College of Sarcasm

I’d write a description, but do you deserve a description?

Fine: Wizard’s of the Coast insists that I include a description, so I will. If I have to. It’s a bardic college, but not the sort of college you go to. I mean, if you have to go to college to learn how to be sarcastic, then what am I even doing here.

Wit is a bard’s most potent tool, but that doesn’t mean that just any gutter troubadour can cut iron with a wicked tongue. If you have that certain savoir-faire, you’ll know it soon enough. Sarcastic Bards use their potent magic to drive home their debilitating points. They like the sound of their own voice, but their foes certainly won’t. They sow confusion in battle, and make their allies feel tall against lesser foes.

Is your tongue quicker than lightning? With only a few words, can you help turn the tides? Is it not enough to defeat your foes, but do you insist on making your enemies… cry? Then maybe try sarcasm out for a spin. And remember: if you don’t have the gift for wit – well, you can always pretend that you weren’t interested in the first place and try out for the fancy College of Lore instead.

Master of Mockery

At 3rd level, you’ve discovered the all important gift for mockery, and how to use that talent to thwart your foes with only a few utterances. You learn the cantrip Vicious Mockery. If you already know it, choose another cantrip from the Bard Spell list.

At this level, you can choose an enhancement that applies whenever you cast Vicious Mockery.

Potent Mockery: When you cast Vicious Mockery, whenever it would deal a d4 of damage, it deals a d6 instead.

Masterful Insult: When you cast Vicious Mockery, you add your Proficiency Bonus to the damage you deal.

Quick Insult: You can cast Vicious Mockery as a bonus action.

Derisive Mockery: You can use your reaction and cast Vicious Mockery after a foe makes an attack and misses you.

Stinging Barb: When you cast Vicious Mockery and your foe fails their save by 5 or more, you double the dice you roll for damage.

Vile Taunt: When you cast Vicious Mockery and a target fails it’s save, it instead causes disadvantage to all attacks that foe makes on it’s next turn.

Sneering Soliloquy: When you cast Vicious Mockery, you can choose for it to deal minimum damage, but it affects all foes in it’s range.

Frightful Diatride: When you cast Vicious Mockery, you can choose to have a foe who fails it’s save to use their reaction to move half its movement in a direction of your choosing, though not into obviously dangerous terrain. A foe affected this way doesn’t have disadvantage on it’s next attack from your Vicious Mockery.

Abrasive Abuse: When you cast Vicious Mockery and that foe fails their saving throw, rather than that foe having disadvantage on their next attack, instead their AC is lowered by 1 until the end of their next turn.

Rallying Slight: You can choose an ally as the target of Vicious Mockery, and that ally takes all the damage that they normally would. You formulate this insult to focus them, and they gain advantage on all attacks they make on their next turn.

You choose a new enhancement from this list at: 5th, 11th, and 17th level.

In addition, your ability to deceive others is enhanced by your tendency to not speak what you mean and throw comedy in the face of certain death. You add half your proficiency bonus rounded up to your Deception skill.

Abrasive Abuse

When you cast Vicious Mockery and that foe fails their saving throw, rather than that foe having disadvantage on their next attack, instead their AC is lowered by 1 until the end of their next turn.

Derisive Mockery

You can use your reaction and cast Vicious Mockery after a foe makes an attack and misses you.

Frightful Diatride

When you cast Vicious Mockery, you can choose to have a foe who fails it’s save to use their reaction to move half its movement in a direction of your choosing, though not into obviously dangerous terrain. A foe affected this way doesn’t have disadvantage on it’s next attack from your Vicious Mockery.

Masterful Insult

When you cast Vicious Mockery, you add your Proficiency Bonus to the damage you deal.

Potent Mockery

When you cast Vicious Mockery, whenever it would deal a d4 of damage, it deals a d6 instead.

Quick Insult

You can cast Vicious Mockery as a bonus action.

Rallying Slight

You can choose an ally as the target of Vicious Mockery, and that ally takes all the damage that they normally would. You formulate this insult to focus them, and they gain advantage on all attacks they make on their next turn.

Sneering Soliloquy

When you cast Vicious Mockery, you can choose for it to deal minimum damage, but it affects all foes in it’s range.

Stinging Barb

When you cast Vicious Mockery and your foe fails their save by 5 or more, you double the dice you roll for damage.

Vile Taunt

When you cast Vicious Mockery and a target fails it’s save, it instead causes disadvantage to all attacks that foe makes on it’s next turn.

Biting Words

At 3rd level, you can distract your foes from resisting effects with one of your patented insults. When a foe rolls to make a save, except death saves, you can use your reaction to expend and roll one of your Bardic Inspiration and subtract that from their save. You can do this after the d20 is rolled, but you must decide to use this ability before the DM announces success or failure.

Alternatively, you can use your inspiration to really hammer home just how stupid they are to have challenged you and your allies. Whenever you deal Psychic damage, you can use your bonus action to expend and roll a use of your Bardic Inspiration, adding the result to the amount of Psychic damage you deal.

Scornful Mind

At 6th level, your ability to harm the psyche of individuals is truly impressive. Like – maybe you should tone it down a little. As long as a creature can understand you, they can’t resist psychic damage you cause.

In addition, you’ve heard a lot of insults – and probably come up with better ones. This has given you a thick skin. You have immunity to the spell Vicious Mockery and have resistance to Psychic Damage.

Sower of Discord

At 14th level, you can use a string of offences, abuses, belittling comments, slanderous insults, and just downright rudeness to sow a symphony of chaos on the battlefield. You always have the spell Confusion prepared, and it doesn’t count toward your bard spells.

The spell operates as Keonid intended – except for a few key differences: The spell never affects your allies unless you wish it to, the sphere is instead a 15-foot-radius when cast at 4th level, and when a creature starts it’s turn it instead rolls two d10’s and you choose between the results for its effect. You can only cast this special version of the Confusion spell once per long rest.