This item first appears to be a Large sealed iron barrel weighing 500 pounds. The barrel has a hidden catch, which can be found with a successful DC 20 Intelligence Investigation check. Releasing the catch unlocks a hatch at one end of the barrel, allowing an unknown amount of creatures to crawl inside. If the creature is large or above size class medium, they make a Dexterity Check with a DC of 15 to enter. Failure results in them getting stuck in the hatch, which is embarrassing at worst, really. They may repeat the check any amount of times, and once they succeed it, they no longer must make the check to enter or exit the barrel. Ten levers and several buttons are set in a row at the far end, each in a neutral position, able to move either up or down. When certain levers are used, the apparatus transforms to resemble a clown car with modifications. The apparatus of the Clown is a Large object with the following statistics:
Armor Class: 20
Hit Points: 200
Speed: 30 ft., swim 30 ft. (or 0 ft. for both if the legs and tail aren't extended), climb 30 ft.
Damage Immunities: poison, psychic
To be used as a vehicle, the apparatus requires one pilot. While the apparatus's hatch is closed, the compartment is airtight and watertight. The compartment holds enough air for 10 hours of breathing, divided by the number of breathing creatures inside. However, the apparatus is filled with Oxygen tanks, as well as some air recycling system, making the issue of air irrelevant.
The apparatus floats on water. It can also go underwater to a depth of 900 feet. Below that, the vehicle takes 2d6 bludgeoning damage per minute from pressure.
A creature in the compartment can use an action to move as many as two of the apparatus's levers up or down. After each use, a lever goes back to its neutral position. Each lever, from left to right, functions as shown in the Apparatus of the Crab Levers table.
Apparatus of the Crab Levers
| Lever | Up | Down |
| 1 | Legs and tail extend, allowing the apparatus to walk and swim. | Legs and tail retract, reducing the apparatus's speed to 0 and making it unable to benefit from bonuses to speed. |
| 2 | Forward window shutter opens. | Forward window shutter closes. |
| 3 | Side window shutters open (two per side). | Side window shutters close (two per side). |
| 4 | Two hands extend from the front sides of the apparatus. | The hands retract. |
| 5 | Each extended hand makes the following melee weapon attack: +8 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 10 (2d10) bludgeoning damage. | Each extended hand makes the following melee weapon attack: +8 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: The target is grappled (escape DC 15). |
| 6 | The apparatus walks or swims forward. | The apparatus walks or swims backward. |
| 7 | The apparatus turns 90 degrees left. | The apparatus turns 90 degrees right. |
| 8 | Eyelike fixtures emit bright light in a 30-foot radius and dim light for an additional 30 feet. | The light turns off. |
| 9 | The apparatus sinks as much as 20 feet in liquid. | The apparatus rises up to 20 feet in liquid. |
| 10 | The rear hatch unseals and opens. |
The rear hatch closes and seals. |
The first lever has a small button on the end, however. Pressing it while pushing the lever up causes the legs and tail to be replaced with wheels. While the wheels are out, the Apparatus doubles its movement speed on land, and gains 30 feet per turn of climb speed. However, the tires leave it less suitable to travel the water. (Hydroplaning.) It cannot move while in the water while its wheels are out. Additionally, the hands are also able to perform gestures and grab things. When it has something grappled, it can move while holding it. However, if the grappled target is above half the weight of the apparatus itself, the apparatus moves half of its normal movement speed. The Apparatus may also ram enemies while its wheels are out. When the pilot chooses to ram, they may make a melee weapon attack with a range of 60 feet. If the attack succeeds, the Apparatus charges the hapless target, and RAMS it. Rammed target may be grappled by force if the Ram's range was less than 60 feet for that attack, and the enemy flies off at the start of their turn. If the Ram uses the full 60' the target is doing and must reroll initiative.
There are a few buttons the front of the barrel has. The middle button triggers a car horn rendition of "La Cucaracha". The right button causes two small cannons to emerge from the apparatus, but only the barrels just out, slightly resembling horns with how they do. The cannons can be fired as a ranged weapon attack. It has a range of 60 feet, and the cannonball explosion has a radius of 15 feet around the target. The cannons have a +8 to hit, and on hitting a target, each does 2d12 damage, and everyone around the target must succeed on a DC 14 Dex Saving Throw or take the 2d12 damage and be knocked prone as well, success taking only half the damage and not being knocked prone. The target hit must succeed a DC 16 Strength Check or fall prone. All attacks the Apparatus undertake are bonus actions for it, and it may make two attacks if it has two of that weapon type.
The left button just fires glitter and confetti. If the cannons are out, it fires from the cannons. If the hands are out, they toss it. If neither are, the pilot must choose a way to dispense glitter and confetti. Upon it being dispensed, the apparatus casts confusion. It may do this three times per day.
Notes: Resistance: Bludgeoning, Piercing, and Slashing from Nonmagical Attacks, Immunity: Charmed, Immunity: Poisoned, Immunity: Disease, Utility, Exploration, Combat
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