It’s that most wonderful time of the year, when families are gather 'round particle board IKEA tables, straining desperately not to share how they actually feel, straining not to unleash the alchemical blast born of tryptophan and pumpkin spice clamoring in their bowels, and also straining to take a look at the new Rick and Morty VS. Dungeons and Dragons boxed set to release on November 19th.
One of the most thrilling aspects of the game is reading the “flavor text” in the voice of Rick Sanchez. However, this sets a certain expectation that you will continue the “voice,” to some degree, throughout the entire adventure. Sure this might sound easy. Perhaps you have seen so much civilizational rot and cosmic decay from your job at the local Chuck E. Cheese that you can easily harness the grim nihilism Rick has acquired from gleaning the multiverse.
But let’s face it, there’s one aspect of Rick’s speech that is nearly impossible to evoke, and that is his endless, machine-gun like barrage of belches. Not since being forced to name all the US state capitals in 5th grade has it felt so daunting to provide glorious variety to something so mundane. Remember when you started running out of steam, got stuck at 23 capitals, and made that Juno-no?
Plus, come on, who doesn’t want to roll a d100 to simulate a belch in real life? You don't need a book to want to do that.
So in the name of giving articulation to the gas bursting forth from your starchy innards, I present you with…
The Rick and Morty Massive Burp Table*
d100 |
The Sound |
1 |
“Heh-GLUGK!” |
2 |
“BreeeEEEUUuugh.” |
3 |
“Blulg.” |
4 |
“Excuse me I just… HYUGHGUCK.” |
5 |
“I just, one second I GLOOUGH.” |
6 |
“UH-BAAH! Whoa what was that? Anyway…” |
7 |
“Hug-geh!” |
8 |
“Eh-GUH!” |
9 |
“GYEECK-whoops.” |
10 |
“FLLLEOOOUCK.” |
11 |
“ERRAGGG.” |
12 |
“Uh-RRROAK.” |
13 |
“Wait just WEEEORK-ugh.” |
14 |
“Oh I GLEUUUGH.” |
15 |
“Hick-CHAAAUGH.” |
16 |
“Sorry I WOOOAGH sorry.” |
17 |
“BLEEEG.” |
18 |
“I can’t CROOOOWK.” |
19 |
“Her-AOOOKE.” |
20 |
“BYOOOUK.” |
21 |
“I just JYOO-ORK.” |
22 |
“GUH-RUKK.” |
23 |
“BREPP.” |
24 |
“GRUK GRUK GRUK.” |
25 |
“Oh waiEEEEEYUUUG.” |
26 |
“FROHPE!” |
27 |
“FUH-FLOOOKE.” |
28 |
“Well WYUUURG.” |
29 |
“FRRRRRUGCK. Um, I FRRRUGHMM, meh.” |
30 |
“Bruh-bruuuUUUUgh!” |
31 |
“GRUUUOAK!” |
32 |
“Let’s justRROOOAK.” |
33 |
“BRRRAYYYT.” |
34 |
“BOOO-RUGG.” |
35 |
“Let’s HROOUCK!” |
36 |
“UGH-GUG-GRUCK.” |
37 |
“I WOOORF, I… oh my.” |
38 |
“BAYROOOOK.” |
39 |
“I caAAAYUUUCK.” |
40 |
“Wait WAOOOORF.” |
41 |
“Hnngnngh-GLORRG!” |
42 |
“Hold OOOONNNOOOARK.” |
43 |
“Buh-buh-bYOOAAWN.” |
44 |
“Uh-guh-GREK oh no.” |
45 |
“WHEE-YAAAAHP.” |
46 |
“Ahem. So shOOORP whoa uh, ok.” |
47 |
“BLORF.” |
48 |
“FEGH.” |
49 |
“HYOOOAUUGH.” |
50 |
“BROOORMP.” |
51 |
“FLEEERAAUUUGH.” |
52 |
“FleaBOARG.” |
53 |
“TerMEROROR.” |
54 |
“Oh OOOARGERG.” |
55 |
“BLOARK.” |
56 |
“KR-OOONK.” |
57 |
“GRAAAAYNG.” |
58 |
“HYUKUH-uh, oh god.” |
59 |
“HRRRNG oh.” |
60 |
“UCK.” |
61 |
“RAAAYMS.” |
62 |
“GERUGGGH.” |
63 |
“CORM.” |
64 |
“FLEXGHM. Ahem.” |
65 |
“FWOP. Whoa.” |
66 |
“REEAAYROM.” |
67 |
“Ugh. GLAAAUGGH.” |
68 |
*lips closed, jaw wide* “OOOROOO.” |
69 |
*smack lips* “Hrm-ORRRRM, welp yes.” |
70 |
“FWEP.” |
71 |
“TORQUE.” |
72 |
“I-IPEROUSE oh ohs.” |
73 |
“ERRRITE! OH!” |
74 |
“GROMM!” |
75 |
“CROOOOAD.” |
76 |
“FW-AHM.” |
77 |
“BROOO-EEP.” |
78 |
“KWAKOL.” |
79 |
“MELK. Oh that wasn’t, oh.” |
80 |
“CLOP!” |
81 |
“MAYP.” |
82 |
“GWOPUP.” |
83 |
“Hrm. HMOP oh, shoot.” |
84 |
“CAAAYPE.” |
85 |
“Ehck.” |
86 |
“FuuccgggECH-UGH.” |
87 |
“CROOT.” |
88 |
“BOMP.” |
89 |
“PLORRP.” |
90 |
“FUUUUG!” |
91 |
“TWEP!” |
92 |
“FLECCCH!” |
93 |
“OoohKWOMP oh.” |
94 |
“Beck. What?” |
95 |
“POOORK.” |
96 |
“BOMPUCK.” |
97 |
*in the quietest of whispers* “blfff.” |
98 |
