I curl up and cry so the ë̵̢̛̺̱̤̗͓̺̦̥̝̲͒̓̆̂̌̏̓̿̄̒̇̈́̈̕͝ṉ̵̡̛̥̼͕̤̩̗̫̫̲͚̝͓̰̥̜̦̰͚̼̩̼̄͗̍͌̂̑̈̃͋̈́̄̀͌̏͐̈́͜͝ț̸̃̂̀́̑͑̾͝i̵͍̜̙͔̙̠̜̹͖̓̃̈͂̿̒̌̀͋̿̀̌̍͂̕͘͝ţ̵͍̩͕̦̆̈̆̄̊̈́̔͐̽͊͗͛̽́̅̿͒̊̂͐̀͂͆̂̚͘͝͝i̴̛̦̹̜͊̓̈̃̍͂͊̀̈́̀̎̿̀̈́̓̒͠e̶̡̪͖͖̗̱̥̮̘̦͎̞̗̼̙͎͔̲͓̜͚͙̥̻͍̻̙͑̈́͗̋͂͜ͅs̸̹̤̗̹̻͆ͅ pity me too much to kill me.

  An ogre is actively tearing your spine from your body.

I do not need it, for i am not in my body, for i am currently true polymorphed in the form of a ghost.

you are in a fight with a wizard who hid his soul inside of a needle inside of an egg inside a duck inside a hare inside an iron chest under a tree on an isolated island protected by magic. He cannot die as long as the needle is in the egg, and one of you must die. You are mortal.

I wait until the egg rots. I then clobber him repeatedly.

You are in the 9th layer of Avernus. You have just sold your soul and you are falling into lava. You are a mortal commoner armed with nothing, your arms and legs are cut off, you suffer from permanent paralysis, blindness, and deafness, you have no plot armor, you are not the DM, the genre is gritty realism, you are also vulnerable to fire damage do to being cursed, you have no levels, and everyone in the whole multiverse wants you to die.

I wake up (Is that cheating?)

You are attacked by 50 of every dnd monster.

Quote from OrionArm >>

I wake up (Is that cheating?)

 

You are attacked by 50 of every dnd monster.

 Oh, and they have 30 in all of their stats.

I rip my character sheet in half and leave. (Is that cheating?)

You are in the 9th layer of Avernus. You have just sold your soul and you are falling into lava. You are a mortal commoner armed with nothing, your arms and legs are cut off, you suffer from permanent paralysis, blindness, and deafness, you have no plot armor, you are not the DM, the genre is gritty realism, you are also vulnerable to fire damage do to being cursed, you have no levels, and everyone in the whole multiverse wants you to die. The DM will kill you in real life and your character will die if you leave. You are not dreaming this is real. Also 20 Tiamats are chasing you that are immune to any try of charming. Your stats are all one. Your HP is one. You automatically fail all death saves. If you move you take damage. If you don't move you take damage.

All creatures In the multiverse rush to my defense because I'm so nice.

You get your head chopped off.

I am literally playing as the headless horseman my guy is completely fine, he puts the pumpkin back on his head and leaves

You got you D&D beyond account hacked and there is no way to get it back or make a new one

I can survive without D&D Beyond

You get your limbs cut off with a lightsaber and are left to burn on a bank of lava

We already know how this is going down, no need for explainin'.

You are being forced into a suit after losing your limbs.

Nice, free prothstetics in exchange for my soul, now to become the most feared spelljammer conquest paladin the galaxy has ever seen

You are in a robot suit being electrocuted by your patron after having your robot hand(I think) lost to some young upstart redemption paladin (maybe it was just your honour after losing the fight)

I'm never truly dead, I literally show up as a ghost and enjoy the party

You have been cut in half with a lightsaber and thrown down a pit by a mere padawan

I survive because I don't know Star Trek references.

You have been impaled by Vlad the Impaler

I'm made out of adamintine.

You are in 2 pieces that are equally big

I rage! Halving my health means nothing!

You, including your soul, and your existence in the timeline, is entirely erased. You, by definition, cannot survive. Die die die. Die.

I didn’t exist in the first place and I have no soul.

you are being attacked by a death tyrant with a horde of thousands of zombies under a it’s command. You are a level 1 wizard.

I use shape water and prestidigitation abuse to defeat the tyrant, then slowly pick off the zombies.

You spontaneously combust. You are vulnerable to fire damage, and cannot resist, half, be immune to, or negate this infinite damage in any way.

I can’t, but my friend Bob puts out the fire with a bucket of water before I really catch fire

You are dying of Avada Kedavra

I have a horcrux

You eat a brick