Slapping Bastard

Martial masters of mashing hands, the Slapping Bastards are a motley crew of once-errant knights who go through rigorous ritual training to become cuffing connoisseurs of fighting familiarity. These knights don't need weapons, no sir: their very bodies are weapons. Slapping Bastards know thy body, and use this knowledge to enact superlative smacking.

Original concept created by Bracken MacLeod for Mork Borg.

The Seven Techniques

When you choose this archetype at 3rd level, you learn techniques that are fueled by special dice called bastard dice.

Techniques. You learn the seven essential slapping techniques at 3rd level. These techniques enhance an attack in some way. You can use only one technique per attack.

Bastard Dice. You have four bastard dice, which are d8s. A bastard die is expended when you use it. You regain all of your expended bastard dice when you finish a short or long rest. You gain another bastard die at 7th level and one more at 15th level.

Saving Throws. Some of your techniques require your target to make a saving throw to resist the technique's effects. The saving throw DC is calculated as follows:

Technique save DC = 8 + your proficiency bonus + your Strength modifier

Backhand

When you hit a creature with an unarmed strike, you can expend one bastard die to attempt to dislocate their jaw, limiting their vocal abilities and crushing their spirits. You add the bastard die to the attack's damage roll, and the target must make a Constitution saving throw. On a failed save, the target's jaw is broken. While their jaw is broken, the target can only speak falteringly. Attacks against the target are at advantage until the target takes an action to correct their horribly broken mouth, at which the effect ends.

Codpiece Check

When you hit a creature with an unarmed strike, you can expend one bastard die to attempt to incapacitate the target. You add the bastard die to the attack's damage roll, and the target must make a Charisma saving throw. On a failed save, it is incapacitated until the end of your next turn.

Double Dutch

When you hit a creature with an unarmed strike, you can expend one bastard die to attempt to damage another creature with the same attack. Choose another creature within 5 feet of the original target. If the original attack roll would hit the second creature, it takes damage equal to the number you roll on your bastard die. The damage is of the same type dealt by the original attack.

Dunce Tap

When you hit a creature with an unarmed strike, you can expend one bastard die to attempt to collapse the target into a weeping heap from their own stupidity. You add the bastard die to the attack's damage roll, and the target must make an Intelligence saving throw. On a failed save, the target is knocked prone and, if the target is Large or smaller, is moved 5ft in a direction of your choice.

Forehand

When you hit a creature with an unarmed strike, you can expend one bastard die to attempt to ridicule the target, persuading them into attacking you in a fit of vengeance. You add the bastard die to the attack's damage roll, and the target must make a Wisdom saving throw. On a failed save, the target has disadvantage on all attack rolls against targets other than you until the end of your next turn.

Full-Body Pile

Immediately after you hit a creature with an unarmed strike on your turn, you can expend one bastard die and then try to grapple the target as a bonus action. Add the bastard die to your Strength (Athletics) check.

Pugilist's Pat

When you hit a creature with an unarmed strike, you can expend one bastard die to attempt to disarm the target, forcing it to drop one item of your choice that it's holding. You add the bastard die to the attack's damage roll, and the target must make a Strength saving throw. On a failed save, it drops the object you choose. The object lands at its feet, and can be kicked 5ft away as a free action.

Bastard’s Curse

Optional Rule. Your mallet-mashing palm pads are rip-corded living weapons, so dangerous that they tear delicacy out of impulse. Slapping Bastards find it impossible to wield or pick up scrolls and potions, smashing and shredding them into fine powder on contact. 

Additionally, Wisdom (Animal Handling) checks are made at disadvantage. Simple physical contact with living creatures, including handshakes, back pats, or high fives, can risk harming others. When making physical skin-to-skin contact with a target (an action in initiative), the target must make a Constitution saving throw or take 1d2 bludgeoning damage.

Boundless Body

Starting at 7th level you've honed your body to withstand the supernatural defenses of the fiercest warriors. Whenever you hit with an unarmed strike, you may choose to deal force damage in place of bludgeoning damage as your physical form surpasses its natural boundaries. This force damage ignores resistance to unarmed strikes, non-magical attacks, and force damage.

The Catch

Starting at 10th level, you learn the unarmed art of the Catch, only known by the most prodigious Slapping Bastards. When a creature hits you with an attack, you can use your reaction and expend one bastard die to catch the incoming attack. 

Bludgeoning Weapon. Make a Strength saving throw, adding your bastard die to the roll, against the target's attack roll. On a success you wrest the weapon from the attacker's grasp, negating the attack's damage, and can either wield it or throw it up to 25ft away in an unoccupied space.

Slashing or Piercing Weapon. Make a Strength or Dexterity (your choice) saving throw, adding your bastard die to the roll, against the target's attack roll. On a success you catch the weapon between your palms, negating the attack's damage. You can make an additional saving throw (Strength DC18) as part of this reaction, snapping the weapon in half if it is nonmagical on a success, rendering the weapon useless.

Single-target Spell Attack. Make a Dexterity saving throw, adding your bastard die to the roll, against the target's attack roll. On a success you catch the spell, negating the attack's damage, crushing the magic between the pads of your hands.

Perfect Fist

Starting at 15th level, your unarmed strikes score a critical hit on a roll of 19-20. Additionally, your bastard dice improve from a d8 to a d12.

Boon of the Thump Gods

At 18th level, you attain peak precision and mastery over your weaponized body. At the start of each of your turns, you regain hit points equal to 1d10 + your Constitution modifier if you have no more than half of your hit points left. You don’t gain this benefit if you have 0 hit points, or if you are wielding any weapons.