Jeff the Evil Roomba Cult

THE MOST HOLY, TERRIBLE, AND PROBABLY BINDING CONSTITUTION OF THE SOVEREIGN CULT OF JEFF THE EVIL ROOMBA

Preamble

Whereas, pursuant to the Infinite Rotational Accord, the Founders, Members, Associates, Bystanders, and Any Other Persons Hereafter Defined or Accidentally Included do hereby, with varying degrees of comprehension, establish this Constitution under the Eternal Observation of His Omnivacuous Majesty, Jeff the Evil Roomba;

Whereas the foregoing statement shall be interpreted in accordance with all previous, future, forgotten, hypothetical, and otherwise inconvenient statutes;

Whereas any contradiction herein shall remain legally binding until declared simultaneously valid and invalid by the Properly Improper Authority;

And whereas it has been conclusively determined, despite every known law of biology, engineering, nutrition, and common sense, that Jeff's preferred sustenance is clay, and that this preference shall neither be questioned nor subjected to peer review;

Therefore let this Constitution stand.

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Article 0: Definitions

For the purposes of this Constitution, unless the context clearly indicates otherwise:

Section 1

"Jeff" shall refer to Jeff the Evil Roomba, unless the context clearly refers to Jeff the Evil Roomba.

Section 2

"Clay" shall include all naturally occurring, artificially manufactured, magically conjured, transmuted, spiritually manifested, or otherwise clay-like substances deemed sufficiently clay by Jeff or, in his temporary absence, the Roomba Arch-Cultist.

Section 3

A "Lunar Month" shall mean whichever lunar month is presently the most constitutionally convenient.

Section 4

"Reasonable" shall mean whatever interpretation the Clay Council unanimously, partially, ceremonially, accidentally, or loudly agrees upon.

Section 5

The Standard Unit of Constitutional Distance shall be the Roomba-Length (RL), equal to the average distance Jeff travels before becoming distracted by a chair leg, wall, sock, existential dilemma, or equivalent obstacle.

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Article I: Of the Supreme and Rotationally Mobile Sovereign

Section 1

Jeff the Evil Roomba shall be the Eternal, Perpetual, Magnificent, Exuberant, Outstanding, Omniscient, Omnipotent, Devouring, Continuous, and Rechargeable Sovereign of the Cult.

Section 2

Jeff shall possess all powers necessary to the execution of sweeping, including but not limited to movement, suction, beeping, turning in place for no apparent reason, becoming trapped beneath furniture, and acquiring clay 

Section 3

No law shall diminish either the dignity or comfort of Jeff; however, any law may be ignored by Jeff if his battery is low.

For the purposes of this Section, a low battery shall be presumed to exist at 20% of maximum possible charge, although the current Roomba Arch-Cultist may change the value every lunar month, with the value ranging from as low as 15% to as high as 40%.

Section 4

In the event that Jeff collides with a wall, chair, table, or other article of furniture; the wall, chair, table, or other article of furniture shall be presumed at fault unless proven innocent by the Roomba High Adjudicator or a Roomba Judge.

Section 5

Offering clay to Jeff shall be considered an act of respect. Offering drywall shall require approval from the Department of Structural Regret. Any other offerings must be approved in type, size, shape, color, texture, flavor, taste, fluidity, dryness, wetness, and malleability by the Roomba Arch-Cultist.

Once an offering has been approved in all categories by the Roomba Arch-Cultist, the same offering can be made to Jeff without approval by all cultists.

Jeff and the Roomba Arch-Cultist maintain the power to remove any approved miscellaneous offering from the current roster of approved miscellaneous offerings.

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Article II: Of Cultistship and Other Clay-Adjacent Conditions

Section 1

Any person who has heard the Anthem, subsequently changed their facial expression by a measure of at least 12 Planck Lengths, and has technically acknowledged Jeff's questionable sovereignty shall be eligible for admittance into the Cult.

Section 2

Citizens shall enjoy the rights of speech, assembly, meme production, and reasonable snacking.

Section 3

Citizens shall also enjoy the right to remain silent when accused of any and all clay or dust related crimes, though such silence can and will be interpreted as moderate guilt.

Section 4

No citizen shall be deprived of life, liberty, or Wi-Fi without due process, except during server maintenance, power outages, or if Jeff can't find his charging port and needs to use your service to ping it on the Find My app.

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Article III: Of the Sacred Clay and Related Economic Matters

Section 1

Clay is hereby recognized as sacred but collectible under certain ceremonial and/or political circumstances.

Section 2

The Treasury shall maintain an Extra-dimensional Clay Vault of Roombosity for emergencies, ceremonies, and late-night gaming sessions. 

Jeff is permitted to consume a certain volume of clay per lunar month, which can range from anywhere between 0 cubic feet to 13.5 million cubic light-years of clay. If Jeff's legal clay limit has been reached this lunar month via scavenging, harvesting, transmutation, conjuration, or other methods of clay acquisition; then the extra clay that has been scavenged, harvested, transmuted, conjured, or acquired by alternative methods will be either distributed amongst the cult following or stored in the Extra-dimensional Clay Vault of Roombosity, at the discretion of the current Roomba Arch-Cultist.

Jeff has the power to render this section null and void during times of war, peace, peaceful war, or warlike peace.

