But everyone who plays with you thinks you suck.

I can know whatever someone was eating just by looking at them.

While they’re eating

I can regenerate 

But only when you do a funny dance 

I can transform into any animal

But leave your clothes behind

I have super speed

But if you run fast for 1 second, your body catches on fire.

I can breathe in space.

But not in a vacuum (so as to say that you can breathe where there is space, but not in the vacuum of space)

I am a mage

You have no magic.

I am a witch.

You live in Salem Massachusetts

I am immortal 

But you want to die. Badly.

I am a giant.

But you are so big, you crush the Earth and die in space.

I have x-ray vision.

You can see dead manta rays.

I can control the minds of drunk people, and make them force other people to get drunk, so that eventually I may have an army of drunks to conquer the world.

But then you get drunk and your hold on them ends, so they all turn on your and kill you in the worst way possible, they dunk you into a vat of cauliflower paste.

I can control day and night

But thats all you can control

I can sing 

Badly. Very badly. But you truly believe that you are the best singer in the world.

I can mute Yidri’s god-awful singing.

but when you do so, you imeadeatly begin singing ten times worse and lowder than him

I have a perfectly flawless hat

But it looks like a bald-cap to others.

I can actually find the perfect D&D party

But they only roll ones.

I can transform water into anything

But only inanimate objects

I can turn into anything in the cat family

But your now in the cat "family", aka the cat mafia.

I'm amphibious.

But also a frog, and you have a death wish, so you try jumping under everyone's shoes.

I can summon dice and always have good rolls...