Also from the above session, out of character after we finished playing:

Serena: "So that's the second session in a row that ends with us all disappearing into a mysterious void yet once again Serena is going to spend the entire week, in that corner of my brain where my characters live, instead still angsting over the boy she likes. Because we never got back to that."
Ferrin: "Sounds like the right priorities for a seventeen year old." 
Nu: "Yeah, I want really to know how that works out, too."
DM: "So does my girlfriend. She treats my games like soap operas. As soon as I log off she always asks 'What happened? What did they do this time?'"
Serena: "I even prepared a whole little speech."

"You get pneumonia from smoking that snow blunt" 

“Bold words for someone in potted plant distance.”

Third level party with Kohein (elf rogue/arcane trickster), Ketthan (tabaxi monk), Perri (human warlock), and Verity (half elf cleric). Party is accompanied by NPCs Vermina (human energetic nerd of yet undetermined class) and Tenoch (firbolg orphan boy working as out translator [region has a different "common" that we don't speak). Setting is a massive underground realm something like a cross between "Journey to the Center of the Earth" and Arthur Conan Doyle's "Lost World" with a prehispanic Mesoamerican theme.

Accompanied by our guide, Aru, we're tasked with hunting a beast to prove our worthiness to enter the tribe's sacred grounds. The beast turns out to be basically an armored tapir the size of a large buffalo. Also we got attacked by voodoo monkeys.

Kohein: "We have to haul this whole thing back?"
Aru: "To prove your victory, yes. You and your friends are very strong, yes?"
Kohein: "In case you haven't noticed, my friends are all very skinny and I'm not exactly built for heavy lifting. Also two of them are currently unconscious."

===

Back at the village we have to eat of the beast's heart, raw. Perri was rather entusiastic about extracting said heart with her handaxe. 

Verity: "I cast detect poison and disease to make sure we didn't get the sick tapir."
Perri: "I like how you do that after I've been digging around in it's guts."

===

Observing the locals' general tendency to wear very little (if any) clothing.

Vermina: "Like look at that lady over there, you can see her, uh, goods."
Verity: "Goods? She doesn't seem to be carrying anything."
Perri: "No, her goods. Unless you'd call them bads."
Kohein: "Nah, they look pretty good to me."

===

Perri: "Are you hiding behind the flower?"
*Kohein rolls 23 for stealth*
Kohein: "Yes."

Kohein: "I really hope this big sucker is on our side!"
Verity: "Well we'll find out when you try to move away from it."
Kohein: "Not if I move away from it!" *cunning action disengage*

Ketthan: "Is that thing hostile?"
Kohein: "I really hope not!"
Verity: "It's a fiend!"
Kohein: "That doesn't make me feel any better right now!"

Kohein: "I really want to do something that might be stupid..."
Perri: "We love stupid ideas!"

===

Following a 22 [nat 20] wisdom save

Kohein: "I just tried something possibly fatally stupid and it worked so I'm feeling very wise right now!"

“That’s surprising, I figured I’d die.”

”All I did was turn a portal thing pink and attack some cultists.”

”So basically, I got hit on the head with a staff really hard, died, talked to a big green spiral, came back to life and now I have to kill you.”

"There's your bounty money, but I've deducted 10 gold for you killing our guard dog."

"Your guard dog attacked me, surely there should be some compensation for that?"

"Given that I can see the skin of our guard dog draped over your pack, I can tell which party needs compensating."

Ninth level party of Ferrin (half elf wizard), Sister Serena (aasimar cleric), Venn (tiefling sorcerer), Xanlar (half elf paladin), and Nu (axolotl shifter druid),  plus NPCs Phillip (human ranger), Al (halfling cleric), and Pin the kobold.

Most of the session centered around meeting a weird merchant in the Feywild who sells magic items but rather than currency demands secrets as payment. 

Nu: "What's he saying?"
Ferrin: "He wants payment in secrets instead of money."
Nu: "What are secrets?"
Ferrin "You know how sometimes there are things you don't want other people to know?"
Nu: "No."

===

Nu: "Relevant? What kind of elephant is that?"

===

Nu wants to get a magic flute that buffs summoned creatures (as a Circle of Shepherd Druid summoning is Nu's main "thing" and they are, conveniently, actually proficient with flutes) but is having trouble coming up with an appropriate secret to pay for it. This leads to the following OOC exchange.

