag and can easily let minds drift or get distracted as they 'wait for their turn'. Finding ways to avoid those lulls or deal with them helps the whole group.
Edit:
Oh, coming back to this as I think on it.
I think one of the important ideas to try and convey and make clear that this is not an issue of 'disrespect'. I know I said earlier that it could feel like that, but the key word is 'feel' there.
I also imagine it feels a little hurtful that your DM doesn't seem to trust you or thinks that you may be 'disrespecting' him. He in turn might be a little hurt that you 'don't seem to be paying attention'. Both of you might be feeling hurt over this misunderstanding.
I will say in all truthfulness that yes, sometimes in my games with the above players it can be a little frustrating to have to repeat things a few times. However I don't feel insulted or hurt because I know neither player is being 'disrespectful' of me. They do not mean to lose focus. They do not think of my games as 'boring'. It's just that their attention and mental energies are focused differently. They get frustrated by this too at times! So tips and tricks aside, one of the most important things here are to make sure that misunderstanding is cleared up- and that hopefully he'll understand better in time, and will feel less hurt once he knows it's not a matter of respect or judgement on his DMing.
I don't have solutions, but let me shine a light on his point of view.
1. By fidgeting, it can feel like to him that you're not paying attention. In my experience, even people would say that it helps them focus... aren't focusing enough to keep up. Maybe they'd be even worse without it...but for someone who doesn't have the condition, it can be frustrating when they don't "get it". Especially if it's distracting other players.
2. Even if it's not frustrating, it can be very distracting for the DM. It can be very hard to focus when someone's looking at something I know isn't the game, or openly playing with a game.
I don't think they're necessarily a "problem DM", just someone that's having issues and is struggling to communicate clearly.
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If you're not willing or able to to discuss in good faith, then don't be surprised if I don't respond, there are better things in life for me to do than humour you. This signature is that response.
Do a side by side comparison. Fidget+sudoku but calm and attentive vs no-fidget+no-sudoku and whatever that brings.
Maybe he's right? Maybe he'll learn a valuable life lesson? =)
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Blanket disclaimer: I only ever state opinion. But I can sound terribly dogmatic - so if you feel I'm trying to tell you what to think, I'm really not, I swear. I'm telling you what I think, that's all.
I do not have ADHD, nor am I a mental health professional. That said, my professional work significantly intersects with the mental health field, so I try and keep up with the current trends and understandings of the field. Hopefully some of the below might help you deal with your DM.
For fidget devices, the data shows they can be an effective tool at mitigating ADHD. For the tools to be effective while performing other tasks, like playing D&D, they should be small a provide a physical outlet, without being too mentally stimulating. The goal with these devices is to provide an outlet hyperactive element of ADHD and the compulsion to engage in physical movement. Why does this work? By providing an outlet for the physical, the individual does not feel compelled to engage in far more disruptive behaviors. It also frees up the individual’s mind to focus less on “must not move, must focus, must not move, must focus” and more on the actual task at hand.
To the outside observer, however, they look like toys you are playing with - which makes it look like you are playing with the toy rather than paying attention. They also might be distracting to other individuals, particularly if they involve a significant amount of movement or have auditory components. In such a case, they might help one individual focus, but come at a net cost where the rest of the table is more distracted.
To address this with your DM, you should be sure to not only say “this will help me” but explain the why of how it would help. Explaining that it is about more than just fidgeting - that there are tangible reasons, outlined above, as to why this can improve focus.
You should not be doing sudoku during D&D. While games like sudoku can help alleviate hyperactivity, they do so via a very, very different mechanism that is counterproductive to D&D. Sudoku type games reduce hyperactivity by promoting hyper focus - they provide a task that is mentally stimulating enough, while also being somewhat routine and mechanical, such that going though the motions stimulates the brain sufficiently to hyper focus on that task, drowning out other distractions. This makes sudoku very good when you have to sit still when not engaging in other activities, but very bad when you have to simultaneously focus on another task.
That is exactly what you do not want in D&D - D&D becomes one of those other distractions that starts to get excluded in your hyper focused state. So, while you may not be feeling antsy or physically wanting to move, or seek other distractions, or otherwise engage in the behaviors ADHD might lead to, that comes at a cost of focusing more on the sudoku and not what is going on in your D&D game. It is fairly understandable that your DM might be frustrated with the application of this ADHD coping mechanism, since it both looks like you are not paying attention and very likely did hurt your focus on D&D.
Are you always ready for your turn? If not, the DM may feel these items are not a net positive to the table. If you feel you are ready but it's just that things are changing so you need to think, you might try saying back what the situation is to show you were listening as you figure out what to do on your turn.
Is initiative order clear to all players at all times, both who is acting and who is next? If there's not a running order visually available, that can help, so that you are very focused on the game right before your turn. It may be helpful for him to get in the habit of "Player X, you're on deck" for all his players, in addition. Even neurotypicals seem to benefit from both those practices.
