"Wait. The Paladin who believes in the 'Sky Cow' doesn't believe in ghosts?!"
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
I track and save my favorite quotes and puns (and killing blows and a couple other things) by my players for meta points they get to exchange ingame for certain rewards. (Ingame they're exchanged as "stories" to a traveling NPC who collects stories.) These are some of my favorites:
Session 1, PCs meeting having just washed up on a beach with their memories lost, PC to a PC with one arm: "Did you lose your arm?" One-armed PC: "Well I don't see it lying around anywhere."
"It's for a good caws." - My friend who goes by Raven online.
"Where are we?" "Don't you know? We're at the beach." (PCs are in the middle of a desert.)
"Really? 9 misses? Seems a bit unfair, isn't their AC too high?"
"Can I use my reaction to turn into bats?"
Astral Monk oneshot character, with their 4 arms active: "They come in handy." (Worst possible pun from my quietest player, and he was shameless about it.)
Guest PC rolls stealth, fails. Guard: "Is someone there?" GPC: "No!" I ask her to roll persuasion, natural 20. Guard: "... I guess it was nothing."
OOC discussing guest PC's firbolg character's name, he's not named his character yet. "I have a name suggestion. Firbolg translates to 'met of bags.' So... Gucci."
Newly-introduced PC mutters to himself that the locally-famous party are all alcoholics. A few moments later, after being told what the next mission is, he downs 2 glasses of wine back to back and says, "I'm beginning to see why you employ this method of preparation. Alright, let's go!"
my characters were in a tavern of thieves and one of them got pick-pocketed by one of the thieves but saw the thief but for some reason let the thief get away with it then i found out why the character went over and hid from the thief and stole back his gold and also all of the thief ill-gotten gains and missed one coin the thief looked around wildly and shouted "where'd all me gold go!?" and the character spotted the last coin and kicked the table tossing the coin in the air and caught it saying "I missed one." with a thick new-jersey accent
Our Tabaxi bard using Vicious Mockery: "You are being beaten by a literal p****!"
Gnome Artificer (me): "Do you all have lodging while you're in town?" Tabaxi Bard: "I thought I was crashing on your couch!"
Bard: "I order a beer." DM: "You're in elf country, so they mostly have light beer." Me: "Turns out Elves exclusively drink Bud Lite!" Bard: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Halfling Druid: "I try to find berries." (fails nature check) DM: "You find a bear. He's hostile and you can't tame it. He attacks you." (Bear rolls nat 1 and hits herself in the face) Druid: "I cast goodberry to heal the bear." DM: "Wait, why would you-OH GOD NO!" (10 seconds later) DM: "You have a pet bear now."
Druid: "Before I name the bear, what's the bear's gender?" DM: "Roll an animal handling check." (DM proceeds to look up pictures of... male bear genitalia prompting a lengthy detour)*
Me: "How was I supposed to know that attacking the monster would wake it up?!" DM: (aggressively facepalms)
Me: (Insight checks a random secretary) Also me: (fails) DM: (whispering in my ear) "whisper whisper whisper whisper."
*Note: The druid did not actually have to roll to examine the bear's lower regions.
Our Rogue "stealthed ahead" of the party while the party tried to drag a damaged cart from a marshy area. A giant snake head popped up from the mire next to him and he immediately Stabbed It! Four more similar heads popped up from the mire all around and he said, "... and for my bonus action I …" and I said, "Draw a roll of toilet paper."
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt
Fighter: "Don't act all 'holier-than-thou'." Paladin: "But I am holier than thou." Cleric: "I think I'm holier than both of thou." Rogue: "After that last fight, I've got more holes than any of you. Now please for the nth time, somebody heal me!"
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider. My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong. I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲 “It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
We have a kenku rogue that can only repeat words and sounds they've heard. I literally have no recollection of when our kenku heard this but their favorite distraction sound is specifically:
seductive neighing noises
We'll be in a tense situation and the rogue will sneak away and just "I make seductive neighing noises" before continuing to sneak to try and distract whoever needs distracting.
Fighter: "Don't act all 'holier-than-thou'." Paladin: "But I am holier than thou." Cleric: "I think I'm holier than both of thou." Rogue: "After that last fight, I've got more holes than any of you. Now please for the nth time, somebody heal me!"
This is great.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
Please check out my homebrew, I would appreciate feedback:
"Listen, the damage from a dagger is a lot less than what you'd get from the bow" - the rogue speaking OOC to the fighter, literal seconds before I rolled a Nat 20.
Rollback Post to RevisionRollBack
To post a comment, please login or register a new account.
I was wondering about a funny quote you heard in a dungeons and dragons campaign.
"you are now a smurf. level up."
"I WILL GO TO SPACE! And I will be a Hippo! The God of all Hippoes!"
Please check out my homebrew, I would appreciate feedback:
Spells, Monsters, Subclasses, Races, Arcknight Class, Occultist Class, World, Enigmatic Esoterica forms
"Wait. The Paladin who believes in the 'Sky Cow' doesn't believe in ghosts?!"
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
"You use chilly reception and He screams like a girl as he runs away to the plaza"
"Kill the Gazebo!"
