Be a Man

You touch any number creatures you can reach, willing or unwilling. For the duration of the spell, the song "I'll Make A Man Out of You" from the hit Disney animated film Mulan(1998) must be played blaringly loudly at the table in real life. The music will play during the affected creatures' turns and the spell ends when the song ends. If multiple creatures have been affected, the music plays for all their turns, so the time is split. If the music ends mid-turn, the target creature may finish the turn as if under the effects of the spell. While the spell is active, the target creature gains the following effects:

Swift as a Coursing River: The Yangtze river reaches flow speeds of 5-8 m/s** during the rainy season(ie when it is "coursing"). Taking the lower end of the estimate, the target creature's speed is set to 98 feet.

Force of a Great Typhoon: Typhoons are physical storms so they do not do force damage. Even approximations of magical storms drawn from spells only do lightning, thunder, or cold damage. However, force can also refer to physical force. A "great" typhoon is at least Category 3, with and can rip off roofs and uproot trees**. There's a quantitative and a qualitative to translate this to game mechanics, but the qualitative path involves a lot less math. The target creature can use its action to create a gust of wind in a 60 foot line. Objects and creatures that are large or smaller must make a strength saving throw(DC 15 for large creatures, DC 18 for medium, DC 20 for small and tiny creatures) or be blown 30 feet and knocked prone. Objects that are not deeply rooted in the ground or held down by weight(say a stone wall) will be uprooted and carried away.

Strength of a Raging Fire: The closest thing to a fire that has a stat block to reference would be a fire elemental. Since the fire is specified as "raging"(must be a barbarian elemental), the target must also gain all the strength-related effects of strength. The target creature's base strength score is set to 10. It gains advantage on all strength checks and saving throws. When you make a melee weapon attack using Strength, you gain a +2 bonus to the damage roll.

Mysterious as the Dark Side of the Moon: The target cannot reveal any new personal information about itself. This includes history, personality(beyond being stoic and mysterious), thoughts, or even feelings. Any violation of this rule will cause the spell to end prematurely for it.

Make a Man Out of You: If the target creature's species exhibits sexual dimorphism, its characteristics shift to biologically male. During the duration of the spell, if the target creature  exhibits any behaviors considered "traditionally unmanly", then the spell will end prematurely for it. The definition for "traditionally unmanly" is completely arbitrary and dependent on the DM, but some ideas for "unmanly" behaviors are:

• showing feelings
• having feelings
• running away
• compromise
• admitting weakness
• asking for help

**see links for citations in comments

Using a Higher-Level Spell Slot. The spell gains an extra 4 minutes real time duration for each higher level spell slot(you replay the song when it ends)