Seriously? One of your players just flirted with your barmaid NPC? What is this, a 1980’s parody of D&D? I mean, it’s not as bad as a 2019 Saturday Night Live parody of D&D, but still.
Hey, it’s me, Dan Telfer again. I wanted to feather fall you down from this particular cliff, the one where someone makes that flirty barmaid choice, and despite it feeling rote you want to do something fun.
To me this flirting with barmaids trope feels not unlike when a comedian has a stranger find out their profession and insist, “tell me a joke.” It sucks, it’s dumb, and somehow you’ve done it before. Maybe you thought of a fun name for the tavern, like the Groaning Leviathan (you’re welcome), but you don’t (or at least, should have to) have a prepared response for such predictable stupidity. I mean there’s much more fun flavors of predictable stupidity out there.
“The barmaid… maybe... spits in your drink,” you mumble, wishing you’d had her do something more nefarious to punish them.
So… let’s lean into nefarious.
The Table of Rejection
Instead of going easy on them with a line of impolite dialogue, roll a d10 (noisily, perhaps while clearing your throat or making uncomfortable eye contact) and announce one of the following events:
1d10 |
The Rejection |
1 |
"The barmaid locks eyes with the bartender, who then lowers himself behind the bar, as if by some kind of silent dumbwaiter, and he does not return." |
2 |
"The barmaid sighs deeply. You notice several bar patrons turn and stare. Upon further inspection, you notice these patrons have unusually pale, fish-like complexions." |
3 |
"The barmaid reaches into the pocket of her apron, produces an ancient-looking notepad, and begins scrawling quickly." |
4 |
"The barmaid stomps loudly on the floorboards three times with her heavy-heeled shoe, then walks away stoically.” |
5 |
"The barmaid makes two staccato clicking noises and nods her head in your direction." |
6 |
"The barmaid pauses, seemingly unmoved by your comments. Then she announces cheerily, 'This round’s on the house. Enjoy.'" |
7 |
"The barmaid places a hand on your shoulder and says 'Aw. First time at a tavern? Let me know if you want a sippy lid for that.' She then walks to the next table." |
8 |
"The barmaid calls out to the tavern’s bard, 'Hey Bliggs! Play this guy out, like the plague that took his mother!'" |
9 |
"The barmaid whistles loudly and a disturbing smirk crosses her face, as you hear loud whinnying and clomping coming from the hitching post outside. The whinnies become otherworldly shrieks." |
10 |
"The barmaid waves her hand, and suddenly every wooden window shutter in the tavern slams shut with a BANG. She grabs a nearby stool and smashes it on the bar. She wields the shattered stool like a club, and it begins to hum with magical energy." |
That’s right. The Groaning Leviathan is a den of eldritch terror, and you’re about to go full nightmare mode on them. Feel free to borrow from other numbers at will to ramp up the misfortune, and if you roll a 9, I mean nightmare mode quite literally.
See below for how your announcement shall continue to play out.
Outcomes By Roll
1: Stop Hitting Yourself
The bartender thinks the way you've insulted his friend while she was trying to work was gross. As such, he is now going to use the powers he developed as a spy for a local archmage to get the offending character to attack the rest of their party, for their party to attack them, and for the offending character to attack themselves.
He has entered a crawl space and is watching the bar through the eye-holes of a portrait high on the wall. He has the stats of a mind mage but wields a mace in place of a dagger.
Players can find the crawlspace by inspecting the bar with a DC 15 Intelligence (Investigation) check, and crawl up for close-quarters combat in the walls. Only one other person can fit in the walls. By scoping the entire bar with perception or investigation and beating a DC 20 check instead, they can see the eyes move. The wall has an AC of 10 and 40 hit points.
2: Innsmouthy
Four of the patrons scream loudly, and turn out to be deep scions disguised in heavy clothing.
After some more assorted shrieking and other conversation-interrupting nonsense, they soon rip free of their hybrid form’s clothing and assume their true forms, attacking the offending party member.
If players attempt a perception roll of the crowd and roll over a 15, they will notice a few eyes in the crowd look glassy in a similar way, implying more could reveal themselves if things go south and players get too proud.
3: Mind Melt
The barmaid has just set off a programmed illusion and the party now believes their skin is slowly melting off. This will continue until they have left the bar, are removed from the premises, or succeed on a DC 20 Intelligence (Investigation) check to see through the illusion.
4: Old Stalky
There is a senile, elderly beholder living beneath the floorboards named Old Stalky, and he has just set off his lair action to have black smoking tendrils extend from the floor to grapple and strangle the offender. He can see through the old floor’s knotholes just enough to cast a ray at any party members who may try to pry open the floor. After that he will quickly flee through a tunnel as the tentacles subside and the bar staff escorts the party out.
