Hello, I am just joining Dungeons and Dragons for the first time and I would like other player opinions of one of my characters backstory.
His a Barbarian Mountain Dwarf named Bjorn Coalplain. (I haven't finished pointing in his stats yet because I don't know whether my DM want to use point buy or manual) He has a custom background: Great Village Chief of the People, You were the chief of a village, where under your rule, prospered from a few mud huts in the ground to an iron village. People respected you and you respected them. In your eyes every one was important and equal, so you help people with their daily needs in-between running a village. You where often mistaken for being one of the common folk by many adventures.
Bjorn's background is: (if you don't want to read the entire thing I add a little summary at the bottom) "My story begins in one of the Dwarven Strongholds built into a rocky out crop of a great mountain. Our clan, combined mostly of younger dwarfs, became unsatisfied with the living conditions forced upon us by the reigning chief of the hold. We had packed our bags and headed north, to find a new home deeper in the mountains. We traveled many nights as I led the group through the mountains, seeing as I had the most knowledge of navigation. we came across a flat plain in-between the jagged mountains where a river flowed through, it was perfect too perfect. We settled in, and many arguments arose as to who the chief will be. Many of the older dwarfs who traveled in the front of the pack as we travel, seeing my leadership ability's, though that I would fit the chief title, I saw this opportunity to assert my self and took the title. Many of the younger dwarfs, who where at the back of pack as we traveled, were against me in the beginning thinking that they should lead. They though I would treat them the same way as was in the hold, but after some quick duels and a few months time they too grow loyal to me. A chief I became and a Dwarven clan had been formed, the Coalplain's. We had lived there for 20 years and we had turned the place from a few mud huts to an iron village, I had even gotten married to a girl I fancied before we moved here. But this prosperity would not last, I awoke one night to battle cries and the sound of crackling wood. I ran out of house and couldn't believe my eyes, damned Duergar's, Orcs, and Goblins. I quickly picked up my axe to join my brothers and sister in the fight but it was no use, their were too many to cut down. I rallied the remaining people for a retreat to recover from this horror. As we retreated I had one last look at my burning home, I could make out 5 figures on looming over our burning village. The 5 figures I saw on the mountains, I could make out a mage flinging fire balls among them. He was wear a black clock whit a golden line in the middle, he was also holding a golden staff and a black book with a blood red orb in the middle. I burned his image into my head. After a safe distance from the attack I counted to see who managed to keep up with us, there were only 5 of us left. My wife not among them, I hoped she had escaped a different way but that was only a hopeless dream. After a day of rest, we headed back to the village to reclaim our home. only a few houses managed to stay upright, but their were no sign of life. Even on the way over here we faced not a goblin or orc, strange. I made way to where my house used to be, the horrors I saw there haunt me to this day. Charred black bones wear the golden neckless I had given to my wife, after this realization I could not hold in my sorrow. After a while, sadness turn into wrath for bastards that did this, as did the other survivors. We searched the area but their was nothing, it was odd to me. Orcs, a race that see Goblins as nothing more than fodder, fighting alongside Goblins. There must be something else going on, I knew standing on ashes would not give me the answers I seek. With that in mind the 5 of use spilt off to search for this mage, finding him will lead us to the other 4 and then we may understand what happened. I will find who ever stolen everything from me and make them pay for ever crossing the Coalplains. I first journeyed to The Forgotten Realms in search of answers and to become stronger, I heard about an ancient mine that may hold tools to help me in my quest."
Summary: (I suggest reading full backstory because it explains a lot more than this summary can) Bjorn was the chief of a village of young dwarves, Until an army of orcs, goblins, and duergars being lead by 5 figures that Bjorn saw looming over the his burning home. Only him and 5 other dwarfs survived and set our in search of a mage that Bjorn saw as one of the figures. Through finding this mage he may be able to find the other 4 and avenge his village.
Tell what you think and if you want to, go ahead and put in your backstories I can read for reference. Thank you for your time
I like it a lot, going from a prosperous chieftain to a despot and wrathful adventurer. If I had to add my two cents, I'd say instead of being made chieftain by drawing lots; you should rewrite it that you led this group of dwarves to want to strike out on your own. Leaders are typically assertive and bold, they take action. Rarely are good leaders discovered by luck.
