Alekinos' Abstract Absurdities

You make random hand gestures and speak meaningless words that approximate the casting of a real spell. This causes an unpredictable surge of magic. Roll a d20; the number rolled determines which random spell effect occurs, as shown on the Arcane Anomaly table.

Arcane Anomalies  

1.  Unknowable Boredom: You must make a Wisdom saving throw against your own spell save DC. On a failed save, you and creatures within 10 feet of you cannot cast spells or be affected by magic until you complete a long rest.
2.  Soothing Hail: A gently glowing hail descends in a 30-ft radius centered on you. Choose up to 6 creatures in this area to regain 2d6+ your spellcasting modifier hit points.
3.  Lava Passage: This effect replicates the spell Arcane Gate. Moving between the two portals takes 20 feet of movement. The walls of the passage are made of lava. Any creature that touches the wall must make a Dex save or take 10d8 fire damage.
4.  Misplace Carcass: The corpse of the first creature to die within 150 feet of you within 1 minute of this spell being cast vanishes and reappears somewhere within 1d10x10 miles.
5.  Paw Transplant: Choose a target within 60 feet of you. If there are no viable targets, you become the target. The creature's hands and feet are replaced with the paws of the nearest creature that has them.
6.  Consecrating Hoof: The nearest hoofed creature is bestowed with a holy blessing. This can be any creature with hooves, such as a deer, a hippogriff, a satyr or a paladin's summoned steed. The creature becomes consecrated: fiends and undead make all attack rolls against the creature with disadvantage, and once per day, the creature can use an action to cast the Hallow spell by stamping their hoof on the ground.
7. Hurl Tetanus: You conjure a rusty nail, which shoots toward a target you can see within 120 feet. Roll a spell attack. On a hit the creature takes 2d6 piercing damage and 4d12 poison damage. The creature must then make a CON save or be poisoned until the end of its next long rest.
8.  Split Tyrannosaurus: The nearest tyrannosaurus is cloned. Left unattended, there is a 25% chance the duplicates will duel to the death.
9.  Recruit Retriever: Your party gains the services of a nature spirit taking the shape of a Labrador for the next 24 hours. It has statistics identical to the mastiff found in the Monster Manual, with the addition of expertise in the Sleight of Hand skill. While the Retriever is within 5 feet of you, you have advantage on Persuasion rolls. As a bonus action, you may instruct the Retriever to fetch an item weighing 20 pounds or less that you can see within 100 feet of you.
10.  Spew Butterfly: A cloud of colorful butterflies emerge from your mouth and fill a 15 foot cube in front of you. This area counts as heavily obscured, and is difficult terrain. The cloud remains for a minute at which point the butterflies disperse.
11.  Comprehend Vertebra: For the next hour, you can understand and communicate with any living creature that has a backbone.
12.  Throttling Hate: The nearest hostile creature to you must make a Wisdom saving throw. On a failure, they must spend their action on each of their turns for the next minute attempting to strangle the nearest creature to them that is hostile to you. The creature can reroll the save at the end of their turn, ending the effect on a success. 
13.  Sedative Coupon: A coupon worth a free potion of sleep appears in your hand. Redeemable at any magic item store.
14.  Sandblast Supreme: Sand explodes from your hands in a 60-foot cone in front of you. Every creature in the cone must make a Dex save or take 5d10 piercing damage and be blinded until the end of its' next turn. On a successful save, the creature takes half damage and is not <condition>blinded<condition> 
15.  Cabbage Monument: A glorious silver statue of a cabbage on a pedestal appears in an unoccupied space you can see within 30 feet of you. At dawn, 1d10 cabbages will appear at the base of the statue every day. Eating a cabbage grants 10 temporary hit points. In addition, you have advantage on all Charisma checks involving cabbages while you are within 100 feet of the monument or are carrying one of the cabbages produced by the monument.
16.  Scrutinize Particle: You gain the ability to see microscopic detail. For the next hour, as a bonus action you can enter a state of magnified vision that allows you to see particles as small as a grain of sand in perfect detail.
17.  Exhuming Vine: A 15-foot long vine emerges from the ground in an unoccupied space of your choice that you can see. At the top of your turn for the next minute, the vine will automatically dig 10 feet straight down through earth or stone. If anything of interest is found in the excavation, the vine will throw it to you.
18.  Reallocate Swamp: Up to 25 square miles of the nearest swamp is removed from its' current location and transposed onto your current location.
19.  Omnipotent Trombone: A grand, golden, spectral trombone appears hovering in an unoccupied space within 10 feet of you, where it remains for 1 minute, playing a celestial melody. While the trombone is present, you and your allies are immune to being charmed or frightened as long as you can hear the trombone. As an action, one creature may attempt to play the trombone, making a DC 30 performance check. On a success, the trombone allows you to replicate any spell of up to 8th level, as if you had cast the wish spell. Regardless of whether or not the check succeeds, after attempting to play it, the trombone disappears at the start of your next turn.
20. Fabricate Nonsense: Your chaotic magic is so incomprehensible that it forces the universe itself to improvise a new spell. The DM must go to a random word generator and improvise a spell based on the first two words given to them.