Hello everyone.

Let me start saying that I'm not very good at writing decent BGs and descriptions for my characters. I used to be good when I was in high school, but now my imagination is awfully rusty and hardly works anymore. Also, english is not my native language, so keep that in mind as you read through those lines and let me know if I did any mistake regarding grammar or composition in general.

That said, I want you to give an eye to my first full-built character for D&D 5E. His name is Temed, an half-orc fighter raised by priests of Tempus in Waterdeep. I'd like to play him in a PbP game here on DDB, if I ever manage to find one. I would like to hear your opinions about his backstory and other descriptive text, what I did well and what not, where I can add something and where I can trim to make the reading smoother.

BACKSTORY

After his father left and his mother died of starvation, Temed was left on the streets of Waterdeep to meet the same fate when he was only 3 years old. It was when he was ready to draw his last breath that Granmand, a dwarven priest of Tempus, rescued him and offered the child to go live with him at the House of Heroes, the local temple of the God of Battles. Temed agreed eagerly, and from that day he became an acolyte to the Foehammer, serving his deity with both body and soul.

As soon as he became able to wield a weapon he started training to forge his body to serve Tempus on the battlefield one day, and when he wasn't training he spent his time tempering his soul in meditation and studying the sacred texts of his deity. He rarely left the temple, feeling protected inside its halls, surrounded by the priests and his fellow acolytes, fearing that going back to the streets that almost saw him dying would put him in a kind of danger he couldn't face with his martial and spiritual training.

Some time ago Granmand fell victim to an unknown sickness, which none of the priests spells or medicine could cure. On his death bed the dwarven priest told Temed that he always thought of him as a son, and made the half-orc promise to go and experience the world, to bring glory to Tempus in battles and help the weak people fighting for them when they could not. Temed swore he would fulfill his savior's demands as the dwarf drew his last breath, and after a few days he set out to travel the Realms.

ALLIES

Temed's most notable ally was Granmand Strongbrew, a dwarven priest of Tempus who rescued him when he was a kid. The dwarf taught him almost everything he knows about the God of Battles, his rites and his teachings, and was also frequently a sparring partner during the half-orc's training sessions. They shared a relationship as close as that between a father and his son, and when Granmand died of a mysterious illness Temed suffered a great deal.

Temed can count many other inhabitants of the House of Heroes as his friends and allies, and Gelcam Truebreath, the master-at-arms of the temple, is one of those. The towering human has been the half-orc's instructor since he was just a kid, barely able to wield a weapon, and grew very fond of Temed as his martial prowess grew through the years.

Another person that Temed could consider a friend is Hokran Stoutriver, an ex-acolyte of the House of Heroes and another of Granmand protégés. This slender but surprisingly strong human has always been in a friendly rivalry with the half-orc since they were kids, and the two always challenge each other to push themselves beyond their limits, to decide who was the strongest warrior in the temple. Three years ago, following a quarrel with Granmand, Hokran left the House of Heroes, telling Temed that he would seek honor and glory in the name of Tempus as a mercenary, and the young man hasn't ever been seen since.

APPEARANCE

A towering half-orc in his twenties, Temed is a very robust fellow. He has a muscular body, visible even under his chain mail, broad and strong shoulders, and arms wide as buckets. He stands tall in a proud pose, but his tight-shut jaw and his nervous black eyes fail to hide a certain uneasiness when he finds himself outside. He keeps his brown beard and hair tidy and neat, which give him a dignified look.

Thank you in advance for your constructive critics.

Unfortunately we cannot access the notes and background section when viewing someone elses character sheet.  So you will have to copy paste it into the thread.

That is really unfortunate. I'll update my post with the backstory and description of Temed asap.

A half orc fighter servant of the god of battle It's like you knew exactly the kind of guy I like. What archetype are you looking at?

I like your story hooks. Your DM might make use of the open threads involving his father, the sickness that brought down his mentor, what's happening with Hokran. If I were your DM, I'd be pretty happy with that..

I'm not sure which martial archetype I'm going to take once I got to 3rd level, but I'm thinking the Champion one would suits him well. The Battle Master is also interesting. I don't know, we will see how the PC will evolve (if I ever find a game to play).

You have some good hooks that your DM can use to bring in NPCs and a solid Idea for what kind of character you are.  It leaves you some options of how you want to play, perhaps sometimes being timid or afraid in circumstances that relate to your past traumas.  Perhaps also some empathy for those that live on the streets, especially those that have lost their parents or those that are starving.

I like it I think it has pretty much everything I look for in a good backstory.  Not so long and in depth that is restrictive with good pieces to use for how you play your character and for the DM to utilize in the story.

Thank you HeroZero, I'm glad you appreciate my efforts :)