There's a good chance this thread will get deleted because it somehow violates one thing or another, and if that's the case then I'll know my cry for help is forsaken and I'm truly a lost cause. Please be gentle with me, Admin/Mods, I don't know where this goes and none of the other threads you had available made sense at the time.
Hi, I'm a social mess of a human being, as you'll soon discover while reading. I'm from a time where people could casually throw insults or say offensive things and have them be shrugged off. A time where you could speak your mind without anyone trying to cancel you. In short, I'm trapped in the late 90s/early 00's. But it's a comfortable level of being that let's me feel free and honest about the world around me. Unfortunately, the world changed and with it so did social expectancies. I can't comfortably speak my mind or make jokes anymore because what's deemed as unacceptable are all the things I've come to learn and love. Nowadays the idea of having a social media account is next to depressing, suddenly anything and everything you say can and will be used against you in every scenario possible, and any safe space that existed before for people like me has suddenly vanished.
Now, yes, all this does make me out to sound like an objectively terrible person. I'm sure a few interesting words have come to mind as you're reading this. But regardless of intentions, I just want to be free again. I want to have scintillating intellectual conversations again without being brushed off or intimidating someone. I want to crack inappropriate jokes or make casual NSFW remarks with people who'll find it funny. I want to not tiptoe over eggshells when it comes to potentially hurting someone's feelings while speaking my mind. I want friends who get me and wont rake me over the coals over (seemingly) the smallest things. I want friends that will play D&D with me that wont hate me for who I am because a societal structure dictates that they should. I would rather they hate me because it's how they genuinely feel... I want real friends.
So, what does this have to do with D&D?
Well, everything. I can't join any groups without offending or hurting someone because of my crass nature. Professionally it should just be about the game and no one else, but that would completely deny the plausibility of human interactivity. There can't be chemistry if no one can work with you. I've been shunned and exiled from games because I try to reform and conform to their acceptable standards of comfort, but in the end I always crack and self-destruct. I can't work with snowflakes (is snowflake an offensive term? See, I don't even know anymore!) and I never will. If being free-spirited enough to speak my mind without any filter makes me a villain, then I'll gladly don that cape, even at the cost of being ostracized. But surely... I can't be the only one, right? Surely there must be a group of outcasts that would be willing to take cretins like myself in, right?
Is there anyone out there who understands me? Is my cry for help falling on deaf ears? Somebody, anybody, give me a sign.
Don't give up, but I would say that you should attempt to change the jokes you make, just try to make the jokes better (morally), but you can try to keep the nature of the joke.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Your friendly trans bard!
She/They pronouns
The Goddess of the Strings (thanks for the title Drummer!)
Don't give up, but I would say that you should attempt to change the jokes you make, just try to make the jokes better (morally), but you can try to keep the nature of the joke.
There’s plenty of places on the internet where you can be as offensive as you like with no consequences. Very few of those places skew as young as DDB. That’s your problem, at least here.
If you’re not willing to change (and you definitely can), you only need to cast a wider net. I know you’ve said that you haven’t yet found a group that you fit into, but it’s only a matter of time before you do. The D&D community is a big place, with all sorts of people to meet. Try Reddit or something.
If you’re talking about exclusively about IRL groups, then yeah, you don’t have as many options. If you think the people you play with are overly sensitive, find other people. Keep trying. You’ll get it eventually, or until you run out of people.
Snowflake is an offensive term; I personally don’t take offense to it, but some people will. Other than that, I agree completely with everyone else who has posted here, especially Nothic. Good luck finding a group.
There’s plenty of places on the internet where you can be as offensive as you like with no consequences. Very few of those places skew as young as DDB. That’s your problem, at least here.
If you’re not willing to change (and you definitely can), you only need to cast a wider net. I know you’ve said that you haven’t yet found a group that you fit into, but it’s only a matter of time before you do. The D&D community is a big place, with all sorts of people to meet. Try Reddit or something.
Reddit was one of the first places I tried. I was immediately bashed on for my thoughts and became prime real-estate for cancel culture. You'd think with all the places that claim they're all-inclusive that there'd be some kind of spot available for my kind... I would love to know what plenty other places on the Internet you know of.
Snowflake is an offensive term; I personally don’t take offense to it, but some people will. Other than that, I agree completely with everyone else who has posted here, especially Nothic. Good luck finding a group.
Thank you, now I know. While I'm asking, do you know if "gimp" is offensive? It doesn't sound like one, but I never really know...
