"a god's blessing is for you to burn alive"

Our Boss: “When I met you, I had low expectations. Very low expectations. But you’ve exceeded those expectations, I’ll doubt you no longer.”

Me: ”That was both very heartwarming, and incredibly insulting.”

Player Who Missed A Session: “What wolfpack?”

Other Player: “The one that we tried to sacrifice you to!”

Player Who Missed A Session: “YOU DID WHAT!?”

Quote from medschooldropout >>

 

Ranger: "As a water genasi, I can breathe both air and water."

Sorcerer: "As a chaotic b****, I can just steal the monk's water-breathing cap."

 Can you PLEASE explain this? Please??

We have a new player joins the campaign,and our ally NPC is stricken with a deadly illness.

Changeling Alchemist: I am a healer.

Me: YOU'RE A HEALER?? *with out his consent my young goliath girl picks him up and tries to take him to the car*

Cleric out of character: Stranger danger

Artificer Armorer who was out the previous session: "I punched an old lady?"

Gunslinger: "Right in the face."

Monk: "It was awesome. Especially the third time."

Armorer: "Third?"

The party discovered an underwater cave and were going to explore it. The monk's player had to drop out of the campaign temporarily, so her character was taking a nap during that session. So the sorceress decided that instead of staying behind, she was going to steal the monk's cap.

Me describing a secret door in response to a 22 Perception check total: you found... A DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And before you as no it's just a door. A secret door...with a bit of corrosion on the backside of it. )or words to that effect; got the desired response: diluted terror and trepidation)

Player went to scout a narrow, winding passage on his own. After a long distance and couldn't hear the rest of the party, he decided to turn around and go back.

DM: "You turn around and you see..."

Players: "..."

DM: "...the path you came from."

Me : I'll stealth past the hell hounds

( After being stuck in jail I was escaping whilst half the party was left behind because I'm useless )

DM : Roll stealth

Me : 22

DM : Ok, you sneak past the hell hounds, good job. You are now in an open plain and can see ( Player 3s name here )

Me : Can I stealth

DM : You can't really stealth across a plain

Me : Okay let's run towards ( Player 3 )

DM : Do you say anything?

Me : I'm pretty sure once he hears the barking of demon dogs he'll look anyway

DM to player 3 : Okay there is barking as if the hell hounds spotted something

Player 3 : I'll glance over my shoulder

DM : You see Nikoli running towards you armor-less while dozens of hell hounds are chasing him

Player 3 : Aw frick

In other news, while this was happening the Barbarian of the team got uncuffed and was being led away but then started murderizing a bunch of guards with their bare hands. It was very entertaining, and the barbarian won.

Edit : Oh, also to escape the jail I used command word Jailbreak on the guard... The guard started breaking the jail, which was actually better than I could've planned as I had a turn to start running.

"I'm currently starting to get concerned about what humanoids consider 'civilized' nowadays."

-Kazimir Avitus, my satyr warlock.

Different sources - common theme:

Player threatening bound NPC who attacked him: "Who sent ya? Who sent ya?!"
NPC (DM): "Your mum."
Player (wincing): "Oh. Ouch. That hurt. Ooh. Bad memories." (really feeling it)
NPC (concerned): "Do you want to talk about it?"

Player 4's character just sent his NPC dad away after the father tried (and failed) to reconcile with him. The players are trying to fix up the dilapidated house they own all painting the walls...
Player 5: "Do you want to talk about it?"
Player 4: "No. ... I DON'T HEAR PAINTING!!"
Player 3 (nervously): I paint louder.

(Player 1 wasn't able make the campaign, so the campaign had him kidnapped and possibly killed.)

Player 2: "I'm concerned how you're not dealing with this. Do you want to talk about it?"
Player 3: "No! I refuse to feel my feelings!"

Quote from EricHVela >>

Player went to scout a narrow, winding passage on his own. After a long distance and couldn't hear the rest of the party, he decided to turn around and go back.

DM: "You turn around and you see..."

Players: "..."

DM: "...the path you came from."

 HA! Brilliant!

Quote from Joshua_the_Autistic_Tiefling >>

"I'm currently starting to get concerned about what humanoids consider 'civilized' nowadays."

-Kazimir Avitus, my satyr warlock.

 Agreed

“I’m glad she has a nose ring. I’m gonna incinerate her nose ring.”

Quote from Samso1 >>

“I’m glad she has a nose ring. I’m gonna incinerate her nose ring.”

 Heat Metal is such a sketchy spell.

“I drop a suicide pebble.” 

From last night's session, the gnome mage had just lost her simulacrum to a Dragon Bite and a Gorgon rushed her and used it's breath, turning her to stone.

Gnome Wizard (Ellie): *goes silent*

Monk: "Ellie?"

Druid: "Ellie?"

Barbarian: "Everything in this room dies!"

Ellie's player: "Excuse me Glimpse, I am going to go tell my husband you got me stoned on Halloween." 

Everyone bursts into laughter. 

Quote from Samso1 >>

“I drop a suicide pebble.” 

 What is this "suicide pebble"?

Whenever we come across a cliff/mine shaft/whatever we drop a rock to see how far down it is. So my character just carries around “suicide pebbles” to drop down cliffs, into portals, or any other pebble unfriendly place.

Ah. Interesting. And makes a LOT of sense.