Action 1: "Well, the trial could turn the pumpkin some enormous pumpkin beast that Demogoblin and I are stuck in's stomach. That sounds like an easy, sensible solution." Demogoblin wakes up from his nap as he hears this. "Why are you helping them? They're the prosecution. Never help the prosecution. You've been to court how many times?" "Over 43." "You're not helping. I'm your lawyer. Stop that. I don't wanna lose my career over this." "Well, if we don't follow 'the plan,' you'll be losing a bit more than your job." "What plan? I'm the lawyer. What's the plan?" "I'm working on it, but it involves a giant pumpkin monster... somehow. Okay, not really. The current plan is be less BORED. Reality is collapsing outside and I'm stuck in a pumpkin. Maybe I should collapse reality in here-" "Nope. Nope. We are not doing that." "Okay. I'll just do it myself." Before Demogoblin objects (maybe he used to be Phoenix Wright), the "wizard" reaches into his sleeve and produces a metal handkerchief with one end tied to another handkerchief with one end tied to another handkerchief with one end tied to another handkerchief with one end tied to another handkerchief with one end...
In some distant world, an idiot sits at his all-powerful light-interface. The idiot spam taps seemingly random buttons on his lettered grid, causing the symbols to appear on the plane of light. Eventually, the idiot's fingers seem to lull to sleep and begin typing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...
Power. Is that not what all seek? The power to create and destroy with a thought. Whole worlds clasped firmly in your hand. Fate. Determining the beginning, middle, and end of your story, of all stories. The allure of infinity weaved by you, for you. Endless life. Endless death. Endless endlessness, one may say. Going on forever. And ever. And ever. And ever. And ever. And...
The creature in the gray box cried out in fear. Outside, researchers coldly observed through a blue glass film as piercing lights cut away the creature's being, analyzing every atom, learning every structure, becoming one with it as the creature was lost in the box. The creature's skin burnt an imaginary fire, hurling the creature through endless agony. It screamed mercy as it felt itself being torn to shreds. Yet it lived. As its head howled to the sky, its wide, dying eyes saw an orange light within the murderous box. Whether real or not, the creature reached for this light, hoping, pleading. Suddenly, the pain stopped, the screaming ended. It stood in the box, numb of life, numb of emotion. The creature stared at the featureless gray surface in front of it, searching for weakness. With the lightest touch of the beast's arm, the door fell. The creature stepped out of the box and found itself in a gray hall filled with boxes. Looking to its left and right, it could see itself reflected over near endless times, gawking at other selves as they stared on to infinity. As the creature looked, it seemed to rekindle some light, and it reached out a terrible claw at the clone to its left. Blood erupted from every neck as the beasts gracefully fell to the floor. The researchers groaned as they watched. One of them spoke two words into a microphone. "Next experiment." And so they watched as beasts suffered and died, struggling to face itself. And the words continued to ring. "Next experiment." "Next experiment." "Next ex...
Back in the pumpkin, the weirdo stands with a ridiculously small safe in front of him. He finishes pouring the contents of his inventory into the safe and slams the door shut. He picks up the cube in one hand and rubs his fingers against the small, triangular etchings of merged steel. Demogoblin awakens again. His mind flashes through the dreams that were not his own and asks, "What was that?" The "wizard" smiles. "Infinity." The weirdo then seems startled himself. He seems to ponder something for a moment. "No, that definitely sounded too cool to come out of my mouth. In all honesty, that was-" "Nope, you ruined it. I'm your lawyer. I do the talking." "But your jokes are never funny!" "And your's are?" "OBVIOUSLY!"
Action 2: "Okay, back to the checklist. Next up is... the houseplant!" The "wizard" reaches into his sleeves and pulls out a watch. He slams the face of it against his wrist and it shatters. A beam of light erupts from the watch. His fingers dart into the watch and yank out a Spanish Bayonet! Except, for some reason, it isn't gun shaped. Instead, it's some spiky bush. Really, think of a spiked mace, get rid of the handle, switch the spikes for pointy leaves, and there it is: The Spanish Bayonet, also known as the Small Soapweed or Beargrass. "I'm done now, right? I don't have to explain anything." Demogoblin raises his hand like a preschooler. "What Demogoblin? Do you really wanna know how I found this? Fine..."
The weirdo walked through the land that the natives called Agraria. It really seemed more like an empty field, but he couldn't judge. For him, every porta-potty is an Abyssal Storage Unit. He roamed the field and was struck with BOREDOM. He reaches into the back of his shirt and pulls out a giant scythe. He slams it down into the ground. Neat, parallel lines of earth depress into the ground across the vast plain. Then, with the flick of his wrist, seeds burst out of his sleeves, landing in the perfect rows of tilled dirt. He cups his hands in front of his mouth and breathes into them, creating a small puff of smoke. He snarls and spits into his hands and the smoke becomes a cloud. He shouts the word, "BIG!" as he allows the cloud to rise into the air. Suddenly, a giant purple cat on a frog hops across the land, frog slobber spilling out of its mouth. As the cat disappears, so does the cloud. "Farming. Its as easy as that."
Cut to a month later. The crops have steadily begun to grow. The weirdo strolls through his land. He wears an overly ironic pair of suspenders and holds a pitchfork in his hand. As he walks through his neat, uniform rows of corn, he notices a small thorn poking out through the center of the middle row. He approaches and comes in first contact with Beargrass. "Stupid weed. The giant toad must have dropped it here. Not to worry..." The "wizard" pulls out a pair of loppers and cuts the plant's base off. He plucks the spiky head of the plant off and flings it up, sending it flying out of Agraria.
A week later, the "wizard" struts through the nearby market in the town of Airarga. He notices that the townspeople are watching him with un-trusting eyes. As the tension seems to build and the weirdo prepares to use kung-fu, tiakwando, and a few other scary sounding words. Then, a man with a patch over one of his eyes and a bunch of red dots covering his face. The merchant yells, "I bet you're happy with your flying death balls FREAK! I'll kill you for this!" The merchant holds up the Spanish Musket head. Immediately, the "wizard" begins to apologize. However, the one-eyed man chucks the Small Soapweed head at him. Quickly, the weirdo whips out a handful of ashes and blows them at the charging plant, causing a great plume of flame to engulf the plant. The head disappears in the smoke. The merchant curses the weirdo under his breath as the "wizard" makes his escape.
Back in Agraria, the "wizard" paces through his field, trying to think of the best present he could give the one-eyed merchant. He is stuck between giving the man either a musket, a mace, or a pack of seeds. For some reason, none of these sound like good options. He walks past the dead center of his field and spots a new Small Soapweed sprouted from the roots of the old one. "You'd better be happy. Because of you, I have to be nice. What does it even mean to be nice!? Now get out of my field." The plant has no legs, so it does not budge. "Fine, we'll do this the hard way. I killed your friend like this. Let's see how you fare." In his left hand, a small sphere of fire burns. He gets in a professional pitcher's stance, takes a step to get a good zing, and steps on the Spanish Musket. His foot throbs with pain as the plant knocks him off balance, causing him to toss the fireball into his field. A stalk of corn is struck by the ball, causing it to light. A small breeze blows through the field and the stalk leans over, catching fire to another. This cycle continues as the "wizard" recovers from stabbing his foot. "No! Come on! You must be really happy, plant." He forms another fireball in his hand and burns it to a crisp.
The next day, the "wizard" is back in Airarga, hoping to find a more fireproof crop to replace the whole field he just lost. As he avoids threatening glances, he notices small, spiked bushes popping up all over the place. He asks one of the friendlier looking merchants what they are. The merchant answers, "Well, you see, that show you did with the fire the other day caused these things to spread out a bit over the market. None of the merchants quite mind. I think they're planning on building a catapult to launch them at your property." The "wizard is filled with immediate regret, both for not thinking of using the plant as catapult ammo sooner and for the more pressing concern. He teleports back to his field in Agraria and finds his whole field covered in the plants. Enraged, the "wizard" lifts his hand, sending a wave of force across the spiky field. The plants are torn from the dirt, their roots dangling in the air. The "wizard" snaps, cutting their population in half causing the plants to explode into each other. Plant guts fly everywhere, but are quickly picked up by the "wizard's" magic and thrown back into the mess. In the end, a single plant remains barely intact. The "wizard" contemplates how best to kill it, but decides to keep it. He pulls a small watch out of his sleeves. He carefully shoves the plant into the comically small opening, forcing it into a pocket watch dimension. He then realizes that plants need light, so he chucks a flashlight in and turns it on. After dealing with that, he has an entire field full of plant guts left. He decides that he is tired of farming and leaves it there, wanting to instead pursue blacksmithing or glassblowing.
"There," the weirdo announces as he finishes his story, "that's how I found it. Are you happy Demogoblin?" "No. I wanted to know its purpose in this trial." "Oh, um... I'll get back to you on that." He throws the plant in his new safe.
Action 3: "Let's see... next is meditating. Ugh... Anything else to do?" The "wizard" looks through his scroll and spots something new. "Hey! The Healing Salts are getting a website! Finally, I can use my viral influence to help out." He takes out his pumpkin camera (which works on strange pumpkin light refraction. The images are a bit orangey, but otherwise working fine). He turns it on and begins. "Hello hello. Welcome to Cooking with Kookoo! Today, we will be using healing salts in a delicious dish. I call it... Healing Salts. Really, these things are so good, you don't even need to prepare them. Just eat them, and you'll he in Heaven- NO! No. Poor choice of words. You'll feel amazing. Watch." He produces a healing salt out of his pocket (no idea if its the right one, but the target audience is not geologists, so who cares?). He then proceeds to shove it in his mouth (can't be bothered to actually learn how healing salts work). He then immediately begins to cough and sneeze, being slowly choked by the rock he just ingested. Somehow, through his clogged throat, he manages to say, "See, the coughing is just me expelling the sickness from my lungs." He pumps his chest a couple of times and spits the healing salt out. Gasping for air, he adds, "It's great! Now, that doesn't show the salt's true potential. You need to be injured to watch the magic." He pulls out a knife and stabs himself in the chest. He immediately falls to the floor as red liquid spills from his t-shirt. He places the healing salt in his mouth and begins coughing again. Demogoblin looks up from his nap and has the tact to tilt the camera down to film the moment of his client's death, ready to sue Healing Salt Inc. (or whatever its called). However, the "wizard" somehow manages to shoot the salt out of his mouth and pops to his feet, red still dripping from his wound. He tilts the camera up to see him and says, "See! I feel good as new. Might not look the part, but hey, that's what beauty salts are for. I bet they'll release those sometime. That's all for today's episode. Next time, our ratings will rise to ultimate glory with my ultimate dish! Until then, thanks for watching good... night? I hope." The weirdo flips the camera off and pulls the knife out of his chest. He then proceeds to reach into his shirt and pull out about a dozen ketchup packets. "You know," Demogoblin adds, "red food coloring works better for-" "I know. But our food budget in here is Apocalypse, not 3-Star restaurant. These were all I had on hand." "Can't you just magic those up out of thin air?" The weirdo doesn't respond as he logs onto his pumpkin computer and uploads the video to TuTubo and the new Healing Salt online shop.
ACTION 3: Looks like O-R-I-G-I-N- is having a good time in his pumpkin-snail-prison-pumpkin house thingy. I guess I should help out with that!
A parcel labelled 'Evidence - for O-R-I-G-I-N-' lands at the feet of the pumpkin snails. The pumpkin snails, deducing (quite quickly) that the evidence needs to go to O-R-I-G-I-N-, sends it into the pumpkin-snail-prison-pumpkin house thingy (PSPP for short).
When the parcel teleports and splits open on the floor of the PSPP, it reveals a book labelled, '5 Million Poutine Recipes', along with a business card with the names and numbers of several good lawyers printed on it.
Action 1: I decide it might be a good idea to heal up some more. I go to look up healing potion recipes, but my phone is dead. I decide to just wing it and look for anything that might have some sort of good effect. By the end of the action I have found:
- Some stray poutine
- A bit of extra tomato sauce/Flying Spaghetti Monster milk
- A piece of skin that seems to have come from O_R_I_G_I_N_’s healed/heeled heel
- A small piece of gold from a golden sword
- A salted pumpkin snail
- Some healing salts
- And a partridge in a toast tree
Action 2: I mix the poutine, tomato sauce, heel skin, snail, and healing salts together, then put them in a blender. After that, I crush the gold and add it to the mixture. Finally, I put the pigeon in the bowl and let it sit there until the end of Action 3.
Action 3: I cast a modified version of Animate Object on another golden sword to turn it into a part of the animated sword. The swords aren’t attached to each other, but they share the same soul. I then take the partridge out of the bowl and drink the potion despite not knowing what it’ll do. It has a faint taste of partridge droppings. In other words, it’s delicious!
Edit: Forgot to give orders. One Punch Pigman, punch the Chimera’s mask! Elephant, charge at Trump! Swords, assassinate assassins!
ENTITY ACTIONS: I command the Darkness to cut up Poutine.
ACTION 1: With my knowledge of the Wall's exact makeup (due to it being my entity that transformed), I shoot an explosive arrow at each of the weak points in its mortar. Then, I press the detonation button, and the mortar explodes, leaving the Wall crumbling and unsteady.
ACTION (Charge) 2: The bicyclic lifeform in stasis tumbles out of stasis, with its bicyclic legs unfolding tyres and its tyre head manifesting one eye.
Bicyclops: 8/10
The Darkness will listen to your Request. You successfully destroy every part that was there when your entity initially turned into the Wall, doing 45 damage! The additions, though, you don't have a clue about. charge continued!
Huh, slice dimensions... that sounds useful. I am gonna take that. I summon a 2-way portal. One of them is next to me, the other one cuts off the claw from the arm. I grab the claw out of the portal next to me and slice open a pathway to the semiplane of cakes. I could get used to this. Entities collect rocks. Toasterboy watches the toast, Mask helps defend my base against potential attackers. I create the Rock overseer, which is supposed to oversee my entities to ensure they stay loyal.
You summon a portal, but the Chimera steps heavily to the side, dodging before your portal can fully form! Orders given. the rock overseer... wait, if it oversees your entities, who oversees it? anyway, it now exists.
The orisons to Joseph grow in intensity, with fire and brimstone falling from a 3' squared area in the sky. It isn't really very much, but it's a sign.
("O almighty Joseph, he who is not to be named, your wish is my command! Tell me more of these heretical blasphemers, so I may erase them from the face of reality!")
Joe ritual: 14/50
Skeltal order: put some Neosporin in the ship's wounds, and try and halt the bleeding.
He who cannot be named tells you they are a small sect, no more then 12 worshippers, located in the river delta to the southwest. mushroom-shaped houses, he mentions- can't miss'm! Orders given.
I set up an online shop for my pyramid scheme of healing salts. Let the shilling begin.
