But you need to breathe both at the same time to survive.

I know every language. 

But you always know when someone's talking behind your back in any language.

I can turn invisible whenever someone asks me to do something.

But you can't turn it off without someone telling you to.

I can regrow any lost body parts and regenerate from any wound within ten seconds.

This includes any cancer cells you have in your body, Deadpool style.

I can shapeshift between an phoenix and a human

But can only do it on a full moon (like a werewolf)

I have the knowledge of the internet within my brain

but every new post to the internet (e.g. this one) pops up immediately into your head. As a result, you have a constant migraine

I am able to wishes AND have a choice in whether or not to grant a wish

But you are stuck in a tiny lamp. And you can’t wish yourself free.

My body is immune to all physical damage.

But emotional damage hits so hard. So very, very hard.

I can design the perfect outfit for anyone.

only using the color red

I always roll natural 20s

...on my d100

I can eat 10 times more than a normal human without getting fat.

However, all related health issues from the diet still affect me.

I can hover three inches above the ground.

But no more than three inches, and I am always hovering (you can’t climb stairs]

i can get anything I want for free.

I can only do it backwards and it only last 5 minutes unless I have activated boots of speed

walk speed is 10000000 for swimming flying and running.

Unfortunately, I've never managed to enter the building I want without breaking my nose...several times.

I can tickle people from a distance.

But it also tickles you.

I can open any lock; physical, digital, or any other format.

... but you cannot open anything you unlock

I can see the past of any object I touch - AT WILL (i.e. I can turn it off)

But you can only see as far back as you touching the object.

I can shoot laser beams from my fingers when I say "BANG!"

... the laser beams that come from laser pointers that do nothing

I can summon the Zodiac Spirits like Lucy Heartfillia of Fairy Tail

But they don't do anything you want them to.

I can command people with my voice and THEY MUST OBEY.