But your clothes don't turn invisible with you, so everyone knows you're there anyway.

Super speed.

(Edit: Dang it! Ninja'ed again!)

For a squirrel somewhere 

I am worth more than Elon musk

*ninja'ed*

Only when you are on a plane.

I can never get ninja'ed...

Because you can never post.

I have invulnerable skin.

But nothing else. your nails and hair, your teeth and gums and eyes and all that are very vulnerable.#

I am immortal and invulnerable in every way.

Quote from EJODM18604 >>

But nothing else. your nails and hair, your teeth and gums and eyes and all that are very vulnerable.#

I am immortal and invulnerable in every way.

 Joke's on you: There's skin under the nails and hair. All I have to do is keep my eyes and mouth shut.

Your immortality is of the worst possible kind. You cannot die, but that just means that your soul is bound to your body, no matter what happens to it. Eventually you will be so old that your muscles stop working, at which point you will experience all the pain of death, without being able to die. Your immobile body will be buried (because everyone thinks you're dead), and your soul will be eternally trapped within the cramped confines of your coffin. Cold, dark, and alone forever.

I can talk with dogs.

But they constantly swear, and they hate you and constantly make fun of you and abuse you, and give you fake advice that seems real,  but then you end up embarrassing  yourself. then, once you realize they lie to you, they give you a piece of real advice that you ignore and end up missing the oppurtunity of a lifetime, and you die alone and depressed, constantly being taunted by the voice of the dogs. you can never tell anyone about it because they think you are crazy BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

I can make people be nice to each other.

By paying them millions of dollars (or the equivalent in your currency idk where you live)

I cannot be hurt by fire

but only when you're carrying a Barbie doll.

i can mind control

If they're less than a day old

I am DM of the universe, multiverse, and Forum-verse.

You are the Duck Man. the only duck man in the universe, multiverse, and forum-verse. You are half man, half duck, with the worst atributes of both. everyone is disturbed by you

I have complete controll over the electromagnetic force.

Since the many, many other characters in fiction with electromagnetic abilities have lost their powers, they hunt you down and murder you.

I can, once in my life, summon a completely normal, utterly ordinary DVD of the 2005 American romantic comedy Hitch starring Will Smith.

Afterwards, you die from realising you used up your superpower on something scratched, broken and utterly useless.

I cannot, and will not, ever, ever, ever rot in a grave like the rest of you. I also cannot die in any way conceivable or inconceivable or be buried alive or anything like that.

*NIJA'ED DAMN YOU MARKELL I WILL HAVE YOUR HEAD*

A spiky-haired New Yorker uses magic breathing and his own severed arm to trick you into being launched into space by a volcano. You are trapped in space forever.

All chip bags I open are completely full, instead of being half air.

But all the chips are broken into tiny bits because of the lack of air.

I can get advantage on all ability checks irl...

You are imprisoned in the SCP Foundation for your anomalous abilities.

I have the power to enjoy life a healthy amount.

With the use of antidepressants 

I have the power to never get sick due to viruses