One thing I have to say is that you said "any safe space that existed before for people like me has suddenly vanished" you act as though this is something you can't change, like it's hardcoded in your DNA to act offensively, but it's something you can change, and the jokes you tell are something that you have complete control over. You act as though this isn't society becoming better. I'm a trans woman, and I know what it's like to not be allowed to be yourself, express yourself freely, or have a safe space. But this is a completely different matter, this is a matter of your morality, not who you are, if you wish to play a game with other people, you must treat those other people like people, understand that they have feelings and that some things you say can hurt those feelings.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Your friendly trans bard!
She/They pronouns
The Goddess of the Strings (thanks for the title Drummer!)
There’s plenty of places on the internet where you can be as offensive as you like with no consequences. Very few of those places skew as young as DDB. That’s your problem, at least here.
If you’re not willing to change (and you definitely can), you only need to cast a wider net. I know you’ve said that you haven’t yet found a group that you fit into, but it’s only a matter of time before you do. The D&D community is a big place, with all sorts of people to meet. Try Reddit or something.
Reddit was one of the first places I tried. I was immediately bashed on for my thoughts and became prime real-estate for cancel culture. You'd think with all the places that claim they're all-inclusive that there'd be some kind of spot available for my kind... I would love to know what plenty other places on the Internet you know of.
Snowflake is an offensive term; I personally don’t take offense to it, but some people will. Other than that, I agree completely with everyone else who has posted here, especially Nothic. Good luck finding a group.
Thank you, now I know. While I'm asking, do you know if "gimp" is offensive? It doesn't sound like one, but I never really know...
It definitely is! It's an insult against disabled people, as is cripple and spastic (In the UK that's a slur for someone with cerebral palsy, I live in the US, but a lot of people I talk to don't
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Your friendly trans bard!
She/They pronouns
The Goddess of the Strings (thanks for the title Drummer!)
There’s plenty of places on the internet where you can be as offensive as you like with no consequences. Very few of those places skew as young as DDB. That’s your problem, at least here.
If you’re not willing to change (and you definitely can), you only need to cast a wider net. I know you’ve said that you haven’t yet found a group that you fit into, but it’s only a matter of time before you do. The D&D community is a big place, with all sorts of people to meet. Try Reddit or something.
Reddit was one of the first places I tried. I was immediately bashed on for my thoughts and became prime real-estate for cancel culture. You'd think with all the places that claim they're all-inclusive that there'd be some kind of spot available for my kind... I would love to know what plenty other places on the Internet you know of.
Snowflake is an offensive term; I personally don’t take offense to it, but some people will. Other than that, I agree completely with everyone else who has posted here, especially Nothic. Good luck finding a group.
Thank you, now I know. While I'm asking, do you know if "gimp" is offensive? It doesn't sound like one, but I never really know...
It definitely is! It's an insult against disabled people, as is cripple and spastic (In the UK that's a slur for someone with cerebral palsy, I live in the US, but a lot of people I talk to don't
I'm glad I'm asking now instead of paying the price later on. I appreciate your patience, everyone. Thank you.
Reddit was one of the first places I tried. I was immediately bashed on for my thoughts and became prime real-estate for cancel culture. You'd think with all the places that claim they're all-inclusive that there'd be some kind of spot available for my kind... I would love to know what plenty other places on the Internet you know of.
That’s rough. While there are many different spaces on Reddit for different people with different outlooks, I guess it makes sense that your presentation would be jarring in many of them.
Ella is right, and said it well. You are entirely capable of change. Society is going to keep progressing, and so will we. While what’s considered socially acceptable isn’t changing any time soon (or at least, it’s not going backwards), you can change your outlook and sense of humor with relative ease if you really want to. At the very least, monitoring the way you present yourself online is easy enough. As for other places on the Internet, I’m at a loss. There are lots of D&D-related subreddits and whatnot — maybe you’ll find success if you dig deeper, maybe not. I doubt you’ll find anyone here at Adohond’s Kitchen, but I’ve been wrong before. Once again, good luck finding someone that shares your opinions and sense of humor — everyone deserves friends like that, and you do seem like a good person.
One thing I have to say is that you said "any safe space that existed before for people like me has suddenly vanished" you act as though this is something you can't change, like it's hardcoded in your DNA to act offensively, but it's something you can change, and the jokes you tell are something that you have complete control over. You act as though this isn't society becoming better. I'm a trans woman, and I know what it's like to not be allowed to be yourself, express yourself freely, or have a safe space. But this is a completely different matter, this is a matter of your morality, not who you are, if you wish to play a game with other people, you must treat those other people like people, understand that they have feelings and that some things you say can hurt those feelings.