You increase the pyramid scheme's scale!...nobody but other players has internet access. good try, though!
Suddenly, the Empty Chimera accelerates, its three-jointed leg straightening in an instant and sending it flying forwards! Most of your entities are too surprised to act- but the Mask of Hungry Visitation, an Eishalon originally, asks twice, and one of the actions is mid-round! They dash around, rushing to interpose themselves between Hunger For Eggs On Toast and the foes path, when the Empty Chimera grins at them, mask shining. It's pure white, and that makes it the opposite, the opposite, of what but the mask of Hesitation's mask, a black mask, not the same shape but so similar, holes for mouths and eyes for sight are holes in sight and blank mouths, a bland smile shining out instead of a spiked circle pointing ever-inward, dozens of colors shining through the eyes and nothing at all upon the mask, because the purity overwhelms all else. The masks bland smile is darkened by shadow, but even then it's the same, always the same in every way and unchanging, unchangeable, and ever-more eternal. Far more eternal then its opposition, for the Mask of Hesitation no longer is. It fell to circumstances. but this mask... no, it won't. With a Start, the Mask of Hesitation realizes it stopped, but it's too late- the Empty Chimera already arrived, and the Mask is awkwardly off to the side instead of in the way. The Clawed hand comes forwards, blades all converging to a point as it closes into a sort of non-fist, slicing cleanly into Hunger for Eggs on Toast's flesh before yanking back out. As they stumble forwards, the shadow arm converges into a dripping spike, ready for them to fall onto, and before they can right themselves, the Slender arm yanks their head straight down, causing the spike to rip a long line of torn flesh along their body before tossing them aside. Hunger for Eggs on Toast from Mediocre Wounds to Significant Wounds (the level between Serious and Critical)!
Action 1: "Well, the trial could turn the pumpkin some enormous pumpkin beast that Demogoblin and I are stuck in's stomach. That sounds like an easy, sensible solution." Demogoblin wakes up from his nap as he hears this. "Why are you helping them? They're the prosecution. Never help the prosecution. You've been to court how many times?" "Over 43." "You're not helping. I'm your lawyer. Stop that. I don't wanna lose my career over this." "Well, if we don't follow 'the plan,' you'll be losing a bit more than your job." "What plan? I'm the lawyer. What's the plan?" "I'm working on it, but it involves a giant pumpkin monster... somehow. Okay, not really. The current plan is be less BORED. Reality is collapsing outside and I'm stuck in a pumpkin. Maybe I should collapse reality in here-" "Nope. Nope. We are not doing that." "Okay. I'll just do it myself." Before Demogoblin objects (maybe he used to be Phoenix Wright), the "wizard" reaches into his sleeve and produces a metal handkerchief with one end tied to another handkerchief with one end tied to another handkerchief with one end tied to another handkerchief with one end tied to another handkerchief with one end...
In some distant world, an idiot sits at his all-powerful light-interface. The idiot spam taps seemingly random buttons on his lettered grid, causing the symbols to appear on the plane of light. Eventually, the idiot's fingers seem to lull to sleep and begin typing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...
Power. Is that not what all seek? The power to create and destroy with a thought. Whole worlds clasped firmly in your hand. Fate. Determining the beginning, middle, and end of your story, of all stories. The allure of infinity weaved by you, for you. Endless life. Endless death. Endless endlessness, one may say. Going on forever. And ever. And ever. And ever. And ever. And...
The creature in the gray box cried out in fear. Outside, researchers coldly observed through a blue glass film as piercing lights cut away the creature's being, analyzing every atom, learning every structure, becoming one with it as the creature was lost in the box. The creature's skin burnt an imaginary fire, hurling the creature through endless agony. It screamed mercy as it felt itself being torn to shreds. Yet it lived. As its head howled to the sky, its wide, dying eyes saw an orange light within the murderous box. Whether real or not, the creature reached for this light, hoping, pleading. Suddenly, the pain stopped, the screaming ended. It stood in the box, numb of life, numb of emotion. The creature stared at the featureless gray surface in front of it, searching for weakness. With the lightest touch of the beast's arm, the door fell. The creature stepped out of the box and found itself in a gray hall filled with boxes. Looking to its left and right, it could see itself reflected over near endless times, gawking at other selves as they stared on to infinity. As the creature looked, it seemed to rekindle some light, and it reached out a terrible claw at the clone to its left. Blood erupted from every neck as the beasts gracefully fell to the floor. The researchers groaned as they watched. One of them spoke two words into a microphone. "Next experiment." And so they watched as beasts suffered and died, struggling to face itself. And the words continued to ring. "Next experiment." "Next experiment." "Next ex...
Back in the pumpkin, the weirdo stands with a ridiculously small safe in front of him. He finishes pouring the contents of his inventory into the safe and slams the door shut. He picks up the cube in one hand and rubs his fingers against the small, triangular etchings of merged steel. Demogoblin awakens again. His mind flashes through the dreams that were not his own and asks, "What was that?" The "wizard" smiles. "Infinity." The weirdo then seems startled himself. He seems to ponder something for a moment. "No, that definitely sounded too cool to come out of my mouth. In all honesty, that was-" "Nope, you ruined it. I'm your lawyer. I do the talking." "But your jokes are never funny!" "And your's are?" "OBVIOUSLY!"
Action 2: "Okay, back to the checklist. Next up is... the houseplant!" The "wizard" reaches into his sleeves and pulls out a watch. He slams the face of it against his wrist and it shatters. A beam of light erupts from the watch. His fingers dart into the watch and yank out a Spanish Bayonet! Except, for some reason, it isn't gun shaped. Instead, it's some spiky bush. Really, think of a spiked mace, get rid of the handle, switch the spikes for pointy leaves, and there it is: The Spanish Bayonet, also known as the Small Soapweed or Beargrass. "I'm done now, right? I don't have to explain anything." Demogoblin raises his hand like a preschooler. "What Demogoblin? Do you really wanna know how I found this? Fine..."
The weirdo walked through the land that the natives called Agraria. It really seemed more like an empty field, but he couldn't judge. For him, every porta-potty is an Abyssal Storage Unit. He roamed the field and was struck with BOREDOM. He reaches into the back of his shirt and pulls out a giant scythe. He slams it down into the ground. Neat, parallel lines of earth depress into the ground across the vast plain. Then, with the flick of his wrist, seeds burst out of his sleeves, landing in the perfect rows of tilled dirt. He cups his hands in front of his mouth and breathes into them, creating a small puff of smoke. He snarls and spits into his hands and the smoke becomes a cloud. He shouts the word, "BIG!" as he allows the cloud to rise into the air. Suddenly, a giant purple cat on a frog hops across the land, frog slobber spilling out of its mouth. As the cat disappears, so does the cloud. "Farming. Its as easy as that."
Cut to a month later. The crops have steadily begun to grow. The weirdo strolls through his land. He wears an overly ironic pair of suspenders and holds a pitchfork in his hand. As he walks through his neat, uniform rows of corn, he notices a small thorn poking out through the center of the middle row. He approaches and comes in first contact with Beargrass. "Stupid weed. The giant toad must have dropped it here. Not to worry..." The "wizard" pulls out a pair of loppers and cuts the plant's base off. He plucks the spiky head of the plant off and flings it up, sending it flying out of Agraria.
A week later, the "wizard" struts through the nearby market in the town of Airarga. He notices that the townspeople are watching him with un-trusting eyes. As the tension seems to build and the weirdo prepares to use kung-fu, tiakwando, and a few other scary sounding words. Then, a man with a patch over one of his eyes and a bunch of red dots covering his face. The merchant yells, "I bet you're happy with your flying death balls FREAK! I'll kill you for this!" The merchant holds up the Spanish Musket head. Immediately, the "wizard" begins to apologize. However, the one-eyed man chucks the Small Soapweed head at him. Quickly, the weirdo whips out a handful of ashes and blows them at the charging plant, causing a great plume of flame to engulf the plant. The head disappears in the smoke. The merchant curses the weirdo under his breath as the "wizard" makes his escape.
Back in Agraria, the "wizard" paces through his field, trying to think of the best present he could give the one-eyed merchant. He is stuck between giving the man either a musket, a mace, or a pack of seeds. For some reason, none of these sound like good options. He walks past the dead center of his field and spots a new Small Soapweed sprouted from the roots of the old one. "You'd better be happy. Because of you, I have to be nice. What does it even mean to be nice!? Now get out of my field." The plant has no legs, so it does not budge. "Fine, we'll do this the hard way. I killed your friend like this. Let's see how you fare." In his left hand, a small sphere of fire burns. He gets in a professional pitcher's stance, takes a step to get a good zing, and steps on the Spanish Musket. His foot throbs with pain as the plant knocks him off balance, causing him to toss the fireball into his field. A stalk of corn is struck by the ball, causing it to light. A small breeze blows through the field and the stalk leans over, catching fire to another. This cycle continues as the "wizard" recovers from stabbing his foot. "No! Come on! You must be really happy, plant." He forms another fireball in his hand and burns it to a crisp.
The next day, the "wizard" is back in Airarga, hoping to find a more fireproof crop to replace the whole field he just lost. As he avoids threatening glances, he notices small, spiked bushes popping up all over the place. He asks one of the friendlier looking merchants what they are. The merchant answers, "Well, you see, that show you did with the fire the other day caused these things to spread out a bit over the market. None of the merchants quite mind. I think they're planning on building a catapult to launch them at your property." The "wizard is filled with immediate regret, both for not thinking of using the plant as catapult ammo sooner and for the more pressing concern. He teleports back to his field in Agraria and finds his whole field covered in the plants. Enraged, the "wizard" lifts his hand, sending a wave of force across the spiky field. The plants are torn from the dirt, their roots dangling in the air. The "wizard" snaps, cutting their population in half causing the plants to explode into each other. Plant guts fly everywhere, but are quickly picked up by the "wizard's" magic and thrown back into the mess. In the end, a single plant remains barely intact. The "wizard" contemplates how best to kill it, but decides to keep it. He pulls a small watch out of his sleeves. He carefully shoves the plant into the comically small opening, forcing it into a pocket watch dimension. He then realizes that plants need light, so he chucks a flashlight in and turns it on. After dealing with that, he has an entire field full of plant guts left. He decides that he is tired of farming and leaves it there, wanting to instead pursue blacksmithing or glassblowing.
"There," the weirdo announces as he finishes his story, "that's how I found it. Are you happy Demogoblin?" "No. I wanted to know its purpose in this trial." "Oh, um... I'll get back to you on that." He throws the plant in his new safe.
Action 3: "Let's see... next is meditating. Ugh... Anything else to do?" The "wizard" looks through his scroll and spots something new. "Hey! The Healing Salts are getting a website! Finally, I can use my viral influence to help out." He takes out his pumpkin camera (which works on strange pumpkin light refraction. The images are a bit orangey, but otherwise working fine). He turns it on and begins. "Hello hello. Welcome to Cooking with Kookoo! Today, we will be using healing salts in a delicious dish. I call it... Healing Salts. Really, these things are so good, you don't even need to prepare them. Just eat them, and you'll he in Heaven- NO! No. Poor choice of words. You'll feel amazing. Watch." He produces a healing salt out of his pocket (no idea if its the right one, but the target audience is not geologists, so who cares?). He then proceeds to shove it in his mouth (can't be bothered to actually learn how healing salts work). He then immediately begins to cough and sneeze, being slowly choked by the rock he just ingested. Somehow, through his clogged throat, he manages to say, "See, the coughing is just me expelling the sickness from my lungs." He pumps his chest a couple of times and spits the healing salt out. Gasping for air, he adds, "It's great! Now, that doesn't show the salt's true potential. You need to be injured to watch the magic." He pulls out a knife and stabs himself in the chest. He immediately falls to the floor as red liquid spills from his t-shirt. He places the healing salt in his mouth and begins coughing again. Demogoblin looks up from his nap and has the tact to tilt the camera down to film the moment of his client's death, ready to sue Healing Salt Inc. (or whatever its called). However, the "wizard" somehow manages to shoot the salt out of his mouth and pops to his feet, red still dripping from his wound. He tilts the camera up to see him and says, "See! I feel good as new. Might not look the part, but hey, that's what beauty salts are for. I bet they'll release those sometime. That's all for today's episode. Next time, our ratings will rise to ultimate glory with my ultimate dish! Until then, thanks for watching good... night? I hope." The weirdo flips the camera off and pulls the knife out of his chest. He then proceeds to reach into his shirt and pull out about a dozen ketchup packets. "You know," Demogoblin adds, "red food coloring works better for-" "I know. But our food budget in here is Apocalypse, not 3-Star restaurant. These were all I had on hand." "Can't you just magic those up out of thin air?" The weirdo doesn't respond as he logs onto his pumpkin computer and uploads the video to TuTubo and the new Healing Salt online shop.
You put all your stuff, plus a spiked ball with leaves for spikes, in a safe!...? Then, you work hard on advertising Healing Salt to your considerable and not even a little imaginary legions of fans!
ACTION 3: Looks like O-R-I-G-I-N- is having a good time in his pumpkin-snail-prison-pumpkin house thingy. I guess I should help out with that!
A parcel labelled 'Evidence - for O-R-I-G-I-N-' lands at the feet of the pumpkin snails. The pumpkin snails, deducing (quite quickly) that the evidence needs to go to O-R-I-G-I-N-, sends it into the pumpkin-snail-prison-pumpkin house thingy (PSPP for short).
When the parcel teleports and splits open on the floor of the PSPP, it reveals a book labelled, '5 Million Poutine Recipes', along with a business card with the names and numbers of several good lawyers printed on it.
You give the Weirdo a list of 5,000,000 Poutine recipes! (the Demogoblin probably incinerates the lawyer list before the Weirdo can see it, but that's just a guess.)
Action 1: I decide it might be a good idea to heal up some more. I go to look up healing potion recipes, but my phone is dead. I decide to just wing it and look for anything that might have some sort of good effect. By the end of the action I have found:
- Some stray poutine
- A bit of extra tomato sauce/Flying Spaghetti Monster milk
- A piece of skin that seems to have come from O_R_I_G_I_N_’s healed/heeled heel
- A small piece of gold from a golden sword
- A salted pumpkin snail
- Some healing salts
- And a partridge in a toast tree
Action 2: I mix the poutine, tomato sauce, heel skin, snail, and healing salts together, then put them in a blender. After that, I crush the gold and add it to the mixture. Finally, I put the pigeon in the bowl and let it sit there until the end of Action 3.
Action 3: I cast a modified version of Animate Object on another golden sword to turn it into a part of the animated sword. The swords aren’t attached to each other, but they share the same soul. I then take the partridge out of the bowl and drink the potion despite not knowing what it’ll do. It has a faint taste of partridge droppings. In other words, it’s delicious!