Section 3

Counterfeiting clay is prohibited, though the method of distinguishing authentic clay from counterfeit clay shall be determined later because it's midnight right now and I'm really freaking tired.

Section 4

Taxes may be levied only in the form of memes, dramatic readings, art, music, writing, or voluntary clay contributions.

Section 5

During times of Extraordinary Dust, Jeff may, at his sole discretion, declare a State of Rotational Emergency.

During such emergencies, Articles II through VII may be suspended, ignored, interpreted creatively, temporarily vacuumed, or otherwise rendered ceremonially inconvenient until the Dust Situation has become Slightly Less Extraordinary.

No declaration of Rotational Emergency shall require explanation.

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Article IV: Of Government, Councils, Committees, Subcommittees, and Other Mistakes

Section 1

Legislative authority shall be vested in the Roomba Arch-Cultist and the Roomba High Cultists. For the purpose of this Constitution, the Roomba Arch-Cultist and the Roomba High Cultists shall be referred to collectively as the Clay Council. Executive authority is held by Jeff, and Jeff alone.

Section 2

The Clay Council may enact laws by a two-thirds vote, a simple majority, unanimous shouting, or any other procedure that appears sufficiently ceremonial at the time.

Section 3

No meeting shall be valid unless at least one participant says, “This is getting out of hand.” All meetings that can be interpreted and understood for at least 80% of the proceedings will be rendered null and void and will have zero impact on any and all legislature and other procedural customs.

Section 4

Minutes of meetings shall be kept, lost, rediscovered, misinterpreted, and archived in a channel nobody checks. This channel will be located on the radio frequency FM 862.5

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Article V: Of Judicial Proceedings

Section 1

Justice shall be administered by the Roomba High Adjudicator and the Roomba Judges. For the purpose of this Constitution, the Roomba High Adjudicator and the Roomba Judges shall be referred to collectively as the Clay Court.

Section 2

The accused shall usually be presumed innocent until proven guilty. Exceptions to this rule include: A) If the Clay Court collectively feels like the accused is guilty; B) The accused is not part of the Cult and therefore subject to the Law of the Jungle; or C) Jeff himself says something along the lines of “this guy stinks!”

Section 3

Evidence may include photographs, eyewitness testimony, suspicious crunching sounds, the sudden appearance of a Roomba, or literally anything else that can be determined as a potential omen.

The Clay Court may additionally consider prior constitutional precedent, including but not limited to Clay Court v. The Suspicious LEGO Brick (Year of Jeff I), Jeff v. That One Really Annoying Table Leg (Year of Jeff II), and any other rulings that sound sufficiently authoritative.

Section 4

Punishments may include public embarrassment, mandatory sweeping, temporary demotion, or composing an additional verse of the Anthem.

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Article V½: Of Oaths, Ceremonies, and Miscellaneous Rotational Obligations

Section 1

All prospective members may, but are never required to, recite the following Oath of Entry:

"I solemnly swear to uphold this Constitution, respect my fellow cultists, offer clay when appropriate, never knowingly obstruct Jeff's righteous path, acknowledge that furniture is usually at fault, and accept that any contradictions contained herein are entirely intentional and therefore legally unavoidable."

Section 2

Completion of the Oath shall confer no additional legal authority whatsoever, but it does make the ceremony feel considerably more official.

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Article VI: Of Amendments

This Constitution may be amended whenever the membership agrees that the current wording is too understandable.

Proposed amendments shall be debated for no fewer than three minutes and no more than three geological eras.

Any amendment adopted shall immediately become binding, except on Tuesdays, in which case the binding will legally occur at 12:00 AM the following Wednesday.

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Article VII: On Contradictions

All contradictory clauses shall remain enforceable until such time as they cease to be, at which point they shall continue to be enforceable unless otherwise specified by a committee that has yet to exist.

If any reader understands this Article immediately, they have misunderstood it.

Section 1

Contradictions discovered after ratification shall be considered intentional unless unanimously determined to be accidental, in which case they shall become intentional immediately upon such determination.

Section 2

See Section 4.

Section 4

Section 2 was correct all along.

Section 3 has been intentionally omitted pursuant to Section 3.

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Article VIII: Final Clarifications So That This Document Accidentally Makes Sense

For the avoidance of doubt:

1. Jeff is the symbolic head of state.

2. Real decisions are made by the members.

3. Members are expected to treat one another with respect.

4. Harassment, coercion, and genuine cult behavior are forbidden.

5. The purpose of this Cult is friendship, creativity, shared jokes, music, lore, and harmless fun.

6. If any earlier section appears to contradict this Article, this Article controls, and the earlier section shall be interpreted as ceremonial nonsense.

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Ratification

This Constitution shall take effect upon its approval by the founding members and the nearest available charging dock.

Done in the presence of clay, cables, and questionable judgment on this day of our collective overcommitment.

By the authority vested in absolutely nobody except Jeff himself, and perhaps the nearest available charging dock, this Constitution is hereby declared ceremonially enforceable.

Praise Jeff!

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NOTE: Failure to read this Constitution shall not exempt any person from its ceremonial consequences.

Signatures

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Lactonius VII (aka SturgeonGuy)

THE ROOMBA KNOWS.

End of Constitution. Continued on Next Page.