Oath Of The Basic

"Defender Of The Basic! Champion Of The Plain!"

The most sacred of calls to arms, bellowed by the simplest of knights to have ever lived. Sir John Doe's words echo in the minds of all those who live their lives and find their joy in the most common of things and experiences.

Paladins of the Oath Of The Basic, colloquially known as Normal Knights, employ that same "basic-ness" to protect the people of the world, ensuring the continued expansion of all things simple and universally liked, carrying with them the divine power of all those objects and experiences routinely enjoyed by the greatest number of people.

Gliding into battle with the heavenly, plain scent of vanilla and bean, armors adorned with motivational quotes in loopy fonts and christmas lights hanging from their tools of protection and peacekeeping, the Normal Knights fight on, striving to ensure that the beauty of sunsets and rainbows (all of which are the same) continues to be appreciated by all.

(This is a gag subclass based on the character played by Brennan Lee Mulligan in the College Humour sketch "Defender Of The Basic". This is in no way optimized or evenly balanced at all and should be entirely ignored for the purposes of actual gameplay)

Channel Divinity

When you take this oath at 3rd level, you gain the following two Channel Divinity options.

Plainly Divine Weapon. As an action, you can imbue one weapon that you are holding with basic energy, using your Channel Divinity. For 1 minute, you add your Charisma modifier to attack rolls made with that weapon (with a minimum bonus of +1). The weapon also emits a scent like that of the most popular scented candles and incenses in a 20-foot radius and a soft halo light within that same radius. If the weapon is not already magical, it becomes magical for the duration.

You can end this effect on your turn as part of any other action. If you are no longer holding or carrying this weapon, or if you fall unconscious, this effect ends.

Turn the Pretentious. As an action, you present your holy symbol and speak a prayer censuring those loathsome Serpents of The Ivory Tower, using your Channel Divinity. Each pretentious know-it-all and haughty killjoy that can see or hear you within 30 feet of you must make a Wisdom saving throw. If the creature fails its saving throw, it is turned for 1 minute or until it takes damage.

A creature turned by this ability must spend its turns listing all of the supposedly "basic" things that they actually secretly enjoy, all the while admiting that they are fakes and intentionally negative towards all things liked by most people, just to be stubbornly contrarian to others.

Oath Spells

You gain oath spells at the paladin levels listed.

3rd: protection from evil and good, sanctuary

5th: lesser restoration, zone of truth

9th: beacon of hope, dispel magic

13th: freedom of movement, guardian of faith

17th: commune, flame strike

Divine Simplicity

Starting at 7th level, you and friendly creatures within 60 feet of you gain a +1 bonus to attack rolls and AC. This ability lasts for 1 minute and can be used a number of times equal to your Charisma modifier. You regain all expanded uses after a long rest.

At 18th level this bonus increases to +2.

#Blessed

Beginning at 15th level, you are always under the effects of a Bless spell. You can choose to give the same effect to up to 2 allies within 30 ft. of you. Your allies only get this effect for 1 minute.

The Light-Crown Of The Basic

Once per long rest, as an action, you can cause a halo of 4 basic motivational quotes to appear and float above your head. As a bonus action you can send one of these quotes at any ally within 120 ft. of you and heal them for 2d10 HP, give them a +1 bonus to their AC and a Basic Inspiration Dice (d6) to use in their next attack roll, ability check or saving throw (their choice).