“FLAAANGK.” |
99 |
“CLEEEAAAGH.” |
100 |
“Woof, excus-MEUUGHUGH!” |
*Warning: D&D Beyond takes no responsibility for anything ejected from an orifice, deliberate or unintentional, during the execution of this piece. Dungeon Masters may want to consider installing a splash guard** to their Rick and Morty Dungeon Master screen.
**Dungeon Master screen splash guard not included.
Dan Telfer is the Dungeons Humorist aka Comedy Archmage for D&D Beyond (a fun way they are letting him say "writer"), dungeon master for the Nerd Poker podcast, a stand-up comedian, a TV writer who also helped win some Emmys over at Comedy Central, and a former editor of MAD Magazine and The Onion. He can be found riding his bike around Los Angeles from gig to gig to gaming store, though the best way to find out what he's up to is to follow him on Twitter via @dantelfer.
This was a fun article! I didn’t really care much about the content but I kept reading because I was enjoying myself!
It isn't wasted for people who don't mind homebrew. Also, content comes out as such blazing fast speeds these days. Before 3.0, when no one had internet, you got the source books and that was that. It's amazing we get so much material now every year, it NEVER used to be like this!
I went on quite a rant about this very subject in the last Rick & Morty article. I feel like Dan's talent, as well as WotC's money, is being wasted here. Besides, when was the last time Greyhawk or Athas got some development? People are getting sick of Forgotten Realms, god dangit!
Person: Hi Dan, What do you do for a living?
Dan: I make articles on dnd beyond.
Person: Oh, like what?
Dan: I make Massive Burp Tables for Dnd Rick and Morty Edition.
Person: You what?
Dan: Did I stutter?
good lord the madlads made a percentile table full of belches for the sole purpose of making the DM into Rick Sanchez.
For the record, this article was my idea and I enjoyed executing it. It is deliberately silly and a lot of stupidity and that is meant to be part of the fun. If it is oppressive to think about, well, sometimes the omniverse just feels heavy, man.
How drunk were you when writing both these articles and that comment, Dan?
I think that Dan has the mindset that DnD is more fun when you can find things to laugh at and not take so seriously, that way people remember that in the end, it is just a game that your meant to have fun playing, some people just enjoy games differently.
I am glad Dan does articles like this, cause it shows that the DnD team can still laugh at itself and the game.
This entire addition to the game is such a waste of time and resources.
"Okay Boomer". But on a more serious note, this isn't usable in any form or way at an actual gaming table. It's an April Fool's joke mixed with advertising for a boxed set that is one big joke on itself. The comics were a cute reference collection, but this is an inside joke that ran its course. Dungeons & Dragons can be goofy fun, we get it. But there's a reason people get taught (or should be taught) there's a difference between 'at the gaming table' talk and 'anywhere else' talk.
Fun fact is, Rick's VA actually mentioned how horrible the constant burping is for your health. So either you commit to the part and harm yourself, or you fake it and sound cringe-inducing.
Okay, this will be perfect for my drunk tiefling rogue
I personally have never used it before it my years as a DM.
I personally have never used it before it my years as a DM.
what
Cou*burps*nt me i*burps*n
I could swear that Rick is a rival to Mordenkainen, who can't get over the fact that rick can call him "Mordy"
Wow just wow I cant wait for a rulebook
How dare
This article could also be titled how to name something, infernal, abyssal, goblinic or a kuo-toa