It’s that most wonderful time of the year, when families are gather 'round particle board IKEA tables, straining desperately not to share how they actually feel, straining not to unleash the alchemical blast born of tryptophan and pumpkin spice clamoring in their bowels, and also straining to take a look at the new Rick and Morty VS. Dungeons and Dragons boxed set to release on November 19th.
One of the most thrilling aspects of the game is reading the “flavor text” in the voice of Rick Sanchez. However, this sets a certain expectation that you will continue the “voice,” to some degree, throughout the entire adventure. Sure this might sound easy. Perhaps you have seen so much civilizational rot and cosmic decay from your job at the local Chuck E. Cheese that you can easily harness the grim nihilism Rick has acquired from gleaning the multiverse.
But let’s face it, there’s one aspect of Rick’s speech that is nearly impossible to evoke, and that is his endless, machine-gun like barrage of belches. Not since being forced to name all the US state capitals in 5th grade has it felt so daunting to provide glorious variety to something so mundane. Remember when you started running out of steam, got stuck at 23 capitals, and made that Juno-no?
Plus, come on, who doesn’t want to roll a d100 to simulate a belch in real life? You don't need a book to want to do that.
So in the name of giving articulation to the gas bursting forth from your starchy innards, I present you with…
The Rick and Morty Massive Burp Table*
d100 |
The Sound |
1 |
“Heh-GLUGK!” |
2 |
“BreeeEEEUUuugh.” |
3 |
“Blulg.” |
4 |
“Excuse me I just… HYUGHGUCK.” |
5 |
“I just, one second I GLOOUGH.” |
6 |
“UH-BAAH! Whoa what was that? Anyway…” |
7 |
“Hug-geh!” |
8 |
“Eh-GUH!” |
9 |
“GYEECK-whoops.” |
10 |
“FLLLEOOOUCK.” |
11 |
“ERRAGGG.” |
12 |
“Uh-RRROAK.” |
13 |
“Wait just WEEEORK-ugh.” |
14 |
“Oh I GLEUUUGH.” |
15 |
“Hick-CHAAAUGH.” |
16 |
“Sorry I WOOOAGH sorry.” |
17 |
“BLEEEG.” |
18 |
“I can’t CROOOOWK.” |
19 |
“Her-AOOOKE.” |
20 |
“BYOOOUK.” |
21 |
“I just JYOO-ORK.” |
22 |
“GUH-RUKK.” |
23 |
“BREPP.” |
24 |
“GRUK GRUK GRUK.” |
25 |
“Oh waiEEEEEYUUUG.” |
26 |
“FROHPE!” |
27 |
“FUH-FLOOOKE.” |
28 |
“Well WYUUURG.” |
29 |
“FRRRRRUGCK. Um, I FRRRUGHMM, meh.” |
30 |
“Bruh-bruuuUUUUgh!” |
31 |
“GRUUUOAK!” |
32 |
“Let’s justRROOOAK.” |
33 |
“BRRRAYYYT.” |
34 |
“BOOO-RUGG.” |
35 |
“Let’s HROOUCK!” |
36 |
“UGH-GUG-GRUCK.” |
37 |
“I WOOORF, I… oh my.” |
38 |
“BAYROOOOK.” |
39 |
“I caAAAYUUUCK.” |
40 |
“Wait WAOOOORF.” |
41 |
“Hnngnngh-GLORRG!” |
42 |
“Hold OOOONNNOOOARK.” |
43 |
“Buh-buh-bYOOAAWN.” |
44 |
“Uh-guh-GREK oh no.” |
45 |
“WHEE-YAAAAHP.” |
46 |
“Ahem. So shOOORP whoa uh, ok.” |
47 |
“BLORF.” |
48 |
“FEGH.” |
49 |
“HYOOOAUUGH.” |
50 |
“BROOORMP.” |
51 |
“FLEEERAAUUUGH.” |
52 |
“FleaBOARG.” |
53 |
“TerMEROROR.” |
54 |
“Oh OOOARGERG.” |
55 |
“BLOARK.” |
56 |
“KR-OOONK.” |
57 |
“GRAAAAYNG.” |
58 |
“HYUKUH-uh, oh god.” |
59 |
“HRRRNG oh.” |
60 |
“UCK.” |
61 |
“RAAAYMS.” |
62 |
“GERUGGGH.” |
63 |
“CORM.” |
64 |
“FLEXGHM. Ahem.” |
65 |
“FWOP. Whoa.” |
66 |
“REEAAYROM.” |
67 |
“Ugh. GLAAAUGGH.” |
68 |
*lips closed, jaw wide* “OOOROOO.” |
69 |
*smack lips* “Hrm-ORRRRM, welp yes.” |
70 |
“FWEP.” |