You manage to heal yourself all the way to Minor wounds! The Golden sword also gains 5 more HP and a second roll to determine Assassinate chargeup(it picks the lowest of its results)! Steve manages to block some of the bleeding, but due to him not being healing during that time, the Squidship's health still drops by 4. the mask gathers 7 rocks! The Pelicans keep gather rocks! so do the crabs! From the Ruins of the windmill rises a monsterous thing. not so monsterous as the chimera, but more so then a human. Spindly limbs of metal hold it up, all angles and sharpness, while the 'spine' is stooped and flimsy. Its movement is a sound of metal-against-metal. but it does not speak. Tree is Tree! toaster Toasts! boy wait! Chicken be! bunker exist! The Golden Sword watches for opportunities... The one punch pigmen is dead! the Elephant, having not been told to use any of its IDMT's on this, only does 4 damage to the wall, because that's the vast majority of its power. the Elephant, having no orders, idles. the Chicken warms its eggs up more. The Darkness given Form advances on Poutine, which responds by throwing up dozens of similar-looking collections of Poutine to distract. Undeterred, the Darkness's arm screams through the air, a blade of shadow slashing through each copy, before a final thrust tears into Poutine themself. With all the effort wasted, though, it only does 6 damage (and negates Poutine's action). The Pumpkin snails come to a decision. the Weirdo finds the Pumpkin around them shifting... shifting into a new, unusually large, pumpkin snail! its immune system seems curious, but not hostile yet. the Assassins keep sulking around. nobody understands them... Trump spends some Dosh to have Awakened Rocks forged into his Wall, giving it the Awakened capability indirectly! it also heals 10 HP. Poutine acted earlier. And so did the Empty Chimera, though it looks around and selects its next target- The Interdimensional Elephant.
Battlefield.
[A-naturewriter] Terror Pants 127/200 HP (Bulletstorm, Spray and pray, machine gun, rockets, The big gun(locked on: None).). towering outside shopkeeper emporium. [A-naturewriter]Flying Spageti monster 32/55 HP 20 A/-15 A. in shopkeeper emporium to fight the Displacer...? [OG-Acerak] Steve 43/25 HP, 0.5 Dig||Magic!A (Tunnel: 20.5/20) [OG-Moose/Acerak] Squidship of the Meese. 2/30 HP, In constant pain, a method of transport. 4A. [OG-Shard-Shard-Hunger For Eggs on Toast] Eishalon III: Mask of Hungry Visitation for Eggs on Toast (75% accuracy. can hit enemies by accident. stuck to HV. Mask instarepairs. ) 0/3 Energy Diamonds, 0 Awakening integrity (depleted) BUFF. [ OG-srovy?] Kittenish Pelican 66 rocks, on HfEoT's head. awakened (9/9 integrity) , awake. Earth Pelican 62 rocks, rock suit. O look the pelican. on the kitten on HfEoT's head. ( 1/8 integrity) Rock Crabs 31 Rocks x6 [OG-Hunger(y) for Eggs on Toast]Toast Tree, 10/10 HP, Awakened(23/23 integrity), 2 toast.(+(1d2)d2 -1 toast/r) Intolerance Defence! Toaster 30/30 HP. Toasting Toast II Toasterboy 13 Rocks. Awakened (0/30 integrity) Stone chicken 43+!^ Rocks. fed. processing food II. is a stone chicken. Awakened(0/26 integrity) Bunker (surrounding Pantheon) 45 Rocks. Launcher (launches rocks.) Awakened(30/30 integrity) [OG?-Arjan] Toast Pantheon 20/20 HP, immune to mold, surrounding tree. (awakened, 25/25 integrity) Turrets 1x4 HP 1x4A, (awakened 25/25 integrity) [OG-TheGreatOne] Golden Sword 10/10 HP, 1/1d8: Assassinate. Pyramid Pigmen 1x7 hp, scheme exaggeration A!x7 Inter-Dimensional Elephant 200/200 HP, 2 IDMT(+1/R),Healthful Hygene, . Waluigi has left the premises. Waluigi Thyme! [AG-Shard II]Eishalon II - Manifest Of Folly Some people know exactly what's going on, until they don't. the Eishalon may have been one of those... fryer, fryer, corpse on fi-er. [OG-naturewriter] Cosmic Monolith 46/100 HP 75% dodge chance. Dark Pulse(65) Antimatter(25x3) Flash (?) 4/4 Doomsday. in shopkeeper emporium to fight the Displacer...? [OG-Bardymcbardyface] Astral Plane Chicken 150/150 HP 10A, lays eggs! Perceptive Potential. in Shopkeep shop in a Colosseum! Egg(x1d2 to 3+1d2) 20/20 HP (fostered III, Nurtured III. Warmed IV. any new ones lack these buffs but all have +1 fostered, +1 Warmed) [OG-SmartTJ]Pigmen 1x12 hp, horde agro, (int)(0.25x12)atk. [OG-LyricsDusk*] Some Dosh. [All Hallows Eve-Lyricsdusk] Darkness given Form 50/50 HP 20A, blades of abyss,lightless onslaught. Darkness Given Soul ✦✦✦✦✦ SP, and something crawled out, but a hateful mirror. Darkness with purpose. •••••. heritage of the black star and the reign of none. [OG] faithful Dog 200/100HP -33 to incoming damage! Solid diamond Deal with the Godmodder [C] Nether Portal 10 HP, 11 resistance. active! Pumpkin Snails! 15x6 HP Pumpkin!A [AG] Assorted Assassins, 14x3 HP, 40% dodge. Poisoned: -1 HP/r! 6/1d8 : Assassinate. [AG]Trump 50/50 HP. has hella dosh. is being payed even hella-er dosh. has 28 Awakened rocks. 4/4 for Namesake. The Wall 111/20 HP, Guard Trump...and Poutine!!!!!A Awakened (25/25 integrity) Poutine, 62 HP. +4 HP/turn. Is made of fries, cheese, and gravy. 1/4 What's Gravy even made of?. [WAAAAAAAAA]Waluigi, Pristine physical condition. Capable Celebrity Chin. WAAA worthy wonderosity. Unbelievable Uvula. Glorious Golf club. Tremendous Tennis racket. Beautiful Badminton Bombarder and Buffness. Amazing Action Abilities. Spectacularly sizeable Slacks. King-worthy kitchen of Kooking. WALUIGI HAS LEFT THIS LOCATION WITH ALL OF ITS... LUIGIS. IT IS TIME. WALUIGI THYME. AND WALUIGI THYME WAITS FOR GNOME ANN! [AG]100, 100% HP, item in 4%! leaving in 3! Numerology!A, 2,004 total HP! In stasis due to seasonal event! Mechanical Monster 35/35 HP, 50% dodge, Sharpened limbs. [All Hallows Eve] Empty Chimera. Slender Arm- Blemished. Draggingarm- Pristine. Claws- Razor Sharp. Shadow Tendril- Dripping. Legs- Duo. Mask- Splintered porcelain- white. ???, ???, ???.
[GM] Godmodder: 272 /300 HP 1/4 dimensionality, has rock snake (corpse?). Maintaining Empty Chimera. currently immune to attack. Hunger For Eggs On Toast: Founder, 66% skill. Owns a Unique'Magic Factory', Needs stuff he doesn't have. like FLEX TAP? woodworking skill which is not the same thing as cutting down trees: sufficient+. 1C.AC. Stuck to Mask of Hungresitation. Rock Mask, 97 rocks,23 cakes , Gathering Pickaxe FAICE!, Stone Rose, Is a fusion of Hungry Visitor and Srovy (6 actions! Actions must be self-consistent! Potential power boost. or not. more resistant to attack!) Awakened by HV (Tier 0.6 / 2), depleted. on battlefield. has several voidshards (~5). Completely untrustworthy. Ridiculous Wounds. Significant Wounds. pretty buff. has protected 14 Er... . Aeisenberg: with Phil swift, but not in the update room! rapier (minor attack buff)... +1?, Favour of the Deva, Coronal Relic (cyan), Awakened by HV (Tier 0.6), Probably Not a Martian. OrcalordBeyond: On battlefield, is a god which is possessing an air elemental which has turned into a offbrand flex sealed old yellow fire-breath animal and is flying. in Paradox Tennis (If an update passes between their post and the next P.tennis one, they can post in the main dop too.) Dracoflamer: on battlefield, probably(?)! deserves to be remembered forever. f'real. Cannot exhaust or over-strain muscles. ADrunkenDwarf: hand cut! Large Voidshard- sharp. 4 unknown objects(radiating bits of magic every so often), 6 practical joke implements. Yellow Eishalon Mask (5.7) - Storms Squire II, Thunder Twitches I, 𝔇𝔯𝔞𝔠𝔬𝔫𝔦𝔠 𝔇ominance VI (Draconic Dominance.). SirNatureWriter: just check their sector. shiny, !shiny! scrap metal, 2070ish? bottles of Restricted Godmodder energy. isn't currently being a shopkeeper. Book from the Globglogabgalab's set (Animated). Acerak the Eternal. <Garfield the Tabaxi: Reviled by Globglogabgalab! slightly wounded. guardian spirits, summoning mount, shielded, 1 charge stored. Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Pong-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Thumb War-Monopoly-Tennis is a sane game for sane people?!> BardymcBardface: light wounds! historianism III! 2 charges! in weird lobby! O_R_I_G_I_N: Light Wounds. Fascination Of Beyond! Signed photo of Waluigi! Box of Thymemicrophoneamen. In. A. Pumpkin. And has Demogoblin. and a Safe. full of stuff. and a spike-bush. The Great One: Minor Wounds. LyricsDusk:. 6 Soul Points. Tenebrous Leverage.
I have been significantly wounded. I know what to do. Flesh is weak, Stone is strong. I replace the flesh I lost with Stone, significantly boosting my durability and turning what was wound into something stronger... Indeed who oversees the overseer? I create an stone head at one of my stone scars and then connect a long stone neck to the stone overseer. I shall oversee the overseer with my stone head. All entities collect rock, Mask of Hesitation guard me, toaster boy watch the toast. I create a rock gunner that will man the rock launcher. Rock gunner, open fire on the empty chimera!
ENTITY ACTIONS: Turn your attention to the Mechanical Monster and strike at its core, Darkness.
ACTION 1: Let's leave O-R-I-G-I-N- alone for a round, and deal with this Empty Chimera.
From my hand, a blade of abyss manifests, borrowed from the Darkness. I move the blade forward, and in what seems like an instant, the blade slashes forward at the Empty Chimera's legs too fast to see. A moment later, and the damage is done; one of the Empty Chimera's legs has been forcibly separated from its user.
ACTION 2: I pull out a machine gun, and open fire on the Mechanical Monster. But the bullets fired are no ordinary bullets; they're reflective.
A laser gun pulled out strikes a reflective bullet; the laser ricochets around the web of bullets in a single second, aimed directly at the Mechanical Monster's spine. The laser hits, severs the spine neatly, and the Mechanical Monster slowly topples to the ground, completely paralysed.
The Squidship is steered around to the southwest, before rocketing off at obscene speeds towards the mushroom-village. The ship is clearly on its last legs, so Gary's orders are to keep the thing alive long enough to reach the village.
Action 1: "HA HA! Plan achieved!" Demogoblin gives the weirdo a very disappointed look. "Where will this get us again?" "NOWHERE! Ha!" "Why did I let you hire me?" "Because of the goodness of your heart. Or that you don't do enough advertising, so I am your exclusive client." Demogoblin grumbles something about getting a business card. As Demogoblin complains, the weirdo is interested by the curious immune system. And by interested, I mean so in the most egotistical sense of the word. "FINALLY, actual fans!" He... floats?... Is he in the stomach or a vein? Regardless, he floats over to the pumpkiny white blood cells. "You all must be my biggest fans!" The white blood cells seem completely neutral to that statement. This annoys the "wizard". "Come on! You know me. The Kookoo from Cooking with Kookoo! I filmed an episode here- okay, sort of right here- just a bit ago. Well, it's a great show. It's all the rage on... what channel did I sign with? Anyways, it's a great show. You probably all want my personal Kookoo Cookbook. I'll get you all signed, autographed copies right now." It is just then that he realizes that he does not, in fact, have his own Kookoo Cookbook and, if he did, he doubts he would have enough for all of the white blood cells in the snail's immune system. As he fumbles for literally anything he can do, he realizes that he was just sent a package. He opens it up and finds the "5 Million Poutine Recipes" book and a small scorch mark. For a moment, he questions the scorch mark, but quickly remembers he has fans to satisfy. He takes out a piece of paper and a pen, and writes, "KOOKOO COOKBOOK! By: The Fabulous WIZARD". He takes out a few pieces of duct tape and sticks the new title over the book cover. He then opens it to the first page, uses white out to mark out any mention of the author's name, and signs, "To my favorite blood cells. THE WIZARD". He then hands the book to the leading white blood cells. "This truly is my greatest work. If you wanna find out if I'm a threat or not, it's in here." The weirdo then turns slowly away as the white blood cells slowly begin devouring the five million poutine recipes. "That should take them a minute or two," he whispers to Demogoblin.
Action 2: The weirdo and Demogoblin attempt to climb up through some tract or another to get to the snail's mouth... Wait, do snails have mouths? Doo duh doo. The Grand Elgoog says that snails do, in fact, have mouths. So the "wizard" and Demogoblin attempt to go there. Normally, this is where some silly humor or excessive stupidity would come into play, but, ironically enough, the weirdo doesn't know enough about this snail/normal snail anatomy to do anything stupid. So now we know. The only way to stop him from being stupid is to make him not know anything. Interesting.
Action 3: As they travel through the slimy depths of the pumpkin snail (which vaguely tastes what would happen if you took the pumpkin filling of a pumpkin pie and mixed it with tortoise phlegm), the weirdo reads through his scroll. "The Assassins are DEPRESSED!? I haven't used my depression juice yet! I don't think." He quickly checks his safe. "No, I have not used my it." He reaches into his sleeves and pulls out a very blocky phone and calls 1-800-273-8255. The phone rings a few times and the "wizard" worries he doesn't get reception in here. Fortunately, someone answers. "Hello! This is the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. How may I help you?" "Ah, yes. You see, I'm calling you from inside a giant pumpkin snail- wait wait wait! Don't hang up! I'm fine. You see, I have these friends. They like shadowy colors and hidden blades and they're... somewhere outside of the snail I'm stuck in- I'm not joking. You see, they've been having some problems with their self esteems. You see, their job is to *cough* manage personnel *cough* for this one company- what was it called?... I think its some subsidiary or something of Trump Towers... it's either that or they're a part of GM. You know, the car company. Totally not some multi-dimensional super villain. The car company. But um... yeah. They haven't had too many people to *cough* manage *cough*, so they've been feeling a bit down in the dumps. They just don't feel like anyone understands them. I'm just worried. Could you send some people over to check on them; make sure they're okay. Oh, and, if you could, mention my name. It's- now this is gonna sound weird- the 'Wizard'. 'W'-'I'-'Z'-'A'-'R'-'D'. 'Wizard'. Yeah, it's just a professional title. Totally. I don't think they'd recognize my real name. Plus everyone spells it wrong, so please don't ask. Could you just come here and tell them the 'wizard' sent you?" "Um..." Chatter is heard on the other end of the line. It's like they don't believe him or something. After a solid five minutes of discussion and nervous laughter, the receiver responds, "We'll be there right away." "Thank you SO MUCH." He hangs up the phone and complains to Demogoblin. "Uuuuugh. That was painful. I need, like, a note card to explain this stuff. It can't sound that nice though. I feel like I'm puking rainbows. It's a terrible-"
Action 1: I notice the Chimera looking at the Elephant, So I order the Elephant to make a portal to another dimension and go through it to escape. The Chimera might be able to slice through dimensions again to follow, but hopefully it’ll decide to go for an easier target. I notice a familiar FedEx truck parked near the other side of the portal, and decide to go through too. I break into the truck. The controls for creating inter-dimensional portals seem surprisingly simple. I create a portal back to the battlefield and drive through it. The portal closes behind me. I drive towards the Chimera at full speed, jumping out of the truck just before crashing into it.
