As the all powerful Archaic Bard Zan is, he creates spells form now and then,if not magic items, or trying to conquer the universe. So to help in his conquests he made this spell for ease of battle or anything else that would stand in his way. 

You spread out your hands with components (if needed) and say some arcane runes (and play some tunes if your a bard), afterwards you then slap your chest and give yourself one of these effects:

• Resistant to any type of damage you choose
• Teleportation to any location that the character has been to
• Immunity to Crits
• Advantage against all 
• Resistance to spells
• Advantage against spells
• Comprehension of all Languages
• Advantage on 1 ability check

Limitations:  You can only cast it on yourself,  and you can only have one effect at a time, being that in example you can't be immune to crits and resistant to poison, only one at a time.