Quote from VitusW >>

I am an Air Genasi and need not breathe.

You are a beginning first-level adventurer journeying down the road when suddenly four goblins get a surprise round on you to unload their arrows. 

 I summon my friend Merlin to wish them away

Your choking on a pancake

But my barbarian friend slaps me in the back...

You are about to be blasted by a gargantuan crystal dragon, you have no friends, you are a human commoner, have no magic items...

P.S Crystal dragons come from Fizban.

But I Do have a +7 to persuasion so I tell it that if it doesn't blast me I will bring it 10000 GP worth of gemstones

You got stuck outside in a tornado, and after getting struck by lightning, the tornado picked you up and threw you at a house.

I'm a Dragonborn sorcerer with resistance to lightning and cast Gaseous Form before hitting the house. 

You're a Locathah Fighter in the middle of the desert all alone. 

Presumably, vultures are waiting for me to die, so I shoot some down for dinner and am able to escape. 

You dove headfirst out a 3rd story window, cutting yourself on the glass

Lucky for me, there is a giant healing spring right below the building that I fall into.

You have just been giving 200-something paper cuts and you have been thrown into a pool of lemon juice and poison .

I get hit by a fire ball, and don't get hurt because i'm a fire genasi, but it does evaporate the lemon juice and poison. I then cast cure wounds to get rid of the paper cuts

A meteor is coming strait for you, and for some reason you dont seem to be able  to move

An Allosaurus comes up in front me and bravely sacrifices itself to the meteor for my sake.

You are a lost Spelljammer Cadet that got stuck on the meteor heading towards the Allosaurus.

I jump off of the meteor and do an epic Action-movie roll whilst the meteor explodes behind me

You're that same lost spelljammer cadet, and are being attacked by an army of earth genasi that came out of the meteor   

Lucky for me, the Spelljammer search ship arrives, cutting the army to oblivion.

You are chained in a hostile ship in Wildspace, you are just a commoner and have no friends powerful enough to locate you and rescue you. You are in forbidden space, therefore no spell jammer ships can find you. You have a scissor in your pants, and nothing else. It fell there while you were being kidnapped. You have 2 guards watching you at all times. 

I may have no powerful friends, but Big Tony og the local mafia says I still have to pay off my gambling debt. So he sends his goons to get me and put me in a life of indentured servitude. (It is "Why you survive" not "Why you survive and live happily ever after." 😉)

You're fighting a blind gorgon inside a hall of mirrors.

I cast mirror image, and then cure wounds and greater restoration on the gorgon to fix its eyes. The gorgon is now super confused and I battle it and win, but only after taking some devastating blows. I can't walk for the rest of my life (sticking with the no happily ever after idea)

Your licking poisonous ice cream when your tongue gets frozen onto it.

I cut off the part of my tongue that’s stuck. Oh well…

You are currently being whacked by millions of baseball bats. You have no abilities like spells or feats or racial traits or features and traits

Some of the baseball bats start hitting each other, so they start a baseball bat war and forget about me.

Someone just broke into your house, but you have a dog sleeping on your lap so you cannot get up (unless you disturb the dog which would be a horrible thing to do)

I think to myself. "I don't own a dog. Whose dog is this? Why is it sleeping on my lap?" And the answer is clear: The dog is a celestial being sent for my protection.

Your crazy neighbor Jerry though it would be a good idea to heat up those breadsticks from Olive Garden. Only he kept them in the to-go bag not realizing there was aluminum foil in those bags (or maybe he did know it; Jerry doesn't seem to care about those things) which caused the bag to catch on fire, then the microwave caught on fire, then his house caught on fire, then the blazes from his house jumped to your house, and now your living room is on fire.

I kill Jerry and use his dead body  as an escape ladder. 

You are surrounded by alter egos of mods who want to kill you. They have cast spells that take away the ability to: move, breathe, speak, think, and have control over your body. They are now using their minds to ram you against a talking stone wall and then start eating your brain and vital organs along with with a heartless ogre.

The owner bans all the mods and then casts antimagic zone so I can run away from the wall, and then they heal my injuries.

You just stubbed your toe on a sword

I am doctor strange and I go back in time.

you are being hunted by the Hulk.

I give him shawarma to calm him down. 

You're in a horror movie just said, "Stay here, guys. I'm going see what that was."

I find the murderer, and after an epic anime battle, my friends arrive and throw bricks at him until he dies.

You just broke the BBEG's favorite magic item.