But any other drink kills you. 

I can grant wishes without anything going wrong. 

Exclusively to pink baby nudibranchs named Leonard,

i can never be sick.

As long as you eat your least favorite food hourly. 

I can summon delicious, non-lethal food whenever I want or need. 

You can’t eat it.

i can cast the scrying spell.

Only on yourself. 

I have a speed of 300 feet per 6 seconds, and I can control my movement perfectly. 

You no longer have a face because physics.

i can blood bend.

Uh. You end the existence of all blood and you die. 

I can walk on water. 

*DANG FLIPPING AUTOCORRECT*

water is now a solid to you. You can’t drink, and water can’t flow through your body.

i can drink liquids.

But you can't breathe. So yet again, you die

I can summon elephants and ride them around like in lotr

The elephants spawn inside you, like Minecraft. But this isn’t Minecraft.

i can talk to animals and we can both understand each other.

But anything they say to you is so loud it breaks your eardrums

I can summon lemons..

To the inside of your eye.

I can transform into a bat and back, and have full control over my actions in either form, and have the same human intelligence.

But the bat has no wings and cannot breathe.

I can make the moon crash into the earth at any time..

The moon is the size of a regular house fly, and to crash the moon you must ride in it.

i can become an Otter with no physical defects that i can turn back into and from at will while keeping my same human intelligence.

You can turn into an otter, sadly to turn back to human you need to speak a command word and otters can’t talk. Oh and there are otter poachers around here.

I can mine infinite dogecoin.

Granted, a useless block that replaces all others is added to Minecraft, Dogecoin.

i can become a Black dragon permanently.

You are now a lowly snake.

I can jump through tables.

Only tables, and you can now only jump as movement.

i become an Ancient Black dragon as in the 5e monster manual.

Quote from TheFriendlyArchfey >>

Only tables, and you can now only jump as movement.

i become an Ancient Black dragon as in the 5e monster manual.

 Your so ancient your a pile of dust and bones.

I can flyyyyyyyyy.