You are a giant guinea pig, and since you need to defend yourself, you know how to use a pea gun attack. You can use one action or one attack turn to aim your butt at a target of your choice and fire a powerful spray of pea. That target must succeed on a DC15 dexterity saving throw. If it fails, they are dealt 5D10 water damage and the attack immobilizes all creatures within a 30 foot radius of the target. On a successful save, the target takes half as much damage and only the target is immobilized.

Since your character has grown much hair all over his body, he automatically has an AC of 20+ your dexterity modifier.