Hi, beyonders, 

I have a character description and backstory that I am struggling to simplify.  I am fairly decent at writing, but not so good at chopping down my work into simpler forms.  

Could you help me, by suggesting a simpler form of this description and backstory, please?

Appearance (Physical Description): 

Herbert is large, almost impossibly large for a medium creature, for despite being a half Orc, he would be enormous even for a Goliath.  Eight feet tall and three hundred and fifty pounds of solid bone and muscle that, with the slightest movement, rippled beneath his taught, weathered hide.  His hair, black as a devil's heart, is shaved around the sides and slicked across the crown of a mighty skull before being gathered together into a braided wolf's tail that flows his back.  He has two powerfully prominent tusks that he displays with pride, and deep-set emerald eyes, which stare unblinking, like daggers through your soul.

Backstory:

With his hammer, Nutcracker, and axe, Skullsplitter, dutifully by his side, Herbert strides with purpose towards the antecedent's office of the mercenary guild, his hand resting upon the hilt of Matilda - always at the ready.  The sword is named after his mother, a rare and formidable woman whose sheer size, strength and ferocity made her an outcast amongst her kind until a small band of roving Orcs attacked her village.  Matilda, clad in nought but a bakers apron and wielding a great iron paddle as a weapon, not only proved her worth that day, but she took one of the invaders as her mate, and eleven months later, howling like the North Wind, Herbert was born.

Growing up with a folk hero for a parent was not easy for Herbert, as he struggled to differentiate himself from his mother's shadow, to say nothing of expectations, the expectations of his parents, of the other people in his village - after all, this was the son of Matilda, the people's hero, baker of sweet buns and tamer of beasts, surely he would take after her, and when he didn't, when he made mistakes, or when he accidentally broke the other children's toys, or the children themselves, people would point to his Orcish nature and call him a monster.

He bore their insults with an indignant pride and sated his desires for revenge upon dreams of slaughter, in which he wore the skin of his tormentors like fine clothes and sat upon a high throne carved from a mountain of their bloodied bones.

Only the hand of Tyr would stay Herbert's wrath, saving his persecutors from the calling of Gruumsh that permeated those adolescent years.

By the age of eighteen, Herbert had grown tired of a life of discrimination at the hands of small-minded fools, and when his only friend, Martha, announced that she was leaving the village to enlist in the army, Herbert decided to join her.  It was there, amongst his brothers and sisters of the rank and file, that Herbert found his true calling and quickly became known as a fair and honourable fighter, always following the rules of engagement and treating his enemies with respect.

During his time in the army, Herbert discovered his faith in Tempus, the God of war, drawn to the deity's philosophy of honourable combat and the belief that victory was only truly earned through hard work and dedication.

After his tour of duty ended, Herbert decided to dedicate himself to the worship of Tempus and to continue living the life of discipline and honour, for which he had become known.

He became a wandering fighter and mercenary, travelling the land and seeking out battles that would test his skills and his faith.

It is one such test that brought him here today, but looking around the tiny closet that served as the antecedent's office, he was less than impressed.  Snorting his displeasure in the direction of some fresh-faced adventurers, Herbert shimmied his massive bulk towards the small mouse-like creature who sat behind a desk that took up almost the entire room and took a deep breath, before speaking in as quiet a voice as he could muster.

“I.. was.. summoned...”

Any help that you can give me all be much appreciated, you'd all be superstars.

Thanks 

XD

First off, seems to be a pretty decent backstory. The three main points im seeing are: his mother was a bit of a hero in the village (though sleeping with one of the invaders may lose her some points with some people), he joined the army and found it quite nice, after his tour he became a cleric? ( or paladin?) of tempus.

So: Herbert's mother was a hero to the village, after saving them from an orc attack. She later married(?) one of the orcs, making Herbert. Having been bullied at a young age, Herbert left to join the army at 18, where he discovered Tempus, the god of war. After his tour ended, Herbert became devoted to Tempus. 

Thats all you need. Most backstories dont need to be written like a novel, it just needs a couple of key points, and if the dm wants more then you can present them with a longer/more detailed description. 

Quote from BramblefootDruid >>

First off, seems to be a pretty decent backstory. The three main points im seeing are: his mother was a bit of a hero in the village (though sleeping with one of the invaders may lose her some points with some people), he joined the army and found it quite nice, after his tour he became a cleric? ( or paladin?) of tempus.

So: Herbert's mother was a hero to the village, after saving them from an orc attack. She later married(?) one of the orcs, making Herbert. Having been bullied at a young age, Herbert left to join the army at 18, where he discovered Tempus, the god of war. After his tour ended, Herbert became devoted to Tempus. 

 

Thats all you need. Most backstories dont need to be written like a novel, it just needs a couple of key points, and if the dm wants more then you can present them with a longer/more detailed description. 

 
That definitely seems better for telling the other players about my character.  Which is what I was struggling with, a way to simplify the backstory etc., so that other people don’t have to sit and listen to me essentially read the whole thing.  

I can introduce him, and then his full story can be slowly revealed through play.  

No problem man, glad i could be of assistance. 

Quote from MaryFlory >>

on the contrary, I really like the detailed description. But it would be very convenient to highlight the key points in chronological order. Thanks, I really liked the character.

Thanks for the kind words.  

Sorry for the late reply, but I have been super busy IRL.  You're welcome to use the description and backstory for your next character/NPC if you want.  

As well as getting help with the things I find hard, I always hope that my stupid stuff will inspire my fellow players or DMs to great something extraordinary and have fun too.  

Thanks again.  

FC