Please check out my homebrew, I would appreciate feedback:
Spells, Monsters, Subclasses, Races, Arcknight Class, Occultist Class, World, Enigmatic Esoterica forms
I track and save my favorite quotes and puns (and killing blows and a couple other things) by my players for meta points they get to exchange ingame for certain rewards. (Ingame they're exchanged as "stories" to a traveling NPC who collects stories.) These are some of my favorites:
"He's not a zombie, he's fine. You can be fine without a soul."
my characters were in a tavern of thieves and one of them got pick-pocketed by one of the thieves but saw the thief but for some reason let the thief get away with it then i found out why the character went over and hid from the thief and stole back his gold and also all of the thief ill-gotten gains and missed one coin the thief looked around wildly and shouted "where'd all me gold go!?" and the character spotted the last coin and kicked the table tossing the coin in the air and caught it saying "I missed one." with a thick new-jersey accent
Our Tabaxi bard using Vicious Mockery: "You are being beaten by a literal p****!"
Gnome Artificer (me): "Do you all have lodging while you're in town?"
Tabaxi Bard: "I thought I was crashing on your couch!"
Bard: "I order a beer."
DM: "You're in elf country, so they mostly have light beer."
Me: "Turns out Elves exclusively drink Bud Lite!"
Bard: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Halfling Druid: "I try to find berries." (fails nature check)
DM: "You find a bear. He's hostile and you can't tame it. He attacks you." (Bear rolls nat 1 and hits herself in the face)
Druid: "I cast goodberry to heal the bear."
DM: "Wait, why would you-OH GOD NO!"
(10 seconds later)
DM: "You have a pet bear now."
Druid: "Before I name the bear, what's the bear's gender?"
DM: "Roll an animal handling check." (DM proceeds to look up pictures of... male bear genitalia prompting a lengthy detour)*
Me: "How was I supposed to know that attacking the monster would wake it up?!"
DM: (aggressively facepalms)
Me: (Insight checks a random secretary)
Also me: (fails)
DM: (whispering in my ear) "whisper whisper whisper whisper."
*Note: The druid did not actually have to roll to examine the bear's lower regions.
The best line came from me, the DM:
Upon being asked a question about the adventure: e.g. "Why did X just do Y? Why is X doing that at all?"
"Uh... I don't know? I would like to take the opportunity to remind you that I did not write this."
It came up a few times in Lost Mines of Phandelver.
Our Rogue "stealthed ahead" of the party while the party tried to drag a damaged cart from a marshy area. A giant snake head popped up from the mire next to him and he immediately Stabbed It! Four more similar heads popped up from the mire all around and he said, "... and for my bonus action I …" and I said, "Draw a roll of toilet paper."
Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt
Some funny OOC quotes from our group's Discord game.
In order: dwarven Cleric, half-orc Barbarian, woodelf Druid (me), half-elf Bard
*While playing a dairy-themed hafling ranger and crit-failing an Animal Handling check*
"Welp, I try to milk the owlbear"
Also, while playing a monk...
DM: "Congratualtions, you just punched a ghost to death"
Hombrew: Way of Wresting, Circle of Sacrifice
"Gavin, do not throw poop at that 4 armed monkey!"
"Wait! Dragons can talk?!?!" -This was said by a new player the first time he met a dragon, but he could speak Draconic, so?
Please check out my homebrew, I would appreciate feedback:
Spells, Monsters, Subclasses, Races, Arcknight Class, Occultist Class, World, Enigmatic Esoterica forms
"Hail and well met, my dude."
It came out of my mouth, and from there, a cavalcade of high fantasy-meets-Bill and Ted ensued for a minute.
Fighter: "Don't act all 'holier-than-thou'."
Paladin: "But I am holier than thou."
Cleric: "I think I'm holier than both of thou."
Rogue: "After that last fight, I've got more holes than any of you. Now please for the nth time, somebody heal me!"
Human. Male. Possibly. Don't be a divider.
My characters' backgrounds are written like instruction manuals rather than stories. My opinion and preferences don't mean you're wrong.
I am 99.7603% convinced that the digital dice are messing with me. I roll high when nobody's looking and low when anyone else can see.🎲
“It's a bit early to be thinking about an epitaph. No?” will be my epitaph.
We have a kenku rogue that can only repeat words and sounds they've heard. I literally have no recollection of when our kenku heard this but their favorite distraction sound is specifically:
seductive neighing noises
We'll be in a tense situation and the rogue will sneak away and just "I make seductive neighing noises" before continuing to sneak to try and distract whoever needs distracting.
Full of rice, beans, and bad ideas.
This is great.
Please check out my homebrew, I would appreciate feedback:
Spells, Monsters, Subclasses, Races, Arcknight Class, Occultist Class, World, Enigmatic Esoterica forms
"He was too late to spoon my uncle."
"I want to spoon the dragon."
"I want to steal the kid's face."
"Didn't Jeeves choke me with bread?"
"I can still shoot you in the head, I just won't add proficiency."
"Ducks and Darkham"
"They quiche kids into existence."
"Quiche golem."
"Ms. Lorraine Quiche is quite the snacc."
"I would like to establish trade from your pockets to mine."
"He's lust. With the kids."
"So, THE CONSUMER(tm) eats all the forks."
"Can I roll Strength(GTFO)?"
"You want 6 tentacles, not 3."
"More [the word for anime but nasty because DDB don't like that word] Doc Ocks. Great."
"I will consume your shoes."
I've got more.
"Ignorance is bliss, and you look absolutely miserable."
From the table I DM:
"Listen, the damage from a dagger is a lot less than what you'd get from the bow" - the rogue speaking OOC to the fighter, literal seconds before I rolled a Nat 20.