I thought that as well, but a draw was the only thing I could thing of at the time. later after posting this I was thinking of changing it to "We settled in, and many arguments arose as to who the chief will be. I saw an opportunity to assert my self, and took the title. Many of the younger dwarfs were against me in the beginning thinking that they should lead. They though I would treat them the same way as was in the hold, but after some quick duels and a few mouths time they too grow loyal to me. A chief I became ........" But your way is good. I think I will make a combination of your way and what I thought, something like "We traveled many nights as I led the group through the mountains, seeing as I had the most knowledge of navigation. we came across a flat plain in-between the jagged mountains where a river flowed through, it was perfect too perfect. We settled in, and many arguments arose as to who the chief will be. Many of the older dwarfs who traveled in the front of the pack as we travel, seeing my leadership ability's, though that I would fit the chief title, I saw this opportunity to assert my self and took the title. Many of the younger dwarfs, who where at the back of pack as we traveled, were against me in the beginning thinking that they should lead. They though I would treat them the same way as was in the hold, but after some quick duels and a few mouths time they too grow loyal to me. A chief I became ........"
I love the sound of your character, do you know what subclass you are going for?
If you get an idea now, you can always weave it into your story. Perhaps as an Ancestral Guardian you can summon the spirit of a friend you had in the village that had died, for example.
one spelling edit: "A few months time" you have "mouths time". unless you mean "duels and talking to them", of course.
I did want to offer one more literary suggestion, but I didn't want to be overwhelming.
I feel it would be more of a dramatic impact if you notice the mage character *as* you are fleeing the village. Not as a "oh, i remember now!" kind of thing. Perhaps play with something like "As we flee the chaos that was once our home, I steal one last look at those who would burn it all down. Through the fire, I caught clear sight of one of the bastards on the hilltop, a Mage ... ect ect"
And when you do cave that ******** skull in, give him an extra hit for me! >:(
HaHa, I will and people's criticisms are always welcome. Let me finish the edits to make this backstory perfect, after I finish I will go and check out your thread that I just saw
Hello, I am just joining Dungeons and Dragons for the first time and I would like other player opinions of one of my characters backstory.
His a Barbarian Mountain Dwarf named Bjorn Coalplain. (I haven't finished pointing in his stats yet because I don't know whether my DM want to use point buy or manual) He has a custom background: Great Village Chief of the People, You were the chief of a village, where under your rule, prospered from a few mud huts in the ground to an iron village. People respected you and you respected them. In your eyes every one was important and equal, so you help people with their daily needs in-between running a village. You where often mistaken for being one of the common folk by many adventures.
Bjorn's background is: (if you don't want to read the entire thing I add a little summary at the bottom) "My story begins in one of the Dwarven Strongholds built into a rocky out crop of a great mountain. Our clan, combined mostly of younger dwarfs, became unsatisfied with the living conditions forced upon us by the reigning chief of the hold. We had packed our bags and headed north, to find a new home deeper in the mountains. We traveled many nights as I led the group through the mountains, seeing as I had the most knowledge of navigation. we came across a flat plain in-between the jagged mountains where a river flowed through, it was perfect too perfect. We settled in, and many arguments arose as to who the chief will be. Many of the older dwarfs who traveled in the front of the pack as we travel, seeing my leadership ability's, though that I would fit the chief title, I saw this opportunity to assert my self and took the title. Many of the younger dwarfs, who where at the back of pack as we traveled, were against me in the beginning thinking that they should lead. They though I would treat them the same way as was in the hold, but after some quick duels and a few months time they too grow loyal to me. A chief I became and a Dwarven clan had been formed, the Coalplain's. We had lived there for 20 years and we had turned the place from a few mud huts to an iron village, I had even gotten married to a girl I fancied before we moved here. But this prosperity would not last, I awoke one night to battle cries and the sound of crackling wood. I ran out of house and couldn't believe my eyes, damned Duergar's, Orcs, and Goblins. I quickly picked up my axe to join my brothers and sister in the fight but it was no use, their were too many to cut down. I rallied the remaining people for a retreat to recover from this horror. As we retreated I had one last look at my burning home, I could make out 5 figures on looming over our burning