Rick and Morty: Massive Burp Table

It’s that most wonderful time of the year, when families are gather 'round particle board IKEA tables, straining desperately not to share how they actually feel, straining not to unleash the alchemical blast born of tryptophan and pumpkin spice clamoring in their bowels, and also straining to take a look at the new Rick and Morty VS. Dungeons and Dragons boxed set to release on November 19th.

One of the most thrilling aspects of the game is reading the “flavor text” in the voice of Rick Sanchez. However, this sets a certain expectation that you will continue the “voice,” to some degree, throughout the entire adventure. Sure this might sound easy. Perhaps you have seen so much civilizational rot and cosmic decay from your job at the local Chuck E. Cheese that you can easily harness the grim nihilism Rick has acquired from gleaning the multiverse.

But let’s face it, there’s one aspect of Rick’s speech that is nearly impossible to evoke, and that is his endless, machine-gun like barrage of belches. Not since being forced to name all the US state capitals in 5th grade has it felt so daunting to provide glorious variety to something so mundane. Remember when you started running out of steam, got stuck at 23 capitals, and made that Juno-no? 

Plus, come on, who doesn’t want to roll a d100 to simulate a belch in real life? You don't need a book to want to do that.

So in the name of giving articulation to the gas bursting forth from your starchy innards, I present you with…

The Rick and Morty Massive Burp Table*

d100

The Sound

1

“Heh-GLUGK!”

2

“BreeeEEEUUuugh.”

3

“Blulg.”

4

“Excuse me I just… HYUGHGUCK.” 

5

“I just, one second I GLOOUGH.”

6

“UH-BAAH! Whoa what was that? Anyway…”

7

“Hug-geh!”

8

“Eh-GUH!”

9

“GYEECK-whoops.”

10

“FLLLEOOOUCK.”

11

“ERRAGGG.”

12

“Uh-RRROAK.”

13

“Wait just WEEEORK-ugh.”

14

“Oh I GLEUUUGH.”

15

“Hick-CHAAAUGH.”

16

“Sorry I WOOOAGH sorry.”

17

“BLEEEG.”

18

“I can’t CROOOOWK.”

19

“Her-AOOOKE.”

20

“BYOOOUK.”

21

“I just JYOO-ORK.”

22

“GUH-RUKK.”

23

“BREPP.”

24

“GRUK GRUK GRUK.”

25

“Oh waiEEEEEYUUUG.”

26

“FROHPE!”

27

“FUH-FLOOOKE.”

28

“Well WYUUURG.”

29

“FRRRRRUGCK. Um, I FRRRUGHMM, meh.”

30

“Bruh-bruuuUUUUgh!”

31

“GRUUUOAK!”

32

“Let’s justRROOOAK.”

33

“BRRRAYYYT.”

34

“BOOO-RUGG.”

35

“Let’s HROOUCK!”

36

“UGH-GUG-GRUCK.”

37

“I WOOORF, I… oh my.”

38

“BAYROOOOK.”

39

“I caAAAYUUUCK.”

40

“Wait WAOOOORF.”

41

“Hnngnngh-GLORRG!”

42

“Hold OOOONNNOOOARK.”

43

“Buh-buh-bYOOAAWN.”

44

“Uh-guh-GREK oh no.”

45

“WHEE-YAAAAHP.”

46

“Ahem. So shOOORP whoa uh, ok.”

47

“BLORF.”

48

“FEGH.”

49

“HYOOOAUUGH.”

50

“BROOORMP.”

51

“FLEEERAAUUUGH.”

52

“FleaBOARG.”

53

“TerMEROROR.”

54

“Oh OOOARGERG.”

55

“BLOARK.”

56

“KR-OOONK.”

57

“GRAAAAYNG.”

58

“HYUKUH-uh, oh god.”

59

“HRRRNG oh.”

60

“UCK.”

61

“RAAAYMS.”

62

“GERUGGGH.”

63

“CORM.”

64

“FLEXGHM. Ahem.”

65

“FWOP. Whoa.”

66

“REEAAYROM.”

67

“Ugh. GLAAAUGGH.”

68

*lips closed, jaw wide* “OOOROOO.”

69

*smack lips* “Hrm-ORRRRM, welp yes.”

70

“FWEP.”

71

“TORQUE.”

72

“I-IPEROUSE oh ohs.”

73

“ERRRITE! OH!”

74

“GROMM!”

75

“CROOOOAD.”

76

“FW-AHM.”

77

“BROOO-EEP.”

78

“KWAKOL.”

79

“MELK. Oh that wasn’t, oh.”

80

“CLOP!”

81

“MAYP.”

82

“GWOPUP.”

83

“Hrm. HMOP oh, shoot.”

84

“CAAAYPE.”

85

“Ehck.”

86

“FuuccgggECH-UGH.”

87

“CROOT.”

88

“BOMP.”

89

“PLORRP.”

90

“FUUUUG!”

91

“TWEP!”

92

“FLECCCH!”

93

“OoohKWOMP oh.”

94

“Beck. What?”

95

“POOORK.”

96

“BOMPUCK.”

97

*in the quietest of whispers* “blfff.”

98

“FLAAANGK.”

99

“CLEEEAAAGH.”

100

“Woof, excus-MEUUGHUGH!”

 

*Warning: D&D Beyond takes no responsibility for anything ejected from an orifice, deliberate or unintentional, during the execution of this piece. Dungeon Masters may want to consider installing a splash guard** to their Rick and Morty Dungeon Master screen.

**Dungeon Master screen splash guard not included.


Dan Telfer is the Dungeons Humorist aka Comedy Archmage for D&D Beyond (a fun way they are letting him say "writer"), dungeon master for the Nerd Poker podcast, a stand-up comedian, a TV writer who also helped win some Emmys over at Comedy Central, and a former editor of MAD Magazine and The Onion. He can be found riding his bike around Los Angeles from gig to gig to gaming store, though the best way to find out what he's up to is to follow him on Twitter via @dantelfer.

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