oh and sorry for starting to derail this

Me playing my teenaged female goliath warlock: do I really look like a man?

Gnome Artificer: Nah. You're just a very tall, muscular woman. 

From a stream:

Player 2: "My Half-Orc Barbarian is a traditionalist from her tribe who doesn't wear a top."
Me: "I'm both interested and dreading to see the fan art for that one."

Context: playing tomb of horrors thwy has Cotten down the end of the entrance hall.

Dwarf cleric, arokocra bard, and dragon born fighter and me DM

cleric ”I am gonna throw hector in the mouth.”

DM “ hector goes int the darkness in this mouth and disappears.”

quietly in form he actors player “ bard your character is now dead.”

cleric and fighter “ we jump in after him.”

I don't even remember the majority of this conversation, but basically it went something like this:

Most of the party were camped just outside of a village, and after they got tired of playing truth or dare, the sorceress suggested playing spin the bottle. The 2,000+ year old baelnorn lich NPC that the party was travelling with assumed that spin the bottle was a game where people just spun a bottle to entertain themselves and thought that was very boring, so then the sorceress suggested 7 minutes in heaven. The lich didn't know what that game was either, and, to the horror of the rest of the party, was fascinated and shocked that the sorceress knew how to access the Celestial Realms, even if it was only for seven minutes. The sorceress explained to him that to play seven minutes in heaven, two people who like each other go into a closet, things happen, and after seven minutes they come out, and no Celestial Realms were involved. The lich asked her what the point of the game was supposed to be then, if all that the players do is stand in a closet for seven minutes? To which her reply was that the things that the players do in the closet is supposed to increase their feelings towards each other. The lich said that if standing in a closet for seven minutes is what the people of that era thought amounted to a decent date, then people nowadays have horrible taste in romance. At this point, the others intervened and ended up convincing him that seven minutes in heaven is actually forbidden magic. 

From that point forward, whenever the sorceress mentioned something 18+, the party would tell the lich that that was also forbidden magic. Maybe you would have had to be there, but there's just something so hilarious about a mad reincarnated angel trying to explain seven minutes in heaven to an ancient legendary monster while their two friends are frantically trying to protect his innocence.

"You look like a wet chicken."

Our human archery fighter was beaten badly by a large fish (maybe a fresh-water shark or something) and drop unconscious in the water. So I rush in and try to pull him out of water. 

DM: "You only pull out half of his body since the shark is still holding the body in its mouth and your action just separates it into two."

DM: "The archer is now dead"

I freeze for a moment and say "ok I will just leave the body to the shark then."

Then type out in chat as out-of-character "this game is officially rated for 18+ now"

Reminds me of a streamed campaign I recently stumbled upon where the first two kills as described by the players with the killing blow had another player stated, "This campaign's kinda gone from PG to R18." and, on the second time, "This campaign's definitely rated R18." (Given what happens later in the prepared campaign, R18 was certain to happen anyway.)

Such player-described kills and party revulsion in response have since become a staple in the group.

Not a quote, but a funny moment.

The party is fighting a sorrowsworn in a greenhouse. I climb to the roof of the greenhouse, break the glass, and drop through the hole onto the monster's shoulders. The next party member to have a turn casts Reduce on the creature. So all of a sudden, my over six foot tall half-elf is standing astride a very angry four foot tall sorrowsworn, and neither of us understand wtf just happened

ELDRITCH BLAST!

Holsen, holsen, so...

So, you really wanna blow up the roof.. Let me roll a d100.  Oh.  You collapsed 49% of the roof!

DM: okay, so there is a rapidly spinning adamantine propellor thing in the hallway

Me: I run through it

DM: uuhhh... you take *roll*roll*roll*roll* 47 damage for your 8th level character

Me: okay what do I do now.

DM: uh there's not much over there

Me: I run through it again.

DM: 47 more damage

Me: CLERIC I NEED HEALING!

From a stream I recently saw on catch-up:

The Goliath has trouble with speaking.

Goliath: "I'm going to **** him..."
Goliath: "...up."
Gnome: "I'm real glad you finished that sentence."

(No. There's nothing wrong with your forum settings. I have to be in a right sour mood to type that word.)

Cleric: I'm going to insult this troll's family in Aracokran, which I'll say is spanish.

DM: Oh! Not so tough, why don't you come down here and fight me like a man!

My warlock just walking to the other end of the bridge: this is NOT how I was expecting my day to go. 

"It's fun to be careful!"
- Salem, my wizard

Party member: *hands an object to the NPC traveling with our party*

DM: "His arm immediately tries to eat it."

Me: "His arm has a mouth!?"

DM: "It does now."

Quote from commonmortal25 >>

Party member: *hands an object to the NPC traveling with our party*

DM: "His arm immediately tries to eat it."

Me: "His arm has a mouth!?"

DM: "It does now."

 When the DM makes a verbal screw-up and ends up turning it around to make the NPC somehow more interesting and more terrifying at the same time in a creative way.

From a stream where the players made fun of the DM imitating creaking bones sounding like a Transformer...

DM: "She turns into a truck."

Now, old people with creaking bones might change into a modern vehicle at random.

Demogorgon appeared, the lizard folk druid in the water

Druid: how close am I to the Demogorgon' balls?

The entire party: NO! DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!