Serena: "You're showing a child a toy then telling them they can't have it." 
DM: "They can't have it unless they can afford it."
Ferrin: "They can't have it because they're not a liar."

===

Serena: "So what kind of other things do you have?"
Pin: "Maybe you can get something skimpy for Phillip."
Serena: "Hush, you!"

Later...

Serena: "Do you have any magical lightweight armor, or something else that could provide protection for, say, an archer?"
*other players literally giggling in voice*
Ferrin: "Oh, we can see where this is going."
Serena: "Hush, you!"
Merchant: "I have many such things. What you can afford depends on the secret you share as payment."
Ferrin: "So how much do you want to dress up your boy?"
Serena: "I said hush!"

===

Nu does end up getting the flute, and we end up fighting zombies. Just basic zombies, really just pests that get summoned when we mess up while trying to solve the riddle required to escape the Feywild and go home. Nu's player remembers that she has a toy recorder and is playing it over voice chat for immersion.

DM: "Nu's turn again, what do you do?"
Nu: *recorder sounds*
Serena: "You know the effect doesn't stack, so you don't need to play it every turn."
Nu: "That's my turn!"
Ferrin: "It's like a child with a new toy, it's too fascinating to do anything else."
Nu: *more recorder sounds*

===

Zombies keep failing to hit Serena's AC.

Serena: "I am too holy and pious for such foul creatures to harm me!"
Ferrin: "And heavily armored."
Serena: "Pelor helps those who help themselves."

Spellcasters are describing their spell lists.  

Barbarian Player:  "My spells are Angry and Attack."  

Quote from EnchantedNinja12345 >>

Spellcasters are describing their spell lists.  

Barbarian Player:  "My spells are Angry and Attack."  

Fourth level party (we leveled up!) with Kohein (elf rogue/arcane trickster), Ketthan (tabaxi monk), Perri (human warlock), and Verity (half elf cleric). Party is accompanied by NPCs Vermina (human energetic nerd of yet undetermined class) and Tenoch (firbolg orphan boy working as out translator [region has a different "common" that we don't speak). Setting is a massive underground realm something like a cross between "Journey to the Center of the Earth" and Arthur Conan Doyle's "Lost World" with a prehispanic Mesoamerican theme.

Vermina: "Am I dreaming? Is this all just a dream?"
Perri: "I pinch Vermina."
Vermina: "Ow!"

===

Fighting a boss monster that gains strength from consuming smaller shadow monsters much like a vacuum cleaner.

Perri: "Do you think he ever gets gas from all this air he eats?"

===

Verity: "I'm gonna roll a coin, hold on." *rolls a d2 in Roll20* "Wait, I didn't decide what the sides were gonna be."

===

Perri steps away and is reporting in to her patron, an archfey to whom she tells the stories of her travels and adventures. 

Perri: "And I've made some new friends! There's Kohein, he's an elf and probably not a murderer still not completely sure about that, there's Vermina, she's really smart but I feel like if I don't keep looking at her she'll walk off a cliff, Verity's also smart but I trust her around cliffs, and Ketthan is a cat guy that jumps around and punches things a lot."

===

Fighting the same boss as before, again, and it whammies Verity into a hallucinogenic childlike state which causes her to stop fighting to sit down and build little "houses" from pebbles.  

Verity: "Can I roll sleight of hand to see how good these little houses I'm building are?"
DM: "Well it's your turn again so try another Wisdom save."
*Verity rolls an 8*
Verity: "Well, since I'm here anyway..."
*Sleight of hand roll 18*
DM: "You are building an absolutely wonderful little dollhouse. And if you put this rock here like that it looks like a chimney!"

===

Upon being defeated, the monster transforms into the village chief who says something to our guide in their language then dies.

Kohein: "Are we gonna get blamed for this? Also I think there's some sort of lesson to be learned from all of this but I have no clue what it is."
Vermina: "What do you think this is?"
Kohein: "Clearly some kind of mystic mumbo jumbo."
Vermina: "This is important!"
Kohein: "Mystic mumbo jumbo can be important, but that doesn't mean I understand how it works any better so it's still mumbo jumbo."

===

A pendant that Kohein was given during the first session starts going "ping" a lot.

