Bad Writing Domain

Your god has power.  Some of it is you.  The rest is not you.

Domain Spells

• Cleric Level 1: Animal Friendship, Tenser's Floating Disk
• Cleric Level 3: Heat Metal, Nystul's Magic Aura
• Cleric Level 5: Speak with Plants, Leomund's Tiny Hut
• Cleric Level 7: Confusion, Freedom of Movement
• Cleric Level 9: Awaken, Dream

Rubber Mallet Surgery

Starting at 1st level, whenever you make a skill check using a tool or kit that you don't have proficiency with, if you used the tool or kit for a purpose other than what it was intended for, you add your Proficiency bonus to the check.

Channel Divinity: Facepainting

Starting at 2nd level, you can use your Channel Divinity three times per day to paint the faces of creatures within 30 feet.  To have their face painted, the target creature must be icky in the sight of your deity.  In addition to customizing their makeup game, you can apply one of the following effects to any target:

• All other creatures avoid the target creature AND NO ONE KNOWS WHY.
• The target creature seeks out and eats any yellow thing it can find.
• Chickens that weigh more than 5 pounds, and no other creatures, will mercilessly attack the target creature any time they are nearby.

The effects of Channel Divinity end as soon as you get bored or when you fall asleep.

Insane Quiz

Starting at 6th level, once per week you can point at a creature that can speak and say "let's play quiz bowl!!"  If you fail to emphasize the double exclamation point, the effect fizzles.  For a number of minutes equal to your Cleric level, the creature is compelled to approach nearby intelligent creatures and ask them random questions.  Any intelligent creature that fails to correctly answer a question within 6 seconds becomes also compelled to ask questions.  Your deity determines what the right answer to each question is.

Ten Thousand Things

Starting at 8th level, you can use an action to summon exactly 9,999 things.  Each of the things must be no more than 4.7 inches in any dimension; additionally, each thing's largest dimension must be no more than twice its smallest dimension.  Any summoned thing that is alive vanishes after 1d4 seconds; you must roll each of the dice yourself.  You are allowed to summon the things anywhere, unless it would hurt.

At 14th level, the number of things you can summon changes by 1.

You can use the ability a number of times per day equal to the square of your Cleric level modulo 11.

Universal Power of Ultimate Everything

Starting at 17th level, muhuhahaha haha.