Wasn't a campaign, more like a PvP battle field, but here is the quote. 

Me: I cast Command on you, the save is DC 13 Wisdom, and the command is Die.

My opponent: 

That... That isn't a command...

10

DM : You all find yourselves in a prison, Nikoli will be very familiar with this place

-----------------

Me : Just to recap, I'm being used as a battering ram and I'm also unconscious

Player 5 (New to the campaign) : I'm guessing you're a barbarian?

Me : No I'm a Chaotic Stupid Cleric

----------------

Me : You Guys Surrender!

Player 3 : Unconscious people don't talk so shush

----------------

DM : You see an army of hellhounds over the next hill

Party : That isn't fair! Why did you do that?

DM : To be fair, you derailed the campaign I set up and you're all dying or unconscious

Me : What about dying and unconscious

DM : Well yeah, but this won't kill you so don't worry

Player 1 (The only living party member) : I'll start running

Also Player 1 : Let's hear it for cowardice

( This was after the bandit camp people started to attack us, then they ran away because hell hounds )

------------------

Me : You know what would be good against demons? Radiant Damage... You know who deals radiant damage? Me...

Player 2 : Yes, but you're dying on the ground

I haven't actually played an actual game yet, but that sounds like it would make sense.

Which one?

Your post above mine.

Yeah but which one?

Quote from Nikoli_Goodfellow_King_Of_Random >>

DM : You all find yourselves in a prison, Nikoli will be very familiar with this place

-----------------

Me : Just to recap, I'm being used as a battering ram and I'm also unconscious

Player 5 (New to the campaign) : I'm guessing you're a barbarian?

Me : No I'm a Chaotic Stupid Cleric

----------------

Me : You Guys Surrender!

Player 3 : Unconscious people don't talk so shush

----------------

DM : You see an army of hellhounds over the next hill

Party : That isn't fair! Why did you do that?

DM : To be fair, you derailed the campaign I set up and you're all dying or unconscious

Me : What about dying and unconscious

DM : Well yeah, but this won't kill you so don't worry

Player 1 (The only living party member) : I'll start running

Also Player 1 : Let's hear it for cowardice

( This was after the bandit camp people started to attack us, then they ran away because hell hounds )

------------------

Me : You know what would be good against demons? Radiant Damage... You know who deals radiant damage? Me...

Player 2 : Yes, but you're dying on the ground

 

 

 This one

Ok

hello i am sam's little sister

Quote from OboeLauren >>

This last episode of Silver and Steel was filled with advice:

“I learned how to fly by falling a lot.” - Orkira 

Wise words from Avren: ‘Don’t take the butt of a cat.’

“This needs to be fatter, things are cuter when they’re cubby.” - Daisy

 Please delete my comment....

Raging barbarian to Kelestra Delvingstone.

"I'm going to decapitate you." drops magic battle axe, draws mace. 

Kelestra laughs.

Barbarian: "Slowly." Rolls a natural 20.

Cue 3 rage filled attacks of the Barbarian pounding away at the Vampire's neck with a mace.

Quote from The_Glimpse >>

Raging barbarian to Kelestra Delvingstone.

"I'm going to decapitate you." drops magic battle axe, draws mace. 

Kelestra laughs.

Barbarian: "Slowly." Rolls a natural 20.

Cue 3 rage filled attacks of the Barbarian pounding away at the Vampire's neck with a mace.

 That's...that's just amazing.

DM: does a 17 hit?

me: yes

-one round later-

DM: does a 26 hit?

me: no

The Paladin, after getting laid by an NPC, and calls it "meditation".

My 7 year old goliath girl, too innocent to understand sex: I wish I had someone to meditate with.

*the party feels really awkward, try to explain it, and failing*

Quote from Nikoli_Goodfellow_King_Of_Random >>

DM : You all find yourselves in a prison, Nikoli will be very familiar with this place

-----------------

Me : Just to recap, I'm being used as a battering ram and I'm also unconscious

Player 5 (New to the campaign) : I'm guessing you're a barbarian?

Me : No I'm a Chaotic Stupid Cleric

----------------

Me : You Guys Surrender!

Player 3 : Unconscious people don't talk so shush

----------------

DM : You see an army of hellhounds over the next hill

Party : That isn't fair! Why did you do that?

DM : To be fair, you derailed the campaign I set up and you're all dying or unconscious

Me : What about dying and unconscious

DM : Well yeah, but this won't kill you so don't worry

Player 1 (The only living party member) : I'll start running

Also Player 1 : Let's hear it for cowardice

( This was after the bandit camp people started to attack us, then they ran away because hell hounds )

------------------

Me : You know what would be good against demons? Radiant Damage... You know who deals radiant damage? Me...

Player 2 : Yes, but you're dying on the ground

 

 

 HA

Context: Our party was interrogating some NPCs about the attempted assassination of our half-orc barbarian's uncle. We had a cleric come and cast Zone of Truth and then all suspects had to say their alibis.

The Earth-Genasi, the Leonin, the Warforged and the Dragonborn all answered truthfully, but when we pressed the Aarakocra for answers she put a charm spell(I think?) on our half-orc barbarian, making him think first that the Earth-Genasi was attacking us and then that the Leonin had tried to kill his uncle. Whereupon he (the barbarian) attacked the Leonin with his bare hands.

After several failed attempts to break the charm spell on our barbarian, the cleric, who had cast Zone of Truth, casted Banishment on the Aarakocra, breaking the spell on our barbarian.

(We play Play-by-Post on Discord, Tane = half-orc barbarian, Nishi = my woodelf druid)

(DM) Tane, you no longer hear the voice in your head.

Tane almost immediately staggers back, tripping over the handle of Retribution, and falling flat on his ass as he is shocked out of his rage. He looks around, bewildered and a little bruised. His knuckles ache the way they usually do after a fight, and he looks up at Oriz as everything comes back to him all at once. "Oh, Pelor. I am so sorry...there was a voice..."

"And that voice was definitely not the voice of reason." Nishi says, frowning at Tane.

Rogue to Paladin: "You're big on religion. Ever hear of this religion?"
Paladin: "No. I've never heard of it."
Rogue: "Maybe in one of your books or tomes?"
Paladin: "I didn't bring any of my tomes. It's all in my head."
Rogue: "Then what does your head say about this religion?"
Paladin: "I don't know. I've never heard of this religion."
Rogue: "🤦🏻‍♂️"

The Rogue was desperately trying to get the Paladin to ask for a Religion check in-character, and the Paladin either wasn't understanding the RP or was role-playing up the whole WIS -1 stat. The Paladin was still kinda new to D&D. So, we may never know.

Yeenoghu: Alright now get out! I dont want your friends are here, and I don't want anymore company.

Me (the 7 year old goliath girl, now having to be drunk to stay sane): CoMe ON SkYLAR~! It seems YEEEnoGHU is TOOO MUCH OF A PANSY To ang out with us. *I then proceed to grab the NPC by her collar, and  flip him off*

Yeenoghu: if I wasnt already entertained by you, I would've killed you for that.

I CALL BULLS**T!