Disclaimer: This is a parody of bad roleplaying. It is not representative of the D&D community as a whole, or of any specific person. However, the author stands by this article as an unfortunate, yet accurate portrayal of certain D&D players. Whether they're horrible people or just ignorant, we all know who they are, and we all know what they deserve. You are either a hypocrite or a psychopath. You believe that it's totally fine to blackmail people, kill them anyways, and rob their corpses, so long as you never get caught. You are only playing D&D for the power fantasy. What is wrong with you? Do you find pleasure in pissing people off? Are you completely unable to sympathize with anyone but yourself? Do you delude yourself into thinking you're a good guy in a transparent attempt to justify your actions? Are you just an idiot? How to do get out of bed in the morning, knowing you're a complete blight on civilization, that everyone with more than two brain cells wants you dead, and that the people you call "friends" only care about you so long as it directly benefits themselves?
- Skill Proficiencies: Lying, Avoiding Consequences
- Tool Proficiencies: One type of gaming set that you'll never use because who cares
- Equipment: A key to the city (Crowbar), a set of extremely conspicuous midnight-black robes with scary cowl, and a belt pouch containing 15 GP, all stolen from someone you barely know yet somehow "deserved it". Yeah, right.
There are many types of horrible people, but you're a specific type of horrible person. Choose a Specialty from the table below:
d8 | Criminal Specialty |
---|---|
1 | Blackmailer, but they deserved it! |
2 | Burglar, but they deserved it! |
3 | Enforcer (kind way of saying murderer), but they deserved it! |
4 | Fence (Different way of saying "Sells stolen goods"), You'd better hold on to your stuff! |
5 | Highway robber, but they deserved it! |
6 | Hired killer (another kind way of saying murderer), but they deserved it! |
7 | Pickpocket, but they deserved it! |
8 | Smuggler (but since this is D&D there's other illegal things people smuggle. Like weap...oh, wait, those aren't illegal. Stolen goo...oh wait, there's no good registries to identify stolen goods, making smugglers kinda pointless. Yeah, you're a drug dealer |
You are part of a network of the worst people alive. In case the consequences of your actions actually catch up to you, you have bosses the whine to. And because D&D has been designed to feed into your power fantasy, it'll work every time. I hope I never have to meet you in real life.
Suggested Characteristics
See below
d8 | Personality Trait |
---|---|
1 | I always have a plan for what to do when things go wrong: blame the DM. |
2 | I am always calm, no matter what the situation. I never raise my voice or display any emotion whatsoever. I think that if I act professional, I always have the moral high ground. |
3 | The first thing I do in a new place is note the locations of everything valuable, before I even know who owns them. I don't care if it's someone's treasured family heirloom, I want money and I don't care how I get it. |
4 | I manipulate people into liking me, even though I'm a complete sociopath. |
5 | I don't believe anything anyone else says, because I am always right. |
6 | The only philosophy I care to learn comes from Star Wars. |
7 | I am overcompensating for something. |
8 | I'm also overcompensating for something. |
d6 | Ideal |
---|---|
1 | Honor, Whatever That Means. I willingly support other criminals in a bid to make the world a worse place for everyone but me. (Lawful) |
2 | Ego. Don't tell me what to do, or I'll make you suffer. (Chaotic) |
3 | Hypocrisy. I try and justify my crimes to myself by giving back to the community, even though I stole everything from that same community. (Good?) |
4 | Social Darwinism. I'm not even trying to justify my actions. (Evil) |
5 | Vanity. I don't care about anyone except those that directly help me. (Evil) |
6 | Writer's Cop Out. My ideals are too vague to mean anything, but hey, the book says my alignment's Good! (Good) |
d6 | Bond |
---|---|
1 | I have a bond I ignore. |
2 | I have a bond I ignore. |
3 | I have a bond I ignore. |
4 | I have a bond I ignore. |
5 | I have a bond I ignore. |
6 | I have a bond I ignore. |
d6 | Flaw |
---|---|
1 | Excuse to be a horrible person. |
2 | Also an excuse to be a horrible person. |
3 | Really, I have no idea how these don't impact alignment. |
4 | Not an excuse to be a horrible person, but I don't care. |
5 | What do you think, idiot? |
6 | Legitimately disturbing excuse to be a horrible person. Seriously: "An innocent person is in prison for a crime that I committed. I'm okay with that." Who writes this!? |
You're still a criminal, but you pretend not to be. You delude yourself into believing you working for a greater cause, when all you're really doing is stripping people of their privacy. You know everything about everyone, then only release the information that benefits you. You're a lot like a tabloid reporter, but with even less personal responsibility.
You are part of a network of the worst people alive. In case the consequences of your actions actually catch up to you, you have bosses the whine to. And because D&D has been designed to feed into your power fantasy, it'll work every time. I hope I never have to meet you in real life.
as a dm, I approve this message
XD oh my god yes. I luckily haven't experienced this but do know there are players like this but it is extremely funny nonetheless.
lololololololololol! This is the best thing I've read in a long time!
All DMs: I approve this message
literally I'm a dm and these people legit piss me off. thank you for giving me a good laugh and something to show some ******** later :)
prerequisite: ******y Rouge
Thanks this legit gave me a good laugh
I've seen people weave this kind of behavior into a believeable story, but to do this without any justification or internal logic is dumb and weird
You sir, deserve a medal, no, a statue built in your honor in every game store in the world. This background deserves to be written down in history as the greatest homebrew creation ever made for any game, it's truly beautiful, tears are streaming down my cheeks as I type this, you are the light that guides us through the darkness. Praise be to our saviour! All hail Simcityguy09, the true king of tabletops!
thank you for this AWESOME home brew post. I literally laughed so hard my nose bled. This is now going to be my ultimate reference guide to what background "that guy" should be. Thanks for this! it definitely made my day. Keep posting things like this Simcityguy09! i'll look forward to another laugh if you make something like this again :)
Oh and I do piss off DMs on a regular basis only because I roll 1-10 nat 20s in each session. I literally ended up having my DMs check if my dice are weighted and even used his own set of dice. I'm just that lucky LOL.
Lmao, accurate
Hey that's not fair
sometimes they have a bond that they only use to try and justify shitty behavior and ignore the rest of the time.
also they get proficiency in sleight of hand to fudge their own dice rolls/blame it on interference.
Beautiful
simply, the truth. this is a masterpiece. true artwork. BEAUTIFUL.
>A key to the city (crowbar)
w h e e z e
Very acurate!
I have a cousin who plays his rogue exactly like this. Thank you for calling attention to this
This honestly feels more like a public service announcement then a joke
This is pretty funny, I liked the key to the city joke, but this is also a little mean. Not all dnd players are like this. Mostly just the Murder Hobos. But a lot of people use dnd to have fun, hang out with friends, and pretend to be heros.
This truly made me laugh, thank you for this. <3
Legit I know someone just like this, and they love Star Wars.
Stole Dragon Scale Mail, forced his friends to murder the blacksmith who made it, had everyone else go into prison for the murder, then tried to act like a hero, and told me I (The DM) was being dumb when I tried to have a Mario-themed adventure.
...
I still play with that person.
This. Is. The. BEST. Thing . I have seen in homebrew so far xD