village. The 5 figures I saw on the mountains, I could make out a mage flinging fire balls among them. He was wear a black clock whit a golden line in the middle, he was also holding a golden staff and a black book with a blood red orb in the middle. I burned his image into my head. After a safe distance from the attack I counted to see who managed to keep up with us, there were only 5 of us left. My wife not among them, I hoped she had escaped a different way but that was only a hopeless dream. After a day of rest, we headed back to the village to reclaim our home. only a few houses managed to stay upright, but their were no sign of life. Even on the way over here we faced not a goblin or orc, strange. I made way to where my house used to be, the horrors I saw there haunt me to this day. Charred black bones wear the golden neckless I had given to my wife, after this realization I could not hold in my sorrow. After a while, sadness turn into wrath for bastards that did this, as did the other survivors. We searched the area but their was nothing, it was odd to me. Orcs, a race that see Goblins as nothing more than fodder, fighting alongside Goblins. There must be something else going on, I knew standing on ashes would not give me the answers I seek. With that in mind the 5 of use spilt off to search for this mage, finding him will lead us to the other 4 and then we may understand what happened. I will find who ever stolen everything from me and make them pay for ever crossing the Coalplains. I first journeyed to The Forgotten Realms in search of answers and to become stronger, I heard about an ancient mine that may hold tools to help me in my quest."
Summary: (I suggest reading full backstory because it explains a lot more than this summary can) Bjorn was the chief of a village of young dwarves, Until an army of orcs, goblins, and duergars being lead by 5 figures that Bjorn saw looming over the his burning home. Only him and 5 other dwarfs survived and set our in search of a mage that Bjorn saw as one of the figures. Through finding this mage he may be able to find the other 4 and avenge his village.
Tell what you think and if you want to, go ahead and put in your backstories I can read for reference. Thank you for your time
I like it a lot, going from a prosperous chieftain to a despot and wrathful adventurer. If I had to add my two cents, I'd say instead of being made chieftain by drawing lots; you should rewrite it that you led this group of dwarves to want to strike out on your own. Leaders are typically assertive and bold, they take action. Rarely are good leaders discovered by luck.
I thought that as well, but a draw was the only thing I could thing of at the time. later after posting this I was thinking of changing it to "We settled in, and many arguments arose as to who the chief will be. I saw an opportunity to assert my self, and took the title. Many of the younger dwarfs were against me in the beginning thinking that they should lead. They though I would treat them the same way as was in the hold, but after some quick duels and a few mouths time they too grow loyal to me. A chief I became ........" But your way is good. I think I will make a combination of your way and what I thought, something like "We traveled many nights as I led the group through the mountains, seeing as I had the most knowledge of navigation. we came across a flat plain in-between the jagged mountains where a river flowed through, it was perfect too perfect. We settled in, and many arguments arose as to who the chief will be. Many of the older dwarfs who traveled in the front of the pack as we travel, seeing my leadership ability's, though that I would fit the chief title, I saw this opportunity to assert my self and took the title. Many of the younger dwarfs, who where at the back of pack as we traveled, were against me in the beginning thinking that they should lead. They though I would treat them the same way as was in the hold, but after some quick duels and a few mouths time they too grow loyal to me. A chief I became ........"
What do you think?
sounds perfect!
I love the sound of your character, do you know what subclass you are going for?
If you get an idea now, you can always weave it into your story. Perhaps as an Ancestral Guardian you can summon the spirit of a friend you had in the village that had died, for example.
one spelling edit: "A few months time" you have "mouths time". unless you mean "duels and talking to them", of course.
I did want to offer one more literary suggestion, but I didn't want to be overwhelming.
I feel it would be more of a dramatic impact if you notice the mage character *as* you are fleeing the village. Not as a "oh, i remember now!" kind of thing. Perhaps play with something like "As we flee the chaos that was once our home, I steal one last look at those who would burn it all down. Through the fire, I caught clear sight of one of the bastards on the hilltop, a Mage ... ect ect"
And when you do cave that ******** skull in, give him an extra hit for me! >:(
HaHa, I will and people's criticisms are always welcome. Let me finish the edits to make this backstory perfect, after I finish I will go and check out your thread that I just saw
really nice back story!