Are your activities distracting to other players?
Do they promote bad behavior by other players? IE, if you are doing Sudoku on a phone, does this inadvertently make other players feel like they can fiddle with their phone?
I might suggest that if you can make it a paper and pencil activity, or find a fidget that feels more DnD oriented, that might be a solution that works better if the issue is how you are perceived by the table.
In terms of your relationship, you might just say, "I'm so sorry this isn't working for you. I enjoy your table and [something like, I really enjoyed that last combat and I especially loved some very sharp detail ]. I'd like to keep playing with you but as your friend I certainly don't want to be your problem player. It felt to me like this was helping - can you help me understand how it feels from your point of view?"
and go from there, a position of curiosity as you seek to understand the impact he's feeling. If the friendship is more important than the game, make that clear, and be willing to let the game go. Remind about the other things you do together and reinforce those, if it looks like the game is no longer right for you both. And good luck.
If he's a good friend, he shouldn't be mad or upset with you leaving if it isn't working for you. Not every group will work for every player. The key thing is, as others have mentioned, communication. Make sure that both sides recognize and understand the other's issues and concerns, if you can't find a solution that works for everyone this might not be the right group for you.
While I don't know if this will help... a traditional thing to fidget with for a tabletop game, which makes it clear that you aren't just doing something totally unrelated to the game, is dice.
I think we should not forget, that an accommodation was agreed on then revoked. Unless he gave you a good reason for this, then it comes off as capricious.
You should talk to him and point this out, and then discuss accommodations that he would find acceptable and get it in writing, either on paper or through text messages. If he continues to agree to then revoke your accommodations, then he is indeed not the right DM for you.
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He/Him. Loooooooooong time Player. The Dark days of the THAC0 system are behind us.
"Hope is a fire that burns in us all If only an ember, awaiting your call To rise up in triumph should we all unite The spark for change is yours to ignite." Kalandra - The State of the World
This is great, and allowed me to reflect. I find that I usually am prepared, other than about 10% of the time--though this rarely has to with my stims. I am preparing to talk to my DM. Thank you.
Hi, so I have struggled to play D&D until about a year ago when I was diagnosed with ADHD. I started doing things like sudoku and using fidgets to help my focus [this has proved a strong solution]. However, I started a new group about a month ago and talked to my dungeon master about using these tools. He originally told me it was fine, skeptically. However, after a few sessions, he started telling me to put my sudoku or small fidget away. I had reminded him privately of my condition, and he brushed it off. He's my good friend, and I fear leaving the group may complicate our relationship. Any suggestions?
I DM for a table of Neurospicy people, I'm Diagnosed Autism, partner is ADHD with a bit of Autism, another player is autism with a side of constant hyperfocus, and the final player is a Human Wizard. No seriously he's so normal and average it's scary, he might be an alien he's so normal. Like if there was an Average white male from the Pacific North West stat that would be him.
I use arm presure tools to focus while DMing, usually a bandana on the left wrist. My Partner is usually doing 6 things at once so he can focus on the game, Hyperfocus is in character with voices, and Human Male is kind of just enjoying the experience.
basically it's not that your friend is a bad DM, I'm sure he is just fine as a DM, but he's not the right DM for you. You need to find Neurospicy people to play with, people who understand your difficulties and can play with them and not have issues with them.
This is tricky BTW, as it took us years to find this group, and we play through Discord, me and my partner in the UK, Hyperfocus is in Texas, and Human Male is in Oregon.
Trust me, Human Male is the one to wwatch out for, he's so subtle and sneaky.
Hi, so I have struggled to play D&D until about a year ago when I was diagnosed with ADHD. I started doing things like sudoku and using fidgets to help my focus [this has proved a strong solution]. However, I started a new group about a month ago and talked to my dungeon master about using these tools. He originally told me it was fine, skeptically. However, after a few sessions, he started telling me to put my sudoku or small fidget away. I had reminded him privately of my condition, and he brushed it off. He's my good friend, and I fear leaving the group may complicate our relationship. Any suggestions?
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ModeratorOoh, tough one.
I will preface with that I am not ADHD myself or any form of diagnosed ND. I have players who are and concentration lapses are definitely a thing we have to roll and work with.
I can see how sudoku mid-game might feel a little counterintuitive or disrespectful to the DM, as even if it helps focus your energies, it also appears to splits attention from the game. You may be less likely to catch details if not focused on the game itself. For my younger D&D player with ADHD, we try to make sure the things she has on the table in front of her are directly related to the game- drawing characters or things that are happening, an inventory with physical items to Tetris into a back, so on. We check up on her occasionally to make sure she's caught something and what she thinks about the current situation- and if we need to recap anything.