Kohein: "Uh, what's this thing supposed to do again?"
Perri: "It's supposed to protect us or something."
Kohein: "Well it's definitely somethinging!"

Second level party with Ergdak (half-goliath fighter with a storm giant bloodline), Cash (human bard), Hugar Broadsky (half orc druid), and Ymorp (halfling rogue with an overt size complex).

Cash and Hugar are helping Ergdak study and practice with magic runes as he's trying to learn to become a Rune Knight.

Ergdak: "We should find an isolated location to test this, in case it blows up in my face."
Hugar: "Or if it makes your face blow up!"
Cash: "If that happens we'll be there to mop you up."

After the first successful test

Hugar: "When you got big did your brain get bigger and make you feel smarter or did it feel like it stayed normal and was rattling around inside your bigger skull?"

Cash: "First time I tried magic it was a mess. Tried to charm a waitress, hit the bouncer behind her. It was a weird night."
Ergdak: "Well you survived, so you learned something."
Cash: "Yeah. I was a bit sore after but I definitely learned some things."

During some downtime Hugar mentions that he's practicing his newly learned wildshape ability, skulking about the city in various animal forms.

DM: "So as you other two are sitting at your usual table you see a green cat walk in and jump up onto Hugar's normal seat then it changes form into the familiar half orc."
Hugar: "Actually, if I'm coming in like that instead of shifting back right away I'll just sit there for a minute looking around then lick my balls a bit."
Ergdak: "Um, when you change forms like that are you still you, mentally, or do you actually think like the animal you become?"
Hugar: "Meow?"

*Barbarian rolls Nat 20 for intimidation*
DM: Ight, what do you say to scare these thugs off?

Barbarian: "MMMMmmmm... Hemorrhoids."

Quote from VariksTheLoyal >>

*Barbarian rolls Nat 20 for intimidation*
DM: Ight, what do you say to scare these thugs off?

Barbarian: "MMMMmmmm... Hemorrhoids."

Sad Player: "I'd like to cry in character"

DM that sounds like Mrs Doubtfire: "That's allowed"

Sad Player: "Do I need to roll for it?"

DM that sounds like Mrs Doubtfire: : "No, deary. Crying is a free action."

“Take that, you bi…g meanie!”

Sorceress: "Did Blobdob’s dad do a good job leading? Did he ask you about your opinions?"
Kuo-toa: "He said we eat this," (picks up a wad of bacterial slime from the ground and eats it) "and give shell and crystals from lake under lake to Blibdoolpoolp shrine and throw up on it and we said “yeah, we like that” and then we do that."
Sorceress: "OOC, I want that kind of simplistic fish life"

Sorceress(OOC): (Talking about Blibdoolpoolp's cult)"This is my religion now."

Bard: “He says he loves you, and- I think he’s vomiting?”
Sorceress: ”Yeah, he does that sometimes. Isn’t he the sweetest?”

these quotes got me dying

To players unfamiliar with rules regarding death and dying:

Player5: "Can I just explain to them out-of-character than I can use an action to try to stabilize someone who is making Death Saves which stops them from having to make Death Saves until someone can heal them? I can't think of a non-metagame way to say it."

DM: "Since you just explained it out-of-character anyway, I'm tempted to see if you can do it in-character anyway."

Player 5 : "Um..." If any of you are bleeding out, I can stop the bleeding.

Player 1: So you can heal us.

Player 5: Not really. I can just stop the bleeding.

Player 4: So, say, if I've got a bleeding gash, you can patch me up so I can keep fighting longer?

Player 5: No. You have to be dying.

Player 4: Well, it seems like it's a bit too late then.

Player 3: What if I'm dying and not bleeding?

Player 5: I can stop you from dying.

Player 1: So, it's an immortality spell?

Player 5: No. I'll use bandages.

Player 4: How does that work if [Player 3] is not bleeding?

Player 5: I don't know. I'll just say encouraging things I suppose. I don't know. I just don't know.

DM: "This is fun."

Player 5: "I'm not having fun."

Others: "We sure are."

I suppose in that case it would be like CPR. It can save someone's life in a pinch, but you really don't want to experience it if you don't need to.

I play to campaigns and they are both full of them.

This is one I do with my dad, brothers and sisters

*throws shield at owlbear* "C'mon guys! Do it like captain america would!!"