Action 2: I find a medium-sized stone on the ground. I hold it up to the darkness, letting darkness seep into the stone, turning it into a stone of dusk.
Action 3: I join Acerak in the ritual to summon Joe.
Orders: Sword, keep looking for opportunities to assassinate assassins! Pyramid Pigmen, find more people to join the pyramid scheme!
I have been significantly wounded. I know what to do. Flesh is weak, Stone is strong. I replace the flesh I lost with Stone, significantly boosting my durability and turning what was wound into something stronger... Indeed who oversees the overseer? I create an stone head at one of my stone scars and then connect a long stone neck to the stone overseer. I shall oversee the overseer with my stone head. All entities collect rock, Mask of Hesitation guard me, toaster boy watch the toast. I create a rock gunner that will man the rock launcher. Rock gunner, open fire on the empty chimera!
Consuming 90 Rocks, you manage to heal yourself all the way to Light Wounds(there is a big math for this.)! That makes sense. You oversee the overseer and give them oversight! entities ordered, and you create a rock gunner... it's not very strong since you just used most of your rocks, but it'll do.
ENTITY ACTIONS: Turn your attention to the Mechanical Monster and strike at its core, Darkness.
ACTION 1: Let's leave O-R-I-G-I-N- alone for a round, and deal with this Empty Chimera.
From my hand, a blade of abyss manifests, borrowed from the Darkness. I move the blade forward, and in what seems like an instant, the blade slashes forward at the Empty Chimera's legs too fast to see. A moment later, and the damage is done; one of the Empty Chimera's legs has been forcibly separated from its user.
ACTION 2: I pull out a machine gun, and open fire on the Mechanical Monster. But the bullets fired are no ordinary bullets; they're reflective.
A laser gun pulled out strikes a reflective bullet; the laser ricochets around the web of bullets in a single second, aimed directly at the Mechanical Monster's spine. The laser hits, severs the spine neatly, and the Mechanical Monster slowly topples to the ground, completely paralysed.
Suggestion given! The Chimera's dripping arm seems almost gravitated towards your sword, though, and collides with it mid-swing. There's a brief power struggle, but the Chimera pulls in some incomprehensible way, and the blade collapses into wisps of black smoke. You fire a laser at the Mechanical Monster! The Spine is a pretty small target, but you manage to hit it anyway, doing 25 damage... the metal groans, but does not collapse.
The Squidship is steered around to the southwest, before rocketing off at obscene speeds towards the mushroom-village. The ship is clearly on its last legs, so Gary's orders are to keep the thing alive long enough to reach the village.
Joe Ritual: 16 +1 from TheGreatOne =17/50
You rocket towards the Mushroom village! As you leave the battlefield, the darkness seems to lighten around you... no longer oppressive and still, there are now stars in the sky, and a slight purple tint along it. You will arrive next turn, though the squidship is likely to die soon after.
You roll to instakill! the Godmodder rolls to not get instakilled with DC equal to the instakill roll! The Godmodder rolls his favourite set of dice: the 20D20 D20, which has 20D20 dice, each of which is a D20! Pulling his D20 out of the set, he finds there are currently 252 different D20 there! rolling the 252 D20, he gets 2541 on his combined instakill resistance roll, deflecting the instakill! Of course, the Godmodder in this case is a metaphor. A metaphor for instakills not being possible as a generalised capability due to varying healths of various targets making them unbalanced.
Action 1: "HA HA! Plan achieved!" Demogoblin gives the weirdo a very disappointed look. "Where will this get us again?" "NOWHERE! Ha!" "Why did I let you hire me?" "Because of the goodness of your heart. Or that you don't do enough advertising, so I am your exclusive client." Demogoblin grumbles something about getting a business card. As Demogoblin complains, the weirdo is interested by the curious immune system. And by interested, I mean so in the most egotistical sense of the word. "FINALLY, actual fans!" He... floats?... Is he in the stomach or a vein? Regardless, he floats over to the pumpkiny white blood cells. "You all must be my biggest fans!" The white blood cells seem completely neutral to that statement. This annoys the "wizard". "Come on! You know me. The Kookoo from Cooking with Kookoo! I filmed an episode here- okay, sort of right here- just a bit ago. Well, it's a great show. It's all the rage on... what channel did I sign with? Anyways, it's a great show. You probably all want my personal Kookoo Cookbook. I'll get you all signed, autographed copies right now." It is just then that he realizes that he does not, in fact, have his own Kookoo Cookbook and, if he did, he doubts he would have enough for all of the white blood cells in the snail's immune system. As he fumbles for literally anything he can do, he realizes that he was just sent a package. He opens it up and finds the "5 Million Poutine Recipes" book and a small scorch mark. For a moment, he questions the scorch mark, but quickly remembers he has fans to satisfy. He takes out a piece of paper and a pen, and writes, "KOOKOO COOKBOOK! By: The Fabulous WIZARD". He takes out a few pieces of duct tape and sticks the new title over the book cover. He then opens it to the first page, uses white out to mark out any mention of the author's name, and signs, "To my favorite blood cells. THE WIZARD". He then hands the book to the leading white blood cells. "This truly is my greatest work. If you wanna find out if I'm a threat or not, it's in here." The weirdo then turns slowly away as the white blood cells slowly begin devouring the five million poutine recipes. "That should take them a minute or two," he whispers to Demogoblin.
Action 2: The weirdo and Demogoblin attempt to climb up through some tract or another to get to the snail's mouth... Wait, do snails have mouths? Doo duh doo. The Grand Elgoog says that snails do, in fact, have mouths. So the "wizard" and Demogoblin attempt to go there. Normally, this is where some silly humor or excessive stupidity would come into play, but, ironically enough, the weirdo doesn't know enough about this snail/normal snail anatomy to do anything stupid. So now we know. The only way to stop him from being stupid is to make him not know anything. Interesting.
Action 3: As they travel through the slimy depths of the pumpkin snail (which vaguely tastes what would happen if you took the pumpkin filling of a pumpkin pie and mixed it with tortoise phlegm), the weirdo reads through his scroll. "The Assassins are DEPRESSED!? I haven't used my depression juice yet! I don't think." He quickly checks his safe. "No, I have not used my it." He reaches into his sleeves and pulls out a very blocky phone and calls 1-800-273-8255. The phone rings a few times and the "wizard" worries he doesn't get reception in here. Fortunately, someone answers. "Hello! This is the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. How may I help you?" "Ah, yes. You see, I'm calling you from inside a giant pumpkin snail- wait wait wait! Don't hang up! I'm fine. You see, I have these friends. They like shadowy colors and hidden blades and they're... somewhere outside of the snail I'm stuck in- I'm not joking. You see, they've been having some problems with their self esteems. You see, their job is to *cough* manage personnel *cough* for this one company- what was it called?... I think its some subsidiary or something of Trump Towers... it's either that or they're a part of GM. You know, the car company. Totally not some multi-dimensional super villain. The car company. But um... yeah. They haven't had too many people to *cough* manage *cough*, so they've been feeling a bit down in the dumps. They just don't feel like anyone understands them. I'm just worried. Could you send some people over to check on them; make sure they're okay. Oh, and, if you could, mention my name. It's- now this is gonna sound weird- the 'Wizard'. 'W'-'I'-'Z'-'A'-'R'-'D'. 'Wizard'. Yeah, it's just a professional title. Totally. I don't think they'd recognize my real name. Plus everyone spells it wrong, so please don't ask. Could you just come here and tell them the 'wizard' sent you?" "Um..." Chatter is heard on the other end of the line. It's like they don't believe him or something. After a solid five minutes of discussion and nervous laughter, the receiver responds, "We'll be there right away." "Thank you SO MUCH." He hangs up the phone and complains to Demogoblin. "Uuuuugh. That was painful. I need, like, a note card to explain this stuff. It can't sound that nice though. I feel like I'm puking rainbows. It's a terrible-"
You give the White Blood Cells a book! they devour it voraciously and occasionally literally. Luckily, eating the book means they don't have any proof it wasn't a KOOKOO COOKBOOK, so they don't come at you in fury. You climb all the way up to the snails mouth which it apparently has, and peak out... The giant Snail is snailing its way through an infinite pumpkin patch. A short distance ahead of it- no more then 30 minutes or at most two turns ahead- is a incongruous pit of molten pumpkin which looks suspiciously like retextured lava, and a bit off to the side you see a portal leading back to the battlefield. You also call the suicide prevention hotline! they quickly find the angstiest, most teenage of the assassins which nobody understands and cart them off to teach them the value of life. One Assassin non-lethally removed from the field!
Action 1: I notice the Chimera looking at the Elephant, So I order the Elephant to make a portal to another dimension and go through it to escape. The Chimera might be able to slice through dimensions again to follow, but hopefully it’ll decide to go for an easier target. I notice a familiar FedEx truck parked near the other side of the portal, and decide to go through too. I break into the truck. The controls for creating inter-dimensional portals seem surprisingly simple. I create a portal back to the battlefield and drive through it. The portal closes behind me. I drive towards the Chimera at full speed, jumping out of the truck just before crashing into it.
Action 2: I find a medium-sized stone on the ground. I hold it up to the darkness, letting darkness seep into the stone, turning it into a stone of dusk.
Action 3: I join Acerak in the ritual to summon Joe.
Orders: Sword, keep looking for opportunities to assassinate assassins! Pyramid Pigmen, find more people to join the pyramid scheme!
You crash a FedEx truck into the Chimera, which slices it cleanly in half with its Claws, avoiding damage! You then hold up a rock to the darkness. a purple tremor seems to go through the area, but it's gone quickly enough you might have imagined it. The resulting stone seems... off, from your original plan, a sort of gradiented purple like whatever it originally was was held at a fire too long. You join Acerak! their charge gets an extra CP. Orders given! Steve heals the Squidship, holding it together... It flies Acerak towards the mushroom villages. The Mask collects 7+7 rocks! the Pelicans also collect rocks.... the crabs collect 3+4+3+2+3+1 rocks! the Tree is a Tree and the toaster a toaster and the boy a boy and the chicken a chicken! The Launcher launches some rocks at the Empty Chimera, but it bats some of them away with its slender arm and dodges the rest. The sword hovers, the pigmen all work on the pyramid scheme, and the Inter-dimensional elephant runs away from the Empty Chimera! The Darkness lashes out against the Mechanical Monster, and one of the slashes hits home, killing it. the Astral Plane Chicken is a chicken. The Pumpkin Snails seem anticipatory... The remaining assassins loiter... they're getting close to dying, but surely the Godmodder will give them the antidote before that happens, right? Trump tries to hire some security contracters to come heal the wall, but for vague economic and political reasons there's a sudden dearth of them, even with his Hella Dosh to pay people with. Poutine summons Poutine... somewhere. hm. The Empty Chimera keeps advancing towards the Interdimensional Elephants escape point, and stops. the darkness of its arm pools on the ground, then rises up into a mangled frame, like a door or an archway wrought of pitch-black metal. It flickers, and then there's a path. Advancing through, the Chimera slashes at it, claws deep red as they open holes that are much the same. its Slender arm comes up next, deftly reaching into the hole and pulling out some organ or another. probably a kidney. or a liver. maybe a spleen? what does a spleen Do, anyway? it throws the organ at the Elephant, then turns, gazing back through the portal it made at the battlefield, considering. Overall, 85 damage to the Elephant, minus 30 for it having partially escaped.
Battlefield.