For my older player with ADHD we trust them to manage themselves, and it's also online, which has it's pros and cons. They might be taking notes, sorting out loot, but occasionally they will just zone out or get distracted with something else on their screen. We're aware of this and try and recap something if needed and similarily check in on them to see how they're doing. Ensuring their character has reason to be involved in the scene or has something else to interact with (text RP with another PC who isn't the one engaging with the NPCs so on).
We find music helps a lot. Visual aids as much as possible (Theatre of the Mind seems near impossible for the older player due to having to focus on remembering all the details, where as an image on screen quickly cues them into changes and is a visible reminder of information).
Perhaps you could talk about some of these other methods as well?
Or, if you find that doing sudoku really doesn't distract you at all, try and get them to trust you on this- perhaps by saying you're happy if they want to ask if you know what's happening in a scene so you can go 'Yep, it's X, Y and Z. Don't worry, I am paying attention, even if I'm looking at this.'
D&D even for Neurotypical folk can have moments that drag and can easily let minds drift or get distracted as they 'wait for their turn'. Finding ways to avoid those lulls or deal with them helps the whole group.
Edit:
Oh, coming back to this as I think on it.
I think one of the important ideas to try and convey and make clear that this is not an issue of 'disrespect'. I know I said earlier that it could feel like that, but the key word is 'feel' there.
I also imagine it feels a little hurtful that your DM doesn't seem to trust you or thinks that you may be 'disrespecting' him. He in turn might be a little hurt that you 'don't seem to be paying attention'. Both of you might be feeling hurt over this misunderstanding.
I will say in all truthfulness that yes, sometimes in my games with the above players it can be a little frustrating to have to repeat things a few times. However I don't feel insulted or hurt because I know neither player is being 'disrespectful' of me. They do not mean to lose focus. They do not think of my games as 'boring'. It's just that their attention and mental energies are focused differently. They get frustrated by this too at times! So tips and tricks aside, one of the most important things here are to make sure that misunderstanding is cleared up- and that hopefully he'll understand better in time, and will feel less hurt once he knows it's not a matter of respect or judgement on his DMing.
D&D Beyond ToS || D&D Beyond Support
I don't have solutions, but let me shine a light on his point of view.
1. By fidgeting, it can feel like to him that you're not paying attention. In my experience, even people would say that it helps them focus... aren't focusing enough to keep up. Maybe they'd be even worse without it...but for someone who doesn't have the condition, it can be frustrating when they don't "get it". Especially if it's distracting other players.
2. Even if it's not frustrating, it can be very distracting for the DM. It can be very hard to focus when someone's looking at something I know isn't the game, or openly playing with a game.
I don't think they're necessarily a "problem DM", just someone that's having issues and is struggling to communicate clearly.
If you're not willing or able to to discuss in good faith, then don't be surprised if I don't respond, there are better things in life for me to do than humour you. This signature is that response.
Do a side by side comparison. Fidget+sudoku but calm and attentive vs no-fidget+no-sudoku and whatever that brings.
Maybe he's right? Maybe he'll learn a valuable life lesson? =)
Blanket disclaimer: I only ever state opinion. But I can sound terribly dogmatic - so if you feel I'm trying to tell you what to think, I'm really not, I swear. I'm telling you what I think, that's all.
I do not have ADHD, nor am I a mental health professional. That said, my professional work significantly intersects with the mental health field, so I try and keep up with the current trends and understandings of the field. Hopefully some of the below might help you deal with your DM.
For fidget devices, the data shows they can be an effective tool at mitigating ADHD. For the tools to be effective while performing other tasks, like playing D&D, they should be small a provide a physical outlet, without being too mentally stimulating. The goal with these devices is to provide an outlet hyperactive element of ADHD and the compulsion to engage in physical movement. Why does this work? By providing an outlet for the physical, the individual does not feel compelled to engage in far more disruptive behaviors. It also frees up the individual’s mind to focus less on “must not move, must focus, must not move, must focus” and more on the actual task at hand.
To the outside observer, however, they look like toys you are playing with - which makes it look like you are playing with the toy rather than paying attention. They also might be distracting to other individuals, particularly if they involve a significant amount of movement or have auditory components. In such a case, they might help one individual focus, but come at a net cost where the rest of the table is more distracted.
To address this with your DM, you should be sure to not only say “this will help me” but explain the why of how it would help. Explaining that it is about more than just fidgeting - that there are tangible reasons, outlined above, as to why this can improve focus.
You should not be doing sudoku during D&D. While games like sudoku can help alleviate hyperactivity, they do so via a very, very different mechanism that is counterproductive to D&D. Sudoku type games reduce hyperactivity by promoting hyper focus - they provide a task that is mentally stimulating enough, while also being somewhat routine and mechanical, such that going though the motions stimulates the brain sufficiently to hyper focus on that task, drowning out other distractions. This makes sudoku very good when you have to sit still when not engaging in other activities, but very bad when you have to simultaneously focus on another task.
