"Oi, what's writhin’ in yer whiskers, cousin?"
"Dunno, but it’s hissing in three languages."
This wild, wiry beard is made of coarse dwarf-hair, clumped with moss, wax, lichen, and what smells disturbingly like pickled gelatin. Its colors vary by origin — rust-brown, mold-gray, or swamp-tan — and its texture shifts uncomfortably when touched, as though something is crawling inside. The beard weighs ½ pound, but jiggles ever so slightly.
Bonkers Beards are rumored to be remnants of ancient dwarven druid-cults, the kind that grew mushrooms in the furnace ash and tamed slimes in barrels. They're beloved by chaotic dwarves, fungal docents, and deepsea brewers alike.
Unleashing the Madness
While wearing the beard, you may use an action to reach inside and yank out a slimey object — a goo-coated lump, oddly warm and twitching. You can throw it up to 20 feet, where it slaps to the ground and immediately transforms into a random creature, based on the color of the beard. Roll a d8 using the corresponding table (below) to determine the summoned monstrosity.
The creature:
-
Is friendly to you and your allies.
-
Acts on your turn in combat.
-
Obeys your bonus action commands, or behaves according to its nature if not commanded.
-
Vanishes at the next dawn or when reduced to 0 HP.
You may pull up to three slimey objects per day. The beard regains all uses at dawn, usually with a wet slurping sound and an inexplicable increase in fungus.
Summon Tables
Gray Beard (Underdark & Ooze)
| d8 | Creature |
|---|---|
| 1 | Gray Ooze |
| 2 | Swarm of Insects |
| 3 | Giant Lizard |
| 4 | Giant Constrictor Snake |
| 5 | Mimic |
| 6 | Ochre Jelly |
| 7 | Black Pudding |
| 8 | Gelatinous Cube |
Rust Beard (Aberrant Mindspawn)
| d8 | Creature |
|---|---|
| 1 | Flumph |
| 2 | Cranium Rat |
| 3 | Violet Fungus |
| 4 | Grell |
| 5 | Giant Toad |
| 6 | Giant Frog |
| 7 | Gray Ooze |
| 8 | Grick |
Tan Beard (Aquatic Horror Edition)
| d8 | Creature |
|---|---|
| 1 | Reef Shark |
| 2 | Octopus |
| 3 | Swarm of Quippers |
| 4 | Hunter Shark |
| 5 | Giant Octopus |
| 6 | Giant Seahorse |
| 7 | Merrow |
| 8 | Giant Shark |
Optional Beard Quirks
At dawn, roll a d6 to see what the beard is up to:
-
It burps bubbles. Constantly. Even in the desert.
-
One of the summoned creatures doesn’t vanish at dawn. It just... stays. And acts confused.
-
The beard speaks in Deep Speech for one hour. It won’t shut up.
-
When empty, it echoes faint giggling.
-
A small mushroom garden begins growing in your boots. Harmless… probably.
-
You summon a creature mid-sentence. Every time.
Cursed Variant: “Truly Bonkers”
There’s a 5% chance per summon that you accidentally pull out a creature hostile to all creatures, including you. It acts immediately on its own initiative. The beard mutters “Oopsie. Wrong fungus.”
Lore Hooks & Flavor
-
Found in the beard vaults of the Sporehammer Clan, deep below the fungus jungles.
-
Some say these beards are alive, and the creatures are actually hair-born spawn.
-
Certain dwarves claim that if you sleep with it on, you’ll dream in slime-vision and can understand oozes for a day.
Notes: Short rest, Summoning, Utility
Comments