[A-naturewriter] Terror Pants 127/200 HP (Bulletstorm, Spray and pray, machine gun, rockets, The big gun(locked on: None).). towering outside shopkeeper emporium. [A-naturewriter]Flying Spageti monster 32/55 HP 20 A/-15 A. in shopkeeper emporium to fight the Displacer...? [OG-Acerak] Steve 43/25 HP, 0.5 Dig||Magic!A (Tunnel: 20.5/20) out of the battlefield! [OG-Moose/Acerak] Squidship of the Meese. 3/30 HP, In constant pain, a method of transport. 4A. out of the battlefield! [OG-Shard-Shard-Hunger For Eggs on Toast] Eishalon III: Mask of Hungry Visitation for Eggs on Toast (75% accuracy. can hit enemies by accident. stuck to HV. Mask instarepairs. ) 0/3 Energy Diamonds, 0 Awakening integrity (depleted) BUFF. [ OG-srovy?] Kittenish Pelican 71 rocks, on HfEoT's head. awakened (9/9 integrity) , awake. Earth Pelican 64 rocks, rock suit. O look the pelican. on the kitten on HfEoT's head. ( 1/8 integrity) Rock Crabs 33 Rocks x6 awakened x2(13x2 integrity) [OG-Hunger(y) for Eggs on Toast]Toast Tree, 10/10 HP, Awakened(23/23 integrity), 3 toast.(+(1d2)d2 -1 toast/r) Intolerance Defence! Toaster 30/30 HP. Toasting Toast III Toasterboy 13 Rocks. Awakened (0/30 integrity) Stone chicken 39+@) Rocks. fed. processing food III. is a stone chicken. Awakened(0/26 integrity) Bunker (surrounding Pantheon) 45 Rocks. Launcher (launches rocks. jammed with poutine. manned by 7-rock gunner with 13 awaken!) Awakened(30/30 integrity) [OG?-Arjan] Toast Pantheon 20/20 HP, immune to mold, surrounding tree. (awakened, 25/25 integrity) Turrets 1x4 HP 1x4A, (awakened 25/25 integrity) [OG-TheGreatOne] Golden Sword 10/10 HP, 2/1d8: Assassinate. Pyramid Pigmen 1x7 hp, scheme exaggeration A!x7 Inter-Dimensional Elephant 145/200 HP, 2 IDMT(+1/R),Healthful Hygene, . Waluigi has left the premises. Waluigi Thyme! [AG-Shard II]Eishalon II - Manifest Of Folly Some people know exactly what's going on, until they don't. the Eishalon may have been one of those... fryer, fryer, corpse on fi-er. [OG-naturewriter] Cosmic Monolith 46/100 HP 75% dodge chance. Dark Pulse(65) Antimatter(25x3) Flash (?) 4/4 Doomsday. in shopkeeper emporium to fight the Displacer...? [OG-Bardymcbardyface] Astral Plane Chicken 150/150 HP 10A, lays eggs! Perceptive Potential. in Shopkeep shop in a Colosseum! Egg(x1d2 to 3+1d2) 20/20 HP (fostered III, Nurtured III. Warmed IV. any new ones lack these buffs but all have +1 fostered, +2 Warmed) [OG-SmartTJ]Pigmen 1x12 hp, horde agro, (int)(0.25x12)atk. [OG-LyricsDusk*] Some Dosh. [All Hallows Eve-Lyricsdusk] Darkness given Form 50/50 HP 20A, blades of abyss,lightless onslaught. Darkness Given Soul ✦✦✦✦✦ SP, and something crawled out, but a hateful mirror. Darkness with purpose. •••••. heritage of the black star and the reign of none. [OG] faithful Dog 200/100HP -33 to incoming damage! Solid diamond Deal with the Godmodder [C] Nether Portal 10 HP, 11 resistance. active! Pumpkin Snails! 15x6 HP Pumpkin!A [AG] Assorted Assassins, 13x2 HP, 40% dodge. Poisoned: -1 HP/r! 6/1d8 : Assassinate. [AG]Trump 50/50 HP. has hella dosh. is being payed even hella-er dosh. has 28 Awakened rocks. 4/4 for Namesake. The Wall 111/20 HP, Guard Trump...and Poutine!!!!!A Awakened (25/25 integrity) Poutine, 66 HP. +4 HP/turn. Is made of fries, cheese, and gravy. 2/4 What's Gravy even made of?. [WAAAAAAAAA]Waluigi, Pristine physical condition. Capable Celebrity Chin. WAAA worthy wonderosity. Unbelievable Uvula. Glorious Golf club. Tremendous Tennis racket. Beautiful Badminton Bombarder and Buffness. Amazing Action Abilities. Spectacularly sizeable Slacks. King-worthy kitchen of Kooking. WALUIGI HAS LEFT THIS LOCATION WITH ALL OF ITS... LUIGIS. IT IS TIME. WALUIGI THYME. AND WALUIGI THYME WAITS FOR GNOME ANN! [AG]100, 100% HP, item in 4%! leaving in 3! Numerology!A, 2,004 total HP! In stasis due to seasonal event! Mechanical Monster DEAD/35 HP, 50% dodge, Sharpened limbs. [All Hallows Eve] Empty Chimera. Slender Arm- Blemished. Draggingarm- Pristine. Claws- Razor Sharp. Shadow Tendril- Dripping. Legs- Duo. Mask- Splintered porcelain- white. ???, ???, ???.
[GM] Godmodder: 272 /300 HP 1/4 dimensionality, has rock snake (corpse?). Maintaining Empty Chimera. currently immune to attack. Hunger For Eggs On Toast: Founder, 66% skill. Owns a Unique'Magic Factory', Needs stuff he doesn't have. like FLEX TAP? woodworking skill which is not the same thing as cutting down trees: sufficient+. 1C.AC. Stuck to Mask of Hungresitation. Rock Mask, 18 rocks,23 cakes , Gathering Pickaxe FAICE!, Stone Rose, Is a fusion of Hungry Visitor and Srovy (6 actions! Actions must be self-consistent! Potential power boost. or not. more resistant to attack!) Awakened by HV (Tier 0.6 / 2), depleted. on battlefield. has several voidshards (~5). Completely untrustworthy. Ridiculous Wounds. Light Wounds. pretty buff. has protected 14 Er... . Aeisenberg: with Phil swift, but not in the update room! rapier (minor attack buff)... +1?, Favour of the Deva, Coronal Relic (cyan), Awakened by HV (Tier 0.6), Probably Not a Martian. OrcalordBeyond: On battlefield, is a god which is possessing an air elemental which has turned into a offbrand flex sealed old yellow fire-breath animal and is flying. in Paradox Tennis (If an update passes between their post and the next P.tennis one, they can post in the main dop too.) Dracoflamer: on battlefield, probably(?)! deserves to be remembered forever. f'real. Cannot exhaust or over-strain muscles. ADrunkenDwarf: hand cut! Large Voidshard- sharp. 4 unknown objects(radiating bits of magic every so often), 6 practical joke implements. Yellow Eishalon Mask (5.7) - Storms Squire II, Thunder Twitches I, 𝔇𝔯𝔞𝔠𝔬𝔫𝔦𝔠 𝔇ominance VI (Draconic Dominance.). SirNatureWriter: just check their sector. shiny, !shiny! scrap metal, 2070ish? bottles of Restricted Godmodder energy. isn't currently being a shopkeeper. Book from the Globglogabgalab's set (Animated). Acerak the Eternal. <Garfield the Tabaxi: Reviled by Globglogabgalab! slightly wounded. guardian spirits, summoning mount, shielded, 1 charge stored. Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Pong-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Thumb War-Monopoly-Tennis is a sane game for sane people?!> BardymcBardface: light wounds! historianism III! 2 charges! in weird lobby! O_R_I_G_I_N: Light Wounds.Fascination Of Beyond! Signed photo of Waluigi! Box of Thymemicrophoneamen. In. A. Pumpkin. And has Demogoblin. and a Safe. full of stuff. and a spike-bush. The Great One: Minor Wounds. LyricsDusk:. 6 Soul Points. Tenebrous Leverage.
Rock gunner, fix the rock cannon. Toast boy, watch the toast. Overseer, oversee the entities. Mask, defend the base against attackers. Entities left collect rock. I upgrade the Overseer with the collected rock, giving the overseer the ability to increase the overall rock morale. I create yet another 2-way portal and pull the Unique Magic Factory into the base. I try to upgrade rocks into special rock ammunition that is better than normal rock using the Unique Magic Factory.
This post has potentially manipulated dice roll results.
I petition Joe for knowledge of how I might locate the sect members, so I may slay them in his name, and I put a temporary invisibility spell on the ship (2 turns).
ENTITY ACTIONS: Darkness, strike at the Wall's vital points.
ACTION 1: Time to deal with the Empty Chimera's arms.
I fling a knife at the Chimera's dragging arm, lodging the knife directly into the arm. Then the knife starts twisting, rotating, destroying vital veins and muscles, before it finally explodes into shrapnel that cuts deeply into the Empty Chimera's dragging arm.
ACTION 2 (Charge): The bicyclic creature begins twisting itself into a shape, resembling a... cyclops?
Entity Order: "Ah, finally. I was getting bored of the color orange. So, Demogoblin, you go slide down there and see if you can find any good bombing pumpkins. I'd suggest watching for landmines. These snails seem a bit fishy." "And what are you going to do?" "Hijack a snail." And so Demogoblin slides down the snail in search of pumpkins and the weirdo moves on to Action 1.
Action 1: The "wizard" holds up a map of a snail's inner anatomy as a tourist would hold a map of Hong Kong. His hands are fully extended as if it was actually made of snail guts (which aren't as bad as you'd expect when everything tastes pumpkiny), and he keeps flipping the map around as if he could have the model upside down. Finally, he gives a questioning nod. "Huh. Snail brains are actually above the mouth. That's almost weird. I dunno why. Well, I'm in the mouth, so the... radula, apparently... should be..." It is then that he realizes he is standing on it. "Okay! Into the nervous system I go! MINISCULOSO PEN-INFINTESIMO ATOMONY!" As he yells all of that gibberish, he suddenly becomes very very tiny. So tiny, in fact, that he cannot be seen by the naked eye. So small, that he could shake the hand of a sodium atom that seems huge in comparison. So small, that he is small. "Wait. WHAT!? This wasn't what I was going for! I was gonna shrink the snail and fit it into my pocket! I was gonna make a radula joke and everything! It was gonna be a good one too. What happens when a snail loses its radula? Pi aren't squared!... That sounded better in my head... Okay, who am I kidding. That was never gonna be funny. I think if it wasn't a snail pun it would be better." The weirdo then seems to realize he was targeted by the spell. "What am I gonna do now?"
Action 2: Looking at his map again, he realizes that snails ave nerves. That means they have a brain. "That could work." At his new size, the "wizard" squeezes into the radula, finds a motor neuron, and climbs the snail's motor neuron pathways all the way to its brain. "You know, this is actually pretty useful. Think of the dodge chance. Too bad I was using the one turn variant. I figured once the snail was small, I could just shove it in my safe... Then again, it could have dodged. Meh."
Action 3: Once at the brain, the weirdo gets to work. He produces tons of wires out of his sleeves and plugs them into as many points in the snail's brain he can fit. He then plugs them into a single microphone. "Watch, this is how all mind control works." He screams into the microphone, "TURN TOWARDS THE PORTAL YOU STUPID SNAIL." As the vibrations are shot directly into the snail's brain as a somewhat subconscious message, the microphone breaks. "Whoops. Too loud." With nothing else to do in the brain, he tries to squeeze a bit of excess Action 2 energy into Action 3 and sneaks back to the snail's mouth and finally leaves the snail, probably to land on some pumpkin landmine or a pumpkin bear trap. That second one could be tasty. A pumpkin bear. Bear fur probably goes great with pumpkin.
(Hmm... Ran out of creative juices for this one. Meh.)
I set up an online shop for my pyramid scheme of healing salts. Let the shilling begin.
Action 1: "Well, the trial could turn the pumpkin some enormous pumpkin beast that Demogoblin and I are stuck in's stomach. That sounds like an easy, sensible solution." Demogoblin wakes up from his nap as he hears this. "Why are you helping them? They're the prosecution. Never help the prosecution. You've been to court how many times?" "Over 43." "You're not helping. I'm your lawyer. Stop that. I don't wanna lose my career over this." "Well, if we don't follow 'the plan,' you'll be losing a bit more than your job." "What plan? I'm the lawyer. What's the plan?" "I'm working on it, but it involves a giant pumpkin monster... somehow. Okay, not really. The current plan is be less BORED. Reality is collapsing outside and I'm stuck in a pumpkin. Maybe I should collapse reality in here-" "Nope. Nope. We are not doing that." "Okay. I'll just do it myself." Before Demogoblin objects (maybe he used to be Phoenix Wright), the "wizard" reaches into his sleeve and produces a metal handkerchief with one end tied to another handkerchief with one end tied to another handkerchief with one end tied to another handkerchief with one end tied to another handkerchief with one end...
In some distant world, an idiot sits at his all-powerful light-interface. The idiot spam taps seemingly random buttons on his lettered grid, causing the symbols to appear on the plane of light. Eventually, the idiot's fingers seem to lull to sleep and begin typing the same thing over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over...
Power. Is that not what all seek? The power to create and destroy with a thought. Whole worlds clasped firmly in your hand. Fate. Determining the beginning, middle, and end of your story, of all stories. The allure of infinity weaved by you, for you. Endless life. Endless death. Endless endlessness, one may say. Going on forever. And ever. And ever. And ever. And ever. And...
The creature in the gray box cried out in fear. Outside, researchers coldly observed through a blue glass film as piercing lights cut away the creature's being, analyzing every atom, learning every structure, becoming one with it as the creature was lost in the box. The creature's skin burnt an imaginary fire, hurling the creature through endless agony. It screamed mercy as it felt itself being torn to shreds. Yet it lived. As its head howled to the sky, its wide, dying eyes saw an orange light within the murderous box. Whether real or not, the creature reached for this light, hoping, pleading. Suddenly, the pain stopped, the screaming ended. It stood in the box, numb of life, numb of emotion. The creature stared at the featureless gray surface in front of it, searching for weakness. With the lightest touch of the beast's arm, the door fell. The creature stepped out of the box and found itself in a gray hall filled with boxes. Looking to its left and right, it could see itself reflected over near endless times, gawking at other selves as they stared on to infinity. As the creature looked, it seemed to rekindle some light, and it reached out a terrible claw at the clone to its left. Blood erupted from every neck as the beasts gracefully fell to the floor. The researchers groaned as they watched. One of them spoke two words into a microphone. "Next experiment." And so they watched as beasts suffered and died, struggling to face itself. And the words continued to ring. "Next experiment." "Next experiment." "Next ex...
Back in the pumpkin, the weirdo stands with a ridiculously small safe in front of him. He finishes pouring the contents of his inventory into the safe and slams the door shut. He picks up the cube in one hand and rubs his fingers against the small, triangular etchings of merged steel. Demogoblin awakens again. His mind flashes through the dreams that were not his own and asks, "What was that?" The "wizard" smiles. "Infinity." The weirdo then seems startled himself. He seems to ponder something for a moment. "No, that definitely sounded too cool to come out of my mouth. In all honesty, that was-" "Nope, you ruined it. I'm your lawyer. I do the talking." "But your jokes are never funny!" "And your's are?" "OBVIOUSLY!"
Action 2: "Okay, back to the checklist. Next up is... the houseplant!" The "wizard" reaches into his sleeves and pulls out a watch. He slams the face of it against his wrist and it shatters. A beam of light erupts from the watch. His fingers dart into the watch and yank out a Spanish Bayonet! Except, for some reason, it isn't gun shaped. Instead, it's some spiky bush. Really, think of a spiked mace, get rid of the handle, switch the spikes for pointy leaves, and there it is: The Spanish Bayonet, also known as the Small Soapweed or Beargrass. "I'm done now, right? I don't have to explain anything." Demogoblin raises his hand like a preschooler. "What Demogoblin? Do you really wanna know how I found this? Fine..."
The weirdo walked through the land that the natives called Agraria. It really seemed more like an empty field, but he couldn't judge. For him, every porta-potty is an Abyssal Storage Unit. He roamed the field and was struck with BOREDOM. He reaches into the back of his shirt and pulls out a giant scythe. He slams it down into the ground. Neat, parallel lines of earth depress into the ground across the vast plain. Then, with the flick of his wrist, seeds burst out of his sleeves, landing in the perfect rows of tilled dirt. He cups his hands in front of his mouth and breathes into them, creating a small puff of smoke. He snarls and spits into his hands and the smoke becomes a cloud. He shouts the word, "BIG!" as he allows the cloud to rise into the air. Suddenly, a giant purple cat on a frog hops across the land, frog slobber spilling out of its mouth. As the cat disappears, so does the cloud. "Farming. Its as easy as that."