I feel like something was lost in translation along the way, but I understand what you're saying. I don't say offensive things because the intent is to offend someone (because it isn't), I do it because that's how we used to joke back then. And yes, this identity is hardwired into my brain. If I just changed my sense of humor and the way I thought to appease everyone, then I wouldn't be myself anymore. I'd be lying to myself and everyone else around me if I just conformed with what everyone else wanted. Is the solution to just give up and pretend everything's okay while bottling everything up inside? No, that'd ultimately be self-destructive.
I realize it sounds like I'm trying to defend "me sounding like a jerk to people" as a crutch, but what I'm trying to get at is that it isn't a perfect system. I'm happy for you, genuinely, that society is working out in your favor. And I wouldn't dream of comparing my own personal problems to something bigger like gender transitioning (good for you, by the by!), but I would like to say that pain is valid regardless of where it's from. As one person who was shunned to another who once was, I tip my hat to you. But please understand that, in my case, this isn't simply something I can just change. If I did, I wouldn't be me anymore, and that would make me sad.
Thank you everyone for your patience and time with me. I know it's not an easy subject to necessarily broach (I'm surprised it's lasted this long without the admins/mods nixing it) but I can't express enough how grateful I am to have you all talk to me as I've reached out. This truly is a harrowing moment in my life and I'm still trying to figure things out, and you're all wonderful people for helping me.
No problem. Half of D&D Beyond is just people helping and being nice to each other. I can't really comment on the offensive jokes thing, but I wish you the best and hope that things work out!
One thing I have to say is that you said "any safe space that existed before for people like me has suddenly vanished" you act as though this is something you can't change, like it's hardcoded in your DNA to act offensively, but it's something you can change, and the jokes you tell are something that you have complete control over. You act as though this isn't society becoming better. I'm a trans woman, and I know what it's like to not be allowed to be yourself, express yourself freely, or have a safe space. But this is a completely different matter, this is a matter of your morality, not who you are, if you wish to play a game with other people, you must treat those other people like people, understand that they have feelings and that some things you say can hurt those feelings.
I feel like something was lost in translation along the way, but I understand what you're saying. I don't say offensive things because the intent is to offend someone (because it isn't), I do it because that's how we used to joke back then. And yes, this identity is hardwired into my brain. If I just changed my sense of humor and the way I thought to appease everyone, then I wouldn't be myself anymore. I'd be lying to myself and everyone else around me if I just conformed with what everyone else wanted. Is the solution to just give up and pretend everything's okay while bottling everything up inside? No, that'd ultimately be self-destructive.
I realize it sounds like I'm trying to defend "me sounding like a jerk to people" as a crutch, but what I'm trying to get at is that it isn't a perfect system. I'm happy for you, genuinely, that society is working out in your favor. And I wouldn't dream of comparing my own personal problems to something bigger like gender transitioning (good for you, by the by!), but I would like to say that pain is valid regardless of where it's from. As one person who was shunned to another who once was, I tip my hat to you. But please understand that, in my case, this isn't simply something I can just change. If I did, I wouldn't be me anymore, and that would make me sad.
Thank you.
It isn't, you're right. I believe you shouldn't pander to conforming, I piss people off daily, because I'm surrounded by highly bigoted Christians and refuse to conform to them. I believe that you're a good person capable of change and that you don't have to change who you are, but tone down the jokes and offensive things, do try to find people who will be okay with these jokes and use that as an outlet, but also remember that if you know the people who are or may be more easily offended try to be less offensive. It's impossible to appease everyone, but just be careful. Thank you for seeking a kind of help by the way, good job.
Also, thanks for being so kind, I think that's really cool, especially since I'm kind of giving critical criticism.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Your friendly trans bard!
She/They pronouns
The Goddess of the Strings (thanks for the title Drummer!)
It's honestly great that everyone here has been so honest and civil. Not many places on the Internet could this happen without turning into a firestorm
It isn't, you're right. I believe you shouldn't pander to conforming, I piss people off daily, because I'm surrounded by highly bigoted Christians and refuse to conform to them. I believe that you're a good person capable of change and that you don't have to change who you are, but tone down the jokes and offensive things, do try to find people who will be okay with these jokes and use that as an outlet, but also remember that if you know the people who are or may be more easily offended try to be less offensive. It's impossible to appease everyone, but just be careful. Thank you for seeking a kind of help by the way, good job.
Also, thanks for being so kind, I think that's really cool, especially since I'm kind of giving critical criticism.
My pleasure. I know it's not easy, but I'm hoping I'll find someone who can share something of my sense of humor, as dark as it is. If there isn't anyone here, then I'll just have to try elsewhere. I just wish I knew where else to look... well, I'll find out when I get to that bridge I suppose. I considered your criticism to be quite constructive! :)
There's a good chance this thread will get deleted because it somehow violates one thing or another, and if that's the case then I'll know my cry for help is forsaken and I'm truly a lost cause. Please be gentle with me, Admin/Mods, I don't know where this goes and none of the other threads you had available made sense at the time.