That is exactly what you do not want in D&D - D&D becomes one of those other distractions that starts to get excluded in your hyper focused state. So, while you may not be feeling antsy or physically wanting to move, or seek other distractions, or otherwise engage in the behaviors ADHD might lead to, that comes at a cost of focusing more on the sudoku and not what is going on in your D&D game. It is fairly understandable that your DM might be frustrated with the application of this ADHD coping mechanism, since it both looks like you are not paying attention and very likely did hurt your focus on D&D.
IMO as long as your participation (in combat, exploration and social) does not contribute to slowing down the game, it's not a problem; else, it is.
Started playing AD&D in the late 70s, took a 40 year hiatus, re-started with 3.5 and 5e in 2023
Some things to reflect on:
Are you always ready for your turn? If not, the DM may feel these items are not a net positive to the table. If you feel you are ready but it's just that things are changing so you need to think, you might try saying back what the situation is to show you were listening as you figure out what to do on your turn.
Is initiative order clear to all players at all times, both who is acting and who is next? If there's not a running order visually available, that can help, so that you are very focused on the game right before your turn. It may be helpful for him to get in the habit of "Player X, you're on deck" for all his players, in addition. Even neurotypicals seem to benefit from both those practices.
Are your activities distracting to other players?
Do they promote bad behavior by other players? IE, if you are doing Sudoku on a phone, does this inadvertently make other players feel like they can fiddle with their phone?
I might suggest that if you can make it a paper and pencil activity, or find a fidget that feels more DnD oriented, that might be a solution that works better if the issue is how you are perceived by the table.
In terms of your relationship, you might just say, "I'm so sorry this isn't working for you. I enjoy your table and [something like, I really enjoyed that last combat and I especially loved some very sharp detail ]. I'd like to keep playing with you but as your friend I certainly don't want to be your problem player. It felt to me like this was helping - can you help me understand how it feels from your point of view?"
and go from there, a position of curiosity as you seek to understand the impact he's feeling. If the friendship is more important than the game, make that clear, and be willing to let the game go. Remind about the other things you do together and reinforce those, if it looks like the game is no longer right for you both. And good luck.
If he's a good friend, he shouldn't be mad or upset with you leaving if it isn't working for you. Not every group will work for every player. The key thing is, as others have mentioned, communication. Make sure that both sides recognize and understand the other's issues and concerns, if you can't find a solution that works for everyone this might not be the right group for you.
Good luck!
While I don't know if this will help... a traditional thing to fidget with for a tabletop game, which makes it clear that you aren't just doing something totally unrelated to the game, is dice.
I definitely fidget dice! A collection of infinity D4s are my favorite fidget.
I think we should not forget, that an accommodation was agreed on then revoked. Unless he gave you a good reason for this, then it comes off as capricious.
You should talk to him and point this out, and then discuss accommodations that he would find acceptable and get it in writing, either on paper or through text messages. If he continues to agree to then revoke your accommodations, then he is indeed not the right DM for you.
He/Him. Loooooooooong time Player.
The Dark days of the THAC0 system are behind us.
"Hope is a fire that burns in us all If only an ember, awaiting your call
To rise up in triumph should we all unite
The spark for change is yours to ignite."
Kalandra - The State of the World
This is very insiteful. I think I am going try some differnt ways to help myself focus in within my game. Thank you for your time writing this!
You're right! I thin this post has shone light on my DM's point of view. I will talk to them and attempt to be much more communticsative
YES I LOVE THAT
This is great advice. I plan on trying some more fidgets I have not tried before!
This is great, and allowed me to reflect. I find that I usually am prepared, other than about 10% of the time--though this rarely has to with my stims. I am preparing to talk to my DM. Thank you.
I DM for a table of Neurospicy people, I'm Diagnosed Autism, partner is ADHD with a bit of Autism, another player is autism with a side of constant hyperfocus, and the final player is a Human Wizard. No seriously he's so normal and average it's scary, he might be an alien he's so normal. Like if there was an Average white male from the Pacific North West stat that would be him.
I use arm presure tools to focus while DMing, usually a bandana on the left wrist. My Partner is usually doing 6 things at once so he can focus on the game, Hyperfocus is in character with voices, and Human Male is kind of just enjoying the experience.
basically it's not that your friend is a bad DM, I'm sure he is just fine as a DM, but he's not the right DM for you. You need to find Neurospicy people to play with, people who understand your difficulties and can play with them and not have issues with them.
This is tricky BTW, as it took us years to find this group, and we play through Discord, me and my partner in the UK, Hyperfocus is in Texas, and Human Male is in Oregon.
Trust me, Human Male is the one to wwatch out for, he's so subtle and sneaky.