Cut to a month later. The crops have steadily begun to grow. The weirdo strolls through his land. He wears an overly ironic pair of suspenders and holds a pitchfork in his hand. As he walks through his neat, uniform rows of corn, he notices a small thorn poking out through the center of the middle row. He approaches and comes in first contact with Beargrass. "Stupid weed. The giant toad must have dropped it here. Not to worry..." The "wizard" pulls out a pair of loppers and cuts the plant's base off. He plucks the spiky head of the plant off and flings it up, sending it flying out of Agraria.
A week later, the "wizard" struts through the nearby market in the town of Airarga. He notices that the townspeople are watching him with un-trusting eyes. As the tension seems to build and the weirdo prepares to use kung-fu, tiakwando, and a few other scary sounding words. Then, a man with a patch over one of his eyes and a bunch of red dots covering his face. The merchant yells, "I bet you're happy with your flying death balls FREAK! I'll kill you for this!" The merchant holds up the Spanish Musket head. Immediately, the "wizard" begins to apologize. However, the one-eyed man chucks the Small Soapweed head at him. Quickly, the weirdo whips out a handful of ashes and blows them at the charging plant, causing a great plume of flame to engulf the plant. The head disappears in the smoke. The merchant curses the weirdo under his breath as the "wizard" makes his escape.
Back in Agraria, the "wizard" paces through his field, trying to think of the best present he could give the one-eyed merchant. He is stuck between giving the man either a musket, a mace, or a pack of seeds. For some reason, none of these sound like good options. He walks past the dead center of his field and spots a new Small Soapweed sprouted from the roots of the old one. "You'd better be happy. Because of you, I have to be nice. What does it even mean to be nice!? Now get out of my field." The plant has no legs, so it does not budge. "Fine, we'll do this the hard way. I killed your friend like this. Let's see how you fare." In his left hand, a small sphere of fire burns. He gets in a professional pitcher's stance, takes a step to get a good zing, and steps on the Spanish Musket. His foot throbs with pain as the plant knocks him off balance, causing him to toss the fireball into his field. A stalk of corn is struck by the ball, causing it to light. A small breeze blows through the field and the stalk leans over, catching fire to another. This cycle continues as the "wizard" recovers from stabbing his foot. "No! Come on! You must be really happy, plant." He forms another fireball in his hand and burns it to a crisp.
The next day, the "wizard" is back in Airarga, hoping to find a more fireproof crop to replace the whole field he just lost. As he avoids threatening glances, he notices small, spiked bushes popping up all over the place. He asks one of the friendlier looking merchants what they are. The merchant answers, "Well, you see, that show you did with the fire the other day caused these things to spread out a bit over the market. None of the merchants quite mind. I think they're planning on building a catapult to launch them at your property." The "wizard is filled with immediate regret, both for not thinking of using the plant as catapult ammo sooner and for the more pressing concern. He teleports back to his field in Agraria and finds his whole field covered in the plants. Enraged, the "wizard" lifts his hand, sending a wave of force across the spiky field. The plants are torn from the dirt, their roots dangling in the air. The "wizard" snaps,
cutting their population in halfcausing the plants to explode into each other. Plant guts fly everywhere, but are quickly picked up by the "wizard's" magic and thrown back into the mess. In the end, a single plant remains barely intact. The "wizard" contemplates how best to kill it, but decides to keep it. He pulls a small watch out of his sleeves. He carefully shoves the plant into the comically small opening, forcing it into a pocket watch dimension. He then realizes that plants need light, so he chucks a flashlight in and turns it on. After dealing with that, he has an entire field full of plant guts left. He decides that he is tired of farming and leaves it there, wanting to instead pursue blacksmithing or glassblowing."There," the weirdo announces as he finishes his story, "that's how I found it. Are you happy Demogoblin?" "No. I wanted to know its purpose in this trial." "Oh, um... I'll get back to you on that." He throws the plant in his new safe.
Action 3: "Let's see... next is meditating. Ugh... Anything else to do?" The "wizard" looks through his scroll and spots something new. "Hey! The Healing Salts are getting a website! Finally, I can use my viral influence to help out." He takes out his pumpkin camera (which works on strange pumpkin light refraction. The images are a bit orangey, but otherwise working fine). He turns it on and begins. "Hello hello. Welcome to Cooking with Kookoo! Today, we will be using healing salts in a delicious dish. I call it... Healing Salts. Really, these things are so good, you don't even need to prepare them. Just eat them, and you'll he in Heaven- NO! No. Poor choice of words. You'll feel amazing. Watch." He produces a healing salt out of his pocket (no idea if its the right one, but the target audience is not geologists, so who cares?). He then proceeds to shove it in his mouth (can't be bothered to actually learn how healing salts work). He then immediately begins to cough and sneeze, being slowly choked by the rock he just ingested. Somehow, through his clogged throat, he manages to say, "See, the coughing is just me expelling the sickness from my lungs." He pumps his chest a couple of times and spits the healing salt out. Gasping for air, he adds, "It's great! Now, that doesn't show the salt's true potential. You need to be injured to watch the magic." He pulls out a knife and stabs himself in the chest. He immediately falls to the floor as red liquid spills from his t-shirt. He places the healing salt in his mouth and begins coughing again. Demogoblin looks up from his nap and has the tact to tilt the camera down to film the moment of his client's death, ready to sue Healing Salt Inc. (or whatever its called). However, the "wizard" somehow manages to shoot the salt out of his mouth and pops to his feet, red still dripping from his wound. He tilts the camera up to see him and says, "See! I feel good as new. Might not look the part, but hey, that's what beauty salts are for. I bet they'll release those sometime. That's all for today's episode. Next time, our ratings will rise to ultimate glory with my ultimate dish! Until then, thanks for watching good... night? I hope." The weirdo flips the camera off and pulls the knife out of his chest. He then proceeds to reach into his shirt and pull out about a dozen ketchup packets. "You know," Demogoblin adds, "red food coloring works better for-" "I know. But our food budget in here is Apocalypse, not 3-Star restaurant. These were all I had on hand." "Can't you just magic those up out of thin air?" The weirdo doesn't respond as he logs onto his pumpkin computer and uploads the video to TuTubo and the new Healing Salt online shop.
ACTION 3: Looks like O-R-I-G-I-N- is having a good time in his pumpkin-snail-prison-pumpkin house thingy. I guess I should help out with that!
A parcel labelled 'Evidence - for O-R-I-G-I-N-' lands at the feet of the pumpkin snails. The pumpkin snails, deducing (quite quickly) that the evidence needs to go to O-R-I-G-I-N-, sends it into the pumpkin-snail-prison-pumpkin house thingy (PSPP for short).
When the parcel teleports and splits open on the floor of the PSPP, it reveals a book labelled, '5 Million Poutine Recipes', along with a business card with the names and numbers of several good lawyers printed on it.
Action 1: I decide it might be a good idea to heal up some more. I go to look up healing potion recipes, but my phone is dead. I decide to just wing it and look for anything that might have some sort of good effect. By the end of the action I have found:
- Some stray poutine
- A bit of extra tomato sauce/Flying Spaghetti Monster milk
- A piece of skin that seems to have come from O_R_I_G_I_N_’s healed/heeled heel
- A small piece of gold from a golden sword
- A salted pumpkin snail
- Some healing salts
- And a partridge in a toast tree
Action 2: I mix the poutine, tomato sauce, heel skin, snail, and healing salts together, then put them in a blender. After that, I crush the gold and add it to the mixture. Finally, I put the pigeon in the bowl and let it sit there until the end of Action 3.
Action 3: I cast a modified version of Animate Object on another golden sword to turn it into a part of the animated sword. The swords aren’t attached to each other, but they share the same soul. I then take the partridge out of the bowl and drink the potion despite not knowing what it’ll do. It has a faint taste of partridge droppings. In other words, it’s delicious!
Edit: Forgot to give orders. One Punch Pigman, punch the Chimera’s mask! Elephant, charge at Trump! Swords, assassinate assassins!
The Darkness will listen to your Request.
You successfully destroy every part that was there when your entity initially turned into the Wall, doing 45 damage! The additions, though, you don't have a clue about.
charge continued!
You summon a portal, but the Chimera steps heavily to the side, dodging before your portal can fully form!
Orders given. the rock overseer... wait, if it oversees your entities, who oversees it? anyway, it now exists.
He who cannot be named tells you they are a small sect, no more then 12 worshippers, located in the river delta to the southwest. mushroom-shaped houses, he mentions- can't miss'm!
Orders given.
You increase the pyramid scheme's scale!...nobody but other players has internet access. good try, though!
Suddenly, the Empty Chimera accelerates, its three-jointed leg straightening in an instant and sending it flying forwards! Most of your entities are too surprised to act- but the Mask of Hungry Visitation, an Eishalon originally, asks twice, and one of the actions is mid-round! They dash around, rushing to interpose themselves between Hunger For Eggs On Toast and the foes path, when the Empty Chimera grins at them, mask shining. It's pure white, and that makes it the opposite, the opposite, of what but the mask of Hesitation's mask, a black mask, not the same shape but so similar, holes for mouths and eyes for sight are holes in sight and blank mouths, a bland smile shining out instead of a spiked circle pointing ever-inward, dozens of colors shining through the eyes and nothing at all upon the mask, because the purity overwhelms all else. The masks bland smile is darkened by shadow, but even then it's the same, always the same in every way and unchanging, unchangeable, and ever-more eternal. Far more eternal then its opposition, for the Mask of Hesitation no longer is. It fell to circumstances. but this mask... no, it won't.
With a Start, the Mask of Hesitation realizes it stopped, but it's too late- the Empty Chimera already arrived, and the Mask is awkwardly off to the side instead of in the way. The Clawed hand comes forwards, blades all converging to a point as it closes into a sort of non-fist, slicing cleanly into Hunger for Eggs on Toast's flesh before yanking back out. As they stumble forwards, the shadow arm converges into a dripping spike, ready for them to fall onto, and before they can right themselves, the Slender arm yanks their head straight down, causing the spike to rip a long line of torn flesh along their body before tossing them aside.
Hunger for Eggs on Toast from Mediocre Wounds to Significant Wounds (the level between Serious and Critical)!
You put all your stuff, plus a spiked ball with leaves for spikes, in a safe!...?
Then, you work hard on advertising Healing Salt to your considerable and not even a little imaginary legions of fans!
You give the Weirdo a list of 5,000,000 Poutine recipes! (the Demogoblin probably incinerates the lawyer list before the Weirdo can see it, but that's just a guess.)
You manage to heal yourself all the way to Minor wounds! The Golden sword also gains 5 more HP and a second roll to determine Assassinate chargeup(it picks the lowest of its results)!
Steve manages to block some of the bleeding, but due to him not being healing during that time, the Squidship's health still drops by 4.
the mask gathers 7 rocks! The Pelicans keep gather rocks! so do the crabs!
From the Ruins of the windmill rises a monsterous thing. not so monsterous as the chimera, but more so then a human. Spindly limbs of metal hold it up, all angles and sharpness, while the 'spine' is stooped and flimsy. Its movement is a sound of metal-against-metal. but it does not speak.
Tree is Tree! toaster Toasts! boy wait! Chicken be! bunker exist!
The Golden Sword watches for opportunities... The one punch pigmen is dead! the Elephant, having not been told to use any of its IDMT's on this, only does 4 damage to the wall, because that's the vast majority of its power.
the Elephant, having no orders, idles.
the Chicken warms its eggs up more.
The Darkness given Form advances on Poutine, which responds by throwing up dozens of similar-looking collections of Poutine to distract. Undeterred, the Darkness's arm screams through the air, a blade of shadow slashing through each copy, before a final thrust tears into Poutine themself. With all the effort wasted, though, it only does 6 damage (and negates Poutine's action).
The Pumpkin snails come to a decision. the Weirdo finds the Pumpkin around them shifting... shifting into a new, unusually large, pumpkin snail! its immune system seems curious, but not hostile yet.
the Assassins keep sulking around. nobody understands them...
Trump spends some Dosh to have Awakened Rocks forged into his Wall, giving it the Awakened capability indirectly! it also heals 10 HP.
Poutine acted earlier.
And so did the Empty Chimera, though it looks around and selects its next target- The Interdimensional Elephant.
Battlefield.
[A-naturewriter] Terror Pants 127/200 HP (Bulletstorm, Spray and pray, machine gun, rockets, The big gun(locked on: None).). towering outside shopkeeper emporium.
method of transport. 4A.









0/3 Energy Diamonds, 0 Awakening integrity (depleted) BUFF.

.

Pumpkin Snails! 15x6 HP Pumpkin!A
Mechanical Monster 35/35 HP, 50% dodge, Sharpened limbs.

pretty buff. has protected 14 Er... .
Fascination Of Beyond! Signed photo of Waluigi! Box of Thymemicrophoneamen. In. A. Pumpkin. And has Demogoblin. and a Safe. full of stuff. and a spike-bush.
[A-naturewriter] Flying Spageti monster 32/55 HP 20 A/-15 A. in shopkeeper emporium to fight the Displacer...?
[OG-Acerak] Steve 43/25 HP, 0.5 Dig||Magic!A (Tunnel: 20.5/20)
[OG-Moose/Acerak] Squidship of the Meese. 2/30 HP, In constant pain, a
[OG-Shard-Shard-Hunger For Eggs on Toast] Eishalon III: Mask of Hungry Visitation for Eggs on Toast (75% accuracy. can hit enemies by accident. stuck to HV. Mask instarepairs. )
[ OG-srovy?] Kittenish Pelican 66 rocks, on HfEoT's head. awakened (9/9 integrity) , awake.
Earth Pelican 62 rocks, rock suit. O look the pelican. on the kitten on HfEoT's head. ( 1/8 integrity)
Rock Crabs 31 Rocks x6
[OG-Hunger(y) for Eggs on Toast] Toast Tree, 10/10 HP, Awakened(23/23 integrity), 2 toast.(+(1d2)d2 -1 toast/r) Intolerance Defence!
Toaster 30/30 HP. Toasting Toast II
Toasterboy 13 Rocks. Awakened (0/30 integrity)
Stone chicken 43+!^ Rocks. fed. processing food II. is a stone chicken. Awakened(0/26 integrity)
Bunker (surrounding Pantheon) 45 Rocks. Launcher (launches rocks.) Awakened(30/30 integrity)
[OG?-Arjan] Toast Pantheon 20/20 HP, immune to mold, surrounding tree. (awakened, 25/25 integrity)
Turrets 1x4 HP 1x4A, (awakened 25/25 integrity)
[OG-TheGreatOne] Golden Sword 10/10 HP, 1/1d8: Assassinate.
Pyramid Pigmen 1x7 hp, scheme exaggeration A!x7
Inter-Dimensional Elephant 200/200 HP, 2 IDMT(+1/R),Healthful Hygene,
Waluigi has left the premises. Waluigi Thyme!
