Crooked Little House

And they all lived together in a little crooked house.

This spell conjures a small, curious and generally ramshackle building into an unoccupied 10’ cube. The structure has four to eight small opaque windows (at least one on each wall), a pitched roof, a chimney, and a lamppost by the (roughly) 4’ door.  

The caster has no control over the color, materials, or general appearance of the structure, which are a hodge-podge of borrowed parts that don't belong together.

Going through the door and up a short flight of stairs, an extra-dimensional space opens into a 20' x 20' x 20’ room with a small door on the back wall.

The atmosphere inside is comfortable, fresh, and dry regardless of the conditions outside.  The floor, rugs, walls, and tapestries are a comfortable but eclectic assortment of materials and designs from different aesthetics, cultures, and planes.  Though the designs may be strange and alien, the materials are appropriate to their function, comfortable, and safe for use.

There is small fireplace with a hearth and mantle on the back wall (next to the small door), a table and four chairs,  and two clean and comfortable bunk beds (complete with sheets and blankets).  Ample shelves and a great many coat hooks adorn the walls.  Everything is arranged as the caster wishes, but is utterly mismatched.

Through the door on the back wall is a small washroom with a toilet (an earth or water closet).  It also has a small fountain with flowing, clean water that is outfitted with an assortment of odd bits of soap, un-matching towels, a mirror, and a brush.  

The fireplace is equipped with a cauldron (half-filled with boiling water), a roasting spit, a tea kettle, a 3 gallon cask of fresh water, and six bundles of firewood.  There is a cupboard filled with an eclectic array of plates, bowls, stemware,  flatware, cooking utensils, mugs, napkins, and cups.  Some of it is fine china, some of it is badly chipped clay, some of it is wooden.  It is all perfectly serviceable, absolutely clean, and entirely safe to use.   There is also a bin for kitchen waste.  

If any of these items are removed from the cottage they vanish in a wisp of harmless cinders.

The portrait used as the material component sits upon the mantle, and a shadowy malnourished cat asleep or cleaning itself upon a cushion near the hearth.

There is a hunched, mute and spectral host (vaguely reminiscent of the individual in the portrait) that can light and tend the fire, prepare any food provided to it, and keep the place clean.  It is a passable (+1 proficiency bonus) cook.   It can clean and cook small game and fish, and can prepare edible plant material to eat.  If attacked or asked to do anything outside of its stated functions, the host will panic briefly and then vanish in a wisp of cinders.

The cat behaves in every way like a normal - though somewhat lazy - cat.  If it is mistreated it will attack once (+0 to hit, 1 slashing damage) and then vanish in a wisp of cinders as it runs hissing across the room.  The host will then let out a loud, unintelligible cry, appear vaguely angry, and then vanish in a wisp of cinders as it moves towards the offending guest.

All parts of the exterior structure have a damage threshold of 10, are impervious to psychic, necrotic, and poison damage, and resistant to all other non-magical/non-siege damage.  The spell ends if the cottage receives a total of 100 points of damage.

The door (which opens in) can only be opened by the caster, up to three other people that the caster names while casting the spell, and the host (who will only do so for someone authorized to open the door).  If the door is closed it is treated as a wall.  Non-corporeal entities (and other entities that can pass through walls) that attempt to pass through a wall simply appear adjacent to the house in a different space.  While the door is open it is treated as a normal doorway.

The structure is fixed to the ground.

The windows are very large when viewed from the inside and provide a good (though slightly distorted) view of the outside world in all directions.  They are furnished with thick  (though mismatched) drapes that may be drawn open or closed.  Spells cannot be cast through these windows in either direction.

Interior lighting is provided by assorted lamps.  Al lights (interior and exterior) respond to the will of the caster (using a bonus action).  It cannot be bright enough to do harm nor dim enough so as to count as complete darkness.  

The spell can be ended at any time by removing the portrait from the mantle.  This can be done by anyone.  Everything created by the spell simply vanishes in a swirl of harmless cinders.  If the shelter is dispelled by damage the portrait will be damaged.  Anyone inside the cottage when the spell ends finds themselves standing safely on the ground roughly where the cottage stood, the portrait back in the caster’s inventory.