Quote from SpiderQueenYvonne >>

Dragon: "Ha! You can't harm me and I can't harm you! I suppose it's stalemate, then!"

Wizard: "I cast Fly on the Barbarian."

Dragon: "Excuse me what the-"

 Best one so far

Paladin: "Alright, Wizard, get behind me! These monsters look tough."

Wizard: *pulls out greatwrord* "Why is that?"

Paladin: *visible confusion*

So I was playing in a campaign with dm, Discord Nightshade, Hexblood Sorcerer (me) and Ryu, Tabaxi Sorcerer. We were in elf court for defiling land and stuff, and some pretty funny things happened 

Judge: "How do you two know eachother?''

Ryu: "We're great pals-"

Discord: "Ive never met this man in my life"

a bit later in the trial

Judge: "have you ever committed any past crimes?"

Ryu: "Noooo im a good person! I dont do bad things"

Judge: "well it says right here that you burned down an orphanage"

Ryu: "oh..."

Judge: "what about you, Discord?"

Discord: "Listen... I didn't know embezzling money in the name of nobles was illegal-"

Quote from SpiderQueenYvonne >>

Paladin: "Alright, Wizard, get behind me! These monsters look tough."

Wizard: *pulls out greatwrord* "Why is that?"

Paladin: *visible confusion*

 NEVER underestimate the wizard

Fifth level party with Kohein (elf rogue/arcane trickster), Ketthan (tabaxi monk), Perri (human warlock), and Verity (half elf cleric). Verity occaisionally wanders off and we are joined by Gospel Glosswood (old man elf cleric) and so far nobody has made any connection there in character. Party is accompanied by NPCs Vermina (human energetic nerd of yet undetermined class) and Tenoch (firbolg orphan boy working as out translator [region has a different "common" that we don't speak]. Setting is a massive underground realm something like a cross between "Journey to the Center of the Earth" and Arthur Conan Doyle's "Lost World" with a prehispanic Mesoamerican theme. 

Skulking about, we see the warrior woman that Kohein was trying to flirt with making out with the chief's daughter.

Kohein: "So that's why my charms weren't working on her."
Perri: "Sure, Koko, you're very charming."

===

We've met a human monk named Lo, who offers to help us.

Lo: "I will follow the lady with the dragon. She seems to know what she's doing."  *Referring to Perri and her pseudodragon familiar* 
Perri: "That's your first mistake."

===

Rolling stealth in the jungle.

Gospel: *4* "I'll walk on my knees!"
Perri: *3* I crunch any sticks that Gospel misses."

===

Kohein: "That was some of the most skillful running away I have ever seen!"

Kohein: "Our frontline fighters are not forming a line in front of us."

Perri: "Old man just wanders off in the middle of a fight..."
Gospel: "Listen, I have three hit points right now, I'm not going to accomplish much!"

Gospel: "We should mark this on the map as not safe."
Perri: "Can we mark it '*******?' There's a place marked 'cannibals,' how about just '*******' for this one?"
Kohein: "How about 'deadly flaming magic *******?'"

Kohein: "This is seriously the first time we've received monetary payment for anything, so if we're mercenaries in it for profit we really aren't very good at it."

DM: "You are surrounded by night people."
Vermina: *no darkvision* "Why are you all suddenly all twitchy, do you think there are night people around?"
Kohein: "The key word being 'around.'"

Kohein: "I assure you that my friends are definitely not devious masterminds of destruction."

Perri: "Does this count as a short rest?"
DM: "No."
Perri: "How about a long rest?"
Perri: "Hell no!"
Perri: "I was unconcious!"
DM: "You were drugged!"

After picking the lock of the cell he's in while Gospel distracts the guard at the adjacent cell, Kohein crits with an unarmed sneak attack on said guard. 

DM: "Okay, describe how you do all that damage."
Kohein: "I'm just cold cocking this guy with a big haymaker to the back of the head, straight up dirty fighting."

Gospel reveals himself/themself to be a changeling and assumes the guard's form then strips his clothes.

Gospel: "Don't worry, I'll leave him his underwear. Oh, he isn't wearing any. Oh well, I guess that's his fault."

Interrogating the now naked guard.

Guard: "Ygdrasil [leader of the bad guys] is crazy, we just do what he wants!"
Kohein: "I think you should focus on what we want right now. Like what is this place and where is our stuff?"
Perri: "And how flammable is it here?"

Evil Goon: "Do you know they have a manticore over there?"
[Roll20 chat]: Perri wants to pet the manticore.

Kohein: "This guy looks important so I'm going to shoot him."
DM: "What makes you think he's important?"
Gospel: "He has a border on his token!"
Perri: "He has a fancy token, that's gotta mean something!"

DM: "This guy throws open his cape and pulls out a scimitar."
Perri: "Gee, guy, at least take us to dinner first before you whip it out like that!"

Perri crits two eldritch blasts right after Kohein crit with a sneak attack longbow shot, all totalling 69 damage in one turn.

Kohein: "He's still standing after that? I knew he was important!"

Going to interrogate the surviving enemy goon...

Perri: "Prop him up against the bar first."
Gospel: "Prop him up there, kick him in the nuts."

===

Kohein: *ooc* "I just came back and I see initiative rolls, what the hell?"

Kohein: "Okay I shoot this guy for 18 damage."
DM: "He's dead."
Perri: "Dead, dead!"
Kohein: "For the record, I the player am just going along with whatever yinz started while I had to run to the pharmacy so I don't want to be blamed for the bodies!"

===

Gospel/Verity shifts to their real form, a female changeling who gives her name as "True" and gives us a short summary of her backstory, which is mostly what she already told us as Verity when we first met. 

