SPOILER ALERT: This article contains spoilers for Baldur's Gate: Descent into Avernus. Players, you may want to wait before reading and experience some of these bad businesses first-hand. Others businesses may not actually appear in the adventure and be pure nonsense.

It can be quite overwhelming to descend into Avernus, especially for vacationing tourists who aren't keen on having their faces eaten (you're already using all your vacation days on your trip, let's save those sick days). Given the lack of Yelp in D&D, I went through the trouble of collecting these reviews from various visitors to this pit of wretched evil and despair and recording them here. I hope you find them useful, and don’t end up getting sucked under the tires of any suspiciously Mad-Max-looking carriages. Sorry, Mad Maggie. Completely different.

These reviews are not my own, but were collected from anonymous denizens of the Nine Hells, who are slightly more reliable narrators than anonymous denizens of Yelp.

Oh, and you app coders out there had better not make “Yelp for D&D” without me, I mailed this idea to myself and it’s mine.

Avernus Reviews

Bel’s Forge
If you’re going to commit to volcanic rock as an architectural style, at least let the rock cool first. I lost both my shoes (and possibly my legs, still waiting on a final prognosis) trying to walk on active, flowing lava. Bel did not even seem to want my business. Literally teleported me back onto the street 3 times. It's like he's a part of some complex evil hierarchy and he's taking it out on us or something.

Quddly Quasit Quompany
You can’t tell me a pet store can stay in business with just quasits. Not a single hollyphant? Momma needs a hollyphant to pose with for her Sinstagram, a legit scrying community.

Chukka and Clonk’s Collision Center
Terrible customer service. No matter what I yelled at these anthropomorphic mynah bird jerks, they just repeated my curses back to me. You'd think they're a cursed race of birds with no language of their own or something.

Orin’s Hammer
Walked around this corner of Elturel for days, almost died a zillion times (how long has this city been slowing imploding, yikes), and still no sign of this Blacksmith’s shop, just an incubus that keeps walking by and asking me if I want to trade info for a good time. I am just trying to get copies of my keys made, sir. No thank you. PS: Help, I am in love with this annoying incubus.

Elturel Antique China
Apparently this is now just a shop where they sell dust. Something about the city slowly crashing into hell? And I guess the city is constantly racked with magical lightning strikes and earthquakes, which somehow hurts their inventory? Anyway the dust comes in some cute colors, but it’s dust.

Elturel High Hall
During my visit I was hit by a piece of meteor and gutted by a giant crab. The commemorative towel I bought outside the cathedral was cute, but I am dead now and live inside a coin.

River Styx Duck Tours
Tried getting a tour of the river from this boat painted up to look like a duck, but I think I fell in the water and now I can’t remember who I am. Gonna get back in the boat and try again. Things seem... bad? I think this bearded devil that is now following me around is trying to get me to walk into a giant demon's mouth, pretending it's a duck boat. Hard to say because I don’t know what a duck is anymore. Do not recommend, so far the tour is stressful.

Crokek’Toeck’s War Machine Wash
Should have known better than to believe that a giant frog demon that unhinges its jaw is actually a drive-through washing business. I paid the weird hyena dude a soul coin, but he just laughed and laughed when my War Machine got stuck and wouldn’t come out the other end. Kind of don't want it to?

Tialaundromat
Apparently the dragon queen Tiamat is just franchising the name of these places to small business owners, but my underwear is now full of screaming ghosts, so either way it kinda sucks. Also, after 10 a big creepy Dragonborn sometimes shows up and takes things out of other people’s loads and teleports away saying "it's nothing personal."

Wandering Emporium: Taxxon’s Flying Carpets 
I am Taxxon, and I have been enslaved here for about 430 years, cursed with a strange and hubristic immortality and forced to sell flying carpets out of a tiny stall for all eternity. I’m not allowed to leave this tiny plot of bricks and look at the other shops. Lament me, for here I must remain. I have carpets if you want one. Only 600 platinum each. Sorry, I know we're not supposed to review our own businesses but my hands are tied here, man.

Wandering Emporium: Hessig’s Apothecary
Hey guys, it’s me, Taxxon again, that guy from the flying carpet shop who wrote the last review. Don’t get confused, these are my only two reviews. So, I’ve never been to Hessig’s Apothecary, but it is across from my stall and from about 20 feet away the apothecary looks pretty cool. Go there I guess. Been watching other people drink stuff from there for a few centuries and I haven’t heard too many complaints. If they have an orange whip and you could walk one over here that would be great. 

Wandering Emporium: Spencer’s Gifts
Quick note: avoid Taxxon’s flying carpet place if you’re in the emporium, that Taxxon guy is a little thirsty if you catch my drift. Anyhow, most of the shops here are fairly interesting, but all this Spencer’s place sells are weird gag gifts like strip lawn darts. Got some joke cards called a “Deck of Many Things” that I’ll give my nephew for his 8th birthday, but meh.

Wandering Emporium: Infernal Rapture
When they said this dumpster orgy disguised as a "spa" resided on a demiplane they weren’t kidding. Zero. French. Fries. Ooooh “it wasn’t on the kitchen’s available planes today.” You have deep-fried miniature space hamsters, you’re telling me you can’t find a potato to throw in there? What, potatoes won't grow in an ever-shifting soil made from cursed bones and demon ichor? Give me a break. Everything on the menu had a sarcastic, “you’re going to be enslaved forever” name which I found passive-aggressive. Some people just like to eat decadent, other-worldly dinners without any ironic consequences. 

Dan Telfer is the Dungeons Humorist aka Comedy Archmage for D&D Beyond (a fun way they are letting him say "writer"), dungeon master for the Nerd Poker podcast, a stand-up comedian, a TV writer who also helped win some Emmys over at Comedy Central, and a former editor of MAD Magazine and The Onion. He can be found riding his bike around Los Angeles from gig to gig to gaming store, though the best way to find out what he's up to is to follow him on Twitter via @dantelfer.