Beard of Holding

Wondrous item, rare (requires attunement by a dwarf)

“A dwarf’s beard is their pride. But if it can also carry a keg, an anvil, and a goat? That’s proper engineering.”
— Brundrak Copperchin, dwarven artificer and beardsmith

This enchanted, rune-woven beard is the crowning achievement of dwarven arcano-engineering. Thick as mithral rope and braided with tiny tool charms, gemstone toggles, and more pockets than a rogue's coat, the Beard of Holding is both a fashion statement and a portable storage vault.

Upon attunement, the beard fuses (painlessly!) with the user’s facial hair, either replacing or enhancing it. It grows to an absurd but glorious volume — roughly 2 feet in diameter and 2 feet deep — without impeding movement or style. Occasionally, it hums a dwarven drinking song when rummaged through.

Magical Properties

• Interior Space: The beard opens to a roomy extradimensional space. Despite its external size, it can hold up to 500 pounds, not exceeding 64 cubic feet.

• Weight: No matter how full, the beard always weighs 5 pounds.

• Item Retrieval: Retrieving an item requires an action and a short, muttered dwarven phrase. (The beard may respond in kind, occasionally offering unsolicited commentary on your gear choices.)

• Scented Compartmentalization: Items in the beard do not jostle, spoil, or mix unless the user intends them to. Each category of item seems to get its own invisible pocket — meats don’t touch scrolls, tankards don’t leak on swords, and socks mysteriously return warm and dry.

• Living Space: Medium or smaller creatures can fit in the beard. Breathing creatures can survive for 10 ÷ number of creatures minutes inside (minimum 1). While inside, it smells faintly of pine ale and beard oil.

Quirky Dwarven Mishaps

• Overstuffing, Piercing, or Tearing: If the beard is overloaded, punctured by sharp magic, or torn (DC 18), it ruptures dramatically, releasing a mournful dwarven "OH NAY LAD" as it crumples into frosty threads. All contents are flung into the Astral Plane, presumably where all lost dwarven socks go.

• Inversion Shenanigans: Turning the beard inside out causes all items to spill into a jumbled heap in front of the wearer. The beard poofs out a cloud of beard oil mist and goes temporarily limp and offended until rebraided (1 minute with a DC 12 Sleight of Hand check or dwarven-themed profanity).

• Planar Disaster (Classic Dwarven Mistake): Placing the Beard of Holding inside another extradimensional space (like a handy haversack, portable hole, or gnomish pocket dimension) causes a dimensional implosion. Both items are destroyed and a gate to the Astral Plane opens at the interaction point.

  • Any creature within 10 feet must make a DC 15 Strength saving throw or be sucked into the Astral Plane.

  • A loud “BOOM, YA DAFT BEARD-MIXIN’ BARNACLE!” echoes out before the gate slams shut forever.

Bonus Quirks 

Roll a d6 each dawn to see if the beard exhibits one of its legendary quirks:

1. Grumpy Storage Spirit – The beard refuses to hand over one item today unless the bearer praises dwarven craftsmanship aloud.

2. Auto-Categorizer – The beard reorganizes itself. All labels (including magical inscriptions) are alphabetized in Dwarvish script.

3. Pub Mode – Any liquid stored inside emerges frothy, chilled, and slightly alcoholic.

4. Itchy Face – Beard occasionally mumbles “You sure you need that much rope?”

5. Warmth of the Ancestors – The beard hums ancient forge chants, granting +1 to Constitution checks related to endurance.

6. Ale Alarm – If anyone besides the attuned user tries to access it, the beard sprays them with ale and yells “THIEVING GIT!”

Notes: Utility, Container