5: You’re Infested
A swarm of bats descends from the high ceilings and whips furiously around the resident creep. In addition to the bats, mixed in are 4 quasits in bat form that attach themselves to players’ faces and start biting ferociously. One will absolutely get tangled in the player’s hair.
6: Ichor Pale Ale
The bartender overheard the bad pick-up line and set off an ancient, arcane trap built into the tavern, to be used in the event of the staff being threatened (alerting the barmaid with his spies’ murmur via telepathy that he has done so, inspiring the free round).
All drinks held by the offending person and party members known to the bartender are now transformed into demon ichor, and the next time they drink they will need to make a DC 18 Constitution saving throw. All failures mean 3d6 + 4 poison damage, plus they will slowly become a fish-like hybrid creature over the next 6 days, their skin becoming moist and pale green, webs forming between their digits. The effect is largely cosmetic but can only be removed with a remove curse or greater restoration spell.
The same thing has happened to the liquid in any waterskins the players hold, and even if the players figure out their ale is cursed and choose not to drink it, they may face the consequences during their next rest. The cursed liquid is indistinguishable except with a detect magic spell, which finds a transmutation aura.
7: Tortle Power
The barmaid just cast guidance on you. And good thing, because her old friend, a tortle druid named Thuxle Puxmeister, is about to take her cue, rise from her seat, and try to beat the ever-loving Avernus out of the adventurer with her staff.
Thuxle is brutally cruel but not especially interested in dying today. She will only look to get in a solid blow or two before settling for getting the entire bar to laugh at the insulting patron.
If Thuxle knows she is doomed to fail, she will beg for mercy, but when she believes the offender is no longer paying attention, she will attempt a final humiliation with druidcraft (the player's pants suddenly fill with flowers) or hold person (the player freezes as they bring the tankard to their lips, spilling their alcohol down their front), but attempting to do so from the cover of the chattering crowd or just outside the door.
8: Crown of Shame
The bard, Bliggs, is a lampooner, and openly attacks the party. He focuses on the barmaid’s new enemy. This also mixes well with the tortle druid from option #7 joining the fray. If you need an opening gambit for the bard, I suggest having him sing the following to cast crown of madness upon the offender:
I see an orc in the back as a matter of fact
Eyes red like he wears a dread helm
And the girl in the corner, why won’t you ignore her
Cause she thinks your wiles do underwhelm
I can’t tell you to sing that exactly to the tune of Ballroom Blitz, but it’s an idea I had.
9: Horseplay
Three nightmares burst through the tavern doors and attempt to trample the party as the patrons sweep out of the way as if guided by an eerily prepared hive mind. They make three attempts to stampede across the floor and trample the offending character or their companions, then charge out the door again and disappear down the road. The patrons have seen this before and ignore the flying tables as the nightmares carefully miss them and their drinks.
10: Barmaid’s Revenge
The barmaid has slammed the windows shut with thaumaturgy and will attack the players directly. Event 1 also occurs, and then 2 and 5 escalate the fight in succession as rounds pass. She is a spellcaster and has the same statistics as Wiggan Nettlebee while wielding a shillelagh.
If you don’t want to name the bartender and barmaid yourself, may I suggest Lutho Thockwagon and Dalia Proudwallop? They’re about to make your friends’ lives miserable in a way you’ll want to savor, though, so take all the ownership you like.
I hope you enjoyed this nanosecond gone wrong, and that it makes your party think twice before catcalling anyone again, be they human or tabaxi.
Dan Telfer is the Dungeons Humorist aka Comedy Archmage for D&D Beyond (a fun way they are letting him say "writer"), dungeon master for the Nerd Poker podcast, a stand-up comedian, a TV writer who also helped win some Emmys over at Comedy Central, and a former editor of MAD Magazine and The Onion. He can be found riding his bike around Los Angeles from gig to gig to gaming store, though the best way to find out what he's up to is to follow him on Twitter via @dantelfer.
THANK GOD!!! MY YEARS OF SUFFERING ARE OVER!!!
YESSSSSS!
VERY VERY HIGHLY RECOMMEND!!!
This is the TOTALLY AWESOME! Thank you for writing this peace
I run drop in games at my store, when the occasional player hits on a barmaid. I have her respond positively to the comment and have her ask if he's alone and would like to go somewhere private. Then have her turn into a succubus and drain him dead, with no assistance from the rest of the party he just was another adventure that decided to leave the life behind.
I like this better.
Comedy is subjective, but if you have to explain it, you've failed. Just saying.
This is the greatest thing I’ve seen in my life. But another idea: what if the bartender was her boyfriend, and when you flirted he started slapping you?
I had a laugh at this. Thanks!