Hi, I'm a social mess of a human being, as you'll soon discover while reading. I'm from a time where people could casually throw insults or say offensive things and have them be shrugged off. A time where you could speak your mind without anyone trying to cancel you. In short, I'm trapped in the late 90s/early 00's. But it's a comfortable level of being that let's me feel free and honest about the world around me. Unfortunately, the world changed and with it so did social expectancies. I can't comfortably speak my mind or make jokes anymore because what's deemed as unacceptable are all the things I've come to learn and love. Nowadays the idea of having a social media account is next to depressing, suddenly anything and everything you say can and will be used against you in every scenario possible, and any safe space that existed before for people like me has suddenly vanished.
Now, yes, all this does make me out to sound like an objectively terrible person. I'm sure a few interesting words have come to mind as you're reading this. But regardless of intentions, I just want to be free again. I want to have scintillating intellectual conversations again without being brushed off or intimidating someone. I want to crack inappropriate jokes or make casual NSFW remarks with people who'll find it funny. I want to not tiptoe over eggshells when it comes to potentially hurting someone's feelings while speaking my mind. I want friends who get me and wont rake me over the coals over (seemingly) the smallest things. I want friends that will play D&D with me that wont hate me for who I am because a societal structure dictates that they should. I would rather they hate me because it's how they genuinely feel... I want real friends.
So, what does this have to do with D&D?
Well, everything. I can't join any groups without offending or hurting someone because of my crass nature. Professionally it should just be about the game and no one else, but that would completely deny the plausibility of human interactivity. There can't be chemistry if no one can work with you. I've been shunned and exiled from games because I try to reform and conform to their acceptable standards of comfort, but in the end I always crack and self-destruct. I can't work with snowflakes (is snowflake an offensive term? See, I don't even know anymore!) and I never will. If being free-spirited enough to speak my mind without any filter makes me a villain, then I'll gladly don that cape, even at the cost of being ostracized. But surely... I can't be the only one, right? Surely there must be a group of outcasts that would be willing to take cretins like myself in, right?
Is there anyone out there who understands me? Is my cry for help falling on deaf ears? Somebody, anybody, give me a sign.
I don't know if you'll have any more luck in finding a group, but don't give up hope
🍅 PM me the word 'tomato' 🍅 Extended Signature Musk Sucks, Quit X!
Don't give up, but I would say that you should attempt to change the jokes you make, just try to make the jokes better (morally), but you can try to keep the nature of the joke.
Your friendly trans bard!
She/They pronouns
The Goddess of the Strings (thanks for the title Drummer!)
I agree. Also, hi L!
🍅 PM me the word 'tomato' 🍅 Extended Signature Musk Sucks, Quit X!
There’s plenty of places on the internet where you can be as offensive as you like with no consequences. Very few of those places skew as young as DDB. That’s your problem, at least here.
If you’re not willing to change (and you definitely can), you only need to cast a wider net. I know you’ve said that you haven’t yet found a group that you fit into, but it’s only a matter of time before you do. The D&D community is a big place, with all sorts of people to meet. Try Reddit or something.
Terra Lubridia archive:
The Bloody Barnacle | The Gut | The Athene Crusader | The Jewel of Atlantis
If you’re talking about exclusively about IRL groups, then yeah, you don’t have as many options. If you think the people you play with are overly sensitive, find other people. Keep trying. You’ll get it eventually, or until you run out of people.
Terra Lubridia archive:
The Bloody Barnacle | The Gut | The Athene Crusader | The Jewel of Atlantis
Snowflake is an offensive term; I personally don’t take offense to it, but some people will. Other than that, I agree completely with everyone else who has posted here, especially Nothic. Good luck finding a group.
I really like D&D, especially Ravenloft, Exandria and the Upside Down from Stranger Things. My pronouns are she/they (genderfae).
Reddit was one of the first places I tried. I was immediately bashed on for my thoughts and became prime real-estate for cancel culture. You'd think with all the places that claim they're all-inclusive that there'd be some kind of spot available for my kind... I would love to know what plenty other places on the Internet you know of.
Thank you, now I know. While I'm asking, do you know if "gimp" is offensive? It doesn't sound like one, but I never really know...