[AG-Shard II] Eishalon II - Manifest Of Folly Some people know exactly what's going on, until they don't. the Eishalon may have been one of those... fryer, fryer, corpse on fi-er.
[OG-naturewriter] Cosmic Monolith 46/100 HP 75% dodge chance. Dark Pulse(65) Antimatter(25x3) Flash (?) 4/4 Doomsday. in shopkeeper emporium to fight the Displacer...?
[OG-Bardymcbardyface] Astral Plane Chicken 150/150 HP 10A, lays eggs! Perceptive Potential. in Shopkeep shop in a Colosseum!
Egg(x1d2 to 3+1d2) 20/20 HP (fostered III, Nurtured III. Warmed IV. any new ones lack these buffs but all have +1 fostered, +1 Warmed)
[OG-SmartTJ] Pigmen 1x12 hp, horde agro, (int)(0.25x12)atk.
[OG-LyricsDusk*] Some Dosh.
[All Hallows Eve-Lyricsdusk] Darkness given Form 50/50 HP 20A, blades of abyss,lightless onslaught. Darkness Given Soul ✦✦✦✦✦ SP, and something crawled out, but a hateful mirror. Darkness with purpose. •••••. heritage of the black star and the reign of none.
[OG] faithful Dog 200/100HP -33 to incoming damage! Solid diamond Deal with the Godmodder
[C] Nether Portal 10 HP, 11 resistance. active!
[AG] Assorted Assassins, 14x3 HP, 40% dodge. Poisoned: -1 HP/r! 6/1d8 : Assassinate.
[AG] Trump 50/50 HP. has hella dosh. is being payed even hella-er dosh. has 28 Awakened rocks. 4/4 for Namesake.
The Wall 111/20 HP, Guard Trump...and Poutine!!!!!A Awakened (25/25 integrity)
Poutine, 62 HP. +4 HP/turn. Is made of fries, cheese, and gravy. 1/4 What's Gravy even made of?.
[WAAAAAAAAA] Waluigi, Pristine physical condition. Capable Celebrity Chin. WAAA worthy wonderosity. Unbelievable Uvula. Glorious Golf club. Tremendous Tennis racket. Beautiful Badminton Bombarder and Buffness. Amazing Action Abilities. Spectacularly sizeable Slacks. King-worthy kitchen of Kooking. WALUIGI HAS LEFT THIS LOCATION WITH ALL OF ITS... LUIGIS. IT IS TIME. WALUIGI THYME. AND WALUIGI THYME WAITS FOR GNOME ANN!
[AG] 100, 100% HP, item in 4%! leaving in 3! Numerology!A, 2,004 total HP! In stasis due to seasonal event!
[All Hallows Eve] Empty Chimera. Slender Arm- Blemished. Dragging arm- Pristine. Claws-
Razor Sharp. Shadow Tendril- Dripping. Legs- Duo. Mask- Splintered porcelain-
white. ???, ???, ???.
[GM] Godmodder: 272 /300 HP 1/4 dimensionality, has rock snake (corpse?). Maintaining Empty Chimera. currently immune to attack.
Hunger For Eggs On Toast: Founder, 66% skill. Owns a Unique 'Magic Factory', Needs stuff he doesn't have. like FLEX TAP? woodworking skill which is not the same thing as cutting down trees: sufficient+. 1C.AC. Stuck to Mask of Hungresitation. Rock Mask, 97 rocks,23 cakes , Gathering Pickaxe FAICE!, Stone Rose, Is a fusion of Hungry Visitor and Srovy (6 actions! Actions must be self-consistent! Potential power boost. or not. more resistant to attack!) Awakened by HV (Tier 0.6 / 2), depleted. on battlefield. has several voidshards (~5). Completely untrustworthy. Ridiculous Wounds. Significant Wounds.
Aeisenberg: with Phil swift, but not in the update room! rapier (minor attack buff)... +1?, Favour of the Deva, Coronal Relic (cyan), Awakened by HV (Tier 0.6), Probably Not a Martian.
OrcalordBeyond: On battlefield, is a god which is possessing an air elemental which has turned into a offbrand flex sealed old yellow fire-breath animal and is flying. in Paradox Tennis (If an update passes between their post and the next P.tennis one, they can post in the main dop too.)
Dracoflamer: on battlefield, probably(?)! deserves to be remembered forever. f'real. Cannot exhaust or over-strain muscles.
ADrunkenDwarf: hand cut! Large Voidshard- sharp. 4 unknown objects(radiating bits of magic every so often), 6 practical joke implements. Yellow Eishalon Mask (5.7) - Storms Squire II, Thunder Twitches I, 𝔇𝔯𝔞𝔠𝔬𝔫𝔦𝔠 𝔇ominance VI (Draconic Dominance.).
SirNatureWriter: just check their sector. shiny, !shiny! scrap metal, 2070ish? bottles of Restricted Godmodder energy. isn't currently being a shopkeeper. Book from the Globglogabgalab's set (Animated).
Acerak the Eternal.
<Garfield the Tabaxi: Reviled by Globglogabgalab!
slightly wounded. guardian spirits, summoning mount, shielded, 1 charge stored. Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Pong-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Thumb War-Monopoly-Tennis is a sane game for sane people?!>BardymcBardface: light wounds! historianism III! 2 charges! in weird lobby!
O_R_I_G_I_N: Light Wounds.
The Great One: Minor Wounds.
LyricsDusk:. 6 Soul Points. Tenebrous Leverage.
I have been significantly wounded. I know what to do. Flesh is weak, Stone is strong. I replace the flesh I lost with Stone, significantly boosting my durability and turning what was wound into something stronger...
Indeed who oversees the overseer? I create an stone head at one of my stone scars and then connect a long stone neck to the stone overseer. I shall oversee the overseer with my stone head.
All entities collect rock, Mask of Hesitation guard me, toaster boy watch the toast.
I create a rock gunner that will man the rock launcher. Rock gunner, open fire on the empty chimera!
ENTITY ACTIONS: Turn your attention to the Mechanical Monster and strike at its core, Darkness.
ACTION 1: Let's leave O-R-I-G-I-N- alone for a round, and deal with this Empty Chimera.
From my hand, a blade of abyss manifests, borrowed from the Darkness. I move the blade forward, and in what seems like an instant, the blade slashes forward at the Empty Chimera's legs too fast to see. A moment later, and the damage is done; one of the Empty Chimera's legs has been forcibly separated from its user.
ACTION 2: I pull out a machine gun, and open fire on the Mechanical Monster. But the bullets fired are no ordinary bullets; they're reflective.
A laser gun pulled out strikes a reflective bullet; the laser ricochets around the web of bullets in a single second, aimed directly at the Mechanical Monster's spine. The laser hits, severs the spine neatly, and the Mechanical Monster slowly topples to the ground, completely paralysed.
I awaken the rock gunner. I awaken two rock crabs.
The Squidship is steered around to the southwest, before rocketing off at obscene speeds towards the mushroom-village. The ship is clearly on its last legs, so Gary's orders are to keep the thing alive long enough to reach the village.
Joe Ritual: 16/50
Walton Gibson - Human Cleric, Level 1
I roll for instakill14
I am leader of the yep cult:https://www.dndbeyond.com/forums/off-topic/adohands-kitchen/82135-yep-cult Pronouns are she/her
Action 1: "HA HA! Plan achieved!" Demogoblin gives the weirdo a very disappointed look. "Where will this get us again?" "NOWHERE! Ha!" "Why did I let you hire me?" "Because of the goodness of your heart. Or that you don't do enough advertising, so I am your exclusive client." Demogoblin grumbles something about getting a business card. As Demogoblin complains, the weirdo is interested by the curious immune system. And by interested, I mean so in the most egotistical sense of the word. "FINALLY, actual fans!" He... floats?... Is he in the stomach or a vein? Regardless, he floats over to the pumpkiny white blood cells. "You all must be my biggest fans!" The white blood cells seem completely neutral to that statement. This annoys the "wizard". "Come on! You know me. The Kookoo from Cooking with Kookoo! I filmed an episode here- okay, sort of right here- just a bit ago. Well, it's a great show. It's all the rage on... what channel did I sign with? Anyways, it's a great show. You probably all want my personal Kookoo Cookbook. I'll get you all signed, autographed copies right now." It is just then that he realizes that he does not, in fact, have his own Kookoo Cookbook and, if he did, he doubts he would have enough for all of the white blood cells in the snail's immune system. As he fumbles for literally anything he can do, he realizes that he was just sent a package. He opens it up and finds the "5 Million Poutine Recipes" book and a small scorch mark. For a moment, he questions the scorch mark, but quickly remembers he has fans to satisfy. He takes out a piece of paper and a pen, and writes, "KOOKOO COOKBOOK! By: The Fabulous WIZARD". He takes out a few pieces of duct tape and sticks the new title over the book cover. He then opens it to the first page, uses white out to mark out any mention of the author's name, and signs, "To my favorite blood cells. THE WIZARD". He then hands the book to the leading white blood cells. "This truly is my greatest work. If you wanna find out if I'm a threat or not, it's in here." The weirdo then turns slowly away as the white blood cells slowly begin devouring the five million poutine recipes. "That should take them a minute or two," he whispers to Demogoblin.
Action 2: The weirdo and Demogoblin attempt to climb up through some tract or another to get to the snail's mouth... Wait, do snails have mouths? Doo duh doo. The Grand Elgoog says that snails do, in fact, have mouths. So the "wizard" and Demogoblin attempt to go there. Normally, this is where some silly humor or excessive stupidity would come into play, but, ironically enough, the weirdo doesn't know enough about this snail/normal snail anatomy to do anything stupid. So now we know. The only way to stop him from being stupid is to make him not know anything. Interesting.
Action 3: As they travel through the slimy depths of the pumpkin snail (which vaguely tastes what would happen if you took the pumpkin filling of a pumpkin pie and mixed it with tortoise phlegm), the weirdo reads through his scroll. "The Assassins are DEPRESSED!? I haven't used my depression juice yet! I don't think." He quickly checks his safe. "No, I have not used my it." He reaches into his sleeves and pulls out a very blocky phone and calls 1-800-273-8255. The phone rings a few times and the "wizard" worries he doesn't get reception in here. Fortunately, someone answers. "Hello! This is the National Suicide Prevention Hotline. How may I help you?" "Ah, yes. You see, I'm calling you from inside a giant pumpkin snail- wait wait wait! Don't hang up! I'm fine. You see, I have these friends. They like shadowy colors and hidden blades and they're... somewhere outside of the snail I'm stuck in- I'm not joking. You see, they've been having some problems with their self esteems. You see, their job is to *cough* manage personnel *cough* for this one company- what was it called?... I think its some subsidiary or something of Trump Towers... it's either that or they're a part of GM. You know, the car company. Totally not some multi-dimensional super villain. The car company. But um... yeah. They haven't had too many people to *cough* manage *cough*, so they've been feeling a bit down in the dumps. They just don't feel like anyone understands them. I'm just worried. Could you send some people over to check on them; make sure they're okay. Oh, and, if you could, mention my name. It's- now this is gonna sound weird- the 'Wizard'. 'W'-'I'-'Z'-'A'-'R'-'D'. 'Wizard'. Yeah, it's just a professional title. Totally. I don't think they'd recognize my real name. Plus everyone spells it wrong, so please don't ask. Could you just come here and tell them the 'wizard' sent you?" "Um..." Chatter is heard on the other end of the line. It's like they don't believe him or something. After a solid five minutes of discussion and nervous laughter, the receiver responds, "We'll be there right away." "Thank you SO MUCH." He hangs up the phone and complains to Demogoblin. "Uuuuugh. That was painful. I need, like, a note card to explain this stuff. It can't sound that nice though. I feel like I'm puking rainbows. It's a terrible-"
Action 1: I notice the Chimera looking at the Elephant, So I order the Elephant to make a portal to another dimension and go through it to escape. The Chimera might be able to slice through dimensions again to follow, but hopefully it’ll decide to go for an easier target. I notice a familiar FedEx truck parked near the other side of the portal, and decide to go through too. I break into the truck. The controls for creating inter-dimensional portals seem surprisingly simple. I create a portal back to the battlefield and drive through it. The portal closes behind me. I drive towards the Chimera at full speed, jumping out of the truck just before crashing into it.
Action 2: I find a medium-sized stone on the ground. I hold it up to the darkness, letting darkness seep into the stone, turning it into a stone of dusk.
Action 3: I join Acerak in the ritual to summon Joe.
Orders: Sword, keep looking for opportunities to assassinate assassins! Pyramid Pigmen, find more people to join the pyramid scheme!
Consuming 90 Rocks, you manage to heal yourself all the way to Light Wounds(there is a big math for this.)! That makes sense.
You oversee the overseer and give them oversight!
entities ordered, and you create a rock gunner... it's not very strong since you just used most of your rocks, but it'll do.
Suggestion given! The Chimera's dripping arm seems almost gravitated towards your sword, though, and collides with it mid-swing. There's a brief power struggle, but the Chimera pulls in some incomprehensible way, and the blade collapses into wisps of black smoke.
You fire a laser at the Mechanical Monster! The Spine is a pretty small target, but you manage to hit it anyway, doing 25 damage... the metal groans, but does not collapse.
you awaken them somewhat!
You rocket towards the Mushroom village! As you leave the battlefield, the darkness seems to lighten around you... no longer oppressive and still, there are now stars in the sky, and a slight purple tint along it. You will arrive next turn, though the squidship is likely to die soon after.
You roll to instakill! the Godmodder rolls to not get instakilled with DC equal to the instakill roll! The Godmodder rolls his favourite set of dice: the 20D20 D20, which has 20D20 dice, each of which is a D20! Pulling his D20 out of the set, he finds there are currently 252 different D20 there! rolling the 252 D20, he gets 2541 on his combined instakill resistance roll, deflecting the instakill! Of course, the Godmodder in this case is a metaphor. A metaphor for instakills not being possible as a generalised capability due to varying healths of various targets making them unbalanced.
You give the White Blood Cells a book! they devour it voraciously and occasionally literally. Luckily, eating the book means they don't have any proof it wasn't a KOOKOO COOKBOOK, so they don't come at you in fury. You climb all the way up to the snails mouth which it apparently has, and peak out... The giant Snail is snailing its way through an infinite pumpkin patch. A short distance ahead of it- no more then 30 minutes or at most two turns ahead- is a incongruous pit of molten pumpkin which looks suspiciously like retextured lava, and a bit off to the side you see a portal leading back to the battlefield.
You also call the suicide prevention hotline! they quickly find the angstiest, most teenage of the assassins which nobody understands and cart them off to teach them the value of life. One Assassin non-lethally removed from the field!
You crash a FedEx truck into the Chimera, which slices it cleanly in half with its Claws, avoiding damage!
