You are very cool man named Billy bob

Skill Proficiencies: You are proficient in every skill, and gain advantage on every roll, also charisma you auto succeed, on intelligence checks you auto crit fail causing your brain explodes instantly killing anyone in a 40 mile radius.

Tool Proficiencies: You are proficent in all tools, except books, if you ever read a book take 999999999d20 damage and anyone who in a 1200 mile radius also does, also your armor class is +3 & health is -2

Languages: nope, you just know common nor can learn any other

Equipment: You get 7 rusty coins, a jar of holding, and a white egg (reverse hydra) & a billy bob inator (every billy bob has one, on contact with a non Billy bob it turns them into a Billy bob with their own Billy bob inator), also you immune to the effects of reverse hydras and are imperceptible to them, 

Suggested Characteristics

Man, Nmed Billy bob, hates books, hates thinking, loves women