Kohein: "Well I suppose we're all misfits of some sort and if you were going to harm us you had plenty of chances so I guess I can trust you."
Lo: "Yeah we're all a big happy family, what are we going to do?"
Kohein: "We still don't trust you yet."

DM: "Verity, Gospel, True, in the other game you're collecting tokens in this one names!" [Reference to Nu and all their summons needing their own folder in the DM's token files]

True: "How are people looking? Any damage?"
Kohein: "Are you implying that you actually prepared a healing spell for once?"
True: "Yes, I'm True now and True heals."

Kohein: "Jade powder, you know anything about that, True?"
True: "I know it's green."

===

Verity: "You're not helping here."
Kohein: "I'm trying to be the bad cop."

Ketthan: "I bang the table and roar." *5 Intimidate check*
Kohein: *ooc* "Hairball!"

Kohein: "I think I'm about to do something stupid."
Perri: "Do it!"
Kohein: "Good to know I have the support of my party."
Perri: "We're always here for doing something stupid!"

Kohein: "Because we're smart!"
Perri: "Are we?"

===

DM: "Huju [Kohein's owl familiar] just saw the two of them go into the house with the horny dwarf lady and a bottle of wine. For all you know they could both be pervs."
Kohein: "I think I noticed earlier that Verity was uncomfortable and the last time somebody tried to kiss Perri she burned down the building."
Worth noting that by the time Kohein got there the house was on fire.

Fighting some monsters. Sorcerer casts ray of frost. 

Me: "Frosty the snowman"

Somebody else (not sure who): "-ticore."

I should stop dying, it’s probably unhealthy

Fire is the solution to everything

We’re like Jeff Bezos, if Jeff Bezos were homicidal

You slice the halfling - actually scratch that, you just invented quarterlings

I’ve run out of emotions

YOUR DRIP DOESN’T AFFECT THE ARCANE POWER OF MERLIN

6th level party, this session we had a wizard (me), a bard, a ranger/rogue, a cleric, and a paladin

*minotaur approaches*

wizard: "guys please we can't fight this minotaur right now half of us are half dead from those banshees still"

*general agreement from the party, bard casts message and asks if the minotaur wants bread*

*the minotaur sits down, presumably awaiting bread*

ranger: "if we want to stay alive we better get some GOOD BREAD"

*bard reaches into his robe of breadening (magic item that makes random breads)*

DM: "ok uh roll for bread"

*nat 20*

long story short, we befriended a minotaur. with bread.

"ALRIGHT HOMIES IT'S FIREBALL TIME"

"hey, arson was supposed to be my talent"

"we could give the chair a TONGUE"

(edit: fixed spacing cause it was weird)

"excuse me, But we are looking for Bill Doors, Married to The Muffin Man. Do you Know the Muffin Man?"

I love one shots.

From my school’s D&D club:

“You do realize kobolds and foxes are not the same thing, right?”

”They can be… You just shave a bear, dye the fur blue, get a ton of really sticky tree sap… it’s really not that complicated.”

Dm: “what’s your animal pal gonna be?”

ranger sis: “Penguin!”

Dm: “alright then, lagoon gets a penguin”

ranger sis: “his name shall be Happy feet”

Dm: “you do realize Happy feet is the name of the movie, not the penguin” 

ranger sis: “his name shall be Happy feet”

Quote from the_minmaxed_druid >>

"excuse me, But we are looking for Bill Doors, Married to The Muffin Man. Do you Know the Muffin Man?"

I love one shots.

 Do I know the Muffin Man.... *gasp* The one on Baker's Lane?

I love this!

Quote from SpiderQueenYvonne >>

Quote from the_minmaxed_druid >>

"excuse me, But we are looking for Bill Doors, Married to The Muffin Man. Do you Know the Muffin Man?"

I love one shots.

 Do I know the Muffin Man.... *gasp* The one on Baker's Lane?

I love this!

 Why thank you. here is another one from that one shot.

"STOP RIGHT THERE BILL DOORS! OR WE WILL HAVE TO FIGHT YOU! NO, DON'T YOU DARE GO THROUGH THAT DOOR! NO, THATS NOT IN THE SCRIPT!!!!!!!"

Villain: "Seriously? I was in the middle of my whole 'bad guy monologue', which I spent THREE WEEKS coming up with, and you have the AUDACITY to cast SILENCE on me?!"

Wizard: "Did you guys hear something?" *cast silence again* "No? Alright."

Quote from SpiderQueenYvonne >>

Villain: "Seriously? I was in the middle of my whole 'bad guy monologue', which I spent THREE WEEKS coming up with, and you have the AUDACITY to cast SILENCE on me?!"

Wizard: "Did you guys hear something?" *cast silence again* "No? Alright."

 haha.

Me, a bard: “I say we go to the cave”

my dad, a barb: “why tho?” 

ne, a bard: “because if it’s a trap I’ll feel no remorse torturing whoever set it up”

my cousin, a blood hunter: “this is why we’re friends”

"Can fish get hepatitis?"

Our party is in a mansion and encountered the child of a god who has an item we need to continue our quest. The child decided to make a game of it and teleported away, challenging us to find her.

Player: [OOC] I cast message directed at the child. [In character] "You can run, but you can't hide. No, wait, you are hiding. You can hide, but you can't run. Oh, wait, you already ran. Um, you can run and hide, but you can't lick your own elbow." [OOC] Yes, I say all of that.

Party recently had stuff stolen by two children, we captured them and started interrogating them because they dropped a map before running.

Thief: "Try it, you won't hurt me."

Sorcerer and Cleric in unison: "I would like to make an attack roll."