Sometimes though, you may want the barmaid to seek a mate !
my campaign had an inn where my players met a girl and a man that haenned to be brothers and sisters. or so they said. one of the players asked the women at the bar, if she was willing to do something that night together with him. he was bland and seeking a compagnion ship. matter of a fact, i had decided that these two had a brothel going on. well, it was just the two of them. for a good reason too. mating was in their blood ! so that night the player got a room number and he got there and had the greatest time of his life. until he asked the women why her kisses were so cold ! based on my description of her kisses. the women got pissed off and literally drained him until he had 1 HP left. as well as an exaustion level for not passing a good night. it lead to them figuring out that the inn was home to both a succubus and incubus. they were hiding and had charmed a bunch of people in the city to make sure their secret would be kept.
so basically the players laughed at the guy who actually had the greatest time of his life while being slowly drained by the succubus, but nothing too serious. she was just sustaining herself while giving him a good time... win/win as they say. but she was a barbarian type character with bad temper. anything badly said to her would lead her to a tantrum and her almost killing th epoor lad. only to be saved by the incubus brother who would stop her from doing so. the brother was the more intelligent of the two. 1 mistake and he was hummiliated almost died to it. players laughed and so liked the idea !
LOVE these! I especially dig that first one. I always appreciate when mundane NPCs have clever backstories that make sense with their past and the areas they've been.
My idea: Roll a d20. If you get 11 or lower, use one of the given results from dan, or mine. If you get 12 or higher, she gets into you but starts cheating on you
In the sense of surprise, comedy effect, intrigue, side quest and even dodgy DM tactics to avoid "that" conversation this all works so well. I never once read it as "take that! Stupid players!how dare you nor follow my laws..."But rather " what just happened and was it our fault or is there deeper meaning??? Do we need to be more careful of the world around us...is this truly an immersive and reactive world the DM has created where our actions can/will have consequences??? Oh and again wtf just happened? " it be up to the DM to present how this plays out afterwards but it does give a laughable moment to your adventure.... "Remember that one time hitting on Shirley almost killed the party..." Good times. My group would want to dig deeper into this mystery and would ALWAYS be Leary moving forward about bar miads I'd this ever played out.
that's the thing though. while most of the barmaids would outright say no or are used to being asked around. this is just ridiculous and doesn't make much sense in most cases.
that'S the thing, this guy specialise in comedic gaming, not in immersive gaming. in my games if the barmaid had a beholder under her taverns, my players would go kill it, or wonder about that and eventually i'd have to lend their idea that there is a reason why this beholder is there. remember its a group effort, i have to give the players what they want and many times their ideas are much better then mine. so to me the reason "just because it would be fun" doesn't strike out to me. its a useless and cheap tactics to get the PC to realise it doesn't get the story forward. sorry but i preffer a more alive world then a world where the story is what drives the game. in a real world... those barmaids are all really getting those replies every single day of the week at least once. imagine that barmaid getting that reply every single days of the week. sorry but her establishment wouldn'T trive for long.
I don't believe players should be punished just because they've done a tired old trope. However, I do believe in Freedom ('MURICA!). My players are free to make their choices: and are therefore free to accept their consequences. Barmaids are the most seduced NPCs. Literally. Every game, there will be at least one player that tries it. So.... who's to say if a barmaid was so easy with the character, that she wasn't easy for gods-know-how-many others?
STDs are are thing. And in a magical world, like the Forgotten Realms, things can get really weird. I'll leave it at that due to mature subject matter.
I do agree with you on this. Simple placement of this type of event for no reason would be pointless and often times is think it deter the players from continuing much longer, especially if similar type events continue without motive...but if its hooked with a plot then I think it could be a great side quest. Something you build up a bit(maybe remove the table and run with one you like). Keep it in your bag of DM tricks till that moment someone hits on a barmaid.
You can do better. You worked on Emmy-winning writing teams. This is pretty low-ball stuff you're giving us here.
Nightmare Tavern: The Groaning Leviathan
Honestly, I like the table descriptions (mostly 1-8) more than the expanded descriptions. They're a good start, but then go a bit over-the-top with ridiculousness in the fleshing-out. 2 through 9 are great if you tone down the combat, and definitely make for great story events, some of them even combined;
"Remember that time we drank demon ichor and those deep scions kept hitting on us?" "Everything we drank tasted like fish for a week."
"That old tortle lady called me out, and now I pretty awkward."
"Okay Bliggs, you think you can throw shade? Well with music that bad, no wonder you're driven to drink." (Battle of the Bands ensues)
"Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na Bat-Maid"
Oh, this is fabulous. This is definitely going in my next campaign.
Funny, especially the "Stop Hitting Yourself" one.