71 |
“TORQUE.” |
72 |
“I-IPEROUSE oh ohs.” |
73 |
“ERRRITE! OH!” |
74 |
“GROMM!” |
75 |
“CROOOOAD.” |
76 |
“FW-AHM.” |
77 |
“BROOO-EEP.” |
78 |
“KWAKOL.” |
79 |
“MELK. Oh that wasn’t, oh.” |
80 |
“CLOP!” |
81 |
“MAYP.” |
82 |
“GWOPUP.” |
83 |
“Hrm. HMOP oh, shoot.” |
84 |
“CAAAYPE.” |
85 |
“Ehck.” |
86 |
“FuuccgggECH-UGH.” |
87 |
“CROOT.” |
88 |
“BOMP.” |
89 |
“PLORRP.” |
90 |
“FUUUUG!” |
91 |
“TWEP!” |
92 |
“FLECCCH!” |
93 |
“OoohKWOMP oh.” |
94 |
“Beck. What?” |
95 |
“POOORK.” |
96 |
“BOMPUCK.” |
97 |
*in the quietest of whispers* “blfff.” |
98 |
“FLAAANGK.” |
99 |
“CLEEEAAAGH.” |
100 |
“Woof, excus-MEUUGHUGH!” |
*Warning: D&D Beyond takes no responsibility for anything ejected from an orifice, deliberate or unintentional, during the execution of this piece. Dungeon Masters may want to consider installing a splash guard** to their Rick and Morty Dungeon Master screen.
**Dungeon Master screen splash guard not included.
Dan Telfer is the Dungeons Humorist aka Comedy Archmage for D&D Beyond (a fun way they are letting him say "writer"), dungeon master for the Nerd Poker podcast, a stand-up comedian, a TV writer who also helped win some Emmys over at Comedy Central, and a former editor of MAD Magazine and The Onion. He can be found riding his bike around Los Angeles from gig to gig to gaming store, though the best way to find out what he's up to is to follow him on Twitter via @dantelfer.
Ah, the all time classic ,"BLORF", reminds me of the good old days.
I'm increasingly beginning to question if we really need Rick and Morty content.
I am glad you appealed to classic burps and new age styles so flawlessly.
Perhaps, in the future, a pitch scale for when Morty's voice cracks, breaking down the subtleties of how he feels and the pitch of his voice cracks, so that DMs can get it right.
Genius!
Pure, pure, Rick Sanchez level genius!
I agree with vonMax. This whole table is just so amazingly "eh"
Rick and Morty season 4 b******s!!!!
I disagree. It's more "eeeEEUUGGH."
I would have said eeeEEUUGCHH. It's more accurate.
The "C" adds just the perfect amount of phlegm.
Ran out of gas in the mid 70's but finished strong.
Also note Rick does it less and less as the series goes on, because it wasn't sustainable for Justin. Just like he couldn't shriek like Lemongrab all the time and toned him down too.
Of course we need Rick and Morty content!
I agree. This article was a waste of valuable space as far as I am concerned. Along with the Rick and Morty 5E book that we got instead of almost anything else.
The most important table ever.
This is gross, disturbing, and highly unnecessary.
I love it.
...and that's why you get the big bucks...:)
Poopy your butt
Dnd beyond content took a weird turn with the build up to the rick and morty release. And I love it.
I love the attention D&D got from the whole modern cartoon scene as well, but right now I'm asking myself if anyone ever needed an entire article dedicated to a single cartoon-related joke.
What I've noticed from 5th edition is that it has a high "YOU do it" factor, without really offering the proper tools for making your own things. It feels lazy, uninspired and burnt out, much like Rick Sanchez and Jerry.