only if they have died for over 314159265 years.

I can destroy anything

Anything made of kangaroo legs. 

I can jump super high. Like 100 feet in the air, and land perfectly fine. 

and you must pay a fine of $141421356 USD per jump, or else your power gets taken away.

I can conjure a brick and throw it at anything.

Only one brick. And then no more. 

I can eat bricks like normal food. 

And those bricks aren’t very healthy, are they. Well, you can only eat bricks now.

i win all arguments.

About stupid topics. 

I'm the most intelligent being of all time. 

You are so unbelievably big brain, people cannot understand your words and you go insane as you learn the darkest secrets of the multiverse.

i can liquify people’s lungs.

Uh. The first time you do so, you are sent to jail. 

I can break people out of jail with my teleportation powers. 

You can teleport exclusively other people exclusively out of jail cells, while they are locked.

i can cure any disease.

With the cost of inflicting another disease. 

I can shapeshift. 

Into several species of pink baby nudibranchs.

i can swallow things of any size.

I can swallow things of any size.

It still hurts if it's too big. 

I can never bleed. 

Your blood is so clotted, it doesn’t flow.

i have 3 hearts and can survive with just one of them.

You become an octopus

I can transform into any animal

All animals run away from you

I don’t need to food to survive.

And if you do eat food you die!

I am a level 20 Wizard with all the spells from the PHB and infinite spell slots.

You are powerful, so people want you dead. You die of 1d4 sneak damage.

i could lift anything.

But if you set anything down, you die instantly. 

I can understand and speak and write in any language. 

Any language. Not all languages. Just any one language.

i can drink poison without being affected.