Everyone loves the iconic mimic, or at least, all Dungeon Masters seem to. As for players, I feel like these obnoxious shape-shifters are just crashing my victory party. So prolific are they, that most players with common sense won’t collect medium-sized treasures without first prodding it with a ten-foot polearm.

Their bounty now a hostile spectre of its former self, a lie of a reward, a ghost of glory! You have to literally stab your own disappointment.

That’s why we here at Dan Telfer Industries* are proud to present the latest bastardization of basic D&D lore that both sides of the screen can enjoy: the pocket mimic! Forget that boring misdirect you get with a cliché treasure chest springing to life! Now the mimicry is on a whole new level, harder to spot than a hedgehog in a hay bale (that sounds hard to me, anyway). And this li’l mimic is ferociously chomping at the players, flapping around like a fish out of water or a muppet without a master.

* A fake company.

Your players can look forward to all the statistics you’ve come to love in a regular mimic, completely with the horrifying disproportionate tongue, now with the following dialed-down options.

• It is classified as a Tiny monstrosity.
• It has Hit Points: 11 (2d8+2).
• Though it can use the Adhesive ability, it can’t grapple and loses its Grappler trait
• It has a Challenge Rating of 1.

I know, almost cuddly now. But before you nuzzle, we’re going to go full-on piranha with this miserable little monster. Spoiler alert: the meat on a hero’s face is the tastiest. 

• A pocket mimic’s Armor Class is increased to 14 as long as its speed isn’t 0 and isn’t restrained, as it’s in constant, trashing motion.
• Its Speed is 25 feet (faster than a normal mimic).
• Its Pseudopod and Bite attacks gain a +8 bonus to hit, rather than +5.
• Though its chompers are smaller, it still deals the same amount of damage, as it concentrates all its ripping force on a small point, rather than all over. At least it has a strong work ethic!
• Though it cannot grapple, it can “latch,” meaning that while it is attached with its Adhesive ability, the creature it’s attached to retains its full mobility. This unfortunate creature can still try and dislodge an attached pocket mimic by making a successful DC 13 Strength check to tear the little burr free. Think of it like a shape-changing leech that bucks around and generally ruins your brunch as it tries to eat part of you.
• If latched to a creature’s foot, its movement speed is halved. There’s a monster on your foot trying to bite off your toe; that’s what we call rough terrain, buddy.
• If latched to the creature’s nose or facial tissue, the player is blinded with pain. This is an especially attractive outcome as the mimic can bite off and swallow your nose (see “Digital Devourer” below). It can then drop to the ground as it breaks free, meaning that it will be extra patient and wait to spring into action if it thinks it might be picked up and brought closer to the player’s face.
• If a creature attempts to remove the latched pocket mimic using only its hands, even if it succeeds, it must make a DC 13 Dexterity saving throw to avoid having it immediately clamp down on another one of its fingers.
• Digital Devourer. If a pocket mimic attacks an exposed finger, toe, nose, ear, or similar minor appendage and rolls a critical hit, it completely severs that appendage and swallows it. Yep. The pocket mimic will then attempt to flee for cover in tall grass, holes in the wall, or sewer grates. If it can successfully hold the appendage in its stomach for only 1 hour, the appendage is digested and its hit points are fully restored. The appendage must be recovered within 10 minutes if it is to be salvaged in a meaningful way for re-attachment, magical or otherwise (hope you’ve been nice to someone who can cast regenerate). The pocket mimic does roll attacks with disadvantage if the player is wearing some type of steel or mail gloves or boots over the appendage; sorry leather fans.
• Never-ending Nibbler: Every round the pocket mimic is latched, it is applying additional pressure with its jaws and repositioning itself to land a critical hit, steal an appendage, and flee. Each round it remains latched, the number needed to roll a critical is reduced by 2. Therefore if it rolls a natural 18 on its bite in round two, a finger could be bitten free by the critical hit, and in round three of combat it could be bitten off with a 16. Get. This. Thing. Off of you!

I’m sure you eager narrators are wondering where you could hide such a wee little thing. Well that’s the most exciting part! Smaller means everywhere! Here’s a few suggestions to get you started on ruining your friendships by spiting the faces of characters. But remember, it’s as simple as “what do players like to grab at mindlessly, or better yet, put on their face?”

Coin Purses

The tiny variation of the classic treasure chest. Make sure to leave it somewhere private, so they’ll think no-one will notice their innocent scavenging. A pocket mimic knows that if a group of heroes is close together, a friend might be able to lend some aid. This little fella wants to digest a finger before friendly aid can arrive.

And make sure to let the opening be loose, a few pieces of gold glistening in the dim light, like lip gloss on a succubus.

I hope they’re not bards, those fingers don’t stand a chance.

Bottle of booze

You’ve probably heard of medium-sized mimics masquerading as kegs of ale. Well you know what’s even harder to resist? A bottle of ale, gleaming in an abandoned cellar.

Ale, specifically. Wine? Whiskey? People pour that too much. But a bottle that someone might put right up to their mouth? You can see how that is an upgrade.

Monocle

If you were to just see an abandoned monocle lying around, you’d surely want to try it on, wouldn’t you? That gold frame gives it an irresistible air of erudite couture!

Someone might even do an obnoxious impression of a rich person, skipping around saying “pip pip” and all that. The temptation is almost too much to bear. Have you tried putting a monocle on in real life? It’s next to impossible. You pray you’ll find one in D&D, were such niche fashion does not require actual nimble eye socket muscles.

That’s what the pocket mimic is counting on, a mouthful of chewy ocular goodness. If it is actually brought up to the character’s eye, the mimic will get its first bite with advantage. Sorry, this is just sitting duck territory and this is… especially soft tissue.

Kerchiefs

Guide the party to a moldering, dusty space. The light is refracted by the heavy dust in the air, dust so think they begin to worry it’s toxic. After some failed Constitution saving throws to resist this mega-dust and some misplaced concern that runny eyes and noses could be from that false danger, they rummage through a drawer and find your trap folded atop a pile of clothes. 

Perhaps an evil mage swaps it into their pocket, knowing they’re headed into a pollen-heavy wood. It can sit in their own pocket for a week before it is used, but that delicious face protein will be worth it. A pocket mimic with this particular taste might also adapt into a hand fan in a hot room.

Either way, pocket mimics want some of that sweet nasal action and a kerchief is exactly the narrative device they’ve learned to look for.

That’ll do it for this trap! Hope to give you more ways to misdirect and infuriate your friends soon. Farewell adventurer, and I love you. Even though I may show it in fairly disturbing ways.

Dan Telfer is the Dungeons Humorist aka Comedy Archmage for D&D Beyond (a fun way they are letting him say "writer"), dungeon master for the Nerd Poker podcast, a stand-up comedian, a TV writer who also helped win some Emmys over at Comedy Central, and a former editor of MAD Magazine and The Onion. He can be found riding his bike around Los Angeles from gig to gig to gaming store, though the best way to find out what he's up to is to follow him on Twitter via @dantelfer.