You are... Nobody! You had no life before your life of adventuring, most likely something less than even a homeless street urchin. You were a rat, scurrying about within the vast gutters of a city; a person of the deep, uncivilized wilds; one who was born but whose life has amounted to absolutely nothing. You have no fame, you have no grace, you have little to nothing to your name aside from perhaps your underclothes. You aren't necessarily nude, but your clothes are most likely the only thing you have.
You will face a life of hardship throughout your adventures and even the smallest of tasks will become insurmountable challenges to you. What can be accomplished by your party Fighter with ease will become a trial by flesh for you. A common solution devised by your friendly Wizard will be something that your brain will struggle to even consider. Commoners will appear as the most skilled as acrobats for the simple act of walking to someone like you, a nobody who barely even has proper control over their very own motor skills, your own body not even respecting the authority that you have over it.
In case it was not obvious, this background will punish you, limit you, and make you far less than the sum of your own parts. Choose this at your own discretion.
- Skill Proficiencies: You get no skills from this background. Absolutely nothing. You possess no knowledge of anything prior to your adventure.
- Tool Proficiencies: No tools either. You are not proficient in any tools.
- Languages: You start with one and only one language: Common.
- Equipment: You get nothing except the clothes on your back, assuming you have any.
As an absolute nobody, your power within the party is far less than your peers, and even the most powerful of classes can't raise you above to the level of your own friends. Whatever class you choose will be severely hindered by the Cretin background feature and this table will reference on how each class has been altered.
| d14 | Cretin Class Modifications |
|---|---|
| 1 | Artificer: Every creation of yours is severely flawed. You cannot know more than 2 infusions at once and you can only infuse one magic item at a time. You also can only learn a maximum of three cantrips and you can only learn up to 2nd level spells. |
| 2 | Barbarian: You posess no anger or wrath. Your Barbarian rage only lasts for three rounds, and you can only do it once per long rest, even if your class would have you gain more rages. On top of that, you cannot benefit from Barbarian Rage damage resistances, only rage damage, and your unarmored AC cannot go above 14. |
| 3 | Bard: You cannot sing, and you cannot dance. You are completely unable to express yourself. You can only offer one Bardic inspiration per long rest and it cannot go higher than 1d6 and you can only learn up to 3rd Level spells with a maximum of 1 3rd level spell slot. You may also know only one cantrip. |
| 4 | Cleric: God has abandoned you. You can only learn up to 5th level spells with only one 5th level spell slot. Destroy undead will only ever work on 1/4 Cr undead, and when you get divine intervention, no god will ever respond to you. Only on a 1 will your god bother to heed what you say, and even then they most likely will not help you. |
| 5 | Druid: You are deaf to the voices of nature and blind to it's miracles, and yet here you are. You only get 1 wild shape and you can only transform into a creature of CR 1/4. You get only two cantrips even if your class would give you more and you can only learn up to 5th level spell slots and get only one 5th level spell slot. |
| 6 | Fighter: You were never built for combat. You only get one extra attack and you can only use Action Surge once per long rest. Furthermore, second wind only heals you half as much HP. |
| 7 | Monk: Years of training all wasted on you. You only get two Ki points and you cannot gain any more. Your unarmored AC cannot go higher than 15. You cannot attack more than once without flurry of blows. |
| 8 | Mystic: Your third eye is a lot more like a third lazy eye. You can only have one psionic disclipline and two psionic talents at a time and your PSI points cannot exceed 20. On top of that, you can only use Psionic Mastery once per long rest. |
| 9 | Paladin: Your conviction is a little arrested. You can only use 1st level spells and use 1st level spell slots. You also do not benefit from extra attack and you only have half of your Lay on Hands pool (rounded down.) |
| 10 | Ranger: You do not benefit from extra attack. That's it. Being Ranger is punishment enough. |
| 11 | Rogue: The shadows were never your friend. You aren't even on a first name basis. You do not know Thieves Cant, and sneak attack cannot go higher than 1d6. |
| 12 | Sorcerer: Your magical touch is a little weak. You only get 2 sorcery points maximum, you only have one metamagic option, you only know 2 cantrips even if your class would give you more, and you can only know 3 spells. You also can only have a maximum of 5th level spells and one 5th level spell slot. |
| 13 | Warlock: Your patron leaves you on read most of the time, probably doesn't even know you exist. You only get two spell slots ever, you only know two spells, and they cannot be stronger than 2nd level. You also only have one Eldritch Invocation. |
| 14 | Wizard: You majored in something else. The arcane was something you minored in. You only ever know 3 cantrips and you can only learn up to 6th level spells with one 6th level spell slot. Furthermore, Arcane recovery only restores a quarter of your wizard level in spell slots (rounded down.) |
You are nothing, that means you have nothing. By being a cretin, you are subjecting yourself to the unique experience of having your gaming experience being severely hampered. This feature overrides everything you start with for your class, limiting even your class features.
To begin, you do not get starting gear from your class. Starting equipment gives you absolutely nothing and this includes any tools, weapons, armor, and other equipment you might receive at 1st Level. If your DM permits, however, you may start with one copper coin. Otherwise, start with no equipment even if your DM says otherwise. Yes, that is right. This feature overrides the wishes of your own DM. Second, your Proficiency modifier cannot go any higher than +1, even if your class would normally permit it. Third, there are slight modifications depending on which class you play as. See the table: Cretin Class modifications.
Furthermore, you cannot benefit from a long rest in the comfort of an Inn or inside a tent or on a bedroll. Your body is simply not used to being comfortable. And besides, what self-respecting innkeeper will allow something like you into their clean rooms? In order to benefit from a long rest, you need to sleep on the street, on the ground, in an alleyway, on some hard stone surface, or at the very least outside a house. Anywhere but a bed will work for you. You also cannot benefit from a short rest under any circumstances.
There is no rule in the Core Rulebook, Dungeon Master's Guide or any other book that can override the limitations brought upon your Background feature. Not even your DM. If your DM says otherwise and insists upon it, ignore them. Yes, I, the author, is telling you, the player, to ignore your DM and play like this no matter what.
Suggested Characteristics
You have no values, bonds or connections. You only have flaws.
| d6 | Flaw |
|---|---|
| 1 | I will only eat trash and scraps, nothing else will sustain me. |
| 2 | I do not believe in bathing or I simply do not know how. |
| 3 | Concepts such as "money" "the economy" and "trade" are completely alien concepts to me. I do not understand these things. |
| 4 | I speak in my own foreign dialect that I created from years of self-isolation that doesn't even sound like common. |
| 5 | I am deathly afraid of socializing, and as such, I struggle in any social situation. |
| 6 | I am slowly dying and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I live every day of my life in fear of the end. |
Previous Versions
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