Vaporize Tarrasque

By means of this spell the Tarrasque dies.

You can only cast this spell if you cast this spell casting it as a spell with a level of cantrip and a casting time of 5 hours.

If the Wordle answer is not STEVE, you succeed automatically on perception checks within 10 lightyears for 1 second, and you can ignore the second line, but add the requirement of needing to not own the 123,482th table ever produced in real life.

If the spell is cast between levels 11 and 17, any magical items in a 30 foot sphere starting under your feet are flung 30 feet into the air, and will not come down for 10 minutes.

Make 7 Deception checks and an Intelligence saving throw.

The number of days in either direction away from the closest birthday of any moms, dads, siblings, dogs, or your own birthday; this is the number 1 less and 1 more than the difficulty of all 7 checks and 5 more than the difficulty of the saving throw.
Add the day of the week to the second and fourth check only, using Monday as the first day.

If you fail 3 or more of these rolls, you cast Phantasmal Killer on Acererak, Strahd, and the DM's choice of 12-300 nobles. In this way, the spell requires half your concentration unless it's an odd numbered day today using the Chinese calendar. It gains a range of 12 planes of existence and lasts up to 200 seconds plus your Sanity score.

If you do not use a Sanity score, instead clean the toilet and feel dissapointed in yourself, then resolve the timer with half the thrown attacks made in the last in-game year by the alphabetically first 7 individually named creatures.

When you cast Phantasmal Killer in this way, you roll a wild magic surge effect and a Wand of Wonder effect, using the space beneath each target's feet as the point for the wand effect.

You roll exactly 2d4 times for each, and rather than continuing for hours, you use all those effects for every casting of the spell.

If your hit point maximum is between 50 and the number of days since last New Years, you cast Fireball on your least favorite creature other than yourself within range, or your least favorite point otherwise. Replace the damage with Necrotic damage if you're lawful good, cold damage if you're true neutral, and force damage if you're chaotic evil.