Merc With A Mouth

Merc With A Mouth is a title only given to the sturdiest, most mobile, and most annoying of fighters. Imagine fighting an unkillable meatbag who never shuts up. And to make it worse, they know they're a character in D&D. Like who gives a subclass the ability to change a battle map? I mean, we did. You came up with the idea. Anyway, you probably have some tragic backstory and end up taking out your repressed emotional issues on bandits who have no reasonable way of winning a fight against you. Maybe your parents died horribly. Maybe you were cursed at birth. Maybe you rolled too high of a Perception check and never came back from it. Whatever happened, you're here now, I guess. Why don't you make the most of it and get some class abilities out of it in the process?

 

The 4th Wall Can't Hold Me!

DM, for what it's worth, we're sorry. Speak for yourself, I think this is great!

At 3rd level, you are aware that you are a character in a tabletop roleplaying game called Dungeons and Dragons.

You can hear the DM and the other players’ discussion.

Once per long rest, as a bonus action, you may ask the DM one yes or no question. The DM answers as they see fit and is under no obligation to answer you truthfully. You can roll a Wisdom (Insight) check against the DM to determine if the DM is lying. The DM determines their own Charisma modifier. It may be different each time you roll Insight.

Don't Feel Bad, Even I Can't Kill Me

Didn't Dreadpool say this at one point? I mean it is also a quote from the second movie. 

At 3rd level, at the start of your turn, unless you are at 0HP, you heal hit points equal to your fighter level. If you lose a limb or a body part, said body part will slowly regrow over the course of 8 hours. If you hold the severed limb or body part to the place it was severed from, it will knit back onto your body over the course of 1 minute.

You are immune to all disease and have advantage on saving throws to resist the Poisoned condition.

Continuity Error

The other bag of holding. 

At 7th level, as a bonus action, you may instantaneously draw or stow any number of weapons, don or doff one set of armour, or produce, equip, or store any number of items. These weapons, armours, and items must be in your inventory. 

While you are using them, ranged weapons no longer consume ammunition, as you can produce an endless supply of ammunition from seemingly nowhere. This ammunition, however, cannot be sold or traded. This subclass is insane already, give the DM a break.

You’re basically a sh*tty artificer. Can we swear in this?

Moderate Case of Severe Brain Damage

What's a Wheatley? I don't know man, sounds like a cereal.

At 7th level, you have immunity to psychic damage, the charmed condition, madness effects, magical effects that require the alteration of your thoughts or memories, and magic can’t put you to sleep.

Suspiciously Incredible Reflexes

Yeah, we can hear that battle music too. 

At 10th level, add your proficiency modifier to your initiative bonus. Or don’t. We’re not the boss of you.

Ain't No Rest For The Stupid

I don't think we could have come up with a better name for this, it's so perfect. I know, I am a genius. 

At 10th level, when you are reduced to 0HP, you do not fall unconscious. You must still make death saving throws at the start of your turn, and then you may act as normal. Normal rules still apply for death saving throws, and if you take any damage while at 0HP, you must roll on the Lingering Injuries table.

When you fail three death saving throws, you will die. You can choose to return to life with 1HP at the start of your next turn or you may return to life with half your hit point maximum after 1 hour, with all of your severed limbs or body parts regrown and Lingering Injuries fully healed.

This was originally part of the 3rd level packet. Can you imagine?

You Know I Can See This Map Too, Right?

Of course you can't put the bouncy castle on anyone else, it's our bouncy castle. 

At 15th level, if a creature is on the battle map, it does not benefit from half, three quarter, or full cover when you are making a ranged attack against them.

Once per long rest, as a bonus action, you may make one of the following changes to the battle map you are currently on.

• Swap the positions of two minis or the equivalent
• Add 10ft of half cover or 5ft of full cover
• Make a 15ft radius area anywhere on the battle map into difficult terrain
• Add a bottomless pit with a radius of 5ft in an unoccupied space
• Add a 10ft radius bouncy castle centred on yourself

These changes remain until the end of your next turn. You’re not God.

Get 'em, Mac!

It's a Punch Out reference. 

At 15th level, as a bonus action, your player eats a snack in real life. If the snack is many small foods like Skittles or Smarties, gain 1 hit point for the number of items the player can fit in their mouth at once and then successfully eat. You only gain half that number if the player spits any out. Rice is not allowed. If the snack is one large item like a donut or a pastry, expend up to 7 hit dice and regain hit points equal to the number rolled on those hit dice upon completion of the snack.

No dinners. We said snacks. Also like have a bowl on hand if you can’t fit the Skittles in your mouth.

You can only do this once per session.

Yeah, Give Me Teleporters, I’m Sure That Won’t Go Badly

You're sure this one isn't too overpowered? It's level 18, they've earned it. 

At 18th level, you can cast Misty Step without using a spell slot a number of times equal to your Constitution modifier per long rest.

And Screw It, Why Not Mask of Many Faces While We’re At It

Did Deadpool have one of these? Yes but it didn't work properly because he's crazy. 

At 18th level, you can cast Disguise Self at will. Isn’t this a Game of Thrones reference? No this is an Eldritch Invocation for Warlock. Nerd. Hey you’re making this subclass as well.