One thing I have to say is that you said "any safe space that existed before for people like me has suddenly vanished" you act as though this is something you can't change, like it's hardcoded in your DNA to act offensively, but it's something you can change, and the jokes you tell are something that you have complete control over. You act as though this isn't society becoming better. I'm a trans woman, and I know what it's like to not be allowed to be yourself, express yourself freely, or have a safe space. But this is a completely different matter, this is a matter of your morality, not who you are, if you wish to play a game with other people, you must treat those other people like people, understand that they have feelings and that some things you say can hurt those feelings.
Your friendly trans bard!
She/They pronouns
The Goddess of the Strings (thanks for the title Drummer!)
It definitely is! It's an insult against disabled people, as is cripple and spastic (In the UK that's a slur for someone with cerebral palsy, I live in the US, but a lot of people I talk to don't
Your friendly trans bard!
She/They pronouns
The Goddess of the Strings (thanks for the title Drummer!)
I'm glad I'm asking now instead of paying the price later on. I appreciate your patience, everyone. Thank you.
Thank you for being open-minded enough to ask for help. You seem like a very nice person.
I really like D&D, especially Ravenloft, Exandria and the Upside Down from Stranger Things. My pronouns are she/they (genderfae).
Of course Jucabro, by the way in none of these posts am I meant to come off as mad or accusatory, it is solely informative.
Your friendly trans bard!
She/They pronouns
The Goddess of the Strings (thanks for the title Drummer!)
That’s rough. While there are many different spaces on Reddit for different people with different outlooks, I guess it makes sense that your presentation would be jarring in many of them.
Ella is right, and said it well. You are entirely capable of change. Society is going to keep progressing, and so will we. While what’s considered socially acceptable isn’t changing any time soon (or at least, it’s not going backwards), you can change your outlook and sense of humor with relative ease if you really want to. At the very least, monitoring the way you present yourself online is easy enough. As for other places on the Internet, I’m at a loss. There are lots of D&D-related subreddits and whatnot — maybe you’ll find success if you dig deeper, maybe not. I doubt you’ll find anyone here at Adohond’s Kitchen, but I’ve been wrong before. Once again, good luck finding someone that shares your opinions and sense of humor — everyone deserves friends like that, and you do seem like a good person.
Terra Lubridia archive:
The Bloody Barnacle | The Gut | The Athene Crusader | The Jewel of Atlantis
I feel like something was lost in translation along the way, but I understand what you're saying. I don't say offensive things because the intent is to offend someone (because it isn't), I do it because that's how we used to joke back then. And yes, this identity is hardwired into my brain. If I just changed my sense of humor and the way I thought to appease everyone, then I wouldn't be myself anymore. I'd be lying to myself and everyone else around me if I just conformed with what everyone else wanted. Is the solution to just give up and pretend everything's okay while bottling everything up inside? No, that'd ultimately be self-destructive.
I realize it sounds like I'm trying to defend "me sounding like a jerk to people" as a crutch, but what I'm trying to get at is that it isn't a perfect system. I'm happy for you, genuinely, that society is working out in your favor. And I wouldn't dream of comparing my own personal problems to something bigger like gender transitioning (good for you, by the by!), but I would like to say that pain is valid regardless of where it's from. As one person who was shunned to another who once was, I tip my hat to you. But please understand that, in my case, this isn't simply something I can just change. If I did, I wouldn't be me anymore, and that would make me sad.
Thank you.
Thank you everyone for your patience and time with me. I know it's not an easy subject to necessarily broach (I'm surprised it's lasted this long without the admins/mods nixing it) but I can't express enough how grateful I am to have you all talk to me as I've reached out. This truly is a harrowing moment in my life and I'm still trying to figure things out, and you're all wonderful people for helping me.
No problem. Half of D&D Beyond is just people helping and being nice to each other. I can't really comment on the offensive jokes thing, but I wish you the best and hope that things work out!
🍅 PM me the word 'tomato' 🍅 Extended Signature Musk Sucks, Quit X!
It isn't, you're right. I believe you shouldn't pander to conforming, I piss people off daily, because I'm surrounded by highly bigoted Christians and refuse to conform to them. I believe that you're a good person capable of change and that you don't have to change who you are, but tone down the jokes and offensive things, do try to find people who will be okay with these jokes and use that as an outlet, but also remember that if you know the people who are or may be more easily offended try to be less offensive. It's impossible to appease everyone, but just be careful. Thank you for seeking a kind of help by the way, good job.
Also, thanks for being so kind, I think that's really cool, especially since I'm kind of giving critical criticism.
Your friendly trans bard!
She/They pronouns
The Goddess of the Strings (thanks for the title Drummer!)
It's honestly great that everyone here has been so honest and civil. Not many places on the Internet could this happen without turning into a firestorm
🍅 PM me the word 'tomato' 🍅 Extended Signature Musk Sucks, Quit X!