The Main Character

You may only take this feat at your DM's discretion, and only if they have not read it or have fully or partially read it and granted you permission anyways. When you take this feat, you become The Main Character. A campaign can only have one (1) The Main Character. If you discover that another player character is The Main Character, either you or that character may choose to lose this feat. If no character chooses to lose this feat, you must engage the other character in single combat and the loser loses this feat. A character who loses this feat is no longer The Main Character, and loses access to all abilities and privileges that The Main Character would possess.

When you become The Main Character, you gain any number of the following abilities that you choose (add +5 to your AC if you choose all of them):

• Center of Attention - If a story beat is happening and you are not present, but you would like to be, the story is considered retconned and you were always there. If anyone disputes that you were there, your DM must correct them and agree with you. If you choose not to be present for a story beat, you don't have to pay attention to it. You also don't have to pay attention if you do choose to be there.
• Importance - If you, the player, are witnessing a story beat that is not about you (your character) within infinite feet, you can choose to make that story beat about you instead. You may freely interrupt anything that is happening to anyone, between them and anyone else, at any time, for any reason, anytime you feel like it, but only as often as you like. Remember: They are just extras in YOUR story.
• Well Connected - The DM must allow you, if you choose, to create or join a guild, family or faction, with any number of members, anywhere in the world, of which you are a known member and which can have any connections to any other characters, towns or locations in the game. You can always call upon this guild/family/faction for favors, as you are automatically a high-ranking member.
• Our Shepherd and Commander - You, and you alone, decide where the party goes, what it does, and for how long. The second you feel bored you may force everyone to do something else. It doesn't matter if another player has a quest or story thread in a location you don't want to be in - all their stuff is boring anyway. If anyone objects, complain loudly. Remember: Loud equals right.
• Matter of Convenience - You may freely edit your backstory at any time. If the DM disputes any of the changes, gaslight them and say you discussed it previously and they were, in fact, fine with it.
• The Special Sauce - You may add up to five special things to yourself. It doesn't matter what they are. If it's unfair to other players or makes your character unbalanced, good. Want a +5 great sword? Go for it. Want the ability to craft microscopic bombs that you can launch into any target with a bendy straw as a bonus action, dealing 100D10 force damage? Yeet. Want a custom subclass that lets you feel like the most special boy? Don't let your dreams pass you by. The possibilities are endless(ly annoying).
• O Poseidon - You may let your child or children under ten (10) years of age join the game. You do not need permission from any other player(s) to do this. If anyone complains, say "come on, man" until they agree to let you do it. They are not allowed to make your child feel bad or the session is cancelled. Your child (or children)'s character(s) can be anything they want, and they are indestructible because getting hurt or dying would make them upset, and that's everyone's problem but yours.
• Powernap - Once per long rest, any rest you take is considered a long rest. You gain the full benefits of a long rest when you rest for any length of time. If anyone asks, you must tell them it's a class or race feature in-character and then refuse to explain what that means in-character. You may use this ability only once per long rest.
• On Demand - Any item you equip that requires attunement is automatically instantly attuned to you. It would be mildly inconvenient otherwise.
• The House Always Wins - If an NPC, another player, or the DM fails to give you what you want or let you do that thing you wanted to do, you may engage them in an hours-long debate surrounding real-world physics, whataboutisms and deep philosophical conjecture while everyone else sits there and waits. You may choose to not relent until you get your way or pass of old age.

If you manage to advance three levels while in possession of this feat, or if you possess this feat for three sessions (including the session where you took it), congratulations. You have been insufferable longer than some characters have been alive. Since your DM clearly doesn't care, at the start of your next session, you gain +50 to all stats, immunity to everything except black holes and implosions, +100 to your proficiency bonus, infinite movement speed, including infinite swim speed and flight speed, infinite spell slots at every spell level, the ability to cast an infinite number of leveled spells per turn, the best version of every weapon and armor, infinite carry weight, all magical and wondrous items, all boons and feats, and all abilities from all races, classes and subclasses, including any and all spells those races, classes and subclasses have access to. Any number you roll on any die is treated as a critical success. You are not affected by terrain of any type and have infinite breath (and you also do not need to breathe, it is now optional. You MAY breathe. You don't HAVE TO.) You get ten actions per turn, and you gain the ability to skip the turns of any other creature or humanoid in combat. You also gain all racial bonuses, are every race and can speak every language so fluently that native speakers sound amateurish by comparison. You have infinite amounts of every currency. You have ten billion (10,000,000,000) feet of every kind of vision (including turdvision, a special type of vision granted only by this feat. With turdvision, any time you would see your reflection, you see a giant turd with your face on it instead. If you are a vampire, you still see the turd with your face on it, and so can anyone else, but there's a sign over your head that says "I am a Vampire. Bah-ah-ah!" in blinking neon lights.). As a free action, you can do whatever you want, but only whenever you feel like it. If you would take fall damage, you are healed for that amount instead. You are immune to the effects of hunger and exhaustion and you no longer need to sleep. However, at the end of that session (or when the first player quits), your character immediately, unavoidably and irreversibly implodes, collapsing into a black hole from which nothing can escape, while simultaneously dealing ∞D1 force damage to everything. This damage cannot be prevented, avoided, lessened or altered. Resistances and immunities, including legendary resistances, are nullified. Any ability or condition that would prevent this damage is negated. Any nonphysical beings, including gods and ghosts, are made physical and receive the damage. The damage is both magical and non-magical in infinitely equal measure. The black hole expands and consumes all planes of existence across all dimensions in every possible universe, including any and all pocket universes or dimensions, leaving absolutely nothing behind. Your DM must deliver the following epilogue:

"(The Main Character's name) then reincarnated in a way I am not qualified to explain, though I suspect it is due to how interesting and cool they are. Now they are the only thing to exist in a vast, infinite nothingness. Their awesomeness was so great that no universe could contain it, so all conceivable universes were destroyed, making room for their excellence and fantabulousness. Alone, adrift in an infinite sea of nothing, they celebrated themselves until the end of time, and then somehow forever after that. Truly, the only person who ever mattered or ever will matter. What a great person. We all loved them. Fin (they must say "Fin" out loud, pronouncing it "feen" and must also read this part out loud. If they did not pronounce it "feen" the first time, they must start over.). You may all go home now, with my deepest and sincerest apologies, for I have failed you. Feel free to take any of my things on your way out as compensation for your wasted time and the unpaid mental and/or emotional labor you did placating (The Main Character's name). Those who wish to stay are now at their mercy, and ruthlessness is mercy upon ourselves."

Afterward, you become the DM. Your character is now your DMNPC, and you can finally build your perfect little playground for yourself. Enjoy!