But only if it's a slur

I can touch grass...

If it is on Mars.

I can fly...

...but only 2 inches off the ground.

I can lavabend and metalbend...

Quote from BlackBear_ >>

As long as you stand in it first

I can watch all movies in my head

 ...but only when it would most inconvenience you.

I can lift heavy objects with my mind...

Quote from BlackBear_ >>

As long as they are made of cheese and pickles

I can teleport anywhere

 ...within 5 feet of you.

I have perfect accuracy with any ranged weapon that I touch...

But only on a goldfish named Phil.

I can stop procrastinating and write my stupid freaking science essay...

But only at 1 AM

I can be anything from D&D in real life...

Quote from BlackBear_ >>

As long as u aim to miss

 Good thing I already have amazing aim!

For Rhino: ...but only if it's CR is 1/4 or lower.

I can become a Tarrasque at will...

But you can't turn yourself back. 

I am perfect at stealing...

Quote from RippedRhinoVikings >>

But you can't turn yourself back. 

I am perfect at stealing...

 ...but only if the thing you're stealing is a piece of cheese.

I can see future events that will happen within the next 5 hours...

But only if they're unimportant. 

I can read any language...

As long as it's one you read when you were 2 years old.

I can laugh no matter what is happening.

But it always sounds creepy.

I can think of a cool superpower to write here...

...but it always gets twisted as soon as you post.

I can use magic...

but only to fart really loud. 

I can run faster than light...

But only if you burp really loudly.

I can withstand dangerous elements such as insane heat, insane cold, radiation, and UV rays (because I hate sunburns). This ability has no cooldown or time limit. 

But only if you play a Monk next campaign.

I have the ability to be a living axe.

But only if you die. Your reborn in another world as an axe and... wait... now your going to be in an anime.

I have the ability to stop being a warlock of say... TheMadGibber or any other being.

But you have to become a warlock of my Lord, High Lord Grinkleflink Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo The Destroyer, Summoner of Darkness, Judge, Jury and Executioner of Lost Souls, Stealer of Many a Title, Wielder of Legendary Mirror - Sword Senatorjibbberjabberticketflicketsprocketwicketdingledavid, of The Rebellion Against Antidisestablishmentarianism, The Non - Owning of Rare Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, Fear of Long Words, Known Enemy of The Character Limit, Crusher of Bottlecaps Be That His Hobby, Grand Deity of The Longhorn, Pencilvanian, and Gunterifick Cults, Renowned Joiner of The Those People Who Are Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Cult, Squisher of Small Animals Sometimes Unbeknownst To Thou, Owner of The Longest Title, Attractor of Walruses, Masquerader of The Curly Fry, Spectator of Chairs Fighting In A Censored Scene, High Leader of the Freaks Committee, [Insert One Piece Reference Here] , Player of Amongus in His Spare Time, Stealer of That One Sausage That One Time, Drinker of Grimace Shake, Wearer of The 9223372036854775808 - Piece Suit, Owner of Superior Deoxyribonucleic Acid, Brilliant Skibidi Gyat Ohio Rizzler (As per Request) of Westhamotonshire, UK, The Third. (Pls join the gunterfick cult/

The Emissaries, Worshipers and Followers of High Lord Grinkleflink Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo The Destroyer, Summoner of Darkness, Judge, Jury and Executioner of Lost Souls, Stealer of Many a Title, Wielder of Legendary Mirror - Sword Senatorjibbberjabberticketflicketsprocketwicketdingledavid, of The Rebellion Against Antidisestablishmentarianism, The Non - Owning of Rare Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, Fear of Long Words, Known Enemy of The Character Limit, Crusher of Bottlecaps Be That His Hobby, Grand Deity of The Longhorn, Pencilvanian, and Gunterifick Cults, Renowned Joiner of The Those People Who Are Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious Cult, Squisher of Small Animals Sometimes Unbeknownst To Thou, Owner of The Longest Title, Attractor of Walruses, Masquerader of The Curly Fry, Spectator of Chairs Fighting In A Censored Scene, High Leader of the Freaks Committee, [Insert One Piece Reference Here] , Player of Amongus in His Spare Time, Stealer of That One Sausage That One Time, Drinker of Grimace Shake, Wearer of The 9223372036854775808 - Piece Suit, Owner of Superior Deoxyribonucleic Acid, Brilliant Skibidi Gyat Ohio Rizzler (As per Request) of Westhamotonshire, UK, The Third)