You then hold up a rock to the darkness. a purple tremor seems to go through the area, but it's gone quickly enough you might have imagined it. The resulting stone seems... off, from your original plan, a sort of gradiented purple like whatever it originally was was held at a fire too long.
You join Acerak! their charge gets an extra CP. Orders given!
Steve heals the Squidship, holding it together... It flies Acerak towards the mushroom villages.
The Mask collects 7+7 rocks! the Pelicans also collect rocks.... the crabs collect 3+4+3+2+3+1 rocks! the Tree is a Tree and the toaster a toaster and the boy a boy and the chicken a chicken! The Launcher launches some rocks at the Empty Chimera, but it bats some of them away with its slender arm and dodges the rest.
The sword hovers, the pigmen all work on the pyramid scheme, and the Inter-dimensional elephant runs away from the Empty Chimera! The Darkness lashes out against the Mechanical Monster, and one of the slashes hits home, killing it. the Astral Plane Chicken is a chicken. The Pumpkin Snails seem anticipatory...
The remaining assassins loiter... they're getting close to dying, but surely the Godmodder will give them the antidote before that happens, right?
Trump tries to hire some security contracters to come heal the wall, but for vague economic and political reasons there's a sudden dearth of them, even with his Hella Dosh to pay people with. Poutine summons Poutine... somewhere. hm.
The Empty Chimera keeps advancing towards the Interdimensional Elephants escape point, and stops. the darkness of its arm pools on the ground, then rises up into a mangled frame, like a door or an archway wrought of pitch-black metal. It flickers, and then there's a path. Advancing through, the Chimera slashes at it, claws deep red as they open holes that are much the same. its Slender arm comes up next, deftly reaching into the hole and pulling out some organ or another. probably a kidney. or a liver. maybe a spleen? what does a spleen Do, anyway? it throws the organ at the Elephant, then turns, gazing back through the portal it made at the battlefield, considering. Overall, 85 damage to the Elephant, minus 30 for it having partially escaped.
Battlefield.
[A-naturewriter] Terror Pants 127/200 HP (Bulletstorm, Spray and pray, machine gun, rockets, The big gun(locked on: None).). towering outside shopkeeper emporium.
method of transport. 4A. out of the battlefield!









0/3 Energy Diamonds, 0 Awakening integrity (depleted) BUFF.



.

Pumpkin Snails! 15x6 HP Pumpkin!A
Mechanical Monster DEAD/35 HP, 50% dodge, Sharpened limbs.

pretty buff. has protected 14 Er... .
Fascination Of Beyond! Signed photo of Waluigi! Box of Thymemicrophoneamen. In. A. Pumpkin. And has Demogoblin. and a Safe. full of stuff. and a spike-bush.
[A-naturewriter] Flying Spageti monster 32/55 HP 20 A/-15 A. in shopkeeper emporium to fight the Displacer...?
[OG-Acerak] Steve 43/25 HP, 0.5 Dig||Magic!A (Tunnel: 20.5/20) out of the battlefield!
[OG-Moose/Acerak] Squidship of the Meese. 3/30 HP, In constant pain, a
[OG-Shard-Shard-Hunger For Eggs on Toast] Eishalon III: Mask of Hungry Visitation for Eggs on Toast (75% accuracy. can hit enemies by accident. stuck to HV. Mask instarepairs. )
[ OG-srovy?] Kittenish Pelican 71 rocks, on HfEoT's head. awakened (9/9 integrity) , awake.
Earth Pelican 64 rocks, rock suit. O look the pelican. on the kitten on HfEoT's head. ( 1/8 integrity)
Rock Crabs 33 Rocks x6 awakened x2(13x2 integrity)
[OG-Hunger(y) for Eggs on Toast] Toast Tree, 10/10 HP, Awakened(23/23 integrity), 3 toast.(+(1d2)d2 -1 toast/r) Intolerance Defence!
Toaster 30/30 HP. Toasting Toast III
Toasterboy 13 Rocks. Awakened (0/30 integrity)
Stone chicken 39+@) Rocks. fed. processing food III. is a stone chicken. Awakened(0/26 integrity)
Bunker (surrounding Pantheon) 45 Rocks. Launcher (launches rocks. jammed with poutine. manned by 7-rock gunner with 13 awaken!) Awakened(30/30 integrity)
[OG?-Arjan] Toast Pantheon 20/20 HP, immune to mold, surrounding tree. (awakened, 25/25 integrity)
Turrets 1x4 HP 1x4A, (awakened 25/25 integrity)
[OG-TheGreatOne] Golden Sword 10/10 HP, 2/1d8: Assassinate.
Pyramid Pigmen 1x7 hp, scheme exaggeration A!x7
Inter-Dimensional Elephant 145/200 HP, 2 IDMT(+1/R),Healthful Hygene,
Waluigi has left the premises. Waluigi Thyme!
[AG-Shard II] Eishalon II - Manifest Of Folly Some people know exactly what's going on, until they don't. the Eishalon may have been one of those... fryer, fryer, corpse on fi-er.
[OG-naturewriter] Cosmic Monolith 46/100 HP 75% dodge chance. Dark Pulse(65) Antimatter(25x3) Flash (?) 4/4 Doomsday. in shopkeeper emporium to fight the Displacer...?
[OG-Bardymcbardyface] Astral Plane Chicken 150/150 HP 10A, lays eggs! Perceptive Potential. in Shopkeep shop in a Colosseum!
Egg(x1d2 to 3+1d2) 20/20 HP (fostered III, Nurtured III. Warmed IV. any new ones lack these buffs but all have +1 fostered, +2 Warmed)
[OG-SmartTJ] Pigmen 1x12 hp, horde agro, (int)(0.25x12)atk.
[OG-LyricsDusk*] Some Dosh.
[All Hallows Eve-Lyricsdusk] Darkness given Form 50/50 HP 20A, blades of abyss,lightless onslaught. Darkness Given Soul ✦✦✦✦✦ SP, and something crawled out, but a hateful mirror. Darkness with purpose. •••••. heritage of the black star and the reign of none.
[OG] faithful Dog 200/100HP -33 to incoming damage! Solid diamond Deal with the Godmodder
[C] Nether Portal 10 HP, 11 resistance. active!
[AG] Assorted Assassins, 13x2 HP, 40% dodge. Poisoned: -1 HP/r! 6/1d8 : Assassinate.
[AG] Trump 50/50 HP. has hella dosh. is being payed even hella-er dosh. has 28 Awakened rocks. 4/4 for Namesake.
The Wall 111/20 HP, Guard Trump...and Poutine!!!!!A Awakened (25/25 integrity)
Poutine, 66 HP. +4 HP/turn. Is made of fries, cheese, and gravy. 2/4 What's Gravy even made of?.
[WAAAAAAAAA] Waluigi, Pristine physical condition. Capable Celebrity Chin. WAAA worthy wonderosity. Unbelievable Uvula. Glorious Golf club. Tremendous Tennis racket. Beautiful Badminton Bombarder and Buffness. Amazing Action Abilities. Spectacularly sizeable Slacks. King-worthy kitchen of Kooking. WALUIGI HAS LEFT THIS LOCATION WITH ALL OF ITS... LUIGIS. IT IS TIME. WALUIGI THYME. AND WALUIGI THYME WAITS FOR GNOME ANN!
[AG] 100, 100% HP, item in 4%! leaving in 3! Numerology!A, 2,004 total HP! In stasis due to seasonal event!
[All Hallows Eve] Empty Chimera. Slender Arm- Blemished. Dragging arm- Pristine. Claws-
Razor Sharp. Shadow Tendril- Dripping. Legs- Duo. Mask- Splintered porcelain-
white. ???, ???, ???.
[GM] Godmodder: 272 /300 HP 1/4 dimensionality, has rock snake (corpse?). Maintaining Empty Chimera. currently immune to attack.
Hunger For Eggs On Toast: Founder, 66% skill. Owns a Unique 'Magic Factory', Needs stuff he doesn't have. like FLEX TAP? woodworking skill which is not the same thing as cutting down trees: sufficient+. 1C.AC. Stuck to Mask of Hungresitation. Rock Mask, 18 rocks,23 cakes , Gathering Pickaxe FAICE!, Stone Rose, Is a fusion of Hungry Visitor and Srovy (6 actions! Actions must be self-consistent! Potential power boost. or not. more resistant to attack!) Awakened by HV (Tier 0.6 / 2), depleted. on battlefield. has several voidshards (~5). Completely untrustworthy. Ridiculous Wounds. Light Wounds.
Aeisenberg: with Phil swift, but not in the update room! rapier (minor attack buff)... +1?, Favour of the Deva, Coronal Relic (cyan), Awakened by HV (Tier 0.6), Probably Not a Martian.
OrcalordBeyond: On battlefield, is a god which is possessing an air elemental which has turned into a offbrand flex sealed old yellow fire-breath animal and is flying. in Paradox Tennis (If an update passes between their post and the next P.tennis one, they can post in the main dop too.)
Dracoflamer: on battlefield, probably(?)! deserves to be remembered forever. f'real. Cannot exhaust or over-strain muscles.
ADrunkenDwarf: hand cut! Large Voidshard- sharp. 4 unknown objects(radiating bits of magic every so often), 6 practical joke implements. Yellow Eishalon Mask (5.7) - Storms Squire II, Thunder Twitches I, 𝔇𝔯𝔞𝔠𝔬𝔫𝔦𝔠 𝔇ominance VI (Draconic Dominance.).
SirNatureWriter: just check their sector. shiny, !shiny! scrap metal, 2070ish? bottles of Restricted Godmodder energy. isn't currently being a shopkeeper. Book from the Globglogabgalab's set (Animated).
Acerak the Eternal.
<Garfield the Tabaxi: Reviled by Globglogabgalab!
slightly wounded. guardian spirits, summoning mount, shielded, 1 charge stored. Paradox-Billiards-Vostroyan-Pong-Roulette-Fourth Dimensional-Hypercube-Chess-Thumb War-Monopoly-Tennis is a sane game for sane people?!>BardymcBardface: light wounds! historianism III! 2 charges! in weird lobby!
O_R_I_G_I_N: Light Wounds.
The Great One: Minor Wounds.
LyricsDusk:. 6 Soul Points. Tenebrous Leverage.
Rock gunner, fix the rock cannon. Toast boy, watch the toast. Overseer, oversee the entities. Mask, defend the base against attackers. Entities left collect rock.
I upgrade the Overseer with the collected rock, giving the overseer the ability to increase the overall rock morale.
I create yet another 2-way portal and pull the Unique Magic Factory into the base.
I try to upgrade rocks into special rock ammunition that is better than normal rock using the Unique Magic Factory.
I petition Joe for knowledge of how I might locate the sect members, so I may slay them in his name, and I put a temporary invisibility spell on the ship (2 turns).
Gary orders: JUST KEEP THE SHIP ALIVE. PLEASE.
Joe Ritual: 19/50
Walton Gibson - Human Cleric, Level 1
O-R-I-G-I-N-, you just wasted my gift. Come on.
ENTITY ACTIONS: Darkness, strike at the Wall's vital points.
ACTION 1: Time to deal with the Empty Chimera's arms.
I fling a knife at the Chimera's dragging arm, lodging the knife directly into the arm. Then the knife starts twisting, rotating, destroying vital veins and muscles, before it finally explodes into shrapnel that cuts deeply into the Empty Chimera's dragging arm.
ACTION 2 (Charge): The bicyclic creature begins twisting itself into a shape, resembling a... cyclops?
Bicyclops: 9/10
GOD LEVEL MAGIC MISSILE AT THE GODMODDER THREE TIMES
Gandalf_The_Gray, goddess of the quote chain | NG | Knowledge, Life | Female brass dragonborn head facing left
NOTICE
I will be inactive until August. Thank you for your patience.
Entity Order: "Ah, finally. I was getting bored of the color orange. So, Demogoblin, you go slide down there and see if you can find any good bombing pumpkins. I'd suggest watching for landmines. These snails seem a bit fishy." "And what are you going to do?" "Hijack a snail." And so Demogoblin slides down the snail in search of pumpkins and the weirdo moves on to Action 1.
Action 1: The "wizard" holds up a map of a snail's inner anatomy as a tourist would hold a map of Hong Kong. His hands are fully extended as if it was actually made of snail guts (which aren't as bad as you'd expect when everything tastes pumpkiny), and he keeps flipping the map around as if he could have the model upside down. Finally, he gives a questioning nod. "Huh. Snail brains are actually above the mouth. That's almost weird. I dunno why. Well, I'm in the mouth, so the... radula, apparently... should be..." It is then that he realizes he is standing on it. "Okay! Into the nervous system I go! MINISCULOSO PEN-INFINTESIMO ATOMONY!" As he yells all of that gibberish, he suddenly becomes very very tiny. So tiny, in fact, that he cannot be seen by the naked eye. So small, that he could shake the hand of a sodium atom that seems huge in comparison. So small, that he is small. "Wait. WHAT!? This wasn't what I was going for! I was gonna shrink the snail and fit it into my pocket! I was gonna make a radula joke and everything! It was gonna be a good one too. What happens when a snail loses its radula? Pi aren't squared!... That sounded better in my head... Okay, who am I kidding. That was never gonna be funny. I think if it wasn't a snail pun it would be better." The weirdo then seems to realize he was targeted by the spell. "What am I gonna do now?"
Action 2: Looking at his map again, he realizes that snails ave nerves. That means they have a brain. "That could work." At his new size, the "wizard" squeezes into the radula, finds a motor neuron, and climbs the snail's motor neuron pathways all the way to its brain. "You know, this is actually pretty useful. Think of the dodge chance. Too bad I was using the one turn variant. I figured once the snail was small, I could just shove it in my safe... Then again, it could have dodged. Meh."
Action 3: Once at the brain, the weirdo gets to work. He produces tons of wires out of his sleeves and plugs them into as many points in the snail's brain he can fit. He then plugs them into a single microphone. "Watch, this is how all mind control works." He screams into the microphone, "TURN TOWARDS THE PORTAL YOU STUPID SNAIL." As the vibrations are shot directly into the snail's brain as a somewhat subconscious message, the microphone breaks. "Whoops. Too loud." With nothing else to do in the brain, he tries to squeeze a bit of excess Action 2 energy into Action 3 and sneaks back to the snail's mouth and finally leaves the snail, probably to land on some pumpkin landmine or a pumpkin bear trap. That second one could be tasty. A pumpkin bear. Bear fur probably goes great with pumpkin.
(Hmm... Ran out of creative juices for this one. Meh.)
I summon asmodeus
I am leader of the yep cult:https://www.dndbeyond.com/forums/off-topic/adohands-kitchen/82135-yep-cult Pronouns are she/her
ACTION 3: A crystalline shard glimmers in the dim light. I pull my hand over it, and it begins to start glowing.
Bodhisattva Bullet: 1/20